6

FF

SuziH-J
Totally love that Ianto has a remote control for the SUV! Gwen has really outdone herself this time.

19h ago c5 1FranArian
Gwen soooo needs to get hers (burn her and string up the smoking remains)... Of course Gappy doesn't speak or understand Welsh, barely has enough functioning grey cells to butcher English... Useless cow.

Hehehehe... So, the Ajudicator may not be dead... Owen can make himself useful by patching him up, and after a lot of fuss, the whole mess will be solved by serving the Invaion Force some of Ianto's coffee... They'll either start worshipping him as a God, or it'll put them all in 48 comas resulting in the worst hangovers imaginable and they'll be too scared to ever come near Earth again. CACKLE!

AO3

DeeBeader

1-No, Doctor 12, if you shake Gwen, you'll only loosen what few brain cells she has; as Ianto said, she is stupid. Try something else. In the meantime, those people died prematurely, thanks to Gwen's absolutely stupidity. Fix this, please.
2-OOOOOOOOO Ianto called 12 "Tad" and Jack's brain has frozen. That's gonna be an interesting conversation!
3-TimeLord Ianto! YAY! (Where's his Tardis?) Love the remote control over the SUV and please, make Andy a member of Torchwood to replace Gwen, PLEASE!
4-That juvie in the back ain't dead; he's mutating either into an Elder of his race or a Bakuu and it would be fitting that Gwen has to go with him to be judged by his people since she did shoot him. And what kind of Welshwoman is she that she didn't recognize the creature was speaking WELSH to Andy?! Love the scissors meeting her credit cards and Rhy's comment about "bitch of the universe". Thinks too highly of herself...

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st_mick

-Ooh, please say River is Ianto's mam!
-Toshiko should have first dibs - at lease let her punch Gwen in the gob, please.
-Maybe Kev can apologize to Ianto and they actually have a conversation. Jack can't admit he's jealous (but he is). Ianto only indulges in a bit of flirting because Jack had threatened to shag Kev, earlier. But just as they start getting along, Kev is revealed as a sleeper - a Beepa sleepa. Sorry. Or perhaps a Bakuu sleeper, complete with a pull-his-face-off Scooby Doo reveal. Ianto kicks his ass, but is injured in the process - maybe because Gwen tries to interfere, thinking she can get credit for saving the day.
-Maybe the Beepa can have a depilatory ray. I won't mention any names, but wouldn't it be awful if someone lost all of their body hair?

….

Oh boy … let's see what I can use here

…..

"If you all have a moment, would someone care to open the back of the SUV before our friend in there tears it apart?" Doctor 11 asked calmly, pointing as the SUV started to rock.

"But I shot it!" Gwen said stupidly.

"Yes, but you didn't' kill it" he replied with the same annoyance "The only way to kill one is to fire the projectile up under their left arm, sort of in the armpit. Their hearts are protected up in their shoulder there."

"Don't be silly, a heart is in the chest!" she snorted.

Don't be a complete twat" Owen muttered as he slid around to stand next to the Doctor, eyeballing the rocking vehicle "I've done enough autopsies to know they have organs in all different places. Hell … sometimes Ianto's heart seems to beat in two places at once."

"Two hearts beating in just one time…"Jack muttered and frowned "Song lyrics?"

"Jack. Focus. Meltdown over my heritage later eh?" Ianto strode past, a large cannon on his shoulder and he swung to face the boot "OK Owen. Push the button then."

Own kicked the bumper where the button was for someone with full arms, the back swings up to reveal a very pissed of Bakuu. He fell out … struggling out of the body bag and rose to his full height, higher than the men watching him and then let out a blood curling scream. Ianto lowered the weapon and said softly "Bum."

"Oh god" Gwen said softly stepping back with fear, clutching at Jack who shrugged her off and walked confidently forward.

"Welcome to Torchwood, I am Captain Harkness and you are in violation of the Shadow Proclamation … we have full coverage on this planet." Jack said calmly "Please relinquish any weapons and follow me to a conference room where we can have a little chat"

It turned to look at him, then past him at Gwen and it's face changed into something even more grotesque, surging forward and flinging Jack aside like a rag doll, reaching out to grab at Gwen who shrieked and ran for it, Andy sighing as he poked at Rhys "Gonna save her there champ?"

Rhys looked at him and shrugged, "She said to never interfere in her work."

"Fair enough big guy" Andy nodded turning back to watch as she shot around the SUV making for Jack with wide eyes and her mouth open in a silent scream.

It happened so fast, barely time to register the weapon it had pulled from its armour and Ianto barked with alarm as it fired, the ray hitting Gwen and making her shriek as she fell to the ground, Jack running to throw himself over her heroically and Ianto calmly turned whiled dropping his own weapon and punched the creature as it passed him, forcing it to not only stop but stagger back with the force of the blow.

"Ouch" 12 said to 11 "He has such a temper. At least he didn't use the weapon. I think that's progress with his anger management."

"It's his mother in him. She's a smacker too" 12 agreed then they both stared at one another and made matching looks of doom, saying in unison "She's not gonna like this."

The creature was stunned, shaking it's head and Owen knelt and pushed Jack off Gwen, their clothes smouldering and he stared mutely at Gwen as she lay sobbing, her hands slapping at her disintegrating clothes.

"Am I hurt? I can't feel … Owen. Am I hurt?"

"Nooooo, looks like the ray is for another species than us, it didn't penetrate your dermal layer. Ahhhhhh….. it did disintegrate anything this side of your skin though. Ahhhh … like you are naked as a joy bird. "he grinned, drinking in her smooth skin as she gapsed and shot to her feet, Rhys running to cover her with his jacket.

Jack rose to his feet, naked as a jay bird too … well … a cocky one anyway … sorry can't resist … and he turned to face the creature "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"Jack" Gwen hissed with shock "Your hair… Jack!"

"I know Gwen he snarled without looking back "A disintegration ray. Clothing and hair gone. Thank fuck my VM has a protective layer … if I had lost that too I might cut a bitch"

As Jack held up his arm to show the VM the creature's eyes slid to it and those eyes widened as it took a visible step back from him with alarm. Good. Knows that a Time Agent is. Good.

"As I said, you and your lot is in violation of the treaty. What THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" he lost it slightly as the end.

Kev came out of nowhere, hurtling into the room with a roar of anger, his weapon of choice Gwen's taser that she clearly left on her desk instead of in the locked drawer as per protocol. He hit Jack square on, snarling as he stood over the convulsing body and Ianto cursed softly, reaching got and with a swift thump downing Kev in a heap.

"OK … tht is more than enough violence!" 12 roared "What would you mother say!"

"That I am late to the party again" a voice purred and they all turned to watch Doctor River Song appear from a shimmering circle of air, her VM on her wrist eerily similar to Jack's "Oh dear. It that Jack on the ground with no hair? Well now … he is better hung than I imagined. Look at that… darling? What's wrong poppet?"

Ianto's glare was supernova as he gave his mother a 'burn I hell' look and he shrugged off his jacket to lay it over the man before snarling "Stop looking at what is mine!

"Yours… no. No, hell no. You and the mighty Captain? What? Boys? Did you know this?" she turned to her husband(s) who simply gave her the 'Deer in the Headlights' look she knew so well, then she turned back to Ianto "Darling, he's a horn dog. You really … oh dear."

"Tell me you never…" Ianto grimaced.

"Lords no … he always flirted like a demon but… never followed through. Like … a game. Really? Him? I had such hopes of you finding a nice little companion …"

"He is not my companion!" Ianto said calmly to his mother "He is my…my…..well. I guess … my mate."

"OH for fucksake" 12 muttered under his breath as 11 groaned and slapped his palm to his face.

"Oh darling, we shall have to see about that" River crooned as she stroked Ianto's cheek "And the other naked thing over there with the big tits?"

"Gwen. This is her fault" Ianto pouted, infantiled by his mother as per usual before he could stop himself, then he pulled away and cleared his throat embarrassed by the moment.

"So, you shot a Bakuu, brought it here and released it to rampage, got caught by its disintegration ray and now stand the like some …some… oh. Well … sorry. I mustn't be nasty. Not your fault I guess. And this one here?" she tined to point at Kev who was standing stock still staring at her in open confusion.

"Stop looking at me Mam or I will nut ya" Ianto said with open malice and Kev blinked, looked at Ianto and nodded.

"Sorry about that. I ah… sorry. I think there has been a misunderstanding here. Um … I think we are on the wrong planet entirely" Kev said calmly, the Bakuu nodding with a grumble of agreement. Jack gasped to life, leaping up and his hands went to his head, relieved to find hair there. Yes, the taser was not at stun, it was set at Weevil. Killer setting for a human.

"Wong… who is your navigator!" 12 demanded "Seriously? Even a two year old can read basic theorised divergence of the specula disproportionalisim …. Look at your face. Seriously? You didn't check their credentials before letting them onto your crew? Well … that was youe first mistake"

"Right. Cup of tea?" Ianto asked and River nodded happily as she moved to hug her respective incarnations of husband. The large Bakuu leaned over Ianto and made a strange noise.

"No, no jammy dodgers. Owen ate them all, I do have ginger nuts with a chocolate coating. Ever tired that? I am rather fond of them" Ianto said conversationally as the huge beast dropped its weapon to follow him leaving jack there with the parents so to speak, even Owen leaving him behind as he whined to Ianto that he wanted one too.

"So. You!" 12 said to him with a frown "really?"

"I didn't know he was your son" Jack tried to defend himself "I just… I….well ….I …I love him."

There. Said it.

I don't' know who was more shocked, them or him. Or the one who caught it as he turned to call out to them to hurry up. Their eyes met and Ianto blushed as he turned and hurried off, not able to partake of such a conversation right now.

Gwen had gone to get some clothes from her locker, horrified at the naked part of her day and it was only as she turned to look in the mirror as she did up her blouse that she finally saw that Jack was not the only bald one. Her shriek had Myfanwy leaving her roost for a quick fly around.

BALD

She is still shrieking as she turned to find Toshiko standing beyond her with a strange look on her face and Gwen reached up to flap hr hands at her scalp, thinking Toshiko is there to help. She did not expect to see the predatory grin crossing Toshiko's face as the two stood alone in the changing rooms with no witnesses.

"Tosh?" Gwen whispered as he finally saw that she was in deeper shit than she had been a few moments ago. "Are you mad about the programme thing? I didn't mean to mess with it. Tosh? Pet?"

Toshio never spoke, never even made a sound as she hit Gwen so hard that her bald head bounced back against the mirror and Gwen slid to the floor.

Toshiko turned and walked out of the room, the need to tell Gwen that there would be no further warnings mote.

Bitch got served.