9

Chapter Three

SUMMARY: Rhian is recovering from the birth, but she's learning that emotional injuries aren't so easily taken care of.

***WARNING: Mentions of past domestic violence, and rape.***

The Woodland Realm; 4th of January, 2942, T.A.

Rhian rolled over in her bed, as she studied her surroundings. She liked the clean, white, stone walls, with vines carved along the ceiling. She traced the vines with her eyes, fascinated at how they intersect and meander around the room, making a beautiful border. She looked to her right, and saw the small dresser with drawers, and various items on the top, and then to her left. There in a small cot, lay little Darryn, sleeping peacefully.

Her son. Hers, and no one else's. And, thanks to King Bard and the Elvenking, no one can hurt her or try to take him away from her.

She should feel happy. She should be jumping with joy. There were moments when she did feel gladness, such as the first time she met Darryn. The Elf King himself placed him in her arms, and promised protection. She felt good the next day, when King Thranduil helped Daeron into her room, declared her boy's name, and that he was a citizen of his Kingdom as well as Dale.

Rhian shook her head. She could hardly believe it. She had two Kings who wanted to look after her, and a good friend in Daeron, who had come to see her and the baby a couple of times, since he was feeling better. She still didn't really know what had been wrong with him; only that he was tired but would be all right.

So much was different; it was hard to take it all in.

She was safe - the horror that was her husband was gone forever, and so was her selfish, indifferent father. And she had a healthy son; a miracle in her life, despite all the violence and danger. He truly was beautiful. She felt relieved that he bore no resemblance to Garth; no fiery red hair or pale skin. He seemed to take after Rhian, and her own Mam, with dark hair and olive skin. But, no matter who or what he looked like, she loved her baby.

At this moment, things couldn't be better for her. When she first held the baby four days ago, she was amazed, and fascinated; it was magic.

But, besides a pull toward her baby, she still felt empty and frightened.

What's wrong with me? She thought. It was all a jumble, a whirlpool of things she did feel, what she wanted to feel, and what she should feel. It all would get to be too much, and sometimes she would shut down entirely, and go numb.

She was tired… She was just so tired, and she didn't know what to do about it.

"Rhian? Are you awake, dear?" Hannah, the midwife, who helped deliver her baby, had walked in the room.

The girl sat up and nodded. "Aye."

"How do you feel, love?" The midwife walked to the side of her bed, to feel her forehead and check her heart, then she palpated her abdomen, causing Rhian to wince, slightly. "Aye, I know this doesn't tickle, but it feels like things are right where they should be. Does your bottom still feel sore?"

Rhian nodded her head. "Some."

"Only time will take care of that, sorry to say, but again, you're healing beautifully, thanks to Daeron and that Elf King. You had a bad time, love, and it'll take a while for you to regain your strength."

Rhian blinked. "King Thranduil? I don't understand."

Hannah pulled up a chair and went to sit down, but little Darryn woke up, and needed tending to. The woman took the babe from his cot, changed him, and handed him to Rhian to help set her up to nurse. "There you go; that's it. I know this can take some getting used to, but you'll get the hang of it, right enough. I'll be here to help."

As the baby was eating, Rhian asked again, "I don't remember Darryn being born at all, but King Bard told me something about my wounds being healed?"

"Well, I wasn't there, love. I was taking this young man to be fed by a wet-nurse, until you woke up. I guess no one but the Kings and Elénaril were allowed in the room, so I can't say what exactly happened. I can tell you what I know, for sure," Hannah grinned. "While you were trying to give birth, those two Kings paced the floor out there, waiting like two nervous Das, imagine that, if you can!"

The nursing mother looked at the midwife with amazement. "They were?"

"They were. And while they were waiting, King Bard was getting to the bottom of what happened the night Laketown was on fire. We're all glad about that, aren't we?" Hannah put her hand over Rhian's and squeezed a little. "Now, don't you doubt for a minute he was absolutely right. You did good, Rhian, looking out for this little man here. It's what a mother does; puts her baby before everything, right?"

Rhian looked down for a moment at her son, and nodded her head. "I didn't think of it that way then, but Lord Bard was right. I had to choose between my baby, or Garth."

The midwife looked at her intently. "Do you think you made the right choice?"

The girl met Hannah's eyes, and said. "Aye. I did. And I'd do it again."

"Good girl. It feels good to say that out loud, doesn't it? Anyway, you were so weak, that Daeron put you to sleep, and somehow helped this little man come into the world. Little Darryn gave us a spot of trouble at the last minute, but we made short work of that. It was scary, let me tell you, but he's just fine, and that's the best anyone can hope for, isn't it?" Hannah looked down at the nursing infant. "All these wee ones are precious, aren't they?"

Rhian nodded, and cupped her hand around the baby's head. Then she asked, "Daeron put me to sleep? I don't understand; I thought I had passed out."

"He said a spell in Elvish, then crawled right up there behind you and helped you and the baby. I don't know how else to describe it. He told us the baby was a boy, and he needed help and right quick." Hannah struggled for words. "I'll never forget it, love. He used his Elf whatchamacallit to help you push the baby out, but it took a lot out of him. That boy wouldn't quit until you were both safe. After we had the baby cleaned up, Sigrid took him out to show her Da, then King Thranduil rushed in to help the poor lad, and carried him to another room."

"I did that to him?" Rhian was stricken with guilt. "I never wanted him to… I mean... he had to be carried?" She felt terrible.

Hannah grabbed her hand. "Daeron did what he did, because you both were going to die, do you understand? He saved your lives, and I know he wouldn't hesitate for a second to do it again, so don't you feel bad."

Rhian wasn't convinced. "Did I hurt him? He looked so tired, when he came to visit."

"No, love. He was just worn out, but he'll be absolutely fine. In fact, he's about to go back to work, guarding the Prince and Princesses, what does that tell you?"

"I just hate the idea of him doing so much… for me."

Hannah wisely didn't reprimand her, but tilted her head, smiling. "Rhian, let me ask you this: The night of the fires, you made a hard decision to save your baby, didn't you?"

The girl nodded.

"And what if you were in Daeron's shoes, and had a way to save not just one life, but two? Can you think of what you would do?"

After a few moments, Rhian nodded. "I would do everything I could do save them. No matter what."

"And that's what Daeron did, love. It's what he does for a living! He's a soldier, and every day he is ready to put himself in danger, if it means he can save a life. He would do that for anyone regardless, love. It's his calling. But he is also your friend, and that's a good thing."

Rhian nodded, again. "I don't know why, but he is. He's never asked anything from me, or seems to want anything of me, except to talk to me, and be my friend."

"How do you feel about that?" Hannah asked her.

The girl thought about it. "I didn't like him at all, at first. He wasn't mean or anything; I just didn't want anybody near me, and wished he would go away. He would come and visit my tent after the Battle, and talk with the other women I stayed with. He didn't make me talk to him, or ask me anything. I felt uncomfortable, until… I wasn't anymore. He would only talk to me, if I said anything first. That helped.

The midwife said, "He brought you to the Healing tents."

Rhian nodded. "Only the once, remember? I got… upset."

"Yes, love, you did. But afterward, Daeron came to me and asked if I could go to you to check you over, because there were too many people there, and it frightened you. That's why I came to your tent after that."

"It was his idea?"

"You bet. He wanted you and this little one to be healthy, even back then. And did he ask for anything in return for all of this?"

Rhian shook her head. "He's never asked for anything."

"So…? Do you understand now? You've no need to feel guilty. He wanted to help you and your baby live, and a good thing, too! Thanks to him, I can sit here and talk with you, and help you with this beautiful little boy."

They both looked down at Darryn, who had paused in his nursing. Hannah took him, and started burping him.

"I didn't wake up until the next day. I must have been really tired."

"Oh, it was more than that! Elénaril put you in a healing sleep to rest, but you weren't out of the woods, yet. In fact, you were in bigger trouble than any of us imagined! I'm glad I didn't know how bad off you were, until after they made you better!"

Rhian's eyes widened. "I was?"

Hannah continued. "I stayed with you and the baby all that night, because you weren't doing so good, love. You developed a high fever, and we didn't know what to do, so when the Kings came to see you, the next morning, Elénaril asked Lord Thranduil to help. Turns out you still had some afterbirth inside you, and somehow, he got rid of it. If the Elf King hadn't done what he did, you would've died. I was afraid for you, love."

"I still don't understand…" Rhian said, as Hannah helped Darryn switch sides.

"Apparently, that Elvenking is powerful one, and he not only took care of what was causing your fever, but he found your shoulder all torn up, and he fixed it. Does your arm feel better?"

"Aye," she smiled. "My side feels a lot better, too."

"Well, you know your ribs were broken, and they healed on their own, but what you don't know is that you had what's called a 'displaced' rib fracture."

"I don't know what that means."

"I'm glad you didn't know, and I'm glad for myself, too. When I found out, it frightened the life out of me! What happened, love, is that one of your ribs didn't heal right. They told me a sharp end of bone was sitting close to your lung. It's a miracle you didn't puncture it, when you gave birth!"

The young girl's eyes opened wide. "It hurt to breathe…"

"Aye, you couldn't, love, and now we know why, and I thank the Valar every minute of the day you're all right." Hannah blinked a few times, as her eyes filled with tears. "No one knew it, because we were so busy worrying about the baby, and I feel terrible about it. But that Elf King re-broke the rib, and put it back together better, along with fixing your shoulder."

The young girl stared at the midwife with eyes as wide as saucers, taking it all in. "I can't believe it."

"Believe it, love." Hannah smiled, and shook her head, "You know, when King Thranduil first came into Dale on that strange-looking beast of his, I didn't like the look of him. I was glad for the help, and the food and such, but I thought he was a snobbish arse, to be honest, but don't tell him that." She laughed. "He's as mean as a Warg to his enemies, and he's every inch a King, don't forget that. He expects folks to do as he says, but he cares a lot about his people."

Hannah laughed. "You should see him with King Bard's kids. He acts like the sun rises and sets by them; especially little Tilda." Hannah shrugged. "And he seems to love our King, too. Just goes to show, you never know about people, do you?"

Rhian nodded and looked thoughtfully down at Darryn. "I know. Sometimes… the people who can seem nice at first, turn out to be monsters," she whispered.

The older woman regarded her seriously, and sighed. "Aye, love. That's true enough. And I'm sorrier than you can know, for what Garth put you through. I want to help you with that, if I can."

They sat and watched the little one, as he nursed.

After a few moments, Rhian said, "Garth's dead. I don't have to worry about him, now, or my Da."

Darryn seemed to be finished, so Hannah took him, burped him, and settled him back into his cot, so they could continue their talk.

Hannah sat back down in her chair. "Rhian, the ones who hurt you are gone, and your body is much better, but that doesn't mean that your hurts are gone," she answered with a gentle smile. "It's going to take a long time, and some work to get past it."

"But I feel better, and I can breathe right now."

The midwife, gently placed her hand on top of the young girl's. "Hurts that I'm talking of, love, are in the inside," she said gently. "That man marked you on the outside, but he did a lot more hurt to your heart and your spirit. Those are the things you need to face, love."

Rhian thought about this, not wanting it to be true, yet Hannah's words had struck a nerve.

Her stomach churned, and her eyes filled with tears. She'd suffered so much, and to be told she'd have to struggle even more, before she could feel better was disheartening. After all that agony, she desperately wanted the death of her husband and her father to just be the end of her suffering, so the sun could come out, again. But it was as she feared. She really was broken. It felt like she was stuck in long, dark tunnel, and the light ahead had suddenly moved far, far away; out of reach, maybe forever.

Hannah, as if reading her thoughts, asked her, "Rhian, can you talk to me?"

Rhian sighed again, and didn't say anything for several minutes. Then, began to speak, in a small, weary voice.

"They tell me I'm safe, and that everything is all right, and I want to believe them...and I do, sometimes, but other times… King Bard came, and told me I didn't do wrong, and he wouldn't take my baby away, and no one would ever hurt me again. King Thranduil told me that, too, and so did Daeron." A tear escaped, as she looked down, and picked at the blanket covering her lap. "I know in my head… In my head, it's true, but inside… and I try so hard… Inside it doesn't feel true and I still get so scared and sad, and I'm so tired…" She fell silent again, as she tried to explain the whirl of thoughts and feelings.

"I don't know anything, Hannah…" The tears began to flow, and her breathing became shallow and rapid. "Inside... I don't know anything!"

"What do you mean, love? Can you tell me?" the woman prodded, gently.

Rhian swallowed, then the words came tumbling out. "People go through things... Things, terrible things happen to people, and… they have… in here," she put her hand on her heart, "'things' that help them be strong. Things they just... 'know,' that help them get through bad times."

She struggled for words, for a moment, then said, "People lost family in the fires, or in the Battle, or because of sickness, and they're sad, but they have…" she closed her eyes silently pounded her chest. "…I see them look to things they know for sure, in their hearts, and it helps them go on…"

Rhian was talking in gasps, now. She cried in earnest, with her eyes scrunched tight, with tears flowing down her face, and off of her chin. "I d-don't know how to say it… They think on things they c-can be sure of, they have things they trust… things I want to find inside of me... I try to see… I look… There's nothing... I don't have anything inside to help me! There's nothing in h-here," She really pounded her chest, "…nothing I can trust, nothing I know, and I c-can't really b-believe in good things, because I did, and it all went so wrong, and I'm afraid, and it hurts! It h-hurts so bad, and I'm scared and I'm s-so t-tired!" Her body was wracked with sobs.

"Oh, my dear, sweet girl." Hannah quickly got up, sat on the bed and gathered Rhian into her arms. "Oh, you poor thing…" There were tears on the midwife's face, too, at the sheer despondency of this young girl, who never should have had her heart and her body abused this way.

The young girl was racked with sobs. "I k-know I shouldn't… I w-want so bad to feel better…"

"Shh… Shh… You just get it out, lovey. If you need to cry, then that's what you'll do." She continued to hold and soothe the young girl, stroking her hair and holding her tight, as she rocked her back and forth, like the child she was, until she cried out some of her deep, deep pain.

When she started to calm a bit, Hannah took her face in her hands and said, "Oh, Rhian, of course, you don't trust things right now, and that's all right. You trusted people, and they hurt you for it. These people did you wrong, when they should have cherished and protected you, love. They hurt you, and that's their fault, not yours. I know you feel bad, Rhian. I know. But it won't always be this way, love. And you're already on the right track to getting better, do you know that?"

Still crying, Rhian asked. "H-How?"

The midwife lifted the girl's chin. "Because of what you just told me. This is how you feel right now, and you told me about it. That's how we start to help you get better; talking helps to get the hurt out."

After a long while, Rhian settled down, and the midwife handed her a cold cloth to wash her face, and a kerchief to blow her nose.

Hannah had to clean her own face, too. "We're a pair, aren't we?" She laughed a little, as she blew her nose.

"Let me tell you what I see, love. I see a young girl, who hasn't been able to relax and feel protected and secure for so long, it's impossible for you to accept it. Think of it as being stuck in a damp, dark cave for a very long time. You've been there so long, you learned to accept it, and to make it home, because you have no choice. But then, all of a sudden, a way out appears, and it looks bright and hopeful. So, you step towards the entrance, and stick one foot out.

"But suddenly you think, 'what if going this way makes things worse than it already is?' Sometimes, you think, 'it's safer to live there,' because you've already learned to live without hope, and you're familiar with it. If you do leave your cave, and things don't work out, you'd be so crushed you are afraid you wouldn't survive it. It makes sense, love. So, as soon as you see the sunshine hit you foot outside of the cave, you start to feel good, and it feels so strange, and it scares you so much, that you pull it back into the dark, and run back to the world you know."

Hannah looked into the girl's face. "Does this sound at all like what it's like?"

Rhian, trying to hold back tears, nodded. "I want to feel good, but I'm afraid to."

"I know you do. It's natural to feel the way you do, and it'll take a while to learn to trust the sunshine. But, if you keep trying, you will one day. And you won't have to do it alone." Hannah squeezed her hands. "Now, I have two things I want you to do for me."

Rhian looked at her expectantly.

"Firstly, I want you to only think about today. Not yesterday, or tomorrow, or the next day or the next. Just today. Secondly, if you catch yourself feeling anxious, I want you to close your eyes, take two or three deep breaths, and say to yourself, 'I am safe now, and no one will hurt me,' over and over. It probably won't make you feel better today, but that's all right. Your body only knows how to take things one way, but we're going to help teach it something different. Don't think too much about it; just breathe and say it, again and again. Only for today. Practice this, and look after your baby, that's all. Do you think you do this?"

Rhian nodded, her face still splotchy. "I'll try."

"That's my girl. You need to take life right now in tiny, baby steps. And I'll be with you all the way, I promise you. You may not believe it now, but saying what you just said to me, and having a good cry about it, is a good sign."

Hannah smiled. "Now, I'm going to come and see you later today, to see how Darryn is nursing, in case you need more help with that, love. And if you want to talk more, we can. We also need to get you up and walking a little bit, so you can start to get your strength back, all right?" The midwife squeezed the young girl's hand. "Get some rest, love." Then she stepped out closing the door behind her.

Exhausted and drained from her outburst, Rhian sighed a few times, then rolled on her side and fell asleep.

Once outside of the Healing Halls, Hannah stopped and sat down on one of the stone benches placed against the walls, and leaned her head back, closing her eyes. Once she collected herself, she took a deep breath, and went to find Hilda.