DarqueQueen7
Oh, My God! The automated voice is reading this to me and I can't stop laughing! Hilarious! Hmmm. What next?
The Doctors make a machine to send all of the invader fluffs back, 11 and 12 give Jack a stern talking to while River slips Jack a set of bonding rings. And in front of everyone, Jack professes his love to Ianto and they perform the Bonding Ceremony. Then everyone sits down to eat while the Doctors and River promise to be back to check on them and the baby often. And to help if Torchwood is in a spot of bother. Jack gets indignant, Owen asks Tosh out on a date, Martha calls about the Pharm only to say it's burned down to the ground while 11 and 12 look at each other and nod. Rhys and Alice keep giving each other looks of appreciation as Stephen asks Rhys anout football. And...oh! Kev asks Andy out on a date!
Have at it, Writer!
../
FranArian
We aim to please, sweetie.
Sooo...next round of mayhem...
Best way to control the Bakuu looking to orgy-up, is to have a convenient friend of Ianto's use a cropduster to drop epsom salt over the whole area (kills the libido and makes the buggers itch like mad so they'll flee to their ships and hopefully flee the planet, plus it has the surprising additional effect of putting the Beepa to sleep).
There's going to be a three ring circus in the Hub regarding Ianto's pregnancy, and he'll probably end up going hormonal on them, telling them all the fuck off and hiding in the bunker (with Jack promising to bring him a nice meal and rub his feet later).
And the parentals really need to step up and help clean up the failed Invasion (they can alter memories with their various toys, yeah? so no Retcon needed).
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KathyC
OMG. ROTFLMAO. LOLOLOLOLOL!
This is just too good.
Okay, once Owen gets over himself Ianto gets pulled down to the autopsy bay for a thorough exam. I mean, how many pregnant men will Owen get to examine?
So, the fluffs in the sewers are goners, where are the feral cats to take care of the ones in the park? And, I think I remember that something big lived in the lake. At least, I think I remember that. If so, then the Beepa can be a nice treat.
Not sure what to do about the Bakuu. They're a bit much for most to handle. Maybe while in their post orgasmic haze they can all be shrunk using some alien tech Ianto has in his archives. Then they can be scooped up, put back on their ship and blasted back out into space.
Either way, thanks for keeping us laughing through the madness that is our current realit
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KatWillow60
Do we know where the ship is? Is flight ready?
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Wicked_Wench
I love how you're able to fit in so many pieces of our random thoughts. Really enjoying this, thank you!
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st_mick
This is just too fun!
How about Kev getting a snootful of dandelion when he goes with the rest to try to round up the Bakuu? Cue the Barry White music as soon as he spots Andy, who somehow succumbs to his wiles (maybe Bakuu sleepers high on dandelions emit Jack-like pheromones?). Their... alliance represents a pact of peace, but the Beepa are too high to be reined in, just yet. Plus, they're really pissed at the Weevils for eating so many of their brethren.
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DeeBeader
1-Welcome to the Rabbit Hole, Alice, otherwise known as the Hub! The Chief HighPriest of all this Weirdness: your father, Jack and his partner-sidekick, Ianto Jones! And yes, you heard right: Ianto is PREGGERS! Be ready to babysit, heh heh heh...
2-Well, pregnancy reality has evidenced itself by the upset delicate tummy of TimeLord Ianto Jones! This is gonna be a fun-filled 9 months, active baby, raging mother-in-law and two crazy Doctors plus Owen. Jack should suffer the incidental pangs of pregnancy hell over this; demanding diva, pregzilla and seriously weird eating habits.
3-what does 11 know about Bakuu and dandelions?
4-Gods help us if the Beepas who ate Gwen start to look like her!
I am serious stunned and laughing at your ability to form something coherent from all these demented suggestions!
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KatWillow60
Maybe garlic is an antidote? Where is that lasagna?
You are sweet song is this too quiet world Tha 🙏
…..
Right… let's see what I can do with this today hmmmmm
….
"Ah… clean up aisle three…four… and eight" Owen said in a silly voice as he watched the madness on the screen, Ianto sick to death of the entire day… latterly as he threw up again and moaned softly at the back spasm that accompanied it.
Jack was torn between saving the world and comforting Ianto, turning to River more than once with a helpless look before turning back to the screens, knowing Ianto would not like fussing right now. But damn he wanted to.
The sea of fluff in the bay was undulating and Toshiko swore softly as she started to rise from her chair then she said with alarm "It's come!"
"Huh?" Jack turned to ask her what the hell she meant by that when a massive tentacle rose out of the water and slammed down on the fluffy scourge and distant screaming started as the stupid little drowning things now became a snack. "Oh shit. The Kraken."
Yeah. The Kraken. Jack had forgotten about him. Someone Ianto occasionally fed a dead body to, cursed about as he fixed another bite out of the Flat Holm boat…yeah. Karl the Kraken. Ianto's pet was in a feeding frenzy as the bay bubbled and boiled, Ianto groaning a he looked up to see what was happening "Oh no. He will be unstoppable for days!"
"Well… they did wake him up" Owen shrugged not really caring as he NEVER went out on the bay these days, not since he watched Karl eat an entire space whale that time. Ewwwwwwww.
"Oh-oh" 11 said softly to 12 as he looked at another screen "look over here …ah… me. Look."
"Ooooooo, that's not something you see every day" 12 agreed as he slid his hands into his pockets and the two stood together in companionable silence as the rampaging in the screen finally got Ianto's attention and his mouth fell open as Gwen stomped from an alleyway…well….. now… Gwens. What? "Ideas?"
"Well … she clearly has Rift residue on her from working here right next to that bloody machine of Jack's … I go … they ate her and are now assimilating" 12 offered like they were discussing a sports show or something "I mean .. they do not have bipedal walking down yet, she looks drunk. Well … all of her."
So far eight miniature Gwens the size of a dog had staggered from the alleyway and 11 hummed as one suddenly stopped and started to talk to the others "Oh dear. She seems to be rallying the troops."
"Tad?" Ianto said calmly his eyebrows so close they were practically touching "Care to go clean that up for me?"
"Ooooooo, do we have to?" 12 turned to look at hi son and saw the look he knew well. He wife wore if before pain started. Oh. Ok. "Now?"
Now Taddy. Please" Ianto nodded and the two Doctors looked at another and to everyone's surprise they did an impromptu game of Paper-Rock-Scissors to see who had to go.
Ianto was not in the mood as they decided on the best out of three and said "The other one has to go sort Karl before he eats the boats at the moorings as well. He gets quirt shirty when in a frenzy"
"I bags the mini-Gwens" 11 swing to run as 12 looked at Ianto then heard his younger self get the better gig and he roared after him that he was a little punk!
"Right that gets rid of them for a little while." Ianto turned ot face his mother who was holding to some crackers and a glass of water, her smile fading slightly as his look now shone on her like a death ray. She placed them down and took a step back.
"Mother"
"Sweetie?"
"Owen is super worried about those below in the sewer system. Could you please flush the system out with some of that sonic sound?" Ianto asked with an icy calm "The Weevils are deaf on the third frequency so please try that. He would rather keep his pets."
"She can do that?" Owen asked with interest.
Ianto ignored the question and turned to Jack "Cariad. The Bakuu having a naked orgy in the field of dandelions? Maybe we need to break that up before one explodes or something?"
"I don't know if they actually explode Tiger" Jack pulled a face "It's more of…oh. Right. You mean…. Right. Spunk everywhere. Right. Sorry… had an image of one going off like a land mine BOOOM!"
Jack did the hand motions for an explosion along with the noise and Owen started to snigger as Ianto leaned back slightly on his heels and deepened the glare, Jack's smile fading slightly as he saw the lack of humour in his mate, so he cleared his throat and clapped his hands together "right. OK love, right. Owen, with me! Toshiko, ah … check for any lingering fluffs will you?"
Jack strode out of the Hub with Owen running after him, the space travellers heading in other directions leaving Ianto and Toshiko in the Hub. He slowly turned to look at her and she shrugged at him as they both knew the Beepa were now all in the bay, those still falling in the last of them. It had been the weirdest cull in history.
"Toshiko, I am heading after those idiots … can you please get me Old Man Smothers on the Coms?" Ianto asked sweetly and she node as he calmly walked out after the two idiots who were now at the SUV clambering in as they talked excitedly about options then their voices petered off as they looked around the SUV , then at one another.
The passenger door opened and Ianto looked at Owen "Move to the back."
"I called shotgun"
"I call hand gun."
"Ooooo, good one" owned sniggered sliding to the back seat as Ianto tapped his sidearm menacingly then Ianto clambered in and turned to Jack "Want the keys now sir?"
Jack grinned at Ianto sheepishly and nodded accepting them from Ianto's hand. They drove out into the sunlight and Ianto sighed as they caught air, Owen hooting encouragement as a car veered around them and hit a fire hydrant, Owen looking back to crow.
"That's gonna hurt" Andy said and Ianto swing to find Andy and Kev in the back seat, both sitting there with matching looks of excitement. Then Ianto saw the Bakuu Warrior sitting in the boot of the vehicle, wresting with looked like a pool noodle. Pink. Ianto didn't even know they had a pink pool noodle. Why?
"Ah… what is he doing with that?"
"You do NOT want to know" Andy pulled a face "But he's been doing it for a while and I do not know how they have that much stamina. REALLY fond of pink I think."
"Ew" Owen said with a screwed up face "That was mine. I used it to poke the dead bodies when they fart."
"What?" Jack blinked, and then looked at Ianto who nodded to agree that bodies do fart, and then Jack shrugged and swung the wheel. Owen asked Andy about where to take Toshiko for a date like it was just a Sunday drive and Andy was not sure if he was being funny or not, Kev leaning around them to check Owen was not touching his fella … more than once.
They arived at the village green full of writhing, excited Bakuu and the back of the SU swung open and their …well he is sort of their one … got out and made a yelling noise holding up the pool noodle and the others stopped that were closest, yelled back and he ran into the orgy swinging it.
"Ewwwwww, did something fly out?" Owen asked.
"Don't look" Ianto advised, "Nightmare stuff, that."
"yeah" Owen shivered and looked away as Ken slid out and reached back in, puling Andy out like he was child despite his protests.
"There we go little one" Kev crooned, now patting Andy's hair and crooning at him before turning to look at the madness "Why are they .. what are those?"
Andy followed Kev as he approached a lump of dandelions and plucked one, sniffing the yellow flower with interest then nibbling delicately at the leaves. Jack swung in time to see and called out a warning but he was too late, Andy yelping as he was seized and thrown back into the SUV, Kev clambering in after him with the doors slamming shut.
"Shit. Will he be OK?" Owen asked then swore again, stepping away from the vehicle as it started to bounce and shake… distant howls from within that they were not sure were Andy's or Kev's.
"Wow. I think it's a mating call" Jack said with wide eyes "Kev REALLY wants a baby with Andy."
Ianto glanced over at the vehicle and muttered "I think we have enough of those in the mix right now. Come on."
"What?" Jack jogged alongside the long loping Welsh…oh. Actually … I guess he's a Timelord? Well … still talks Welsh right? Jack pondered this and decided Ianto was still Welsh, probably born here as he liked it and they do love their place of birth, hence the Doctor's melancholy at the downfall of Gallifrey.
"Jack?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Focus" Ianto said then stooped walking, standing at the edge of the orgy, his finger to his ear "Smithers! Hello you salty bastard. Listen, you know how I had you dump that vinegar on that field that time and then I gave you ALLL that money to shut up? Care for some more? Yeah? No, not vinegar this time. I know… you plane must have smelt like fish and chips for ages. No … Epsom Salts. Hmmmm. The salt flats? Yeah. Can you go do a scoop and run? Yeah? Which one is he? Ah… Susan's boy? Wow, did not know he was that old … still see him as a young pup. Wow. Eighteen. What a world … yes use him."
"Yan?"
"Right. Smithers is going to get his grandson to help full the plane with Epsom Salts, then will do a flyover and crop dust the lot of them. We will see some incredible reverse of libidos and hopefully a sudden desire to leave this place instead of shag like disgusting porn stars in a five dollar production." Ianto said to Jack who clapped his hands tougher. He liked Smithers.
"Did I hear right? Dwane is eighteen now?"
"Yeah, time flies right?" Ianto nodded and they looked at one another with a moment of affection, both remembering the child they had saved from a Hillosig invasion so long ago. Well … maybe three years ago?
They had time to stand and talk about that day, almost twenty minutes with the noise of groaning and mating roars, the SUV's suspension starting to make sounds that meant it might need re-greasing later and then the radio in the SUV started to play Barry White, the three men turning slowly to stare at it with interest.
Then the sound of the distant plane growing closer and the plane flew low, releasing it's cargo and the orgy did indeed stop. Shrieking now as they parted ways… those that seemed…er… knotted unable to do so …. so they ran clutching one another as their ships' doors roped to let them in.
"there he goes" Owen said with fake sniffing and sorrow "Our little man, into the big wide universe with his pool noodle."
They watched a Bakuu waving the noodle as he disappeared into the ship and Owen started to snort, then laugh softly "What a fucked up day."
They drove back to the hub in silence, passing the 'Gwens' or the remains of them as the swarm of Alley Cats that had descended tore at them like massive rats. Ianto found himself wanting to look again and forcing himself not to. A day for double takes. Ewwwww. Why did they all have such big tits?
They got back to the Hub to find the Doctors arguing between themselves, Rive included and Ianto glanced at Jack "I don't like that. It's always bad when they argue."
"Why?"
"Because eventually they will agree Cariad" Ianto grumbled, nodding to Toshiko for a report.
"The bay is clear, Karl is full. Below was cleared and the Weevils are sulking. Owen will need to ro;l some pumpkins down there later or something. I think they are going vegan for a few days after all that rich meat. Ah … the Younger Doctor called all the cats in the neighbourhood into the alley, you saw that right? Well … oh … we are getting hailed by the Bakuu High Council" she said and Jack pointed to the wall screen.
"Greetings Sol3"
"Hello there…ah…. Foriggita?" 12 said calmly as he leaned around Jack to look at the huge Bakuu statesman in full warrior dress "Well, did you make it to the board in the end? Good for you."
"Doctor?"
"Yes. This is my planet. Well … my favourite one. You know, I hang out here a lot. I thought we agreed that this was mine?" 12 said and then River tapped out on the other side of Jack who took his cue and stepped back a few steps to get out of the picture, leaning them to browbeat the official from the other species that had thought he was calling to scold only to find he was about to get handed his arse on a plate.
11 was waiting and seized Jack "Come here!"
Jack squealed and found himself in the kitchen with 11 "Now. Jack. Jakitty Jackie Jack. You are a bad boy but… my boy loves you and he is having your spawn. Is that right? No. Baby. Yes. Right listen. What is that?"
"An egg whisk."
"Whisk. Interesting word. WHHHHHHisk." The Doctor pondered then shook himself, "right. Hang on, where was I?"
"Whisk?"
"No, before that. Right. The boy. Yes. Listen you horn dogged little shit. Right. Sorry, too strong? Right. Ah… here. Take these and get it right. Yeah? Good talk. Good. Yes. Whisk. RIVER, LOOK A WHISK. BABE?"
The Doctor bounced out of the kitchen as Jack stood gapping after him, the he opened his hand to see what he had been given and he found to pristine bonding rings gleaming back at him.
"Oh wow. A shotgun wedding?" he whispered to himself with surprise and mild glee "Or.. a sonic one?"
"Right, thanks" 12 said as the screen went dark and the treaty was finalised with apologises from a startled and slightly afraid Bakuu Council. "Toshiko love, any chance of getting us on all the TV screen for a mo?"
Toshiko let her fingers do the talking as she took over all communications for screens including all phones etc. Ianto was watching and felt Owen's tug on his sleeve as Owen leaned in and whispered "Can I scan you?"
Ianto nodded allowing this as he knew it would please Owen who had to drag a semi-conscious Andy and Kev out of the SUV later …. and he really wanted to see for himself, the birth date something he need to know I guess. They wandered down to the autopsy bay where they found Rhys and Alice with Stephen, all silently reading files. Oops. Owen looked at Ianto with an apologetic shrug and said softly "I know. I forgot to put them away. Shoot me!"
"One day Owen.. I just might!"
Toshiko nodded to 12 who looked into the camera, every TV and screen suddenly his stern glare.
"Hello there. I want to talk to you all about the events of toady. Look at this shiny thing. It's called a Sonic Screwdriver. Cute, eh? I made it myself, now if you touch this button here you can see a big red light …" Toshiko looked away quickly as it pulsed on the screen, knowing full well where the idea for Men In Back came from after all and finally the Doctor said "Too-de-loo."
She cut the feed and glanced over at him only to see him dancing with River around the Hub like he had not just mid-wiped an entire city.
Crazy day!