Chapter Thirty-Nine

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SUMMARY: Tilda and her Ada go looking for an important story.

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The Woodland Realm, 11th of March, 2942, T.A.

"Did I kill my mother?"

"What?" Thranduil was completely shocked. "Do you really think this, child?"

"Sometimes." She shrugged. "I know she died when I got borned, so..."

"Have you spoken to your Da about this?"

"No. It would make him sad."

Thranduil studied her face, then tucked her under his chin, so he could think, for a minute or two…

"I can understand why you would not want to bring it up with your Da or your Auntie Hil, my Tithen Pen. Of course it is a natural thing to wonder about the day you were born. I've been told Mistress Hannah was the one who brought you into this world. Would you like for us to speak with her?"

Tilda nodded her head. "Could we?"

He sighed. "You are still recovering from a serious illness, so I cannot allow you to get upset…" He studied her face carefully, "but perhaps this is something that can ease your mind… Come, hênig."

He picked her up and took her out the door and told the guard to send for Hannah. He said to the other guard. "If Lord Bard looks for us, please tell him we will be back shortly, and we are not to be disturbed." Then he took her into his study, and they waited.

Soon Hannah arrived, and Galion served her a cup of tea, as Thranduil held Tilda in his lap.

"Thank you for coming, Mistress Hannah." He told her. "Tilda has been wondering about her birth, and is a bit worried that she may have been the cause of her mother's death. I believe she deserves an answer from someone who was there, so her fears can be put to rest. I do not like to go behind Bard's back, but we do not want to stir up memories for him. Do you understand our position?"

Hannah nodded her head. "I do, My Lord." Then she turned to the little girl. "Tilda, it's perfectly natural to want to know about your birth, love."

"But it made everybody sad."

Of course, some of the story was sad, but it was also very beautiful, and even miraculous, too." The woman gave her a genuine smile.

"Was Mam sick?"

"Yes, she was. I think she was sick before, but we didn't know it. I took care of your Mam with Sigrid and Bain, and she was very healthy with both of them and had an easy time, but something wasn't right with her, when she was carrying you."

Tilda's eyes were wide, and she leaned into Thranduil for reassurance. He held her tight, and stroked his hands over her hair. "Do you want to stop, Tilda? I do not want you getting upset."

"I want to know, Ada. Please?"

Hannah came over to the couch where the little girl was sitting, and put her hand on Tilda's cheek. "Lovey, you did nothing to your mother; I promise you. Mattie was sick in her own body."

"So… I didn't make her sick?"

"Absolutely not. There was something terribly wrong, something no one could have prevented. She would get very tired, and bruise easily and sometimes her nose would bleed, for no real reason. All we could do, was make sure your Mam got the rest she needed, and had good, nourishing food. Medicine was scarce then, but I don't think it would have helped."

"Why?" Tilda was curious.

"Something wasn't right in her blood, you see. I've seen that kind of thing before, in men and women, and there's nothing to be done. By all rights, it should have taken you, too. But your Mam loved you so much, she wouldn't let you get sick."

"She didn't let me get sick in her belly?"

"I believe so, pet. Your Mam prayed and prayed to the Valar to spare you, and lo and behold, there you were; with beautiful hair and long, dark eyelashes, and screaming bloody murder." Hannah smiled down at her. "You were a miracle, lovey! You were an answer to her prayers."

"So, I could have died too?"

"I've never seen a baby live, when there's a sickness like that, but I didn't have the heart to say anything. Then we saw you come out so pink and healthy, your Auntie Hil and I were very surprised."

The midwife's eyes filled with tears. "Your Mam knew she couldn't stay, but all during her labor, she kept begging the Valar to help you, and willed her body to give you everything, so you could be here for your Da. You were her last gift to him, my darling girl. She loved you then, and she loves you still."

Thranduil's eyes stung. "Nothing is more powerful than a mother's love Tithen Pen." He whispered, and kissed Tilda's hair. He couldn't help but think of Mírelen, and what she'd done to save Legolas.

Tilda looked thoughtful. "Did my Mam see me?"

"She sure did!" Hannah smiled. "As soon as I got you clean and bundled up, Auntie Hil laid you right beside her head, and oh! The look on her face... She'd gotten so thin and pale, but when she laid eyes on you, she looked beautiful again, all because of you." The midwife took out her handkerchief. "Your Mam knew it was going to be all right, then."

"Did she say anything to me?"

"You were crying, as all new babies do, but she started to talk to you, as soon as you heard her voice, you stopped crying and looked right at her."

"She talked to me?" Tilda's eyes widened. "Really? What did she say?"

The Midwife nodded. "She told you how much she loved you, and that she wanted you to grow up to have a good, kind heart, and to be good to your Da. Mattie said you were going grow up to be a beautiful little girl, and she was right about that, wasn't she?" Hannah chuckled.

"Mam thought I was pretty?"

"Oh, yes, love, and you were a pretty baby. Her very last words were, 'She's so beautiful.' Mattie couldn't talk after that, but you were the last thing she saw, when she closed her eyes." She gave Tilda a reassuring smile. "So, you see? You gave your Mam joy and happiness, when she left this world, and that's a wonderful thing."

Thranduil added, "Your Auntie Hil tells me she was present at all of your births. Did you know that, hênig?"

Tilda nodded her head.

"Hilda would've loved you, regardless, but your Mam asked her to look after you all, and she's loved you every bit as a mother would."

Tilda considered all of this. "Did Da get mad at me, because Mam died?"

"Oh, no, love. Your Da loved you the second he laid eyes on you, don't ever doubt it." Hannah said, gently. "It was a sad night, when we lost your Mam, but your Da has never ever blamed you."

"But how do you know, for sure?"

The child's words pierced Thranduil's heart. What a burden for one so young! His arms tightened around her, and he couldn't help but kiss her hair again, as Hannah went on.

"I know your Da never blamed you, because I was the one who put you into his arms! Bard looked at you with as much love as your your sister and brother. It was your Da who named you after your mother, did you know that?"

Tilda shook her head and looked up at Thranduil. "Da talks sometimes about Sigrid and Bain, but he never talks about when I got borned."

"I am sure he is sad to think of losing your Mam, but that is not your fault." He smiled down at her. "You were a gift from her, to help him be happy, again. Do you see?"

"That's true, lovey." Hannah confirmed.

Thranduil brushed the hair away from her face. "How do you feel, Tilda?" he asked, gently.

"I'm, sad that Mam died, but I'm glad she got to see me. And I'm glad I made Da smile again. Now he has you, and Tauriel, too." The little girl looked at Hannah and Thranduil. "Will Da get mad 'cause we're talking about it?"

"I do not think so," Thranduil assured her. "Let me speak to him; I am sure it will be fine. Will you trust me?"

"Okay."

"And if you ever want to talk again, I'm here, lovey." Hannah got up. "I've got some appointments, so I'd best be on my way. She smiled down at the little girl. "I'm glad I could tell you about this. It was a special night."

"Even though it was sad?"

Hannah stroked her hair. "You were your Mam's miracle baby; a gift from the Valar. And Mattie went on to a place where she will always be young, and happy, and that's wondrous thing, too." Hannah said, softly. "And her last act on this earth was to give your Da a beautiful baby girl."

Hannah smiled, patted Tilda's hair, then excused herself.

"Are you all right, Tithen Pen?" Thranduil asked her. "Do you feel better?"

"She knew me..." Tilda said with wonder. "My Mam knew me." She said, softly.

"Yes, Tilda, she did. She loved you from the moment she knew you were going to come, she loved you as you grew in her belly, and she loves you still, just as my wife still loves Legolas. Tauriel lost her parents when she was a baby, but they still love her." He lifted her chin with his fingers and looked into her face. "No matter where you go, or what you do, Mattie's love will always surround you."

"I…miss her, sometimes, even though I don't remember."

"Of course, you do! It is natural to wonder what your life would be like, had she lived. But try not to get caught up in those thoughts, because you can forget to see the blessings you have now." He smiled. "She wants you to live the best life you can, and be happy, so when you see her again, you can tell her all about it."

"Like when Da leaves, we should try to have a good time, so we can write him good stories?"

"Exactly, Tithen Pen." Thranduil picked Tilda up again. "Come now. Let us see if your Da is awake."

He carried her across the Hall, to find Bard lounging in front of the fire with a book.

"Where have you two been?" He grinned up at them both.

"Me and Ada were…" Tilda looked at Thranduil. "...looking for a story."

"Did you find it?"

Thranduil booped her nose, and winked. "Yes, Meleth nîn, we did."

Soon, it was time for the children to come back from their afternoon activities.

He and Thranduil sat in the Living Room and relaxed, as the children did their homework. Tilda was also there, in her wheel chair, practicing her writing with some specially adapted pencils.

Galion came in the door, and went the Kings. "May I speak with you?" he said in a low voice.

Bard looked at his husband. "Sure. Here or in your office?"

"In Thranduil's office, please. It should only take a few minutes, but it is important."

They got up and Thranduil put his hand on Sigrid's shoulder. "You are in charge, Iellig."

Sigrid smiled up at him. "Sure, Ada. We're almost done."

Bard enjoyed watching the exchange between his husband and their children. As hard as this separation was, the weeks here helped to cement their bond and they were a true family.

They went to Thranduil's study to find Galion holding a letter.

"This is a reply from Mithrandir, regarding my inquiries about…the incident. I wanted you both to know about it, right away."

Thranduil took the letter and began to read aloud:

Greetings Lord Galion:

I was very interested to get your letter describing the events in the Palace two weeks past. I, too, share your immense relief that Bard and Thranduil managed to find their way through these difficulties, with no permanent damage, and a stronger bond.

To answer your question, it is entirely possible that a spirit of evil tried to find a home in Bard. Your description of his behavior, and his own bewilderment, seems to indicate thus.

If your assumption is correct, it would certainly account for his actions and words. If that evil was not overcome, it could have caused a chain reaction that would threaten the entire North!

Had I been there, I most likely would have recognized it for what it was, and banished it from him, but I am most encouraged to hear that, with yours and Lady Hilda's help, they found a way to banish it themselves, which is even better.

My intervention could have still left them vulnerable, but their own character and affection turned that weakness into strength. That's more powerful than any spell I could conjure. To love and forgive is the mightiest of weapons against the hatred, and is more powerful than any spell I could conjure against the hate and fear that the Enemy loves to breed in us. It can ruin a man, disintegrate a family, and topple a government.

This might sound overly simplistic and smarmy, but these are the basic underlying truths to which we all must hold, if we are to defeat the Evil One in the end. All three Kingdoms must never forget to be vigilant about such things; our Enemy is always looking for ways to destroy everything that is good in Middle Earth.

Yes, Bard lacks experience as a King, but he has a genuine desire for wisdom, and knows how to love and care for others. If he stays on this path, Dale will continue to grow and thrive by his fine example, and I foresee that he will be the glue that holds all three Kingdoms together!

With my fondest regards,

Mithrandir

Later, after everyone else was down for the night. Thranduil and Bard stripped down, then the Elvenking held out his arms, and Bard went to him, and settled against him.

They both sighed blissfully, with Bard's head on Thranduil's shoulder. "I love this…" he mumbled. "You're much easier to sleep with than a farting dog."

Thranduil snorted with laughter. "I certainly hope so."

Bard smiled, as he rubbed the Elf's chest and stomach in small circles.

"Bard?" he heard Thranduil whisper quietly.

"What, love?"

"I have to tell you something, and I hope you do not think I have overstepped my boundaries…"

"Boundaries?" Bard lifted his head. "What are you talking about?"

"Tilda asked me some questions this afternoon, while you were napping, so I helped her find some answers."

"The 'story' you two were looking for? What did she want to know?" he grinned up at his husband. "Where little Elflings come from?"

Thranduil wasn't smiling back. "You are partly right. She shared her fears about her own birth, because she did not want to broach the subject with you or Hilda."

"Why not?"

Thranduil looked at him, not saying anything, until Bard was suddenly filled with realization.

"Oh, gods… How long has she thought that way?"

"For quite some time I think. The best thing to do was to send for Hannah, who was very kind, and made her understand she was in no way responsible for her mother's death."

He sat up and ran his hands in his hands through his hair. "She thinks she killed her own mother?"

"I am afraid that was her exact question. She knows how much you love her now, but I think she was afraid you had to struggle to forgive her, when she was first born."

"Oh, no…" Bard felt like a spear rammed through his chest. "That's not... What did Hannah say?"

So Thranduil told him everything that was asked and all the answers. Bard listened with increasing interest; much of this he didn't know. At the time, he was so full of grief to even think of asking, and he made himself get on with things and wouldn't let himself wonder.

"They thought Tilda would be stillborn." Bard said, very quietly.

"Yes." Thranduil told him. "I am sorry if this distresses you."

"I knew Mattie was sick… That was such a terrible, terrible night…" He felt Thranduil's hand in his back, rubbing it in slow circles. "When Hilda came to the house to tell me, everything began to spin, and I covered my ears before she could say a word."

"Why, Meleth?" Thranduil asked, quietly.

"I guess… if I didn't hear the words," he looked at Thranduil, and sighed, "it wouldn't be true."

Thranduil put his arm around him. "When Tilda was so sick, you did the same thing when you rushed into the nursery that night, did you know that? I had to pry your hands away, so you could hear that she was still with us."

Bard leaned his head on Thranduil's shoulder. "I never thought Tilda was responsible; not for a second." Bard said, thoughtfully. "It kills me to think she was worried about it, and I'll make sure she knows that; whatever it takes."

"I know you will," Thranduil kissed Bard's temple, and stroked his hair. "You are the best of men, and an excellent father."

"Did Hannah help her?"

"I believe she did. Hannah told her how happy Mattie was to know she was alive, and told her all she said. Mattie felt joy as she slipped away; is that not something we all wish for?"

Bard leaned over to kiss Thranduil. "I never thought of that, but I'm glad Mattie had peace in the end."

Thranduil sighed. "I cannot help but wish Mírelen had the same, when she left us."

Bard saw the sadness flicker in his Elf's eyes. "Mírelen may not have felt joy, but I think you gave her peace, when she passed."

Thranduil looked confused. "I do not understand."

"Think about it, love. Your wife died trying to protect Legolas, right?"

"Yes," was the Elf's whispered reply.

"You said she was still conscious when you got to her?"

Thranduil murmured. "She couldn't talk, but our fëas…said much."

She must have known Legolas was safe, when she saw your face, didn't she?"

"He was screaming, but Feren comforted him."

Bard looked into his eyes. "She knew he was alive, and she knew you'd take care of him." Bard said, as he caressed Thranduil's cheek. "Didn't you say that the only thing that kept you from fading, was her voice in your head, urging you not to leave him?"

All the Elf could do was nod, as he swallowed hard.

"So you gave Mírelen peace, when she heard the call of Mandos, didn't you?"

"But… "

"You were hurting, and you were trying to stay alive, but you kept your promise. Remember what Gandalf said in his letter? We must learn to let go, forgive ourselves, and to embrace the love we have now."

After a few minutes, Thranduil took his hand and kissed it. "Thank you," he whispered. "So… You do not object to me helping Tilda this way?"

"Of course not!" Bard told him. "She trusted her Ada with her most important secret." He smiled at him and kissed the Elf's brow. "That's a sign that you're really a parent to her."

"Would Mattie want this, Bard? I do not want to take her place..."

"She would, love. And I'd never want Legolas to forget about his mother."

Thranduil sighed, and brought their foreheads together. "I love you very much."

"And I completely adore you."

They kissed and held each other for several long minutes, snuggled back down, but Bard lay awake for a long time, thinking about his Mattie, and wishing her peace and happiness in her new life.

He sent up yet another prayer of thanks to her and to the Valar for the gift lying in his arms.

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ELVEN TRANSLATIONS:

Hênig - my child

Tithen Pen - Little One

Meleth nîn - My love