Chapter Thirty-Four
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SUMMARY: Rhian learns something interesting from Hannah, and it helps her gain perspective. Ruvyn, one of Thranduil's personal guards, is very concerned about his friend Daeron, and offers him some advice.
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The Woodland Realm, 28th February; 2942, T.A.
Rhian could hardly believe it; her son was two months old!
He was sleeping well for most of the night, and every time he laughed at her, she felt a thrill of happiness. He was developing his unique personality, and to her great delight, he was a friendly, happy baby and loved to be held by everyone.
She was completely free of physical pain, for the first time in years. No bruises, no broken bones, and no soreness. She was sleeping soundly, in between feedings, and she was gaining strength physically.
Emotionally, she was having more and more good days, thanks to Hannah, who helped her talk about things, and Indis who helped keep her in a healthy routine.
The constant wariness and fear, was slowly being replaced with life, and she was learning how to appreciate it. She still had to work hard at trusting all of this, but she could feel the progress she was making.
She and Indis went for walks every day, with Darryn in a sling attached to her front. At first, she dreaded leaving her apartment, and felt a heaviness in her chest and her stomach turn whenever she walked through the door way. They started by just walking up and down the wide hallway of the Royal Wing, and it was extremely difficult. The guards, and those who passed her didn't speak to her make overt advances; they simply smiled and let her keep her distance, until she became more confident.
When Hannah took her to the doors of the Dining Hall, and she surprised Sigrid by waving hello to her at her birthday party, it was a personal triumph, even though her knees were shaking the entire time.
"It will get easier, I promise." Hannah kept saying to her.
These days, she walked farther away from her apartment, for longer periods of time. Thranduil had graciously offered Rhian access to his Private Garden, so she could go outdoors without crowds or lots of noise. It was surrounded by a high wall, and accessible through a door at the end of the hall, past the door to the King's Chambers. Yesterday, Sigrid watched the baby, and she and Indis put their coats on and walked for over an hour; the fresh air felt wonderful!
Hannah had also been working with her to help get over her fear of being touched, and that was much easier. Hannah kept urging her to take deep breaths and repeat "I'm safe" until her body learned to react differently to touch, and she was getting the hang of it.
She trusted Hannah, so when Rhian became used her touch, Indis began to touch her on the arm or around the shoulders for short periods of time, until she got used to it. Sigrid, when she visited, began to sit close beside her and hold her hand for short periods of time, and now she could hug her with no butterflies in her stomach.
Best of all, Old Ben came! It seemed a miracle to not feel nervous when he hugged her so tight, but she had always felt safe with him. It was the proudest moment of her life, when she introduced him to her baby, and even that was nothing compared to the little celebration in King Thranduil's study, when he officially became her Da, and Darryn's Grandda!
Life was the best it had ever been for her, and she felt sure the uneasiness and depression were behind her for good.
That doesn't mean to say everything went smoothly. Some mornings, she could hardly get out of bed, especially if she had a bad dream, and it would set her back. Shortly after Ben left for Dale, she'd had a bad night; full of bad dreams and memories, and could hardly get out of bed the next day, she was frustrated and devastated.
Hannah was sent for, but to her surprise, she didn't take the setback very seriously.
"It's like this, dear," Hannah explained, as she took a piece of paper and a pencil and drew a spiral. "It can feel like you're going around in circles, where you feel like you're doing wonderfully," she indicated the top of the circle, "then you'll have bad days," she pointed to the bottom of a circle, "and you'll have average days," she indicated the right and left. I know it sometimes seems like you're getting nowhere, but, "and she showed her the entire spiral, "every time you make a cycle, you're moving upwards, aren't you? And, see how the circles are really big at the bottom, which is how you were when we first started to talk? You were really hurting, love, weren't you?"
Rhian studied the diagram Hannah had drawn. "At the top, the circles are smaller."
"Yes, they are. Can you think of what that could mean?"
The young girl thought. "Maybe up here, even though I go through cycles, they won't be as bad."
The midwife smiled. "Exactly! And I'll tell you another secret: Everyone is in the middle of a cycle somewhere. Everyone! We, all of us, have ups and down, and days on end where little happens. So, you see, you aren't so different than anyone else. There's not nearly as much wrong with you, as you think."
Rhian sat back on the couch, and stared straight ahead, taking it all in. "Really?"
"Really. Now, can you think of a reason why I'm glad you're going in cycles?"
She thought. Then she picked up the pencil, and drew a thick line, back and forth at the bottom of the page, where the circles were bigger. "I used to be sad and scared all the time, and nothing else."
"You were locked inside yourself, so you couldn't feel anything. It was how you survived."
Then she pointed to what Hannah drew. "Things seemed so… I don't know… big, and hard, even when I felt good, because I didn't really know how to take it… I can't explain it."
"You're doing a pretty good job, love. You shut down, love; you tried to keep everything flat, to protect yourself. Then you started feeling things again, and it was frightening, because you didn't know if you could trust it, could you? And your moods would change rapidly, because you weren't used to it. So, the more you go through these cycles, the good, the bad and the average, the better you'll learn to handle it.
"It's like when Sigrid's brother Bain learns archery. His arm doesn't know how to get the arrow where he needs it to be, because his arms are weak, and they need to learn the movements. He shoots over and over again, and his arm gets sore, just like your feelings get really sore, do you see? But he keeps at it, and pretty soon, his arm stops hurting and he's hitting a bullseye!"
Rhian smiled. "I understand." She grinned up at Hannah. "When you show me it like this, it doesn't seem so scary anymore."
Hannah put her arm around the girl. "Of course, it doesn't. It helps, doesn't it? And I'll tell you something else," she pointed to all the upward spirals. "Do you remember when you told me two months ago, how you didn't 'know anything' in here?" Hannah pointed to her heart.
The young mother thought about their conversation right after she had given birth, in the Healing Halls. "I said it was like I had 'nothing for sure' to get me through."
"That's what you said. Well, I'll tell you, love; every time you work through another cycle and move up, just a little bit, you're learning about things; about yourself and about life. And it teaches you things to 'know' and keep in your heart."
Rhian put both hands over her mouth, and considered all this. Then, to Hannah's surprise, she threw her arms around the midwife and said, "Thank you. I think I could really get better!"
Hannah waited to be sure, then hugged the girl back. "You are a lovely girl, and with a good, kind heart, and you deserve to be happy. You're also learning how strong you really are inside."
"I don't know about that."
"Well, I do! You are a survivor, and you will overcome this; just be patient with yourself. Others see the strength in you, too."
"Really?"
"There are a lot of people who really care about you; especially your Da!"
Rhian smiled. "I never called my father that; but with Ben, it seems right and natural. He always felt like my Da; now it's official!"
"I couldn't be happier for you, love. Now, when you have bad day – and you will have them - what are you going to try to do?"
"I'll try to remember that it's just part of the circle, and wait until I go back to the top again."
"That's my girl."
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The Woodland Realm, 3rd of March, 2942, T.A.
"Now, when you are grabbed from behind, around the shoulders like this; the best thing you can do, is simply drop. You want to instantly bend your legs and lower your center of gravity, ladies. Squirm, wiggle, throw your feet up in the air, if you have to! It is much like how a cat behaves when thrown in water. Do your best to be uncontrollable. Now, we want you to practice in pairs, until the moves become a bit more familiar, then Ivran and I will take turns trying the move on you. Ready? Go!"
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Ivran and Ruvyn had been teaching hand-to-hand combat with the women of Dale, for the past four weeks. Both Elves were impressed; these women lacked skill and experience, yes, but they more than made up for it with sheer physical strength and steely kdetermination. These were women who had spent all their lives working hard, and, as Lord Bard had told them, weren't afraid of hard work.
The two Elven officers spent most of their time guarding the doors to King Thranduil's chambers, and Ivran and Ruvyn enjoyed the job very much, especially since their King married Lord Bard. They had great affection for him, especially since the night Thranduil brought him back to their rooms staggering drunk, on Dorwinian wine. Lord Bard made their beloved King happy, and everyone was glad to see the smiles on his face and to hear his laughter once more in the Halls. It was easy to love the Royal Family, and they felt it a privilege to help protect them.
It has been a long-standing rule for any guard in the Royal Wing to never speak of what goes on there. No discussions amongst themselves was tolerated, either. To be caught doing so, would be to break the confidentiality of their King, and was grounds for dismissal, possibly even treason.
For Ivran and Ruvyn, it was a matter of personal honor, more than obeying rules. Theirs was a highly-coveted position, and neither would do anything to threaten that. They especially enjoyed the lively activity of the children, and when called upon to escort them to school, or other lessons, they enjoyed the friendly chatter.
When Captain Adamar was asking for volunteers to train the women from Dale in basic self-defense, they jumped at the chance, and worked their schedules around it.
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"Very good! As we continue with the hand-to-hand training, you can see, it's not always a matter of strength, it is a matter of speed, agility and skill. Anyone who tries to make you feel like you are helpless, is lying to you. We saw how brave you women were, when you charged out of the Great Hall, during the Battle. You helped your people, yes, but you also learned a great deal about yourselves, and I hope you never forget it." The women all smiled at Ruvyn, and nodded their thanks.
"Now, next week, we will begin working with wrist locks, and how to escape them. That is all for today."
The class was dismissed, and they watched the women talk excitedly among themselves as they exited the arena. Daeron had entered, stepped aside politely and held the door, to allow them though.
When the women left, he walked over to his friend. "How did everything go?" he asked. "They look happy."
"They are eager to learn. I wonder if so many would have signed up, had their men been present, this winter. It is not necessarily a terrible thing, that the women are here without them. I can imagine more than one husband will be dismayed when they all return to Dale."
Daeron shook his head. "The race of Men is not used to women warriors, but these folks are much better about these things than in Gondor. There will be a few men who object, but most will be glad of it."
"Have you thought about teaching your friend, Rhian?" Ruvyn asked. "I am aware she is nervous..."
Daeron gave him a warning look, but the Ruvyn seemed nonplussed. "I know we have been ordered not to approach her unless there is desperate need, but she has shown significant improvement, which gladdens my heart, as I know it does yours."
"We should not be speaking of this."
"I understand the regulations about gossiping, my friend, so I will not say anything else, except to suggest that perhaps her self-confidence might improve a great deal, if she learned she is not helpless."
Daeron looked at him intensely, then nodded. "I will give it some thought. I think my Aunt Indis should be the one to teach her. I do not like the idea of her being manhandled by a male. It could cause a setback, even if it is just to instruct her."
"Could you not do it?"
"No." Daeron paused, and looked down for a moment. "I… am much too busy with my duties, working with Tilda, and teaching weaponry to the boys. It would be better if Indis was her teacher."
Ruvyn studied his friend thoughtfully, then he waved to Ivran, who was leaving to start his shift. "Daeron?"
"What?" The Guard tried to look casual.
"How are you with Rhian? Is anything amiss, there?"
"No! We are friends. She is making excellent progress and she was recently adopted by a cousin. That has done much for her."
"And the child?"
Ruvyn noticed the change in his demeanor, and the smile on his face. "He is very healthy, and friendly. I care about him deeply." Then Daeron's eyes became a little sad.
Ruvyn sighed and shook his head. "I know why you suffer, Mellon nîn. You should speak to King Thranduil, and soon."
Daeron's head snapped back to look into his eyes with alarm and embarrassment.
Ruvyn stepped closer to his friend. "It is well, Mellon; only those close to you can see your anguish," he whispered. "But, if you speak with Lord Thranduil, you may find it is not so hopeless. He may surprise you."
"Rhian is not ready for anything such as that."
Ruvyn put his hand on Daeron's arm. "No, my friend, she is not. But that does not mean all is lost. I know you don't want to hurt her, but I also do not want you to be hurt. Things are changing, our King is married to a human! If there is a way, Lord Thranduil will help you with this. He cares about you; let him try to help."
The Guard rubbed his forehead with worry, but they couldn't continue the conversation, because the boy's weaponry class just arrived.
"Your secret is safe with me; if you ever need to talk, I am here for you." Ruvyn whispered.
Daeron nodded his head, then quickly turned and approach the crowd. "Good afternoon, boys!" and Ruvyn left the arena, but not before giving his childhood friend a look of compassion.
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