Dancing on the Edge of Fairy Tale
I always knew that someday it would happen, that she would ask about the only thing I want to hide from her.
But why so soon?
It's late in the evening and I'm putting Liliane to sleep – I do not know why, but she always prefers when I am the one to do it, not Christine. She is already lying in the bed with her favourite doll in her hand and then, looking at me, she asks that seemingly innocent question.
''Dad? How did you meet mom?''
I knew it was inevitable, that I couldn't run from it forever. I really knew.
But I was still not ready for it.
''I ...'' I start, but next words don't come out.
How can I tell her about the sound of whip piercing the air, the darkness of the underground, the despair so deep that it doesn't allow you to breathe, about lies, jealousy, about the blood that forever stains my hands?
She's so young... In her eyes the world is still full of beauty and good, she doesn't see the shadows it hides. Am I really supposed to destroy it all? Lead her into this darkness and forever sully this childish innocence?
How can I do this to her?
But I know in my heart that this isn't the only reason. The truth is, that I'm selfish... and terrified. I don't want her to know what I've done. Christine could forgive me; I still don't know how, but... how will it be with Liliane? So many times already in the eyes of others I have only seen fear and hatred... I would not survive if my own daughter looked at me like that, if I became one of the monsters haunting her nightmares. And...
''Dad?'' A quiet, child's voice pulls me from my stupor.
I look into Liliane's eyes, so similar to mine. What do they see now on my face? How long have I been silent?
"I ... I'm sorry, darling, I was just... lost in thoughts for a moment," I say, hoping she can't hear the tremor in my voice.
''Is everything alright?'' she asks with a heartbreaking concern.
No, honey, nothing is.
''Yes, of course. It's nothing,'' I answer, forcing myself to smile.
She looks at me for a moment, frowning slightly – she is not convinced. Clever girl.
But the unanswered question still hangs in the air and I have to do something about it. And I think I know what.
I slowly sit down on the edge of her bed.
''Let me tell you a story,'' I start slowly. ''Once upon a time, in a far away village at the edge of a large, old forest, a boy came into the world. However, he wasn't like others. He was... well, he was just different. That was the reason for his suffering.
''But, but why? I don't understand. Is it so bad to be different, Dad?''
I sigh. It won't be easy.
''Many people think so. Some, like your mother, have learned not to pay attention to it. As for the rest... the rest is afraid of what is different, they hate all imperfections in their faultless world, every crack in their ideal image of reality...''
Building cages is easier than understanding.
''That's stupid! No one should behave this way!'' Liliane calls out with righteous indignation of a child, crossing her arms over her chest. ''I don't like such people...''
''Me neither, little one, me neither...'' I whisper, trying with all my strength not to hear the sound of a whip hitting the flesh.
I gently brush aside the lock of hair that fell over her eyes. For children, everything is so simple and obvious, they clearly see the line between black and white. I regret that we can't do the same. Everything would be easier if we were looking at reality in the same way.
I clear my throat.
''But let's get back to our story, shall we?'' I smile. ''Time passed, and with each new day, the boy became more and more convinced that he wasn't welcome among other people. In his life, he repeatedly heard various stories about the old, probably enchanted forest on the edge of which he lived. He wondered what might be waiting for him there. Since he couldn't find happiness here, maybe it would be possible there? Maybe it would be better there? No matter how hard he tried, the boy couldn't get those thoughts out of his mind. Against himself, more and more often he approached the tree line, more and more often he looked into the face of unknown, listened to the quiet whisper of the wind dancing among the ancient branches and dreamed of another life. In the end, he couldn't stand it. One evening, when nobody was watching, he sneaked out of the house and escaped to the green wood. At first... he felt wonderful. He relished in newly acquired freedom, admired everything he encountered, even the smallest leaf seemed to him a work of art. He was happy.''
I simplify the facts, I try as hard as I can to find simple words that will allow to express things that are too difficult to say aloud, words that will allow her to understand.
''But just as everything else, this sweet moment also didn't last forever. The last rays of light disappeared, leaving the boy in the darkness, and he had nothing to light his way. The cool breeze, which just a moment ago seemed so pleasant and encouraged him with its gentle hum to venture even deeper into the forest, now has become icy cold. However, although he was trembling, the boy had neither a coat nor a blanket to cover himself with. Soon he also felt hunger, but he didn't have any food to satisfy his appetite. So, stumbling and falling every now and then, he groped in the dark, and the protruding branches kept hurting his body. But that's not all... Soon he heard the wolves howling behind his back.''
Hands that could only hurt, smiles, too wide, too false, full of inadequately hidden cruelty, eyes constantly searching for the shine of coins... yes... let them be animals. Why not?
''They chased him. Terrified, he rushed to escape without looking back. He didn't have the courage to do it. However, running blindly forward, he didn't notice a deep hole in the ground and fell into it. He got trapped there.''
This isn't a truth. Nothing I say to her is. But this isn't a lie either. It's something different, something in between. It's a fairy tale.
''He didn't know how long he was there, in vain trying to climb back up. He could see the eyes of wild animals watching his every move. They drove him exactly where they wanted to. He was wounded, hungry, alone... and completely at their mercy. And then, when he lost all hope, a miracle happened. Someone saved him.''
''Who? Who was it?'' Liliane can't help but ask.
''It was a sorceress living in the forest. She saw the boy's misery and showed him sympathy. She helped him to get out of his prison, dressed and fed him. Then she led him further to the very heart of the wood. There, mostly swallowed up by the forest, were ruins so old that no one seemed to remember anymore where they came from. In the middle of one of the halls, now more reminiscent of a clearing, there was a mirror in a golden frame. Although everything around was ancient and ruined, it seemed completely new, there was not a single scratch on it. Because you see, it was not an ordinary mirror, but an enchanted one.''
''What did you do, Dad?''
''If you knew how to open it, you could access the magically hidden part of the palace which once stood there. It was an untouched by time, separated fragment of reality that could not be reached in any other way. The sorceress showed the boy how to use the mirror and from that moment this place was his home. Time passed and the boy became a man. Throughout that time, he almost never left his refuge, preferring to stay away from the dark and unfeeling world. So he stayed on the other side of the mirror, sinking more and more into solitude... However, one day everything changed.''
A piece by piece, I'm sneaking my own story into the world of the tale. I dance on the edge of fairy tale and reality, combining them into one. I skip the worst fragments, replacing the darkness with light.
''A young fairy stumbled upon the ruins by accident, when collecting flowers, she separated from her companions. Her sweet song reached even the man behind the mirror. Enchanted by this unearthly voice, he went to the mirror to see who it belonged to. When he saw the fairy... there were no words to describe what he felt. Beautiful and joyful, she seemed to him the embodiment of everything that was good. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He wanted nothing more than to go out to her, join her in the warm rays of the sunlight, but... all his life he was only met with contempt and rejection from everyone, how he could expect anything more from such a wonderful creature when even ordinary people didn't want to have nothing to do with him? So he did something else: he spoke to her from behind the mirror, pretending to be the spirit trapped inside it. She believed him right away. What's more, from that day on, she regularly visited him to keep him company, and with each visit she brought a bit of happiness to the heart of a lonely man, who at the same time struggled more and more to keep secret not only his real identity, but also feelings...''
''Feelings... So he was in love with her!'' Liliane smiles broadly.
My daughter is evidently delighted with newly introduced love story... I wonder if she would react in the same way knowing everything that I'm trying so hard to hide from her...
''Yes, darling, he was. She... awakened something new in him, something he ''hadn't'' know before. The loneliness which he grew so accustomed to, which at times seemed to him almost a blessing, was now only a burden. And that's why he finally decided to tell her the truth and reveal himself. During the next visit, he came out to meet her. However... the fairy was frightened by the sight of an unknown person and fled screaming when she saw him. She ran straight into the arms of a handsome hunter who came across this place during his chase. The young huntsman was also captivated by the fairy at first sight. He immediately fell to his knees, begging her to come to his house with him. The fairy at first hesitated, but being impressed by the beauty and devotion of the hunter, she agreed, but on the condition that he would give her one more day to think about it. The young man immediately agreed to this and rode away, promising that he would be waiting for her in the same place tomorrow. None of them knew they were being watched...''
''The man from behind the mirror saw them?''
''Yes. His heart was broken. He didn't want to lose this wonderful creature who meant so much to him,'' I say quietly, knowing that I am approaching the worst part, which I hope to omit as much as I can. ''In the act of anger and desperation he caught the fairy and took the fairy with him to the other side of the mirror, where she would stay with him forever. As you can imagine, when the young hunter returned for her, he found no one. He searched and searched, but the fairy was nowhere to be found. He was about to give up when a sorceress, the same one that had once saved the boy, stood before him. She knew about everything and wasn't happy. The mirror was to serve as a shelter, not a prison. So she showed the huntsman a magical passage so that he could reach the kidnapped fairy. The brave hunter rushed to the rescue without thinking. However, once he was on the other side of the mirror, he didn't get too far. How could he? He had no chance against a man who had spent many years here and knew all the secrets of this place. Therefore, the young man soon found himself in chains, completely defenseless and on someone else's mercy.''
Lilian holds her breath in horror, waiting for my next words. Such a small reaction... why does it hurt so much?
I force myself to continue.
''The poor fairy looked with horror at the man she once considered a friendly spirit, and which now made her face a cruel choice. She could either stay with him until the end of her days, freeing the hunter, or she could free herself, but she would sentencethe hunter to an eternal prison. Although she wanted freedom, she could not condemn an innocent huntsman to such a fate. For her, the choice was obvious.''
''She agreed to stay?'' my daughter asks in a barely audible whisper.
"Yes, and she sealed her promise with a kiss. You know... you know that it was the first time when someone kissed him? It moved him deeply.'' Speaking becomes more and more difficult, but I have to finish the story. I have to. "Crying, the man... let them go. The hunter left without thinking. But the fairy... the fairy girl remembered all the pleasant moments spent with her 'ghost'.''
''What did she do? What did she do?!''
For the first time since I started telling this story, I look directly into my daughter's eyes.
''She left that place, but not alone. Together with the man for the last time they went through the mirror and left the ruins forever to find happiness somewhere else together...''
''And they lived long and happily?'' Liliane asks with hope.
''Very long and very happily, darling.''
''That's good. I like a happy eeeeeendings...'' she answers, yawning.
I smile, looking at this little creature who is the best proof that at least the last sentence was a sincere truth.
''I see that someone here clearly has enough. It seems to me that you should be already sleeping.''
Liliane nods slowly.
''Good night, Dad...'' she says in a sleepy voice.
''Sweet dreams, little one'' I whisper, kissing her on the forehead.
I get up, take a candle from the bedside table and slowly leave the room, heading to bed myself as well.
Funny thing – I always thought that fairy tales, all 'once upon a time' were simply sweet wishes of naive fools, dreaming of a better tomorrow. Now I see that I was wrong. I finally understand. This wasn't the purpose of their creation. For behind the sweetness there's deeply hidden dose of bitterness, behind the light, darkness, and behind the fairies and sorceresses, horrors that we would rather forget about, things that we would rather have left unsaid. It's a way to hide the painful truth that we don't want to face. It's an illusion that allows us to hide the cruelty of the world... and our own sins. The moment of oblivion that each of us sometimes needs.
I reach the bedroom. In bed I see the silhouette of sleeping Christine. She must have fall asleep waiting for me. I put out the candle and slip quietly into the bed.
I embrace my sleeping wife and in that moment, feeling the warmth of her body, the touch of her soft, smelling of jasmine hair, hearing her regular breath, at least for a while, I don't want to worry about the past or the future.
''I love you, my fairy,'' I whisper, stroking her visibly rounded belly.
I close my eyes.
I know that a moment will come when I will be no longer able to hide behind stories and I will have to tell my daughter the whole truth. Everything. No exceptions and no mitigations. One day I will be ready – I will stop running away from her questions and I will face them instead.
But it will be some other time. Not today, not now. I still have time.
The next evening, I will tell her another fairy tale.