Hi guys! This is my first story so sorry if it's rough! I wanted to put a Trigger Warning so- TW: mentions of c*tting and s*lfharm- hope you enjoy the story!

She was laying in bed. It's all she seemed to be doing these days. She only went to the guild once a month a now, she had no motivation to leave her room. Currently, the lights were turned off and the air was thick with a heavy scent of desperation. She couldn't remember when it started happening but she does remember it was gradual at first, something small that she could ignore. Now it was definitely out of hand.

Slowly she walked towards the bathroom. Once inside she locked the door, she had already made the mistake of leaving it unlocked once. Natsu hadn't needed to see that. The look of horror and sadness on his face was enough for her to never make that mistake again. Her hands grabbed the jar with razor blades and she sat down on the floor. One, two, ...six,...ten. She stopped counting. The stinging sensation provided relief. She could still feel. She was still alive and she wasn't a ghost. Lucy watched the blood slowly drip out of her wrists. Her favorite color used to be blue but now it was red. Specifically blood red.

Once she had enough she cleaned and bandaged her wounds and went back to bed. Time passed (she couldn't tell you how long, time didn't seem to work like it used to before all this) before her window creaked open and a familiar mess of pink hair was standing before her.

"Hey Luce" he said as he sat down next to her on the bed.

"Hi Natsu"

"You should come to the guild today, everyone misses you" he came everyday, and everyday he tried to convince her to leave the room.

"I'm not feeling too well"

"You never feel well anymore"

"... I know"

There was a pregnant pause before Natsu said "I smell blood Lucy"

She didn't reply. They'd done this time and time again, but today it seemed different.

"I thought you promised that you'd stop? Don't you always keep your promises?" He was getting frustrated at this point and he was having a hard time hiding it. It had been 8 months. 8 months since this started. 8 months since his best friend went away and someone replaced her with this shell of a person. 5 months since he saw her smile genuinely. 3 months since she had gone on a mission with him. None of this was right and he was angry about it.

"Yes I do, which is why I promised that I'd try to stop. And I did try. I tried for a week". Her tone was flat as it always was now. She wished she could go back to how she used to be, or at least find a reason for why she was like this now, however try as she might she couldn't.

Natsu sighed, "Let me see." Lucy showed him her wrists and Natsu unwrapped the bandages. He ran his finger over her wrist and she flinched. He rewrapped her wrist and the silence hung over them before he said with a strained voice"... I hate this." Lucy didn't say anything. "I hate this so much. This isn't right, this isn't fair. I wish I was going through this instead of you."

Lucy's head immediately snapped in his direction and without hesitation said "I don't. I would never want you to go through this. Hell I don't even know what this is!" She took a breath, "I just know that if I didn't see your smile anymore I- I'd die." It was taking her so much effort to just continue the conversation. She was so tired and why for god's sake? She spent all day in bed so why the hell was she still tired.

Natsu grabbed her hands and looked her in the eyes. " And watching you like this is killing me Luce. It's absolutely killing me. Why do you even do this? Why would you do this to yourself?" He didn't clarify what this was. He didn't have to. She knew what he was talking about. The cuts.

"I don't know. Coping mechanism? Truth be told I-I'm not sure why I started." Her eyes were red and filled with tears she refused to let fall. It wasn't easy talking about the unknown and why she started whatever the hell this was, but she had to tell Natsu. She felt like she owed him that much considering how much pain she was putting him through.

He inhaled before he said "I need you to stop Luce, what if you slip? What if you go too deep? I can't have you leaving me Lucy. I can't lose you again. I-I don't know what'd happen to me if you weren't here anymore, if you weren't mine anymore." By the end of his talk he was fighting back sobs, the thought of Lucy dying being too much, of not being able to protect her again after seeing future Lucy die, and later on his real life Lucy dying.

"I'm not gonna die Natsu, I don't cut because I want to die. I do it to remember that I'm alive because sometimes I forget that I am. It's terrifying. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore!" She was flat out crying now. She was tired, her head felt heavy and she felt selfish, having dragged Natsu along this shitshow with her. Natsu enveloped her in an embrace, his own quiet tears falling down his face as he listened to her sob. After 8 months the dam had finally broken. He held her until her sobbing quieted and gently laid them both down on the bed.

"I wish I could fight your demons for you, I wish i could go inside your head and beat every single one of those bastards up," Lucy giggled at this and hearing her silent laugh, he smiled a sad smile. Damn had he missed that. "but I can't, so what we're gonna do is take a nap, and then you're gonna shower and then we're gonna go to the guild and eat." At this Lucy froze, terrified of the others seeing her like this, having fallen so high from grace.

"I'm not hungry." she mumbled.

"Bullshit, you don't eat unless I come by with food because you forget to." He practically snarled this, his patience running thin. "So you're gonna get sleep and later get dressed and you're going to stop pretending everything is fine because it's obvious you're not."

Lucy didn't do anything until she moved closer to cuddle with Natsu, her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I'm sorry" she said so quietly that if Natsu didn't have his enhanced hearing he doubted he would've been able to hear her.

"There's no need to apologize, get some rest." He kissed her forehead and wrapped his arms around her tighter, absolutely refusing to let go.

Lucy listened to the strong rhythm of his heart, grateful that Natsu was there as it was the only thing that could keep her nightmares away as they were so often filled with death, blood and drowning. And Natsu knew, because Lucy talked in her sleep, but he was happy being there and holding her, as much as it broke his heart. As sleep consumed them they knew, things would get better, they didn't know when or how long it would take but they knew, because things had to get better. And they would.

Thanks for reading! Like I said this is my first story so if you have any constructive criticism it's totally welcome! Feel free to leave a review if you did or didn't like it. I look forward to writing more and I hope this wasn't too bad :)