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CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - IF YOU'RE LOST…

Due to her paid part-time internship at St. Mungo's, Hermione had more free time during the week than Remus did. Three days after their time at the Leaky Cauldron, Hermione had a day off. She got up early that morning to get herself ready and make sure things were put together. She greeted the boys per usual as Remus came by to drop off Teddy for the day, and waved Remus off as he disapparated away. She waited a few moments to see if Remus would come back for something he had forgotten before sending a patronus to Maeve. Her one and only mission today was to go back to the Leaky and find that man if he was still there. Hermione couldn't be certain that it was Severus, but even if it wasn't, Hermione felt like she needed answers of some kind. As soon as Maeve arrived, Hermione was out the door, disappearing and coming back into existence in the alleyway next to the Leaky.

Taking a deep, stabilizing breath, Hermione gave herself a glamour, she was shorter and thinner with sharp delicate features, blueish eyes, and short, wavy hair that was a mousy brown. Pushing her way through the door, Hermione glanced around but the man was nowhere to be seen, hopeful, Hermione took a seat in a spot excellent for watching the rest of the room and ordered tea and biscuits. It wasn't long before the man descended the stairs from the rooms up above, he socialized with no one and only spoke to order breakfast. He sat at a small table alone and opened up a newspaper while he waited. Hermione watched every move that he made as he ate his breakfast at a leisurely pace, turning the pages of the newspaper as he went. At last he got up, folding the newspaper next to his empty plate and left, not saying a word to anyone. Hermione waited and waited, until finally he came back, ate his supper at the bar top, and went back upstairs.

The next day Hermione had off was the same, he ate breakfast slowly, was gone the whole day, had dinner at the bar and retreated up the stairs to the rooms. Exactly a week after she had gone to the Leaky Cauldron with Remus, Hermione decided she would follow him. She was graced with the coincidence that Harry wanted Remus over for the weekend day and she didn't have to come up with any excuses. After breakfast, the first stop the man made was an apothecary and Hermione watched from across the street as he waved off the shop keep and confidently took things from the shelves.

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A complete fucking idiot. Severus thought to himself as he violently tied up his bootlaces. Hermione had been right there in front of him, he had found her, and what did he do about it? Absolutely fucking nothing. He should have grasped her to him, made love to her right there in the bar, taken her away where no one could find them. But, no. Instead he had behaved as if he had no idea who she was while the brave lass confronted a strange man. He was such a fool. A coward. Since then there had been no hide or hair of her and the only thing that kept Severus from feeling completely fucked was the watch, warm in his pocket. It was comforting and yet, tortuous. If she wasn't coming for him then why had she put the necklace back on? Was she doing it to wound him? The questions haunted and teased him and Severus found himself going to an apothecary to pick up ingredients and a few small pieces of equipment. He was sure someone would be peeved that he was brewing in his room but he did not care, he needed the Dreamless Sleep and, more concerning, the Calming Draught. The latter he had only taken in the most horrible times because Severus Snape was nothing if not a calm man, but he couldn't seem to stay calm now.

Walking through the village and stopping here and there, Severus got the feeling he was being watched, the hairs on his neck stood up and the skin down his spine seemed to ache. It was a similar feeling as he used to get when Hermione was staring at him, but looking around, there seemed to be no one suspicious. Severus cursed at himself internally, both his masters were dead, the war was over and - if the newspapers were not exaggerating - most of his enemies were now in Azkaban. I'm just a paranoid old man. Severus was seething, if this was how the rest of his life was supposed to be lived out: living in a shitty inn, stuck in a shitty body that was not his, begging for Hermione but too afraid to do anything, and paranoid; he wanted no part. He perhaps wouldn't do anything so deliberate as suicide, but it would be easy enough to take risks, throw caution to the wind, beckon his final destination closer to him. A sobering, delusional thought struck him. He had clearly been meant to die many times over by now and yet he was still here. Why? He so obviously didn't belong in this post-war world. Was he supposed to find joy, or – more likely – punishment?

Severus suddenly felt old. Older than he usually felt, his joints ached and he grew weary. How long had he been living on borrowed time? What fate ordained that live past his expiration date? Feeling suddenly unable to walk any further, Severus made a sharp turn towards the Leaky Cauldron, deciding to retire early. He would eat lunch and go hide in his room, at least able to relax without the glamour.

…

There was clearly something wrong with Severus – for she was certain it was him now – and she tailed him back to the Leaky, watched him nibble on lunch, then disappear up the stairs. Hermione returned home and distractedly dismissed Maeve. She waited a moment, her eyes locked on the sleeping Teddy, before sending a patronus to Remus, asking if he could stay a while when he came to pickup his son. She paced for ages, and when Remus came through the door he found her on the couch with her knees folded up to her chest and a cooled mug of tea clasped in her fingers as she stared blankly at the empty fireplace.

"Hermione?" Remus came around the couch and crouched in front of his friend, placing his hands around her ankles. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes turned to him slowly, becoming more in focus as they found his face. "I found him." She choked out.

Remus' eyes grew wide, "Hermione…" He sounded like he was about to apologise. "Is he…?"

"He's alive." Her voice was stronger. "But…" Her doubts clawed at her mind and her heart ached.

"But what? Where did you find him?"

"Remember that night at the Leaky and I went up to that man? He looked exactly like a glamour Severus used once. When he said he didn't know me, I thought I'd gone mad, but I've been watching him and I know it's Severus."

Remus was silent for a moment. "What do you want to do?"

Hermione shook her head. "I have to talk to him, but why would he say he didn't know me? Where's he been this whole time?"

After standing up and stretching his legs, Remus sat on the couch next to Hermione and she moved around to face him. "I can tell you're afraid, but fear is not good in a situation like this. If… if Nymphadora appeared after all this time, of course I'd be afraid and full of questions, but I couldn't just not go to her. Besides, we both know it's highly unlikely that Severus will come to you."

Hermione was surprised. Remus hadn't talked about Tonks in months. But in his usual fashion, Remus was full of sage wisdom and she smiled at him. "Perhaps Severus is afraid too."

Remus shrugged, "so one of you needs to be brave." He smiled knowingly, "and you're the Gryffindor in the relationship."

Hermione huffed out a laugh and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Thank you, Remus."

"Just remember, Hermione, whatever happens between you two, you'll always be my family."