So sorry for the horrible long delay in writing. I do promise to end this story – I never leave stories unfinished – it is simply taking longer than planned because of life issues.
Reviews are greatlyand will make me update faster – I promise.
For the first few days after moving back to his apartment he felt a combination of relief, loneliness and fear. It was a relief not to have his father or the others constantly following him around. At the same time, he jumped at every sound and got even jumpier when things were quiet. Strangely too, he felt a loneliness he couldn't remember feeling, at least not since his parents split up.
It bothered him that he couldn't quite decide if he wanted to be alone or if he wanted to have his friends and family around him. He spent more time then he cared to admit picking up his phone and putting back down, wanting to call Dad or Gus or Juliet, hell, even sometimes Lassiter, and then changing his mind at the last minute. What kept him from doing it was guilt; guilt at the fact that he'd taken up too much of their time, that he didn't deserve their devotion and that he didn't bring anything to their lives.
So, he continued to stay alone in his apartment and go to his therapy sessions, even though he wondered if they were really doing anything. He was bothered by the fact that his overall weakness remained and his limp weren't getting any better, at least not that he could tell. His therapist told him to have patience at which point he'd almost laughed. Shawn Spencer patient? He didn't do patience. Never had and probably never would.
He sat staring at the blank TV screen, tired after another therapy session and not sure what to do or what to think and definitely not what to feel. He was not as depressed as he had been, at least he didn't think so, but he still felt aimless and, if he were honest with himself, totally useless.
He knew Gus wanted to get Psych started again and had even tried to talk to him about it on a few occasions. He couldn't do it – either talk about it or actually return to the job. Nope. Psych was finished and it was about time he started looking for something else. He'd been forced to start growing up so he might as well finish the job.
And then there was the fact that he had to stop being a drain on the lives of his family and friends. He needed to get out of Gus's way so that his friend could really accomplish something with his life. He needed to make his father proud, or at least try, and he needed to let the thought of any kind of life with Juliet go. She deserved someone special, someone mature who could give her a good life. As for the others, Lassiter and Bud and the Chief and all the others at the precinct well, they'd soon forget him and move on with their lives and their jobs as police officers.
At that moment he made up his mind. Things had to change. His life had to change. He could no longer expect others to be there for him whenever he wanted or needed them. Nope. He had to start getting by on his own two feet, his own two adult feet. He forced himself to stand, although it was still a difficult and awkward process and walked over and grabbed his laptop and sat down at the table. With a sigh he opened it up and signed onto the internet. There had to be something in this world he could do.
"Gus, have you spoken to Shawn lately?" Gus was driving his route, about to visit a new clinic that had just opened. If he could add it to his client list it could substantially increase his sales.
"Uh – Mr. Spencer?" He turned the corner, watching closely for the clinic building.
"Yeah. Have you spoken to Shawn?"
"Shawn?" he frowned, trying to concentrate on what the older Spencer was saying. "Uh no, not since Tuesday. He said he was going over to your place to clear some things out."
"Over to my place? He hasn't been here in days. Are you sure that's what he said?"
Suddenly Gus was worried, the thought of new business fading to the background. "Yeah, definitely. I remember because he asked if I wanted to help. I told him I was busy at work. You didn't see him?"
"No, not since he was here for dinner on Sunday. You haven't spoken to him at all?"
"No. Look, I'll run over to Shawn's right now. He's probably watching TV or something."
"Okay, thanks Gus." Henry's voice still sounded tense but he was clearly trying not to panic, at least not yet. "Call me as soon as you get there."
"I will." After Gus clicked off his phone he cursed. Why the hell hadn't he checked up on his friend before now? It was because he figured Henry was doing it and he'd been busy catching up on his route. The last few months he'd fallen behind after trying to be there for Shawn and he'd felt like he needed a bit of time away from his friend. He cursed again. What the hell had he been thinking? Shawn needed him, now more than ever.
He'd continued to be worried at how his best friend was doing. Outwardly he seemed better, although frankly Gus didn't believe it. He suspected that Shawn was pretending just to make everyone else feel better. That this wasn't a particularly Shawn-like thing to do Gus realized. But he also knew that the experience with Farris had changed the young man, most likely permanently.
There was a seriousness to Shawn, a melancholy that hadn't been there before. Even during the worst moments of his friend's life, his parents divorce, his estrangement from his father, his break-up with Abigail, he'd maintained an essential joy of life, a belief that the world had something good to offer him. Gus was pretty sure Shawn had lost that belief.
And now his friend seemed to have disappeared. God, he'd never forgive himself if something had happened when he should have been there for him.
Gus swung into the small parking lot and immediately hurried up to his best friend's apartment. He knocked but barely waited more than a few seconds before he had his key out and the door open.
The apartment was clean, surprisingly so. It's not that Shawn was a slob – far from it – but usually there was a bit of clutter. Now it looked as if a maid, or Henry, had been by to clean.
"Shawn?" he called, already sure that no one was there. He checked both the bedroom and bathroom but there was no sign of his friend. He also checked to make sure there was no evidence of violence. There was none, but that fact didn't stop his rising sense of panic. He slowly turned, taking in everything he could, but there was nothing to indicate where Shawn had gone, or why.
Damn! He lifted his phone and dialed Henry Spencer. The man was going to go ballistic. Gus was aware that the older man had been worried sick about his son and would blame himself if something had happened to Shawn.
"Hello Mr. Spencer, it's Gus."
"Gus, is he there?"
"No, there's no one here. I'm sure he's just out somewhere. I mean, there's no sign that there's anything wrong – everything looks fine."
"God damn it!" exploded Henry. "I knew it. I should never have let him leave."
There was no way in hell Gus was going to tell Henry he couldn't really have stopped Shawn from leaving. If there was one thing he knew about his childhood friend is that there was no one more determined, more obstinate that Shawn Spencer. He might mask it in jokes and silliness, but he knew how to get what he wanted and to do what he wanted.
"I'm sure he's okay Mr. Spencer", Gus soothed, although he didn't really believe his own words. Something had happened to Shawn, he was sure of it.
"Stay there Gus", Henry commanded. "I'll be there in a few minutes." He clicked off before Gus had a chance to reply.
Gus put the phone in his pocket and looked around once more. This time he noticed something he hadn't seen before. There was a pad of paper sitting on the table. He walked over to it to take a look. Within seconds he was frowning.
"What the hell?" he muttered. He couldn't quite figure out what he was looking at. It reminded him of some of the notes Shawn would make when he was on a case, but since they didn't have any cases right now, that couldn't be it.
After a few seconds contemplation Gus realized that some of the names were familiar. They were colleges. Below those were other names and addresses, although he had no idea to what they referred.
"Why do you have the names of colleges Shawn?" he wondered out loud. After a second he nodded his head. "Must be to do with Farris." He studied the notes for a few more seconds and then put them down. Henry might have a better idea if they were important or were related to his son's disappearance.
God, he wished Shawn was here. Gus knew he didn't have the ability to look at something and instantly figure it out like Shawn did. Granted, Shawn's first guesses were often wrong, but eventually he'd get to the correct answer. Gus would give anything, at this moment, to have that skill.
At that moment he heard a key in the lock. He felt a brief moment of dread until he realized that it had to be Henry. Shawn must have given his father a key to his place.
"Shawn!" He stood slowly, his eyes on his friend – his friend who was slightly damp and was still limping, but otherwise seemed okay. "What are you doing here?"
Shawn stopped, frozen, in his doorway. His face had no expression, although anyone looking closely would have seen the terror in his eyes. He took a deep, although very shaky breath, and after a second let it out. "Gus."
"Don't Gus me! Where the hell have you been?"
Shawn frowned and slowly limped forward. He looked – and felt – exhausted. His heart was also beating a mile a minute. When he'd opened the door and realized someone was in his home he'd thought, for an instant, that Farris was back. He was just grateful that he hadn't humiliated himself by screaming, or even worse, fainting.
Getting his equilibrium back – slightly – he kept moving. Today had been the longest he'd gone since his rescue without resting. That, and the reaction from the momentary terror made him feel like he was ready to collapse. Not wanting to look too obvious he made his way slowly to the couch. He wanted to flop down on it, but knew that would lead to even more pain, so instead he lowered himself slowly.
"I've been out. What are you doing in my apartment?"
"Out? Out? How can you just sit there and say you've been out?"
"Uh, because I have been? Gus, what the hell is going on?"
"First tell me where you were?"
Shawn instantly looked suspicious. Gus's eyes narrowed. If this had been a few month's ago – pre Farris, he would have suspected his friend of getting up to something that could, and probably would, get them into trouble. Now however, he didn't know what to think. That Shawn was hiding something was obvious but he couldn't figure out what it could possibly be.
"I just went out to grab a bite to eat dude", Shawn answered sharply, leaning his head on the back of the couch and closing his eyes. "Now would you please tell me why you're in my apartment?"
"I thought something had -"
"Shawn!" Henry's voice cut through Gus's explanation as the man in question hurled through the front door. "What the hell? Where have you been?"
Shawn slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head, looking both tired and pale. But the other two men didn't seem to even notice, looking instead as if they were ready to strangle him. "Like I told Gus, I just went out for a bite to eat. Can I ask why you two are here? Can't a man go to Chico's Taco Heaven for a bite to eat without his friend and his father breaking into his home?"
"Don't be an idiot Shawn", his father exclaimed. "Neither of us could get a hold of you and we haven't seen you for days. We were worried."
Sean frowned and took a deep breath. He really didn't know how much longer he could go on the way he was or with the way they were. "I've been here so I don't know why you say you couldn't get a hold of me. I didn't go anywhere, other than to therapy and to get food a couple of times." It was a lie. He had gone somewhere else, but they didn't need to know that. He looked at Gus, who was standing staring at the floor and looking uncomfortable.. "Did you try calling me buddy?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.
"Uh no", Gus answered, his voice throbbing with guilt. "I've been really busy trying to catch up on my work. I thought your father was checking up on you."
"Look", Shawn was starting to get angry, although all he did was sigh. "I don't need either of you to check up on me. I'm a grown man and perfectly capable of looking after myself."
"Right", his father snorted. "A grown man? Maybe, although most of the time you act like a child. All you had to do was answer my call, or give me a call. You knew I worried."
It was at that moment that Shawn realized he'd done the right thing. This had to stop. He looked up at his father, knowing that at one time – before - he would have objected to his father's words about being a child, but now he knew they were true. He also knew he had to change things. So, instead of objecting, he took a deep breath.
"Sorry", he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "I've been sleeping a lot so probably missed the calls, but I'm fine. You don't need to worry anymore Dad."
"What about Farris?" his father pointed out, somewhat brutally Shawn thought. "He's still out there kiddo, and until he's caught you're not safe."
Great! Like he needed that reminder. Suddenly he could feel his heart speed up again and his shoulders tense. He hated this. "I know", he said softly, "but you can't follow me around 24 hours a day. I'm being careful so please, stop worrying and let me – let me deal with things my way."
His father let out a long-suffering sigh and moved into the apartment. "I don't suppose you've eaten anything healthy for days." He walked over to the kitchen and began opening doors and drawers. "Just like I thought, you don't have anything that's healthy in here. You have to stop eating like you were a teenager Shawn. You're getting older and you need to pay attention to your health."
Shawn slowly allowed his eyes to close, the nagging from his father an old familiar, and strangely comfortable song. He could feel Gus's usual, trustworthy presence. He let his mind drift and tried to relax. Yup, he'd made the right decision.
The next day he got everything in order and by five o'clock had things ready to go. He'd given notice on his apartment – which was fortunately month-to-month rather than a lease, had packed up his personal belongings and had hired two guys to cart the boxes and his furniture to a storage unit. After that he'd sat down and written a bunch of letters on his laptop.
He knew he should talk to them, tell them his plans, but he also knew he couldn't. They'd give him no end of reasons why he shouldn't be doing this. His father would get angry, Gus would whine and beg and Jules would cry (at least he hoped she would). Lassy would probably say something like 'good riddance' but inside he'd be devastated. "He'll probably pine for weeks", Shawn murmured. No, there was no way he could tell them to their faces.
He forwarded the letters to the 24 hour Copy All and then took one last look around the place. There was nothing left and it didn't really matter. This hadn't really been home, just a place to come back to and sleep. No, his home was his Dad and Gus and – the others. But now it was time to leave home and grow up.
He turned out the lights and locked the door behind him. Getting on his motorcycle, nothing but a duffle bag strapped to the back, he quickly drove to the store. Once there he printed the letters, sealed them in envelopes and addressed them to the right people. Popping them all into the mailbox outside the store he again mounted his motorcycle and took off to start his new life.