Wesley was sitting there on the Titan watching Josh go out, his heart pounding.

'Please be OK.' he thought.

So they pushed Josh and he wasn't ready. They thought they could do it, they thought they could do anything.

Then he lost him.

His eyes watering after losing his friend and boyfriend.

He put his hand on his stomach.

Nobody knew about their relationship aside from their friendship. They decided to keep it quiet. Not even his Enterprise family knew.

There's one thing that nobody, not even Josh knows. Wesley Crusher was nine weeks pregnant.

Then he woke up panting with his hand on his stomach and his eyes watering with tears coming down. It had been nine years since that happened and the day of now Captain Riker's wedding.

He had decided to go back to Starfleet and was going to work with Captain Riker on the Titan.

After finding that out he now has nightmares of what happened like before. He would cry often and tried to hide it.

There's one more thing he started doing after that accident and still does it often, cuts himself. He has been doing it more often after finding out he was going to be on the Titan.

He looked at the clock and saw that he would have to get up in an hour so he decided to get up and ready for the wedding.

He had been staying with Riker and Deanna for right now to make it a little easier to get to the wedding.

While he got changed he winced and hissed. He had gotten himself deep last night and was a little nervous that it was going to open during the wedding and people will see blood then figure it out. Especially his mom being a mother and doctor.

'They won't see it. If it opens I'll just wrap it.' a part of him thought.

When he was all dressed and ready he had some breakfast and looked at a picture of him and Josh. He shut his eyes while a few tears started to come down.

While he did that Riker walked past his room and heard him sniffle.

'Is he crying again?' he wondered.

Deanna had felt his emotions of sadness, loneliness, guilt and anger since the accident. Even when he was on the Enterprise for school vacation. She had told everyone about that but they all kept it quiet.

Later at the wedding Riker was standing next to Deanna with Picard and Beverly on his other side looking at Wesley.

"I've seen his eyes watering and heard him crying at night and this morning. I don't know why they put him on this. It's the ship that it happened a few years ago." Riker said while they watched Wesley sitting there in silence thinking.

"I've been wondering that to." Picard said.

"What I'm also wondering is if he and Josh had more then a friendship."

"I was thinking the same thing." Beverly said seeing herself after Jack was killed.

It was Wesley that prevented her from using suicide to be with him again. Wesley had been a strong boy for her even though he was upset and only five.

A few minutes later Wesley came to visit them fake smiling in his Starfleet suit.

He noticed his cut opened earlier so he wrapped it around and saw just a little blood on his uniform. But enough for only him to see.

"Mom, Captain." Wesley said.

"Hello, Wesley," Picard said easily. "It's good to see you back in uniform."

"Suits him, doesn't it?" Beverly said.

She was suddenly incandescent with pride; Picard tried to imagine what it would have been like to raise a child, then finally see him one day grown and in uniform, and felt the stirrings of wistful jealousy. There were many paths he had chosen not to take in his life—children included—and Beverly's proximity served to remind him of other lost opportunities.

Nevertheless, he returned Wesley's grin. "Are you looking forward to serving on the Titan?"

Lieutenant Crusher's words sounded uneasy and fake.

"Very much. I have the night duty shift in engineering, we have a double-refracting warp core matrix with twin inter-mix chambers that-" He stopped abruptly having a little trouble while he saw what happened.

While that happened Picard and Beverly had Riker get his attention and see what happens.

"Wesley?" Riker said.

He jumped a little for a second and looked at him.

"Yes sir?"

"I noticed your crying at night and when you think you're alone. I was wondering if you had something going on with Josh Albert at the Academy."

He froze and had pictures of their relationship causing him to feel tears coming down a little and wiped them quickly.

"Wesley?" Beverly said gently. "Was there a relationship between you two? More then friendship?"

'Just admit it to them. Their your family. And former and future Captain.' he thought.

"Y-yes. Nobody knew about it though. I know it's common for relationships like ours but we didn't want anyone to know and have him getting attention like I did. Everyone knew I was on the Enterprise and would ask what it was like, what would I do and stuff like that, some people were jealous that I was ensign Crusher my whole time there. When we started going out we didn't want him to get attention either. We were thinking about doing it though to make it easier but after that happened, we never got the chance." he explained with tears coming out.

Beverly gave him a hug.

"There's one more thing. I didn't tell anyone."

"What is it Wes?" she asked rubbing his back.

"I, I was nine weeks pregnant!" he said shocking everyone while he cried harder.

"You had a miscarriage didn't you?" Beverly said.

He nodded.

She held him close while he got what he had had in him for nine years out.

"I had one with your father a year before we had you."

"Really?" Riker said and she nodded.

"We were going to have Jean-Luc godfather actually."

That shocked him.

"You would want me to be a godfather?" he said.

She nodded.

"Jack brought it up and I agreed. He chose godfather and I chose godmother."

"Sounds fair."

"A week later I had a miscarriage."

"I'm so sorry Beverly." Picard said. "And Wesley, I'm so sorry. After everything you've done for us you deserve a family."

He nodded when he calmed down.

Then he turned around and froze to see Sito, Jean and even Nick were there looking at them confused.

He could see guilt in the three of their faces. Nick the most. They knew Wesley and Josh were close, they just didn't know they were that close and never will.

All he did was nod and they nodded back.

A few days later Wesley had found out about the mission the Enterprise was on and thought about asking to join them for one last mission before he joined the Titan and to remind himself of what happens. But he decided not to.

He was at home and having lunch. He was tired after being up crying and cutting himself again the day Riker and Deanna got married to last night.

His eyes were still red from it. He tried to take a nap an hour ago but would only see what happened again.

He stopped eating for a few minutes and sat there quietly.

Then he sighed and tried to think of something else.