Holding on and Letting Go

Chapter 4

No matter how many times Damon had done it, waking up as a human was an entirely new experience all together. He would never get used to the crust that formed in his eyes or how groggy he felt when he woke up no matter how long he slept, but something he could get used to was waking up next to Elena Gilbert every morning.

"Morning." He spoke sleepily towards her wanting nothing more than to pull her closer as her eyelashes fluttered open and she gave him a half smile of her own. He knew it was more than he deserved, but he was grateful for it no matter what.

"Morning." She breathed, her brown eyes boring into his.

Not sure what to do next, Damon sat up in the bed throwing the covers off his body as Elena watched him get dressed not saying a word. He wished she would say something. He wasn't sure what exactly to do now.

"Did you want some breakfast? I'm sure Caroline and Bonnie are already up, and I know I can make a mean batch of pancakes."

"Yeah, breakfast sounds nice. Did you want to grab a quick shower first?"

"Sure. If that's okay with you I mean."

"Of course, it is. But we should get a move on, from what I know we have a pretty busy day ahead of us."

Nodding Damon followed Elena watching her shed her clothes as he looked at the starkness of her skin sighing.

"Do you think that I'll ever get the color back to my skin?"

Damon looked at her questioningly as she looked at him. "I mean after years of being asleep, my skin hasn't seen much sunlight. We should go do something today. Get our mind off everything."

"I'm-I'm not sure Elena. It might not be the best idea with everything going on."

"Damon, you can talk to me. What's going on inside that head of yours?"

"I-I'm not sure how to put it into words."

"Alright. How about we take our shower and see how today goes?"

Nodding, Damon shed off his clothes stepping into the shower where Elena stood watering her hair as Damon grabbed the shampoo.

"May I?" he asked as Elena nodded before he worked the shampoo in her hair loving how soft it felt in between his fingers.

"That feels nice. You know ever since I woke up from my sleeping beauty coma, I tend to appreciate the little things more often now."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"Like when you kiss me, it feels almost…" She planted a gentle kiss on his lips before pulling away and settling on a word that fit. "Magical."

"I can see that, yeah." Damon smiled as he kissed her again. "What else feels magical?"

"My fingers on your skin." She replied gently stroking her fingers on his skin.

"That feels nice."

"Does this feel nice?" she asked running her fingers lower.

"Elena-"he whispered feeling as if something was off.

"What's wrong?"

I-I can't do this." He said as he hoped out of the shower needing to be anywhere but here.

Putting his head between his hands, Damon took a deep breath in and out trying to slow it before he was overcome with grief yet again. He wished Stefan were here. Why the hell had he saved him if he was just going to be an inconsolable mess?

"Damon?" Elena asked approaching him as slow as possible as if one wrong move would send him running for the hills.

"I can't be the man you need Elena. Not when the only person who was keeping me in check is dead."

"I know it's hard. It's okay not to be strong all the time. You can cry if you need to. It's just us here. Just us." She spoke gently.

"He should be here Elena. For fucks sake, he had a wife whose children adored him. He was going to have a real life for himself and I ruined that. Just like I always do."

"Katherine ruined that Damon. Her actions had nothing to do with you. Stefan died because of her."

"Why won't you ever let me blame myself? Just for once I would like to take responsibility for my own actions without you finding someone else to blame. Why do you always do that? I don't deserve it."

"Because this guilt will eat you alive."

"It already has! Don't you get that! All I want to do is blame myself. I want to drink myself to the point where there's none of me left. I want to turn it off in the only way I can, because I'm not a damn vampire anymore and I've never had to deal with something this painful. I have to live with the damn fact that my brother died saving my ass from the evil bitch I always decided to piss off, because of some damn fight that didn't matter in the first place. And on top of that I have to deal with the fact, that I'll never see my brother again, not even in the afterlife because that's not what I deserve after all the shit I've done. I'll never see him again Elena. I can't imagine a worse way to live." Damon sobbed the tears falling in streams as he couldn't stop them. What the hell was wrong with him?

Elena sat down on the bed next to him pulling him close to her as he rested his head on her chest feeling the warmth of her body and the softness of her skin. She felt so alive even in the face of death.

Tears continued to fall from his eyes sliding down his cheeks and down to her breast. He had no real clue how long they stayed like this, both mourning their loss for Stefan, but he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wasn't going anywhere and neither was he.

"Elena." He whispered as he pulled away from her. Tears both filled their eyes as a silent need passed through them before their lips collided and they fell back onto the bed finding comfort in each other the best way they knew how.