Gar lay in an uncomfortable bed in the tower infirmary. He was hooked up to an IV with an antidote to the Joker venom that Batman had long ago devised. Cyborg was in the lab synthesizing as much of it as possible as quickly as possible. He was weak and violently nauseous but he had already emptied his stomach. He didn't move at all. The door opened and Rae came in, pulling the chair close to his side and sitting. She took his hand and slumped. "Star is flying in from Steel city. Batman is on his way. I wonder which one will get here first." He shrugged, unable to muster up any words. Rae lifted his hand and kissed it, holding it against her face. "How are you?"
He shrugged and spoke in a raspy, pained voice, "Alive." His breath began to catch in his throat for a second and he went on, "God, Rae… how am I? How do you think I am? I can't get the smell out of my nose, I can't… I can't goddamn believe..."
"I know," she said. "It's…" and couldn't go on.
"But I'm alive," he ground out. "I'm going to be just fine." She leaned in to embrace him but he pushed her away. "I can't goddamn believe you saved me instead of one of those kids!"
Rae fell back into the chair, stunned. "What?"
"Rae," he ground out, "how do I… they were children! They just wanted to go to high school next year. They wanted to play pokemon and just… One of them won't because you let them die." She was beyond speech for a long moment while he glared at her, and when she didn't say anything he went on. "How do I live with that?"
In a second, she went from surprised to hurt to angry. "I love you," she said in the harshest tone either could imagine those words being said with. "I saved you because I love you and you mean more to me then anyone else in the world. I didn't think. There was no thought involved." She was clearly loosing control. All around the room, things begin to shudder and move and both ignored it. "I won't apologize for that." The window, reinforced bulletproof glass though it was, splintered in a spiderweb pattern.
"So I get to look at those pictures, those faces, and wonder which one would be alive if it weren't for me… and you," he said bitterly.
Tears began to flow freely down her face, her nose ran and the tower shook. "And I was supposed to let you die? How was I supposed to live with that? This is so selfish of you! Of course you're mad and sick but I was there too! Don't you blame me for..."
"I'm not," he interrupted, "It's just… there was this one girl. Corey. She had a stutter and was shy. I was paying extra attention to her." Raven closed her eyes and grimaced as his voice began to shudder. "She was so adorable and sweet." He shook his head and his lips began to tremble. "When it started getting bad, she just reached her arms out to me, like a baby that wants to be picked up. I could see that she knew that the big tough superhero would help. She knew in her heart that I would save her."
"Gar, I'm so sorry," she said. "There wasn't anything you could do."
He visibly mastered himself. "I could at least have picked her up, you know? Maybe that would have made it a little easier for her. Something. I didn't. I went looking for you. When I saw that you weren't laughing like the rest of us, that was all I cared about. Right now, I kind of hate myself for that."
"Right now, you hate yourself because you were happy I wasn't in danger," Raven said in a softer tone.
He met her eyes directly. "Yeah."
"You knew by then it was Joker venom, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"So you knew you knew how bad it was?" He didn't answer. "Hey, I want you to answer me. Did you know I could help you? Is that why you were looking for me?" He didn't answer but he did look thoughtful. "Did you?"
"No."
"Let me describe this for you. You were dying. You left a girl who you knew you couldn't do anything for beyond hold her as you died together to find me and you hate yourself because you were relieved that I was going to live?"
"Well..."
Raven was having none of it. "And that made you lash out at me for saving your life when I couldn't have done anything for anyone else?"
"Why couldn't you?"
"Because my powers run on emotions, you dolt! In that moment, with no preparation, no time to consider anything, do you think I could have focused on anyone but you?" Gar was wide eyed and just let her go at this point. "Now how about you cut yourself some slack because you're a good man and do not deserve this self-flagellation and in the process, cut me some! I'm really not in a place where I can take care of you! If you want to feel bad about something, feel bad about being a self-absorbed ass. I am so angry that if you weren't sick I'd throw you out the damn window like I used to! Now, scoot over!"
"What?" That truly confused him.
"Scoot over. You can't go back to our room and I have reached the point where I can't sleep without you! We're going to help fight the Joker soon so we need some rest." He moved quickly against the wall. She pulled the thin blanket over them both. "Idiot."
"I'm sorry" he said quietly.
"I know."
"Tell me," he said.
"What?"
Gar gently pulled her close and held her. "Tell me."
She took a deep breath and began in a rough whisper. "When it happened, God, the noise... horrible. You know. All those people, those children… I didn't know what was happening and I was trying to figure out what to do and I saw you. I will never forget how you looked falling, trying to get to me. Your face." She shuddered. "I watched one of those little girls die. She just stopped laughing and her eyes… I knew she was gone from her eyes. I don't know exactly how I knew. I just did. That was when it hit me what it was. Joker. That vicious subhuman animal had come to our town, was killing people in our town." She stopped and took a deep breath. "How does Batman live with it?"
"Look what it's done to him."
She sort of shrugged acknowledgment. "I want to kill that filth and that scares me."
"Good."
"What the hell's good about it?"
"That it scares you."
Robin and Cyborg sat in the lab, each at a terminal, and moved quickly through data and police reports. Neither looked up at the sounds coming from upstairs. Even when the entire tower trembled, Robin never reacted and Cy only glanced up briefly. A single loud impact with the muffled sound both knew was the expensive glass the tower widows was constructed splintering did make both look up. Cyborg glanced at Robin, who shrugged. "She needs to get it out." He stretched his tensed arms and shoulders. "When Bruce gets here, he and I will hit the streets. None of you can help us with that." Cyborg nodded agreement. "I need you to keep a lid on things here. Rae and Gar are going to be out of their heads. Get them to rest and eat. I need all four of you ready as soon when I make the call."
"Understood," Cy said simply.
"Watch Rae," Robin went on. "She's going to seem better with it then Gar but she won't be. If you see her closing up, push her. Make her respond. She won't like it but it will be what she needs." He sighed and rubbed his face, the rough stubble making a rasping sound against the leather of his gloves. "Jesus, man," he said. "The principal slapped Raven."
Cyborg grimaced. "Why?"
"She blamed her for saving Gar and not any of the children."
"Damn," Cy muttered.
"Raven feels guilty for that. So does Gar. I hope to god that's what they're dealing with." They silently regarded each other for a long moment before turning back to their work.
About an hour later, Starfire entered the room, windblown and disheveled from her long flight. The set of her brows was angry but her cheeks were streaked with tears. "How many?" she asked.
"A hundred and six," Robin replied calmly. "A hundred and one students and five teachers."
"What is the plan?" she asked.
"Batman is coming," Robin said. "When he gets here, he and I are starting the hunt. You all wait here and then come take care of business when we find the son of a bitch."
Star nodded slowly. "A good plan. When will the Batman arrive?"
"Three hours," Robin said, turning back to his work.
"Then for now," Star said in a voice that brooked no opposition, "you will sleep."
"No," Robin said without turning around, his eyes on his screen.
"Yes."
"You think I can sleep, Star?"
"I think that you will try," she said adamantly. "I think that you will take your medication and that you will try." Cyborg glanced over his shoulder, surprised but at the same time not that the driven leader had to take sleeping pills.
Star walked over to Robin and took his arm, turning the chair he sat in so that he faced her. "Star, please, I need to work."
"No," she said, "You need to rest so that you can work better when you need."
"She's right, man," Cyborg said. "I'll hold the fort down."
"Check the psych wards for releases or escapes or anything odd. That was what I was starting..."
"I got it, dude," Cy said.
"OK," Robin said. He stood and suffered Star to lead him out.
When they were gone, Cyborg put his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands and felt very much alone. After a few minutes, he squared his shoulders, reached for his coffee, and got back to work.
Star and Rob didn't speak. When they stepped into the elevator, she shifted her grip so that she was holding his hand rather then guiding his arm. Silently, they went to their room and he began shucking his costume while she stepped into the bathroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bed in his underwear when she came out with a pill and a glass of water. He took the pill and drank the water, then sort of fell sideways onto the bed. Star slid in next to him, covered him with the comforter. She wished, not for the first time, that he could cry.