Round# 5

Year: 6

School: Ilvermonry

Theme: Look at horror and fear in the wizarding world.

Special Rule: Incorporate the colour white and the meaning behind it in your story: Innocence

Main prompt: [First line] "Looking back, [s]he could not tell you how [s]he got here"

Optional prompts:[Word] Revenge, [Emotion] Anticipation

Word count: 1791

A/N: Lily has always been something of a conundrum for me. She was capable of cutting off entirely a friend she'd had from childhood for a single indiscretion (albeit, a HUGE one) while finding in her heart forgiveness and understanding for a person who was a bully and participated in the torment of others on numerous occasions. She seems...incongruous in a way that speaks to the huge holes in her back story. We really don't know her at all except through the eyes of others. Was she both kind and cruel? Certainly she was brave and strong, but was she also cold or unforgiving? Maybe all of those things are true; maybe none are. It is all in the eye of the beholder with Lily Evans. And therein lies the rub. She is hard to pin down. Generally I tend to stay away from this time period (pre-Hogwarts) just for this reason, but Lily, and her relationship to Snape, bother me. It must have been more complicated, right? It couldn't have been easy for her to have turned her back on the first person she shared her secret of magic with, could it? How much emotional tussling did she go through? Sometimes the allure of the unknown is much too tempting to pass up. That is usually a mistake. I guess I'll find out.

Innocence: noun, harmlessness, naivete. I think Lily had to be pretty naive to believe that James or his friends weren't "up to something" after all the things she'd heard and witnessed for herself. Yet she married one, entrusted the raising of her only child to another upon her demise, and confided in another her hideaway — which cost her her life. It shows some of the complexity I expect I would find in the character of Lily Evans Potter had Rowling chosen to flesh her out herself. Someone who wanted, perhaps too much, to believe what was best in people. I am taking some time to explore that innocence in terms of some of the unexplored dimensions of her relationship to Severus Snape. In my mind, it is a feeble attempt to explain the veracity and fervor of the ultimate dissolution of their relationship. However, it is also not in keeping with canon, and thus, must be considered AU.

Admittedly, I am not a consumer of the post-Hogwarts materials; I've read neither The Cursed Child nor have I seen any of the Fantastic Beasts movies. I'm going on with only the original books provided by Rowling before she started embellishing on certain facets of what we thought we knew. However, and to my limited knowledge, her new materials do not affect our knowledge of Lily Evans or Lily Potter; at least not yet. Who knows what the future holds.

Horror and fear lurk even within the pages of the very first HP book. Be it the fear of reprisal at the hands of the Dursley's or the ultimate fear of the Dark Lord's return. In between, though, are the complexities of what fear is, and what we derive horror from. We are scared of werewolves and their inherent violence until we come to understand them through knowing Lupin as a person. It does not change the fundamental violence of his nature once transformed, but we come to find compassion for someone who is different than we are; even if we are still afraid. Fear is, mostly, of what we don't know. Yet, horror is different. Horror can be deepened with knowledge. Seeing an act of unkindness or cruelty can inspire fear; knowing that someone can commit said acts without feeling or remorse is horrifying. I am playing a bit at the edges with that here: fear of the unknown (or unconfirmed) and horror at the known.

Blind

Looking back, she could not tell you how she got here. Trauma had a way of wiping out the details of one's memory. Or so she assumed anyway. Lily was lucky that way; trauma hadn't been a big part of her life. Until now. How did she distance herself from Severus and his pure blood cronies only to end up like this? It didn't make any sense.

She raised herself up gingerly. Every part of her body hurt, and in the light of the full moon that streamed down from between the clouds, her skin was ghostly white. Or black with bruises. She brushed herself off and took stock. The room looked utterly destroyed; nothing that remained was larger than a matchstick, although, oddly enough, the structure itself seemed unaffected.

It was then that she heard the moan.

Her eyes fluttered and her skin pricked with goosebumps, but she pressed her lips together and stayed silent, motionless. She tried, desperately, to remember anything that might help her determine if it be friend or foe who was groaning nearby. She held her breath and waited.

"Lily…" he gasped. She knew that voice anywhere.

"Severus?" No matter their disagreements, she had no doubts he would never harm her. She groped around until her eyes adjusted and she started to see the outline of his body. He had propped himself up against a wall, the shadows a stark contrast of inky blackness that made him practically invisible.

"Here," he whispered. "Here." His hands were cautiously exploring his scalp. Lily thought she could see a drip of blood oozing out of his hairline and down his cheek.

"You're hurt."

"We're all hurt." Severus nodded curtly in the direction of another crumpled body just to his left. This one was not moving. It was James.

She stifled a cry and slid over to the still form, her hands moving quickly over him as she checked for signs of life. It was only then that she realized she did not have her wand at hand.

"I knew they were fools, but this?" Severus was already making his way to his feet but was plainly unsteady. "How could this happen?"

Lily was tense, anxious and confused. "What exactly did happen?" She had James' head cradled in her lap while he lay unresponsive and was trying to sort out the chaos around her. Again, she reached for a wand that wasn't there. Where had it gone? She tried again to retrace her steps in her mind, but the world went dark no sooner had she emerged inside the old shack on the outskirts of the castle grounds.

She felt a hand on her own and started. Severus had managed tocrawl over while she was lost in thought. He raised his eyebrows, a silent, begrudging question. At least he is being helpful.

He assisted her in getting James laid out flat and took out his wand. "I only know a few diagnostic charms," he admitted, somewhat uncharacteristically.

"Surely if he is beyond that, it would be more than we alone could handle anyway," she replied, hoping it sounded encouraging.

Severus looked down and didn't bother to hide a sneer, but went about his business without further comment.

Lily rose carefully, using a nearby wall as security. Having taken a moment to collect herself, she was feeling quite a bit more sure footed than even just a moment ago. She found herself surprised at how bright it was in a building that was little more than a garden shed with windows now that her eyes had adjusted. Where the moonlight penetrated was awash in a cool, silvery sheen that painted the weather-worn wood white.

She scoured the floor with her eyes, looking for her wand. Intent as she was, the gasp from across the room startled her.

"James!"

His breathing steadied but his eyes remained closed. Severus sat back, leaning into a wall, his hair shadowing his face. "He'll live," he said, "but no thanks to his so-called friends."

"Do you really think this is the time?"

He drew even further into the gloom, drawing his knees tight to his body. "When is the time, then, Lily? Tell me."

She was bewildered. James was unconscious, and Severus wanted to talk about how he didn't get along with Sirius or Peter? "We need to ta—"

"You need to answer me, Lily Evans!" Severus had rushed out at her, grabbing her by the arms, shaking her like she was not much more than a doll. Had he always been so strong?

"Severus!" She squirmed to get out of his grip. She was certain he was leaving bruises. "Let go. Let. Go!" She stomped on his foot, only in that instant creating enough confusion to break his hold. She backed away quickly, and ended up stumbling to her knees.

Her hand grazed her missing wand, but she made no sudden moves. She didn't want to give the game away. She wanted him to think she was still relatively helpless. Lily wasn't sure what he was playing at, but she couldn't bring herself to think the worst. He's not like that.

Still, she thought about the slur he had only just recently used, and her blood boiled.

He kept his wand casually trained on her. It dangled in his fingers loosely; just one of those things that had marked him as a wizard by birth, not talent alone. He possessed an effortless grace with his instrument. It ate Lily alive with envy.

She still gripped her wand as if it, and her magic, might slip away at any moment. It still haunted her, the thought of going back home a failure. Just a Muggle.

He laughed, as if he could read her mind. "You always were naive." He stalked over to her with alarming efficiency, quiet and quick. "You have no idea, do you?" he whispered. A smile that would've made Lucius Malfoy proud crept over his face. "You are so trusting." He had the nerve to brush a finger against her cheek. "So innocent."

"And you are so experienced and knowledgeable." She gripped her wand tight, but held firm. Angry as she was, he had her. She needed to know what he was talking about. Curiosity. She ground her teeth silently. And I'm the cat.

"I only half believed them," he said, the smile creeping across his face as he leaned over James, his hair falling to cover his face. His eyes, anyway. Lily more than half suspected it was purposeful. That he did it to hide his true feelings from her. From everyone.

He went on, ignorant of how she was assessing him. "Sirius says so many asinine things it's hard to take him seriously. But this…" He raised his wand, blinding them both with the bright white light.

It was only then that Lily fully took in the devastation around them.

The room had been torn asunder. Furniture blown to bits and curtains shredded; the room looked as if it had exploded. The pieces of wood beneath her fingers and in her hair had all once been whole. She gaped. "What could've caused this?" She was almost surprised to hear her own voice in the silence.

The howl of a werewolf, closer than she would've wished it, wasn't so much of a surprise as it was a terrifying realization of the truth that had been so casually bandied about for months now. Her eyes widened and James groaned into consciousness.

"Take him," Severus commanded as he leapt to his feet, far more nimble than she felt. "Take him and go!"

"But—"

"There's no time for arguments, Evans." He grabbed James up by the scruff of his neck and practically laid him atop her. Her knees buckled, and she braced herself against the wall just to balance the heft of James' weight. "Revenge will be sweet," she heard him say to no one in particular. "I'll shove every threat Sirius' ever made right back down his throat."

"You're mad," she shouted at him, pushing James off her and propping him up against the wall. Her hands flexed and clenched. She wanted to grab him and smack him across his smug face. She wanted to shake him senseless. She wanted…what?

I want. There was a period at the end of that sentence. It was complete. No matter the struggle and confusion and hurt. She wanted him.

He was staring at her. Her mouth went dry. "You see it, Lily," he pleaded, taking a step closer. "You see what I'm up against." Closer. "There will never be any peace for me. Not while I'm alone trying to straddle two worlds." His hair brushed against her face the way his fingers had earlier. No, softer than that. Her eyes closed and she held her breath. "I have nothing. No family — no connections. I must have protection. I must join them," he breathed against her skin. "Or Potter there, and his ilk will have their way and I'll be dead." He turned away. "If it's not Lupin, it'll be something else. Some accident or other."

Even here and now, in this moment, all he could think about was revenge. She opened her eyes to the stark contrasts between them. Dark and light. Black and white. There was no middle ground for them. Simple and true. Hadn't it always been thus?

"I have to make a choice," he whispered. "I have to take a stand against this, or I'll never be safe."

"And me?" She needed to hear him say it again. She needed it to put this bed once and for all. "Who will protect me?"

"No one is attacking you, Lily." His face contorted with the struggle he felt. She was certain it was because he was lying — whether it was to her or to himself — she was far less convinced.

"Are you sure?" she asked, quietly. She let the question hang in the air between them, stark and painfully plain; blinding. She closed the distance, and now it was his turn to be frozen in the cold fire of the moon's beam.

"And you said I was naive," she whispered before kissing him. It was nothing like she'd imagined — nothing at all like a warm summer's day or a happy, laughing accident. It was the bitter resignation of the sweetness that could never be; of the dream that had to be buried in the face of too many obstacles, too much suffering. This was no fairy tale and there would be no happily ever after.

"Lily," he whispered.

"Take care of yourself, Sev," she said.

She had no idea if he knew how, but she knew now that it was no longer her problem.