A Chat At An Illegal Maid Cafe
Setting_Matters_Straight
After seeing the news, Touma attempted to run off but Misaki had stopped him with a less than pure method while Kumagawa had afterwards convinced him that he needed to get information on all of this before he goes blind into the situation. After that, the two boys had gotten back in their original outfits and left the area before anyone could see them. They travel now, by way of back alleys and various other methods of subterfuge to the place Kumagawa had said they could gather their information from.
"...Did you really have to flash me your panties to stop me?"
"They're not mine so I don't see why I should care. Plus when you get that determined, it's about all anyone can do to stop you from throwing yourself into someone else's problem."
[Totally going to die a horrible death.]
"Yeah she is."
"What death isn't horrible~?"
[Old age. In your sleep. Being chased off a cliff by topless models. Just to name a few.]
Touma glances over at Kumagawa.
"And you really don't have a fetish for-"
[Are we really back on this? Your friend has gotten wrapped up in something that may or may not have resulted in his step-sister's death yet you want to waste the time you could spend on thinking of a way to help them on your silly delusions.]
"Wh- THIS WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN WASTING TIME ON MEANINGLESS CONVERSATIONS!"
[Buuut, he's not my friend. There's no reason for me to care about wasting time here.]
They were about at each others throats when Misaki swats the two of them with the replica baton she had. It had come with the other Anti Skill training equipment but she had decided to keep it for herself.
"Fighting with each other isn't going to help anything here. Are we close to that place you were talking about or did you really just want to waste his time to piss him off?"
[I'd like that but there are lives on the line! As an ally of the weak, I cannot ignore their cries! The entrance is just ahead though.]
"That's the biggest lie I've ever heard from you, I think."
[Put some more faith in me, Misaki-chan! This place will be perfect in letting us plan and rest up for our next move in all of this.]
Touma raises an eyebrow at that statement.
"Is it really safe? Won't it be a problem for me to be out in the open here?"
[Ah, that's the beauty of it Urchin-san! This is something of an underground place that males frequent as much as it's female clientele. It'll be fine.]
"Can you really still call me urchin? You used up all the gel before I could get to it. Wait. What is that kind of place doing in the middle of School Garden?"
The continual smile darkens in delight of variables known only to it's wearer.
[You mean, what isn't a place like that doing here but I don't want to ruin the surprise. The suspense will keep things entertaining for awhile, I think.]
Both Misaki and Touma give each other worried looks, which only exacerbates his own worry threefold. After all, with how familiar they had been as well as the fact that Misaki ought to know this place more or less like the back of her hand, Touma had expected for her to have known about this place as well. Given that even she has no idea, it couldn't be good. But he has come to understand that Misaki at least was someone he could trust, if only because she had placed that same trust in him with the falsified situation with the Altar of the Wisdom King. Not to mention the fact that she had roped Kumagawa into helping out as well. For the time being, he has no choice but to go with the flow.
Kumagawa stops in front of a sewer grate, an oddity in this city where they had a majority of Academy City's sewage pipes narrowed down to sizes too small even for most rats. That didn't mean that they didn't exist at all. It was just that strange to see such an underground entrance fit for the average person in such a secretive place as School Garden
"Is this it? It seems….kind of suspicious."
At Touma's comment, Misaki bumps shoulders with him and grins at the dubious look he has.
"Yeah, I have to agree with the pervert on that one~."
"...I don't even have the energy to refute that anymore. I don't think I'll even care if this turns out to be some sort of set up. There's no way I could get any more or less aggravated by all this. I may have reached some kind of homeostasis with my frustrations at this whole thing. Let's just get it over with."
[Ohhhh! That's the kind of made-up apathy I was seeking to make here!]
"What are you talking about? This isn't 'made-up' for me!"
[So you say but that's just how you feel for the moment. That's the best thing about this misfortune of ours. We never realize just how bad things are until it's far, far, far too late.]
Kumagawa chuckles softly to himself and squats next to the grate as Touma cringes in preparation for what is to come. He rapidly knocks against the metal with 2 hits, then 6, 5, 6, 3, 4 and so on for the next 15 minutes, an odd scraping as he drags his fist against the metal at certain intervals. Once he finished, there came a quiet, expectant female voice from underneath the metal cover.
"What do you think of Touhou 6?"
The other two had absolutely no clue what was happening here. If they had a map detailing the situation and several months worth of classes on the subject itself, they'd still be as lost as they were now. But Kumagawa, as it ought to have been expected from an apparent patron, had exactly the right words for the situation as always.
[That game is shit.]
"...Why?"
The voice sounded slightly disappointed. Misaki was on the verge of just having one of the boys open it up so she could get a clear shot at whoever it was under there. She figured that Kumagawa had messed up the passphrase somehow and was about to make good on her plan so they could gain entrance when his next words stopped her dead in her tracks.
[Because I can't beat it and using the visible hit box patch is for scrubs.]
Just when they had thought they couldn't have been more out of their element, the opening of the sewer grate throws them from the Laniakea Supercluster and puts their understanding on a course for the edge of the observable universe.
[Hm? You guys coming along or what?]
Mechanically, they climb down the pipe, though not with out a few accidents on the way.
"GODDAMN IT! STOP TRICKING ME INTO SEEING THAT HAPLESS GIRL'S PANTIES ALREADY!"
[I AGREE! GIVE THAT PRIVILEGE TO ME! OR AT LEAST HAVE YOU BE THE ONE TO DROP ON ME! I DON'T WANT MANASS IN MY FACE!]
They turn to each other and glared at one another with hate enough to power a whole city block, much to the mischievous, body-snatcher's delight.
"BWAHAHAHAHA! Teasing you two is great~!"
"Umm, we should really get going or the Boss will get mad at me again..."
At the maid's suggestion, they move through the pitch black passage by way of an incredibly bright flashlight. However as they walk, Misaki questions that sudden descriptor that had slipped into the last sentence.
"So why are there girls in cosplay? That shouldn't even be something to be asked, considering you're involved, but somehow I doubt the School Garden would allow for there to be guys mingling with girls dressed like the demon maid girls from that ani-. Why in the hell do I know about that? No, never mind. You've seen that show before haven't you?"
[Well I won't answer questions you answered yourself but the Railroad Cafe was created with the purpose of allowing those from outside and within to gain experience with the opposite sex. Although, it's honestly the girls that benefit the most from this place.]
Touma narrows his eyes. To him, the whole thing sounded sinisterly illegal.
"How, exactly, is that?"
[Not the way you're thinking, that's for sure. The whole operation is only frowned upon in the eyes of the law in that there are dudes technically within a female only area. The girls are all completely consenting to the work and uniforms, the guys all have to be pre-screened by multiple tiers of vetting systems over the course of a month to ensure they aren't total bastards. It's totally legit. The reason why I said the girls get more out of it than the guys is because unlike them, who at least have a bit of experience with the opposite sex, the girls that work here have absolutely none due to the lives they led. They get to see what work is like and how to deal with guys.]
Misaki's glasses shine from the dull lighting as she leans in between them to look directly at Kumagawa.
"That's quite the PR speech. But if that business about them vetting people was true, how are you allowed in here?"
[I know the owner. So does our deflated Urchin-san here.]
The ex-spiky haired boy frowns at this but with every degree the corners of his mouth droop is multiplied several times over in just how high up the other boy's go in the opposite direction.
It wasn't long until they came to an inexplicably placed doorway with a set of heavy looking, wooden doors. It gave off the appearance of an entrance to a dungeon more than a cafe of any conventional kind. As the maid gets to a certain point before the door, they slowly open up all on their own.
[They're just triggered by the tailor-made icey chips in their uniforms. It's all a part of the ambiance.]
A hand goes to slap the face of it's exasperated, male owner.
"You meant IC chips."
[Yeah, that's what I said.]
"I just get the feeling that you said 'icey', like some kind of description for cold weather, instead of IC."
[They both come in chip form of some kind or the other. Jeeze, stop splitting hairs already and bask in the glory that is the Railroad Cafe!]
They step through the doors and into the blinding light. What awaited their adjusted eyes was quite the spectacle. Girls dressed as various characters from popular anime or manga were gracefully going from table to table as they handle the guest's requests. Touma had to admit, there was something of a classier atmosphere here. Though that had to be because of the employees themselves rather than the clothes they wore.
It was fairly spacious inside compared to the cramped tunnel to the cafe. This place may have been some kind of through-way that was converted into the restaurant reminiscent of old European architecture, perhaps to call to mind that it's workers and patrons were in fact in School Garden. Although, it was rather odd that it had been done so well. Only someone with great assets and resources could have handled the conversion so well.
As per usual, unfortunately, Kumagawa is the one that takes the calming mood and dashes it's fragile body against the ground.
[LADIES, LADIES, LADIES! KUSO-SAMA AND PROFESSOR M ARE IN THE HIZZLE!]
Everyone turns toward his shout. Kumagawa stands there with a blank expression before a light bulb sputters on above his head as he slightly gestures at Touma.
[Oh and this other dude too I guess. He's not that important. Oh shit, BLAU!]
As he waves frantically at someone off in the distance away from where they stood, Touma glances over with mild disinterest. Or at least that was until he saw who it was.
"Blau?...Wait, AOGAMI!?"
Once Aogami Pierce, the one whose 1st place position for biggest pervert was being contested currently, had glimpsed Touma's face, he made an odd noise before swinging his head away from his piercing glare and redirects a portion of it at Kumagawa before taking him around a corner.
"Hey uh Misogi? Bud? What's Kami-yan doing here?"
Aogami whispers at a rushed tone but Kumagawa, being one ever without tact, talks at exactly the level needed for anyone to hear normally.
[It's funny, ain't it?]
"NO DUDE! I'VE PREPARED FOR MID-BOSSES FROM ANTI-SKILL OR JUDGMENT BEING THROWN OUR WAY BUT YOU'VE GONE AND SENT IN THE FINAL BOSS! HE'LL RUIN OUR OASIS, MAN! HE'LL STEAL ALL THE GIRLS FOR HIMSELF WHEN HE GOES TO SHUT US DOWN!"
[Nah, he's got too much to worry about to deal with this right now. Don't worry so much!]
"...And what about when it's done?"
Kumagawa tilts his head in impish confusion.
[Wha?]
"When whatever stuff he's got going on with adding that bookish girl to his harem is done, what then?"
[...Dunno lol? Pretty sure she's already in his harem though anyway.]
With his mocking smile and shrugged shoulders, Aogami loses it.
"AHHHHHH! I KNEW I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET SUCH A CLOSED-MINDED BASTARD INTO MY PARADISE! DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
[SCUM HAS NO RIGHT TO CALL OTHERS SCUM! THIS GARDEN OF EDEN IS WASTED ON INSECTS LIKE YOU! YOU'LL DIE FOR YOUR HERETICAL BELIEFS!]
Before these near deity level perverts could fight, a flying baton ricochets off of Kumagawa's head and into Aogami's. Misaki picks up the non-lethal weapon where it had lay as the two had just rubbed the pain away from their foreheads enough for semi-cognitive thought.
"Okay, what is this idiocy about? Just as a reminder, I still have half a mind to expose this place to Anti-Skill so they can shut it all down."
At her statement, the proprietor of the establishment broke down into tears
"ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE! This, this is all I have."
Kumagawa slaps a hand on the shoulder of his deviant comrade.
[Haaaah. Crocodile tears won't work on this one, scum.]
"Wha- She's that high level, you piece of shit!?"
Despite the insults, there was no hostility between them. It was like watching master artisans at their craft. If, that is, being a fool counted as a craft.
"Are you even really fighting anymore? Whatever, it's probably over something completely stu-"
[This scumbag among scumbags is a pederast!]
"Says the lolicon!"
[So are you, fucker! At least I can differentiate between what is female and what isn't!]
"IF IT'S CUTE, THEN IT DOESN'T MATTER! AS LONG AS I KEEP MY INTERESTS AT THE 2ND DIMENSION, IT DOESN'T MATTER!"
[IT'S STILL GAY IF THERE'S A PENIS INVOLVED NO MATTER WHAT DIMENSION YOU LOOK AT IT FROM, YOU COCKSMOKING MONGOLOID!]
"Wait, wait, wait."
Misaki gestures to her baton.
"This is the talking stick. If I want to hear you talk, I point it at you so you can spill the bullshit out of your ill-used mouths. If it's not pointed at you and you talk, I hit you with this. Ok?"
The two look at one another before arriving at the same conclusion when they look back at her, all smiles.
"Do I have to pay for that!?"
[Do I have to pay for that!?]
For a moment it seemed like she was about to explode but after a long sigh, she looks at the two perverts and smiles sadistically.
"...Let me revise my previous statement~."
Misaki jams the end of the baton into Kumagawa's mouth before switching to Aogami's and then back to Kumagawa's.
[ECH! AH GOD! WHAT THE HELL!]
"I DON'T WANT SOME PERVERT'S SPIT IN MY MOUTH!"
"...I won't bother with that last comment. You, blue hair, talk. Keep it short or I'll just start poking around other holes."
Aogami goes completely pale with fear at her casually said threat to his rear.
"Th-that's just an exit lady! I don't want to awaken to some new fetish like that! What the hell is with this woman, Misogi!? How is her appearance such a decept-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Alrightalrightalright! Just...get the stick away please."
Misaki obliges his request but starts tapping it against the wall impatiently with her free hand at her hip.
"So uh when he and I met, we clearly hit it off pretty well. I mean our tastes coincide for the most part with the exception of uh-"
The baton jabs just underneath Kumagawa's nose with a flash.
[The misguided notion that sexual genitalia can be disregarded if it's 'cute.']
"Are you seriously telling me that you wouldn't go after a crossdressing boy that is a girl in every way but the penis!?"
Misaki whirls around on him and holds him to the wall as she threatens to stick the metal rod into his left nostril.
"I think I'll have you taste each other's snot and boogers for that comment~. Also, no matter how you look at the situation you painted for us, there's still a shared set of tools between the two of you. No matter how prettied up you make it, it still leaves your sexuality in question."
[HA!]
Any sign that Kumagawa had made that short exhale of vindication was erased before Misaki's withering stare fell on him. She holds that look for a minute before looking back at Aogami.
"This? All of what you two are talking about? Completely retarded. I was in a good mood before I had to sit and watch that idiot knock on a sewer grate for 15 full minutes. After we got down into the tunnel, I was only mildly frustrated when Kumagawa told me what all this was. Mildly, for the fact that this cafe thing is just begging to have some darker underground elements take over right next to where I sleep and go to school. That can be handled by Kumagawa though. I can trust that much to him. But having to sit here and mediate this, this, I don't even have words for how dumb this is! You are literally arguing over whether, as men, liking cute boys is gay or not! BOYS!"
"...Well in America there's a movement for-"
"What country are we in?"
"Right."
"I don't care if you're gay or not. You want to lust over men, then fine."
Aogami opens his mouth for but a second before Misaki slams the baton underneath his jaw to close it.
"Correct me and I will use all of my power to completely erase that perversion from your head and replace it with the thoughts of big burly men. ...My point here, Aogami-san, is I don't care about any of this at all! At this point, all I want to do is wipe my hands clean of this whole thing. Preferably with napalm."
She retracts the baton into it's collapsible form as she smiles sweetly.
"Now, can we get a table here please~?"
"Y-yes! Yes, ma'am! GET THESE PEOPLE A TABLE! NOW!"
Maids scramble about as they find them just as Misaki had ordered. They get seated against the wall in one of the booths, have their orders taken, and water served within the span of two minutes. Their professionalism nearly rivaled that of many of the maid schools here in the city.
Kumagawa sits by himself on one side while Touma and Misaki are on the other. The whole time, both boys had been glancing over at one another with a mixture of surprise, confusion, and a dash of fear.
[Uh, I know what you usually say at times like this but I kinda feel-]
"Only kinda~?"
Despite it being said in that alluring voice, Kumagawa's veins grow cold at the sound. But before he could start scrambling for his nerves, Misaki sighs in exhaustion.
"I get that it's in your personality and all but this really isn't the sort of world that can put it's problems on hold for your jokes. I get that your world did allow for that but right now, as we've been messing around, Touma's friend is in trouble. I know you don't care. I don't expect you to just let go of that anger at him overnight because I say so but there's more going on here than your feud with him. I'm also at fault here for allowing all of it to happen but...well, I'm just as selfish as you on that one. Just for...opposite reasons."
She stands up and begins to walk off before Touma speaks up.
"W-wait. Where are you going by yourself? You're pretty tired right? I don't really get what happened and I do have my own problems but if the ones helping me run themselves ragged just for me-"
Misaki turns with a smile. Her laugh, albeit tired, was sweet on the ears.
"Haha. I'm just going to the bathroom to freshen up a bit. Just...talk with each other a bit. Try to understand each other a little bit so we won't have to worry as much about the two of you fighting so often."
Touma sits back down as she approaches a maid for directions. His fists clench slightly as his expression becomes heavy.
[...Don't let it worry you. It's all my fault anyway.]
"...I'm surprised you would take the blame for that one."
[Yeah, well. I did make an ass out of myself back there. Which isn't really anything too special but I think I wore down on Misaki-chan's last nerve so I'll try to get a little bit more serious about all this.]
"So what should we talk about? I assume you want to wait on the planning until Misaki-san comes back?"
[Yeah. It'd be better to do this as a slightly dysfunctional team than as...whatever this is.]
"Right."
A long, awkward silence separates the two for what felt like an eternity.
"...Why do you hate me so much?"
Kumagawa, his mind light-years away, takes half as long to respond.
[Hate? Nah, I'm just not very excited that you continue to live. Well...it's got more to do with how you act. If you really want to know.]
"How I act?"
[You're just so self-righteous and assertive in believing that you're so unfortunate. It bothers me.]
"Okay. Care to elaborate there?"
Kumagawa shifts awkwardly in his seat as he tries to find a way out of it but when he finds none, he looks over at Touma with half-lidded eyes.
[...We'll just wind up fighting over it you know.]
"Maybe. But it's better to get this out of the way now than later."
Kumagawa sighs as he ruffles his head around in defeat.
[Fine then. To the first point, you seem to have the habit of just butting your head into all these situations without ever actually thinking about what will happen to everyone involved. You just wave it off as being your 'instinct' to help someone and that you don't need a reason to help someone but that's just completely wrong on so many levels. What if you save someone that turns around and kills everyone? As in the entire planet, straight up extinction level stuff. You definitely can't deny that sort of thing happening with what's been going on here.]
Touma blinks at the question for awhile before coming to his conclusion.
"...I'd-"
[Stop them? Seriously? As in, after the fact of you saving them when the whole thing could have been avoided by letting them die?]
"Yes."
[That's just reckless.]
"And you aren't the same? Misaki-san has been over it already but you really have been fooling around too much when it comes to the serious situations. Maybe it's different for a guy that can ignore death in whatever manner you do it in but when it comes to anyone else, we take life and death as serious as can be. Could someone I save become someone as horrible as that? I don't think so. Nobody is so bad at their core that they'll waste the second chance they've been given to redeem themselves."
[THAT! That right there is what I was talking about! Stop talking like you know everything there is to know! Eventually someone will come that is such an irredeemable, stubborn bastard that you won't be able to do anything for them! Sure, knock him out but what about afterwards!? Would, whoever it is, really be okay with just ditching their plans for your ideology!? Just for a single right handed punch!?]
"How could anyone think of me as a know-it-all!? Aren't you just going right back to being a hypocrite!? And there's no such thing as someone so 2 dimensionally evil as that! That's just something stupid out of some damn manga!"
Kumagawa sighs once more.
[What did I say? We're fighting over it. We should stop this or we might end up destroying this place. Well not really 'we' but you get what I mean.]
Another awkward silence as the two try to think of some way to pass the time but such a topic as they had touch on wasn't something so easy to shake from their minds. Touma is the one to voice as much first.
"...So what did you mean, me believing that I'm unfortunate?"
Kumagawa had been taking a sip of water and slammed the glass onto the wood table with an exasperated roll of the eyes.
[Oh hell.]
"I don't like having to deal with this any more than you but if neither of us knows at least where the other is coming from, we'll just keep snapping at each other. If we're going to work together, we need to know each other better. If only to let us bring the hate down to just tolerance."
He had his head pointed at the ceiling as Touma spoke but there was no way out of the situation to be found in the odd patterns that dotted across the textures up there so Kumagawa looks back at Touma to continue the conversation.
[...I suppose you have a point. Tell me then, just what is it about your life so far that has you believing that your misfortune is so overwhelming? Because of the fights you get into? That's your fault.]
"I'll take the blame where it's due but it affects more than just that, you know."
[Oh what? You referring to the little shit?]
"Little? I guess but it's a lot of little things snowballing into an avalanche on my life because of my right hand."
[That shitstorm isn't a result of bad luck as much as it is an absence of luck.]
Touma scratches at his head.
"Uh, Kamijou-kun doesn't understand these things."
[Look, you say you have bad luck because that hand neutralizes the good luck right?]
"Right."
[But that doesn't even make sense! How could it erase the good luck but not the bad luck? Have you ever run into some kind of magician that can fire off stuff that you can't negate at all? Your hand hasn't been so selective in what it erases and what it doesn't before now so why would it over something like that?]
"...That is true actually but how else could you explain all of this?"
[I'd say that it's because you have no luck to protect you from these bad events.]
"Sounds a lot like bad luck to me."
[It could be confused for it but when you consider how things have usually turned out for those events you dive into, there's no way you'd have bad luck. For you, there's just a null value for your luck rather than a positive or a negative. You have had outstanding support, there hasn't been any kind of fuck ups that are totally irreversible, and you haven't experienced any sort of major loss. If you were to look at just that, you've been particularly blessed. It's the same with all the bad stuff that happens. You just happen to have a fucked up perspective. Well, not that I can really talk but all the same it bugs that you can claim to be so misfortunate without being actually misfortunate.]
Touma, as much as he wanted to, couldn't find himself disagreeing with him. If good luck really was the blessings of God, then wouldn't that make bad luck God's curses? Taking that into account, the value of luck he has should be perpetually set at 0, just as Kumagawa had said. But even if he was right on many accounts, Touma's experience tells him that Kumagawa still had several things wrong with his argument.
"What you say isn't wrong but it's still not right."
[How do you figure?]
Touma smiles wryly as he spills his thoughts about his misfortune out.
"You are right that I've been blessed with so many people to help me. But that isn't something I outright rely on. Most of the time, I'm alone when it comes to my fights. If I was really so blessed, then there's no way I couldn't have just won those fights without breaking a sweat. They usually wind up with me in the hospital even in the best of cases. But that still doesn't mean I have no good or bad luck. It's just that the bad outweighs the good on an average day. Besides, there are still quite a bit of aspects in my life that I live with that are a direct result of my misfortune."
[Your memory loss?]
"What!?"
[Ah. Suppose I shouldn't have said that so casually but, yeah. I'm aware of it due to having shared memories with Misaki-chan.]
Touma struggles for a time to find his voice but even he does use it, it shook as he spoke.
"...So she knows too then."
[Well, that situation is more complicated than what you're thinking of but...it's not my business to talk about it.]
"I see. I guess that's why she's been so familiar with me. I assumed that she knew me but I didn't know it extended to when I saved Index."
[Wait, Index? What's that?]
He honestly couldn't tell whether or not Kumagawa was lying. That cackling Minus would be the sort to ruin a serious conversation with a tasteless joke.
"..."
[100% serious right now man. I think, somehow, we're talking about totally different things.]
"Then...I've lost my memory before that time as well?"
[Apparently.]
"Shouldn't that prove even more that I have bad luck? I can't remember anything about my past. The birthdays I've had with my parents. My first day of school. It's all gone. When I went to visit my parents, they were more like strangers to me than anything else. How isn't that bad luck?"
[...In many ways, that could've been better for you than you know. How do you know your past wasn't totally shitty? Not knowing your parents is pretty bad but at least you can start over without those bad memories.]
"Maybe. Maybe but even if they were that horrible, they were my memories all the same. For better or worse...I would rather have them."
The conversation stalls as their food gets to them. Kumagawa and Touma had gotten chicken curry with rice while Misaki had a small slice of cake. She still wasn't around though so they waited for her return so they could all eat together. Kumagawa, meanwhile, has come back from being lost in his thoughts.
[...Want them back?]
Touma's eyes widen at the offer.
"You'd do that?"
Kumagawa laughs at Touma's suspicion.
[It's interesting that you'd question that I would do it rather than whether I can. Regardless, Misaki-chan may want you regain your memories of her on your own, and I was respecting that wish, but this has grown bigger than that. I can use All Fiction to bring those memories back for you. Though it wouldn't be for you.]
"I wouldn't have expected you to do anything for me but...no thanks. I've made my peace with not having those memories. Besides, having them back would only distract me from saving Tsuchimikado."
[Alright, can't say I didn't offer. But as far as the luck is concerned...]
"Agree to disagree?"
[Yeah. Suppose so.]
"At least we've come to some sort of understanding though."
[I guess.]
A growl from Kumagawa's side of the table punctuates the end of his sentence.
[Misaki-chan is taking too long. Must be a hearty dump she's taking. Mind if I start eating?]
"...As long as you don't talk any more about what she may be doing in there, I won't mind."
[Kay~.]
He begins by stirring up the curry into the rice, making the presentable dish near unrecognizable from what it really was.
"So you're the sort that mixes it in huh."
[Yeah, people like to say that the rice loses it's flavor that way but since when the hell has rice had flavor anyway?]
He takes a giant spoonful in and immediately is stricken with a look of pure bliss. The display, as well as the aroma from his own plate, had left Touma feeling particularly hungry himself but he refrains for Misaki's sake.
"That good?"
[Mmohnyah! Ifsrearrygoo!]
Unfortunately despite his ancestry, Touma wasn't much for see food. To put the sight out of his mind, he decides to put their conversation on a relatively safe topic.
"So uh you have money trouble too right?"
Kumagawa swallows his food before responding.
[Why do you ask?]
"I'm so sick of not having money but all this craziness barely gives me enough time for school let alone a part time job. The allowance I get doesn't really cover the...current living expenses."
[Huh. What do you blow your money on?]
"...Food."
[Have you considered, I don't know, not eating everything in sight?]
"My problem is that I'm not really the one to suggest that to. There's someone else living with me and honestly rooming with a black hole might be better for my wallet at this point. Though, I thought you had gathered information on me. Why don't you already know about it?"
[It's not like people keep track of those sorts of minute details. Or at least my sources don't. Or if they mentioned something like that, I wasn't listening. Honestly the second probability there seems the most likely. But this bottomless void can't get a job?]
"She has some circumstances about her living with me so, no. She can't."
[Hm.]
"Well...do you have any ideas? You seem to be more or less in a similar situation and all."
[Huhhhhhhuh. Have you tried contracted feces farming?]
Several patrons of the cafe drop their silverware at this comment. It wasn't long before the typical noises of the restaurant pick back up. Though the conversations around them sounded rather like they were being forced to get their minds off the topic they had hoped was just in their imagination. Touma himself was of that same mindset but there wasn't really any way for him to get out of it.
"...I uh...I really don't think that I heard you right."
[Contracted feces farming.]
Some customers start calling for their checks midst the sound of even more metal clattering onto tables.
"No, I heard that. I was just hoping reality might just give me a miracle this one time. But um...like to scientific research or..."
[Nope it goes to ordure connoisseurs.]
Touma, now realizing that he had chosen the topic poorly, tries to salvage what he can out it by attempting to make Kumagawa see what he was doing to everyone else.
"Um, Kamijou-kun doesn't get small, difficult words like that. So, OH. You mean hors d'oeuvre connoisseurs right? Right!?"
Kumagawa points at Touma with his spoon.
[Nah I'm talking about people paying to eat feces. To devour scat. To imbibe poo. To gobble caca. To-]
His words are drowned out over the clamor of customers, desperate for their checks to come to release them from this torment. Touma had no choice but to envy them for their ability to escape from it but was also seriously questioning his previous doubts about his luck.
"We get the point. Please. Have mercy. Is this revenge for making you talk about why you hate me?"
Kumagawa puts in another spoonful of the brown mixture and sends it to his stomach in no time at all.
[It pays well but it's a bit harsh. Though at least they'll pay for your diet itself, since that is the deciding factor of the quality the buyer wishes for, so it'd be like knocking out two birds with one stone!]
"Why did you ignore my question!? How can you still eat while you talk about this!? Hell, how could you go around acting like you're so much better than Aogami when you're even worse in the head!?"
[What're you talking about? He's the one that suggested it to me.]
"HE ATE YOUR-"
[No, no! Questionable sexuality notwithstanding, he draws the line at any 2D boy older than 12. Says the androgyny is lost at that point or something. Freaking weirdo.]
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!?"
[Anyway, it did take me like a month to adjust to the diet they put you on so it really isn't viable for a guy like you that needs the money so badly.]
"YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE!?"
[Yeah? Wait. Don't tell me you're actually interested in eat-]
Touma rolls up his sleeve as he puts a butter knife against his right arm.
"One more word about feces, scat, poo, caca, or whatever and I'll start sawing off my right arm with this."
If only he had seen more foreign movies, Touma would realize that in his eyes was the steely glare of the Man with No Name. The people around them hold their collective breath as they bear witness to their would-be hero's last stand against the monster that threatened their stomachs. The tension in the air could be cut with the knife he holds. Finally, Kumagawa appears to back down as he looks away from Touma.
[...Tch, shit.]
The boy that had fought Archangels, Saints, powerful espers, and a myriad of other monstrosities, fervently scrapes at his shoulder with that dull utensil to escape from Kumagawa's madness.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
[HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HE'S REALLY DOING IT! THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN!]
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGODDAMNITALL!"
The knife smashes onto the table's surface as he loses his nerve.
[HA! Knew you wouldn't have the balls! Oh, by the way, what's up with that arm anyway? I asked Blau about it and he didn't know anything about that weirdness that came out of that thing.]
Touma wasn't too keen to talk about that topic either but if it would get him to move on from the previous conversation, he was more than willing.
"...Can't say I really know myself. It isn't really something I can rely on so I haven't bothered with it."
Kumagawa points at Touma again with his utensil in between bites.
[Why the hell not? Let me tell you something, I can see weakness in everything due to me being such a loser.]
"I don't know if that's really something to be proud of but, you gained that power from losing? How does that even make sense?"
[Well, it isn't necessarily literal. It's sorta like that precog bullshit you have. As long as I don't think too hard about it, I can get a sense of where to hit things the hardest to make the most damage. I've only seen one other person that didn't have any kind of weaknesses in them before I saw that force come from your torn arm. That's why I ran from it. It was too weird for me to understand. Not even I am so stupid as to go up against something like that without more information on it.]
"Which is why you met with Aogami then. Sorry but considering my arm has to be ripped off for it to work in the first place, I'd rather not have to use it at all if I can help it."
[Who said that you have to be sans an arm to use it? It might be something that can come out of it's own accord if you train it enough.]
"Maybe but, if it's something that has to be leveled up from me getting my arm torn off, I'd rather just use Imagine Breaker. Besides, with everything else that has been happening, I really don't have the time to be worrying about something like that."
Kumagawa sighs as he rubs his forehead.
[You could have some OP godslaying ability in there and you let it waste away because you're too chicken to do anything with it.]
Following suit in terms of expressing his feelings on the matter, Touma crosses his arms.
"That honestly might be true. Such misfortune."
[Disregard our previous truce on the argument regarding your luck. I can't accept any of that shit about being unlucky when I'm around.]
"What? Who made you the expert on misfortune?"
[I'd daresay that I'm the most unfortunate person in existence.]
"Yeah? Well, do you have some freeloading glutton that hogs your bed, basically forces you to sleep in your bathtub so she won't crawl into bed with you, and bites on your head when she's pissed off at you over some random misunderstanding?"
[What the hell? How is any of that a bad thing? Oh wait, you're the typically dense as shit harem protagonist. Of course you'd be so adverse to threats against your virginity.]
"Oi. Pretty sure you're a virgin yourself, bastard."
[So what? At least I can tell when a girl is in love with me…well that is if any were to fall for me but still.]
"...It's not like I can't see that she probably feels something for me. If she does, it's for the me before I lost my memory. It would feel too much like I was taking advantage of being in the body of someone else that she loves if I were to return her feelings."
[That sucks but it's still nothing next to my shitty luck. No matter what the game or rules, it's literally impossible for me to win any game or fight.]
"How does that even compare?"
[Every. Fight. I lose. No matter the effort. I could lose a coin toss game even if it was flipped 10,000 times. Now apply that sort of shitty luck to your entire little blip of a life. What do you got now, sphincter?]
"I literally get no time for rest anymore in between these near daily events. The one time I was allowed a vacation, I spent the first few hours being completely lost and the rest was wasted on having to fight off some Roman Catholic magicians that were going to destroy Academy City. That's the sort of bad luck that haunts me."
[I tripped over a crack in the road and faceplanted into some dog shit the other day.]
"I pulled out my wallet so I could use my card at the ATM and a bird flew down to steal it from my hands. When I tried chasing it, it doubled back in the air just to crap on me."
They continued to trade their horror stories long after Misaki had returned, seemingly ignorant of her coming back. In reality, she had only been gone for 10 to 15 minutes but their debate had lasted now for well over half an hour as she watched them from her spot next to Touma. She had considered interrupting but much like a train wreck, it was hard to resist the urge to hear of their damnable luck.
It ranged from small things like getting mistaken for a criminal or waking to see their homework that they stayed up all night to finish being set aflame and only grew in magnitude until they were comparing nearly losing their lives in world wars and actually losing their lives over and over and over again.
After a whole hour of deliberation over the matter, the two experts on misfortune sit in silence as they stare at each other. Misaki opens her mouth to break the silence but Touma beats her to the punch.
"Can't say all of what you said was just poor luck when at least half of it was your fault."
[I can say the same to you.]
"True. We're both pretty luckless when it comes down to it."
[I hate to admit that you can even be considered in the same ballpark as me but you're right. This luck of ours is so shifty that we aren't even allowed to entirely blame it for the bad things in life. That Miss Fortune is one crafty bitch huh?]
"Yep."
[You know that I still haven't acknowledged your luck as being on par with mine, right?]
"Yep."
[But...It's still pretty shitty. I can't even think of anything more to convince myself that you can't even be compared to me in unluckiness. I really hate this kind of an unsatisfactory ending.]
"...Yep."
Sighs escape their mouths as they both utter their concluding statements on the whole affair.
"Such misfortune."
[Couldn't win again.]
As they hear each other's old catchphrases, they eye one another for awhile. Misaki was sure that a fight might happen but before she could do anything, Touma reaches his right hand out. Kumagawa, meanwhile, just stares at it. But even so, the hand continues to be offered. Finally, Kumagawa tentatively grasps the hand and shakes it.
"...I'm surprised you didn't poof right out of existence. Oh but I guess he did punch you with that hand earlier huh?"
[WHOA! When did you get back, Misaki-chan?]
"Awhile ago. The discussion you two were having was just too interesting to ignore~."
Touma scratches his head awkwardly as he looks over at the girl next to him.
"Yeah, well, it was good to come to terms with him. If only a little bi-OW!"
As he was talking, he felt a sharp blow to his shin underneath the table. When he looks over to the prime suspect, there was nothing unremarkable going on with Kumagawa's face. To clarify, it was as if he hadn't even done anything to begin with. But then he notices something in his eyes. It was like he was trying to tell Touma something but he wasn't quite getting why or what he wanted to tell him. Misaki sighs heavily at the exchange.
"I appreciate you trying to cover for him for my sake but I know you too well for you to hide anything and I had already suspected that he might forget again before I could come back to you two."
"W-wait, forget? What-"
[She knows you don't remember her by now. It has been long, long after half an hour. Ah, well I guess that was more to our conversation so I don't really know if you remember but...screw it, you lost your memory of her before the incident with your headcrab.]
"Head...crab? Wait, never mind that."
Touma turns half his body to Misaki.
"You know about...my memory loss?"
"Yes I-hang on. Did it extend to more than just me? Do you remember nothing about your life?"
"I-"
A tap to the shin. This time, much subtler than the last. He looks sidelong, for but an instant, at Kumagawa. He was nibbling at what was left of his stirred up curry rice but no signs of anything registered in those dull eyes. Touma looks back at Misaki's genuinely worried face before coming to his answer.
"I remember everything else it's just...this is a lot to take in."
Misaki seems to take that statement in for a moment to process it before exhaling in relief.
"That's good~. As I was saying, I do know about your memory loss since it concerns me but...I'd rather you just figure those details out on your own without any outside intervention. But we aren't here to talk about either of your brain problems despite how much you two seem to take pleasure in discussing it~."
Her comment that attacked the two on entirely separate levels has both boys scream totally different things with the same feelings behind the words.
"DIDN'T YOU WANT TO STOP THE FIGHTING!?"
[DO YOU WANT ME TO HUNT AFTER YOUR REAL BODY SO I CAN GIVE THIS GUY YOUR ACTUAL PANTIES!?]
"PFFTHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ohhhh boy! It really is fun to rile you two up like this but we should really move onto what we came here for to begin with."
[I officially retract my apology to you for wasting time. You acted SOOOO tired of my shit and here you are doing the same exact things I was doing. Do you just not think that I won't put all of this on hold just to slap those panties of yours onto this nerd's face? Are you challenging me woman? Because I will tear this city apart just to embarrass you.]
"Come on, do you really need me to tell you to learn how to take a joke? Besides, I told you that I was being hypocritical about all this anyway."
[Whatever. Suppose I'll just have to look past that side of you as a fellow hypocrite. I assume you weren't in there just taking a dump right?]
The other side of the table takes an instant hit of mental stress. For different reasons but the quantity as well as quality was at the same level for both of them.
"If I we're closer, I'd smash that grin of yours into your curry. But yes. I was making some phone calls so I could gather information while you two hashed out your issues."
As he had just been hit with a light dose of PTSD from Kumagawa's words, Touma couldn't work much of an appetite up for the food in front of him and so he sadly pushes the dish away from him as he looks over at Misaki.
"Did you find out where Tsuchimikado is?"
"Something like that. The easiest way to find him is to try to figure out his motive for doing all this...which is incredibly hard to figure out just with what we know. So I decided to look for anyone strange trying to confirm the death of his sister since keeping you away from the apartment fire might have been another reason to send you here on a wild goose chase."
"...Because I would have saved her? That doesn't-"
"Make any kind of sense at all. Of course. That is, as long as she really did burn up in that fire."
Touma's eyes go wide with a double dose of disbelief and realization.
"Yeah. If he wanted to protect her, he would make it look as though she had gotten killed already by someone else. That would throw off any assassins and the like. If I was there, I probably would have run right in there and found whatever he planned on having go up in flames with the rest of his place. But there's no way something like that could last as a cover. He's spent too much of his effort into keeping her away from all that to send her out of the city, never mind the fact that he wouldn't be able to do anything to help her if they saw through all that and sent someone after her."
Kumagawa wipes the corners of his mouth upon completion of his lunch.
[Then would anyone care about her if that Tsuchimikado guy was to die?]
Touma whips his head around to him as he continues with the same smile as usual.
[The only reason why anyone wants her dead is because they can use that to control him so if he dies, then she no longer has any value to these shady people right? He only needs enough time to figure out who was going to kill her. After he's gotten his revenge on those people, he won't really need to live anymore will he?]
"He wouldn't just abandon Maika like that!"
[Well, maybe he isn't quite that suicidal but that's not really what I'm trying to get at. I mean, he has already abandoned her hasn't he? He likely fed her some lies and sent her somewhere safe, remote, yet also close enough for him to come running in case they did catch on but otherwise, he's just going to treat her like a mushroom in this situation. He'll feed her shit and keep her in the dark all for the sake of revenge. Isn't that completely backwards if he was really trying to protect her?]
"...If he's that cornered, he wouldn't think so clearly as that. Is that your point?"
[Yep! Give the man a cookie!]
"What does that prove? Why wouldn't he get that kind of pressure when someone close to him is being threatened?"
[Because you aren't facing off against Tsuchimikado the double agent man of mystery. This is a man that would fake the death of a loved one just to beat their assassins to the punch so he can hunt them down himself. You are stepping in the way of a brother's rage against the ones that would kill his sister.]
"I just want to stop him before he gets himself killed or otherwise falls into a pit he can't get out of."
[Sure, sure. But by doing that, you give the other side the time necessary to do whatever they wish. Should you really be stopping him? They might catch onto his lies and find the sister you know? That and there's whatever is going on that they felt the need to try to silence such a guy by going after the one person they shouldn't.]
"He might not be rational right now when it comes to his personal safety but I have no doubt that he did everything in his power to ensure Maika stays safe. If only so he can let his rage out on whoever is behind this. As soon as we save him, we can just finish putting a stop to whatever Tsuchimikado was looking into. I'm going to choose to trust in his skill."
Kumagawa sighs at those words and looks over at Misaki.
[I hate that power of friendship crap. I really do.]
"That's how he is so you might as well get used to it~. Now if that conversation is done, I found out from some more computer savvy friends of mine that there was someone stalking the news sites and this same someone had managed to get into the Anti-Skill networks to try to follow the corpse to the morgue."
She passes a piece of paper with an address on it to Touma.
"How do they know it was the same person? Could be someone unrelated to this like a journalist."
"Look, my sources are credible here-"
Kumagawa leans over the table, to point where half his body was over it, to whisper loudly in Touma's ear.
[Hey, I'm pretty sure those sources of hers just used a whole bunch of hacker jargon that she couldn't understand so she's trying to cover up by acting all big and confident.]
"T-that's not true at all! I understand plenty of what they say! For example, they don't like being called hackers and in fact prefer the term crackers."
"...Isn't that only because they insist on it when you call them hackers?"
"...A-anyway! My point is, you can get more information from whomever is being sent down there to confirm Maika's death. They're sure to be there considering they know that it wasn't them who did it. You two should head down there and see what you can get."
[Uh, us two? What about this whole Three Amigos thing we had going on here?]
"Don't worry. I'm going to keep helping from the background but it would be better for us both if we split things up like this. I can look more into the situation from the back while the two of you handle that front line stuff. To borrow a bit of your knowledge, you wouldn't want the mage up in the front row when her HP is so much lower than the warriors.
The two in question look over at each other dubiously before Kumagawa sighs and gets up from his side of the table.
[Alrighty then. Let's get going, Ocean Man.]
"...These nicknames just keep evolving don't they?"
"Well, that's just him trying to find one he likes. He'll get there eventually but he'll be a bit slow in regards to that."
The other side stands as well.
"Oh, should we trade phone numbers? Wait...I don't have it already do I?"
"So insensitive~. But no. I do have your number though so I'll just call you in case anything comes up. Kumagawa should already have mine if the same thing happens on your end. Don't kill each other now~."
Misaki exits out the way they had come in with a light wave. Touma watched after her back with no small amount of melancholy. They were supposed to have known each other but he had no memory of her at all. All those happy times they might have had were hers alone to recall fondly. What hurt even more was the fact that he could feel himself losing track of her in his head. Even that small amount of contact was quietly being erased at a steady rate. At least he could remember the times he's had with Index after the most recent mind wipe but it seems like he's simply not allowed to even hold onto that regarding her. He turns back around to Kumagawa once she had left through the double doors but initially sees no one in the spot he had been in. That is until he had popped back up from having leaned his torso at a nearly impossible angle.
[Man, I hate to see her go but I love watching her leave. Know what I mean, jelly bean?]
"...I'm just going to ignore that but why did you nudge my leg the second time?"
[You should already have a guess as to why but I'll spell it out for you. She thinks that your memory loss is fault due to her meddling with your head after you had gotten yourself injured to save her. Sure the second time you got smacked in the head had nothing to do with her but she might not see it that way. I was just trying to spare her the heartbreak of assuming that was her fault too.]
"I see. Thanks for that."
[Didn't do it so you could save face. If it was anyone else other than Misaki, I would've let you make an ass out of yourself.]
"But you still helped me regardless of if it was intentional or not. Just the gratitude already idiot."
Kumagawa narrows his eyes as he frowns but almost immediately turns away and starts walking towards the back.
"Oi, where are you going?"
[There's two paths to the Railroad Cafe. One leads from up towards School Garden, as you know, and the other has an exit inside of a Skill Out owned warehouse in District 19. We'll get a car on the other side and make our way over to that hospital. Should be a piece of cake, b0ss!]
"...Huh?"
Kumagawa stops where he was and looks back at Touma's confused expression.
[What?]
Touma doesn't answer for awhile, seemingly trying to collect his thoughts on the matter, before he scratches his head as he closes his eyes.
"Nothing. I just had the weirdest feeling like you had replaced a letter for a number at the end there. It must be exhaustion getting to me or something."
He reopens his eyes and sees all emotion wiped from Kumagawa's face, his own eyes wide open.
"I know I said something strange just then but there's no way it was that strange was it? You've definitely said weirder."
The Minus opens and shuts his mouth a few times before replying.
[No. It was definitely strange but that must be my influence rubbing off on you. If it wasn't...well we don't have the luxury to dwell on that right? Let's get going before my paranoia gets the better of me here.]
He storms off in a hurry with a still bewildered Touma following after.
"Well, it's fortunate for us that he's not smart enough to recognize our influence."
"He probably knows already but he just wants to remain blissfully ignorant. That Minus has been appearing to forget about our existence in this world but there's no way he could actually have let us out of his mind so easily."
"I suppose that makes sense. He forced this series into a crossover by coming here because of Anshin'in. For him to forget about her Terminals would be incredibly reckless on his part. Though just because of that, it would also make sense for him to ignore that our presence is starting to blur the lines between fiction and non-fiction enough for other characters to start breaking the 4th wall a bit. Kumagawa is that kind of a Minus after all."
Hey look at that! I told you the next update would be by the weekend, just not which one! Yeah, fucking hadn't had the internet bill paid so I had to wait till I got my next paycheck to get it back up again. Lesson for me here is to be responsible and leave a bit of money for that sort of thing. For you all, the lesson is to take when I say I'll post updates with a bowl of salt. Sorry about that. To make up for it, I've got another update to post as soon as I'm done with the afterword thing I do on the end of these things. Anyway, I had way too much fun with the Touma & Kumagawa interactions. It's not like I couldn't have done that sort of thing with the other Index characters and him but there was just way too many opportunities for it here. I also managed to fit the inevitable Kumagawa & Aogami shenanigans. I figured they'd get along but I am of the opinion that Kumagawa isn't into traps or shotas. If that part confused you, go search up that long paragraph of Aogami's range of fetishes. Shota was, in fact, there among all of that. I also wanted to add some moments for Kumagawa and Touma to come to understand each other. Make no mistake though even if Kumagawa becomes friends with Touma, there will still be plenty of times where he'll attack him due to differences of opinions. Or because he felt like it. Shit happens. Well, see you all in about ten minutes or so if the internet doesn't shit out on me again...just knocked on wood for that one.