Errrrr…
Nothing went through Yasuo's mind in this instant, sort of blank after the latest words. Do it…to me… ? This was even 'worse' than the topic itself. It would teach him to think before speaking because that was his fault there. He acted on a reflex then here they were. Stuck in an awkward mood.
Yi gazed at him with light worry, head tilted to a side. Oh so clear confusion, since he wanted to do his best. Sometimes the knowledge barrier was obvious.
« I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that. » Quick hands over Yasuo, having him to look back.
Of course he would apologize. Don't. All that Yi saw was his reaction, deep blush taking over and general fluster.
Why did I do thaaaaaaaat ? It sounded really dumb to seek a reaction from a mortal gesture. An outsider wouldn't really understand unless they knew already. And Yi didn't.
Also Yasuo questionned this whole idea of asking another sexy time after a sort of argument. He shouldn't have. Yi barely recovered from the scare and he couldn't even be sure that he was back to his peaceful self. Knowing him, guilt could consume him till the very last bit.
Thinking of, it was extremely stupid to have sex so soon. This was exactly how Yi hurt him, during their cuddles and chances were he wouldn't risk that again. Oh no. Sudden fear took Yasuo, at the possibility of reducing their time together because of the accident.
So it became important to appease Yi : « It's alright ! I shouldn't have started that, my bad. »
Then he embraced tightly the latter, to show how much he meant it and maybe drop the topic. It wouldn't have led nowhere, anyway. In his arms, Yi welcomed him with his dear kindness, maybe surprised by the outburst.
They both needed that after such serious conversation.
« I understand, we won't discuss that further. But still, do you need my help ? » Whispered close to him as he held Yasuo carefully.
He wants too ? This wasn't what Yasuo expected, bracing himself for the worst. Maybe Yi wouldn't have too much guilt to relent their intercourses and quiet times.
« I don't really need right now. Just, I thought it would give a good distraction. And you, baby ? Need more ? »
« All I need is to know you're satisfied and happy. Then everything is fine. »
« Oh, ok. » There was nothing else he could say. No point in having sex if neither needed it. Yasuo didn't dare to ask again, since the latter didn't really answer his question. But if Yi needed, he would have said so.
Nothing to add.
The rest of the day was quite strange, more than usual. It wasn't bad, Yasuo would say but it was definitely different. Yet difficult to say how.
Yi stayed with him as he could, calming presence by his side. Even when Yasuo decided to pretend to be social and join his crewmates. The latter came with him and took part in whatever conversation happened.
This wasn't the strange part.
It lied somewhere else, in embraces behind locked doors. That day was quiet in the good way, nothing to bother them – even Jinx. It made it more obvious, noticeable. Something lacking.
Yasuo didn't realize till they were alone and time passed without problem. But it was here, the void left by something that used to be here.
They didn't have sex that evening, or afternoon. Instead time was spent in silent embraces, both lying down in bed holding each other. That wasn't so unfamiliar, they did it sometimes when all they craved was contact and presence.
That feeling sticked with him, oh so loved in this same embrace yet he could notice it. Emptiness. These hands remained gentle over him when one shifted and changed side, snuggled to the other. It was so good, why did it feel like loss ? Silence became heavy, with no way to prevent it. Breaking it would only point out how unusual it was, almost frightening.
Was it because of the accident ?
All that he feared and it could be true indeed. A change in behavior around him. Yasuo doubted the latter was really aware of this or if he was, he didn't mean to be so out of it.
It happened they didn't have sex some evenings, when Yi deemed he was too tired. Or just when they lingered in soft domesticity, too unbothered to break it. Maybe it was just one of these nights, when there was no need for sexual relief. But knowing what happened earlier, Yasuo still doubted and let fear do its work.
Not a single word said. Maybe he was wrong to stay silent on this issue, it could build up and become worse later. But he risked to worry Yi even more if he pointed out a change in behavior. He tried to solve what he caused and this could be his solution, no need to give him regrets. How cruel to make a remark to someone already struggling.
On the other hand, it hurt slightly to have this silence between them. Yi knew him more than anyone, probably he noticed how quiet he was. But he was far too careful and polite to say so. And Yasuo feared to start an argument. Let it hurt. Maybe next day everything would be better and indeed it was just one of those 'low' nights.
Love was silent but remained voiced in gestures. That part gave him hope, everything wasn't running to a disaster. He could lean closer and Yi would meet him half-way for a kiss. Sometimes he was the one initiating affection, nuzzling Yasuo's neck as to seek his warmth. That soft behavior always made him think about snakes, coiling around a warmer source.
They would be alright, merely a small matter.
It didn't take long for him to fall asleep. Everything led him to that, the calm aura nearby and soft gestures as to lull him to sleep. It was fine, he could rest now. Though his mind wasn't so free, still touched by this slight ache.
Darkness, dreamless rest and all he needed was Yi.
He's asleep. Then Yi could relax a little more, no harm done. At least Yasuo would get his rest without problem.
Careful hands over his lover, Yi parted enough to lay a worried gaze over him. From the outside, the day could have looked quite normal – except its very beginning – but they both knew it wasn't the case. To hear nothing from Yasuo for such an extended time was enough, if not alarming. Yi wondered if that was by instinct or if the latter sensed anything, just like himself did.
It would be useless to ask what was wrong. He could just see the consequences now. Not terrible but Yasuo was alright, unhurt. This was all that mattered.
Yi had no idea how to properly handle that. It seemed that his unwilling move would follow them forever and no solution would ease the situation.
So for now he wouldn't risk more. Not so soon. It could be cruel for them both to refuse more sexual relief but it was for Yasuo's safety. In no way he could control himself during it and they had a proof of the danger it represented. No more for Yi.
It didn't mean they would stop having sex but rather that he wouldn't seek pleasure on his side. Only for Yasuo. Yet he already knew this was a bad idea although he meant well. The latter wouldn't be happy to be the only one sated then he would feel guilty and it would make Yi more sad for causing this. Infinite loop of guilt. His would cause Yasuo's.
Plus this didn't count how needy himself could get over time. It started slowly but each night it got stronger, when left alone to think. If he stopped any kind of relief, no doubt it would spiral into something he was too scared to imagine.
Difficult debate indeed. Yasuo's safety still came before anything else so he would make sure not to share mutually their intercourses. No way to keep the latter from that too, he had needs. For now this solution would do but Yi knew it wouldn't last.
I can't hurt him again. He wouldn't forgive himself if it happened. Love was wonderful to give but it ached to feel so responsible, to fear for Yasuo. Life was to fragile, no risk allowed. But at what cost ? The ultimate solution would be to stay away from his lover but this sounded as painful as the time he indeed avoided him after the accident. He couldn't inflict that to himself and Yasuo. Yet that way he would be sure to never hurt him again.
On reflex he held the latter closer. What a blessing to love and what a curse to worry that much. Sometimes visions flashed before his eyes, possibilities and disasters. What if he hurt him again ? This kind of thoughts were a guaranty to slip and fall into sadness yet fear was too strong. Indeed, what if ? There was no risk zero, no way to block everything.
« Yi, you're thinking too much and everyone can hear it. Come here. »
Oh. It wasn't always Ashe decided to ask for him when he was clearly in his 'free time' on the Morning Star. But the topic was serious.
« Yes, my queen. » Whispered as low as he could, to prevent any noise for Yasuo.
No way for him to dodge this. That was an order he could refuse but Yi wasn't the kind to deny any request to talk. Even less from her.
Then he had to move for now. It stung lightly to have to leave his lover but he had to. Soon enough he would be back. Gently he got out of the embrace and took the other pillow for Yasuo to hold in his rest. Maybe that would do the trick till then.
Within seconds he appeared in a new place, nowhere. There he found Ashe with a kind expression.
Small bow, for the respect he swore to give then they could start.
« You wished to talk, my queen ? »
He already knew that. Both did. And the topic wouldn't be the most joyful they had to discuss.
« Indeed, dear. I've been looking after you two and it seemed urgent to talk you out of doing something too drastic. »
Not a real surprise, if Yi was honest. Any of his peer could peek and see what each one of them did at the moment and since him and Yasuo were the main gossip topic for a time, there was always a fair chance to be observed. Of course no one would dare to bother them since Xayah made a public call for Rakan to 'mind his fucking business'. But nothing would stop them from peeking sometimes.
Yet this time it wasn't for the obvious point of distraction. Surely Ashe saw the accident, or heard him worry afterward.
Yi said nothing, merely nodded to show he heard well. Acknowledgement.
« I think you have heard Yasuo enough, it was an accident and you didn't mean to hurt him. But I know you and even without asking everyone can guess you're hurting yourself on this. »
Gaze averted, no matter how impolite it could be. It was true, he still couldn't forgive himself for what he did.
« I made him bleed. » Just this but it bore all the weight of his worry and guilt. Ashe would understand how much it meant.
« And you healed him. Never forget the positive part. Yi, there is no use in staying stuck on one error. » She sounded a little annoyed but not truly against him. That kind of reasoning wasn't healthy, both knew it yet Yi couldn't stop himself.
« It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I have to be more cautious and prevent any loss of control. » Even if it meant enjoying less what they had.
Never again.
« There are things you can't control. Right then, it's Yasuo who made a mistake although I'm not blaming him. »
Perks of looking after them, it meant she probably knew what happened indeed when himself was 'gone'. So it had to be true just like what Yasuo said, he did something risky without knowing it and Yi considered it his error.
This conversation wasn't really helping. Yi knew all of it, heard from another person so there was nothing new.
« Why ask me to come here ? I'm aware this wasn't just my fault, I know there is a constant risk. » It came out a little more defensive than what he wanted. Slowly it got to him, to be open on such sensitive topic. Mistakes weren't important but the worst ones could lead to something awful.
« Because you will punish yourself for this and it will hurt Yasuo. »
Too direct, a little wounding but true nonetheless. This was the only thing he could do yet indeed it would potentially hurt his lover. Not physically, at least.
Ashe sighed, patience was her quality but against certain matters it was difficult to find a way out. « I know you want to prevent that. But remember that he cares a lot about you, as much as you do for him. No need to punish yourself. »
Why was it so hard to understand ? Yi was aware but it didn't lessen the effort to make.
« What can I do then ? » He was that close to show emotions, let it meddle in his tone. No mistake allowed but had he to be so hard with himself ?
She came closer, making him look up on reflex. Soft smile indeed, to appease his worries : « Trust yourself. If something seems too risky then don't do it. Talk with Yasuo about it, I am sure he would find other ways to avoid accidents. But please don't try to cut contact, it would just hurt you both. »
Trust. Easy no ? Yet he would have to work on it.
Shaking himself out of this mess of feelings, Yi nodded again. The key was to remember this was for Yasuo's well-being. If their relationship ended up impacted by his lack of trust in himself, it could hurt him too. Maybe worse than another mistake.
« All will be alright. It's good, I have bothered you enough for now. You can go back to him. » Back to her lighter tone, since the most serious was said.
Yi felt that too, relief for now. He wasn't so peaceful yet but he could hope.
« Thank you, my queen. I will try my best. »
After that, Yi was quick to return to the Morning Star. Back to that dark room, completely silent. It was then that the longing hit, for being apart even in such short time.
Yasuo was still asleep, hugging the pillow dearly.
I'm back, love.
Without waiting Yi returned to bed by the latter's side. Still some care displayed when he had to extract the pillow and find his own true place in Yasuo's arms. It took some time but he made it.
Now he had the latter's snuggled to him, making affection bubble up instantly. It was nice and became too much. Enough for him to relish the instant, forget his guilt.
Love was too strong to be muffled.