I want to give my readers and everyone who is reviewing my profound gratitude, you guys give me the heart to keep going, and I am so lucky to have all of you behind this story. I especially want to thank ZoeyOlivia for being an avid reader and commenter on both of my stories so far, you are a star!
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CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR – …I WILL FIND YOU
Hermione critiqued herself in the mirror. It wasn't going to get much better than this. She was dressed nicely in the simplest set of robes Severus had bought for her all that time ago, a dark blue with some delicate embroidery around the wrist cuffs and neckline. Her hair was tamed back into a braid with the tail tucked up under the braid itself. She had applied light make up and found a nice little set of earrings in her jewelry box that matched the embroidery. She looked ready, but she didn't feel it. Her stomach churned and begged her not to do anything so rash as to leave this house. Remus poked his head around the door and smiled.
"You look incredible, Hermione."
She nodded anxiously.
"Hey," he approached her and draped an arm over her shoulders, meeting her eyes in the mirror, "you don't need to look perfect to meet him; he knows you already."
"I just…want to look my best."
Remus cocked his head at her, thoughtful. "It wouldn't convince him to talk to you if he doesn't want to, but Hermione, he wants to, I'm sure of it." Remus was certain of no such thing, part of him still doubted Severus was indeed alive, and he also didn't know exactly what the odd pair meant to each other. They had been through a lot, of that he understood, and he had heard the whispers back when everyone genuinely believed Hermione was a Thrall, but these things didn't add up to whatever had existed between Hermione and Severus. All Remus was absolutely convinced of was that she missed him so profoundly, that in the days after the war, her pain seemed to reach for his own, another similar beast. "It's time." Remus urged calmly.
Hermione nodded at him and threw her arms around Remus to give him a grand hug. She made her way downstairs, stopping to say a goodbye to Teddy because Hermione figured after this, regardless of what happened, nothing would ever be quite the same. Once outside, Hermione had the panicked thought that maybe she should walk all the way to the Leaky just to buy herself time. Instead, she straightened her shoulders and disapparated right in front of the tavern doors. The wood felt rough on her hands and the noises inside seemed too loud and made the place seem busier than it was. Hermione's eyes found the familiar yet strange man immediately. She stood in place a short while, watching his back as he ate and drank and tried to picture the lengthy black hair and impossibly black robes that surely were hidden underneath the glamour. She took a deep breath and crossed the room, sitting one stool down from him.
"Pine wood, phoenix feather core, ten and a half inches." Hermione mumbled just loud enough for him to hear it. She felt his eyes move to her, burning into the side of her face, but she did not look away from the wall opposite the bar. "This is what you looked like when you got that wand." Now she looked at him, the full force of her eyes piercing into his own. "It was Narcissa Malfoy's glamour."
"Hermione…" Her name was both a plea and a prayer. He moved towards her, completely abandoning his dinner. "Please, let me explain-"
Hermione held up her hand to stop him. "Is there somewhere we can talk as us?" She indicated his unnatural form with a nod. For a moment, Hermione thought he might deny her, or perhaps there was nowhere to go. He was just staring, his mouth slightly slack and yet somehow still tight.
Finally, he nodded. "There's erm… my room." He motioned towards the stairs awkwardly. Hermione nodded and got up from the barstool, Severus got up as well, leaving money for his dinner and leading Hermione up the rickety old stairs to the last door at the end of the hall. He paused before opening it, his fingers wrapping around the handle, and muttered something under his breath, before pulling the door wide and gesturing for Hermione to go through first. The room was what Hermione would have suspected a hotel room stayed in by Severus would look like. Despite the high number of windows, the shades mostly covered all of them, leaving the room in a low, eerie light. There were no personal affects to be seen, the bed was made, and a small lab could be seen tucked in the bathroom, obviously a tiny extension of his own devising.
Hermione turned to face him, not sure whether to sit or stand, if sitting on the bed was appropriate or if that window had been closed for them. The door was already shut and locked behind him. Severus cleared his throat uncomfortably and removed the glamour, revealing his full self, his true self. Hermione's breath got caught in her throat and a whirlwind of emotions choked her. He was absolutely real, right in front of her with his crow-black hair, imposing aura, and his all black clothes. She gasped out a tearful laugh, grateful he was the same.
"Hermione," again a plea and a prayer but everything about her name was different when it was said in his beautiful, sonorous voice. She didn't let him finish whatever he was about to say, launching herself forward and wrapping her arms around him. For a horrific, fearful second, Severus didn't move, didn't reciprocate, but then his arms were all around her, clinging to her in a vice grip, so tight it nearly hurt. Severus dropped his cheek to the top of her head and sighed while she pressed her nose to his chest and inhaled his scent.
"I was so afraid and lost." She mumbled into his buttons, "but I never gave up."
"Why did you take the necklace off, foolish girl."
"It was so cold all the time, it felt like it was sapping all the hope out of me."
Severus shoved her far enough from him to see her face properly. "I thought you were dead. I thought you-" he pulled up short, sucking in air, his eyes hardened. "I thought perhaps you had moved on." He said it coldly, as if he didn't quite care if she had or not.
"Never." Hermione gasped, moving her hand up to touch his face with her fingertips. "Where were you? I went back for you after but…" Hermione's head dropped and the fingers at his cheek curled into themselves. It broke his heart.
"The Malfoy's. For some unknown reason young Mr Malfoy decided I should live. I only left three weeks ago." There was something else in his voice, lightly scratchy, perhaps only noticeable if one knew his voice well.
Hermione's eyes flew to his flawless neck. "Take it off."
"Excuse me?"
"Take off the glamour."
"Hermione… I don't think I should."
"I need to know."
"You shouldn't, I don't want to give you another reason…"
"Another reason to what?"
Severus sucked in air and his eyes moved as if searching for something and then focused on her, unblinking. "To leave me." His tone was reserved, impatient, as if he were inconvenienced by someone else's troubles.
"I would never, and you know it." Her tone was firm and demanding.
Severus looked at her almost as if he were in pain before he cupped the left side of his neck with his hand. Hermione could see the silent spell work moving through his mind, his fathomless eyes pinning her to the spot. It seemed decades later when finally, extraordinarily slowly, Severus removed his hand from his throat. His arms hung limp at his sides, but his eyes were still fierce, daring her to come closer and daring her to leave. Hermione thought he might like to say I told you so, even though she knew it would hurt them both. Deliberately, as if dealing with a wild animal, Hermione released his gaze and let here eyes wander down the length of his nose, across his pinched lips, over his jawline to the scar. She didn't want to gasp, she didn't mean to, but the scar looked agonizing, even in its healed state.
The thing was an angry, pale pink and the inner most wounds shockingly paler than the man himself, a tangled web of lines that lead nowhere. Hermione reached up to touch it, a second of hesitation before her fingertips made contact with the rough skin. She delicately traced the lines and edges, completely in awe that the man before her was alive, much less able to speak. Her need to see the thing that nearly took Severus away from her forever sated, Hermione locked her eyes with his again. "Will you tell me everything?" She asked softly, her hand lowering to rest on his chest with the most gossamer of touches.
And so, Severus told her everything, that the pocket watch must've fallen out of his pocket during the attack and how Draco nearly didn't pick it up. He told her about the healer and his wife and their dearly paid secrecy, how Narcissa was nothing like she used to be (at least by Draco's account), and how war finally seemed to have matured the littlest Malfoy. He told her that the watch had been within reach once, but Draco kept it out of the way, and how he never knew if she survived or not, only that the right people had won. He told her about the pain and the poison and his delusional thoughts that he might never speak again. He told her about his rapid jailbreak when the healers gave him the all-good and that Draco was logical enough to shove some galleons in Severus' pockets before he took off. He told her how he haunted the Burrow, what used to be her parents house, even Grimmauld place and saw nothing of her. That finally he went to claim what was his from Gringott's (an awkward affair) and that he had been uselessly staying in the Leaky, figure out what was supposed to come after death.
"There are a lot of holes in your story."
He snorted at her and turned his face away from her where they had finally sat in the beat up and stained old chairs. "Forgive me for not-"
She raised her hand and cut off his snide remark. "Why didn't you owl? Or send a patronus? You just staked out places you'd thought I'd be but never actively tried to search for me? Why?"
He stared at her. "I… I genuinely don't know." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "At the Malfoy's I just couldn't for a long time and then I didn't want them to know I was contacting you."
"Why? Are you embarrassed of me?" Her tone was so matter of fact he wondered if she borrowed his own tactic.
"No, Merlin no, I didn't want to risk putting you in danger. Young Mr Malfoy may have saved my life but I don't know if his kindness would extend towards you. And Narcissa well…"
"Our victory destroyed her family. But what about after?" Severus clearly struggled to find an answer, and Hermione could see there was reason behind his foolishness. Emotional reason at least. "May I make a suggestion?" Severus waved his hand for her to continue. "If you couldn't find me during your stakeouts, there were two options: I had died, or I had moved on. To confirm either would have been excruciating, so not knowing, at least the truth was up to your imagination. Does that about do it?"
Severus glared at her dangerously, some defiant crossover between professor and Death Eater. "And how come you did nothing?" He snapped.
"I searched until I didn't know where else to look and then I kept searching. For all I knew I was looking for a rotting corpse, and where was I supposed to look besides Hogwarts? I tried the Malfoy's but I nearly splinched myself sixty different times trying to get passed the garden gate. And if you were alive, you were still wanted for months until Harry made your memories public-" Severus snarled but she ignored him, "was I supposed to put you in danger with a patronus or an owl?"
Severus decided Hermione was rather alluring when she was all worked up. He took a deep, steadying breath. "I suppose not." He mumbled quietly. There was a long awkward silence between them and not a sound could be heard but their breathing and their heartbeats in their own ears. "So, you didn't move on with…Lupin?" Severus sounded exhausted and Hermione felt horrible, wishing she could move into his lap and hold his head against her chest.
"No, maybe moved in with, in a sense, but that was just because of Teddy. Nothing ever happened between us, we were just two people who lost the loves of their lives to war." Realizing her words, Hermione turned scarlet and stood suddenly, crossing to a window and pulling the curtain back somewhat, trying to breath. More silence. And then abruptly Severus was right behind her so quick she wasn't certain he had walked at all. He was so close his robes moved against hers and his breath was ragged against her ear when he spoke.
"Is it true?"
Hermione thought she dare not face him but knew her own cowardice when it crossed her mind and defiantly turned around to look him in the eyes. She was startled at his intense proximity and staggered backward, but there was nowhere to go and the minute distance she closed between herself and the windowsill, Severus more than made up for in less than a single step. It seemed impossible that he was so close without actually touching her and his radiating warmth reminded her of that time in the alcove… their juices saturating each other's clothes and how Severus had boldly faced McGonagall, knowing she could see it.
"Yes," Hermione breathed, "and I have for a while."
Severus closed the distance between them, his eyes closing, relishing in the proximity of her body. "I think I have longer than you." She looked up at him questioningly. "After Potter escaped Hogwarts, Voldemort tortured you because I cared about you, truly cared and even he could see it where I could not." Severus pulled her against him and felt her shudder.
"I'm so sorry, Severus, I'm so sorry I didn't try harder." Hermione gasped against his chest, forcing back tears of relief, they were both alive and they were both together again.
Severus hushed her and ran his hand over her braid, squeezing her tighter. He was never, ever going to let her go. He understood it suddenly with a blinding rush of emotions, and that was the only clear thing that stood out; he was never going to let her go. And she was never going to leave him, she had already said it herself. His arms tightened around her body, happy to stay like this for the rest of their lives.