Disclaimer : Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima

Lucy then Erza's POV

She had cornered her the day after their outing to Akane. Of course she had. Their resident Paladin wouldn't let her go on with her pity-party without lifting a finger. And, well, maybe she deserved the chiding too. A little. Would was she kidding? Of course she deserved it but that didn't make it any way easier or better to accept. It has been three days ago and she was still dutifully avoiding Erza. Mind you, if they had to be at the same place, she just avoided looking at her because the disappointment she read in her eyes was a bit too much to bear.

She loved the armoured mage. Really she did. She admired her as a warrior, respected her unwavering integrity, appreciated her no-nonsense attitude and serious demeanour and cherished her friendship. She valued her opinion and knowing she had fallen short stung hard. Erza had high expectations and she never let anyone shirk from their responsibilities. So after their drunken outing, Erza had sought her out, sat her down and gave her a piece of her mind. Not loudly, no. She never really raised her voice. But damn, if she couldn't hear that she's been a pathetic wretch, then she were deaf most assuredly. No-one ever dared contradict Erza and she wasn't about to begin. What was more, she had to concede her scarlet-haired friend had a point. So she had sat through her lecture and chosen not to defend herself and let her reprimand her. Now, days later she still was mulling over it and she still had no fucking idea what she ought to do.

— Lucy", she heard and damn if that wasn't exactly the woman plaguing her thoughts.

— H…hi… Erza," she stuttered.

— Come along," she ordered and she dutifully followed her out of the guildhall. She started walking south, ahead of her, determinedly, her polished armour shining in the morning sun. She didn't hesitate or waver and continued to plow ahead, not waiting for Lucy, confident she would keep up. She led them to a bench in a park, away from the guild, away from their respective flats, away from any familiar surroundings. Lucy sat stiffly, uncomfortably.

— Have you finally reached a decision, Lucy?" she wondered and looked at her expectantly. The thought of lying didn't even cross her mind.

— No. But I've thought about it," she amended quickly, when her friend's face clouded with reproach.

— You've mulled over this enough, don't you think?"

Yep, she probably had. She couldn't even think straight about it anymore. She had turned the problem in every conceivable way, had considered every avenues but it still didn't make her face the consequences any more easily. Waking up with Natsu wasn't the problem. She had done it enough times that she felt comfortable with that. Waking up half naked was a ruddy shock, yes but she could live with it. It was embarrassing and weird but, she could reasonably deal with it. Accepting she missed him was easy. However, realizing she was attracted to him was a whole different ballgame. It was trying and staggering and irritating. He was handsome, of course, she knew that already but she had never found herself drooling over him. She had assumed it would go away, that it was a quirk brought about by the situation. After a few days, she had still believed so. When that peculiarity hadn't diminished in the slightest, she had begun to wish fervently for it to vanish. Prayed for it. Desperately clung to that hope. That oddity hadn't disappeared and she had been left with only one explanation. She was attracted to her best friend. It spelled disaster all over in capital letters. She was absolutely sure it would ruin their friendship if she ever let it show. It was an undisputable, incontrovertible fact that she wasn't willing to lose him for such an inanity. So she found the perfect solution: it simply had to go away. But damn, wasn't that hard to do… And Erza was still waiting for an answer.

— Stop taking the easy way out, Lucy. We've let you mope around enough. It's time you pick yourself back up.

— I know!" she conceded but trailed off with a defeated sigh. She was well aware she should do something to remedy the situation. What she didn't know was the direction she wanted it to go. What new status exactly she strived for. In which measures she should change their circumstances. She was not opposed to change but this one, yes, this one she dreaded. Change was indefinable, undetermined and unpredictable. She knew what she wanted. She wanted their usual banter, their easy communication and casual friendship back. She wanted him to feel comfortable in her flat again, she wanted to bicker with Natsu and Happy. She wanted them to be able to sit together without that big, oppressive, gloomy atmosphere. She was positive Natsu wanted the same. Neither liked to be at odds. But how to manage that with that damn attraction and pesky lure? It was daunting and she was stranded, at a stand-off.

— You know we're here if you need. But don't expect me to let you waste away. What is the matter? The real one?" she demanded, her tone brooking no argument. Lucy looked away, her face pinched in discomfort. "You refused to open up to Levy, then Mira, Kana. It's enough. Start talking now."

— But Erza…" she complained and got such a strong menacing glare in return she clamped her mouth shut.

— It pains me to say this but Kana is right. You shouldn't make a big deal out of waking up with Natsu since apparently, you've been making a habit out of it..." she saw Lucy blush slightly at her barb. She didn't mind what they did per se but only as long as neither suffered from it. And it was far from the case. "So I'm asking again, what is the real issue here?"

— It's not about sleeping together." She declared and shrugged. "I admit it was a bit awkward and embarrassing at first but it also came naturally in a way. It just is like that between us. Everything has always been very good-natured with Natsu. He is so… whole, all the time; buoyant, assertive, with so much integrity and determination. True, sometimes, he's a real handful and since I met him, my life has become a whirlwind. There is never a pause, never a moment of tranquility." She stopped a moment and returned to the first topic. "Usually he is in and out of my flat… out of my… bed… without even my awareness of it."

— Then how do you know he was there in the first place?

— His smell and his warmth linger." She smiled then and it overcame her whole face. "And sometimes, a very few times, I woke up before him." Only her eyes remained staring vacantly at something that wasn't there anymore. "I don't know what happened last time. Why he just didn't leave as usual. Why he shook me awake like a madman possessed. Considering how we found ourselves, I would have run away."

— That's certainly part of the problem," she said wisely. "You would probably have but you know he would never. He's just not one to sit meekly. Even less flee."

— I don't know how to explain," she continued without picking up on Erza's words. "He is my best friend," she began but cut herself short and frowned. "No, that's not quite true. He's so much more than that."

— You love him, don't you?" she asked quietly and Lucy leveled a strangely empty stare at her, surprise written all over her face before blinking slowly.

— Of course. Did you ever doubt it?"

Was Lucy being deliberately slow on the uptake or truly puzzled? Considering the wet shining of her eyes, she would tend to think she had not perceived the nuance of her question. Well, they would get back to it later.

— When I was a child and my mother died I also lost my father in the process, in a way. Of course, I had Aquarius but she wouldn't and could never fulfill the void left by my parents. I grew up surrounded by the affection of our staff and I loved them in return. Dearly. But I have always been alone. When it became too much and it threatened to overwhelm me, to devour me completely, I ran away. I was so lost Erza, so desperately alone. Anything would have been better than staying in that silent, mourning, gloomy, empty, despondent manor where my worth depended on the money and alliance my father could get through an arranged wedding. I had no say in my own life. Personal wish or life goal meant nothing to my father. Or at the top most it was a hindrance to be denied and bullied out of me. My only tether to my mother were her Spirits but they were also the only real tangible proof that I could lead another life than the hateful one promised by my father. I ran and I never regretted it."

She wasn't really surprised by her admission. She had guessed as much from the few interactions she had witnessed between Lucy and those from her former life as well as her reaction to the news of her father's death and the selling of her childhood manor. Michelle had been a huge piece of the puzzle too. But she wondered why Lucy chose her childhood as a start and how she would tie this story with Natsu. Obviously the two were intricately woven together for her. She looked at her and studied her posture. Lucy was usually easy to read as she often wore her heart on her sleeve. Her face turned up to the sky, she was watching the white feather-like clouds hovering over them. She appeared confused, torn and she wondered why she would subdue her emotions so much. Minutes passed by before she resumed her musings.

— I have been brought up to be a proper lady, heiress to one of the biggest fortune of Fiore while I only longed to join a magic Guild. Fairy Tail has always been my ultimate dream. Instead I had a preplanned life where enthusiasm and extravagance were not tolerated. And then, I happened upon Natsu, mischief incarnated." She smiled then, the fond one she usually reserved for his antics and eccentricities. Lost in her reminiscences, she didn't notice Erza look at her with a calculating gleam. "You know, it was so very Natsu-esque. Did we ever tell how we met?" she wondered as she suddenly focused her gaze on her.

— No, not really. Would you tell me?

— Of course," Lucy answered still smiling. "There was this mage who claimed to be Salamander. He used a charm to seduce girls then he drugged them and sold them as merchandise. Natsu and Happy were just looking for Igneel at the time. But when they learned he was posing as a Fairy Tail mage, Natsu, you know, he got angry and did what he does best; destroyed everything. First, he crashed the party. Aquarius brought the boat back to the harbour and Natsu proceeded to thrash Bora. And devastate everything around, as usual. So when the army went to arrest us, he grabbed my hand and offered to take me back to the Guild. It was the best day of my life. Even now, I still can't talk about this day and not remember the blazing warmth, the overwhelming joy and profound gratitude I have felt. When I think of Natsu, that's what I feel, first and foremost."

Oh, she heard the intense, honest, passionate feelings she nurtured. And she respected their complexity. Lucy had so thoroughly intertwined her love for Natsu with her loyalty to the Guild, her wish for a family who accepted her and her need to have a place where she belonged that unraveling those threads must be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. No wonder she was so confused and sent so many contradictory signals. But she was a Fairy Tail mage. A rambunctious, usually honest one. She would not let her slip back into self-pity, oblivious of the consequences of her own actions; Natsu and her were both suffering in their own way while the rest of their extended team was concerned for them. Lucy, completely lost in her own mind didn't seem willing to stop her monologue now that she had finally decided not to keep things to herself.

— Natsu is my first friend. My best friend too. The bestest of all. He is the boisterousness, the lively part of my life. When he isn't here, all is duller. He is the warmth, the sounds and the colours I never had before. He is my anchor, my pillar when things are looking down. He is the joyful part of me, the determined, brave one.

— Don't you think he deserves to know that?" she asked plainly. True, she was disappointed in them both but her heart still went to them. They were her friends and she didn't like to see either in pain. Natsu wouldn't open up to her. She knew threat would have no effect in this case. And he had Gray. That idiot would probably not go about it the best way but Gray was as much a friend as a brother to him. Whatever he did, however wrongly he went about it, it would be with the right intentions. Lucy however, she could work with. And she clearly needed her help.

— Of course." Lucy frowned and seemed to struggle a moment with what to say. "But I will not jeopardize our friendship. I can never impose upon him when he has already given me so much. How could I expect more? It is unthinkable, Erza. It doesn't really matter that I… I… fancy him," she stuttered, forcing herself to say it aloud at least once. "Nothing will ever justify I ask even more of him. I won't. I owe him that."

— But you're hurting him," she declared and saw the guilt and pain on Lucy's face.

— It was not my intention," she replied quietly.

— Pray tell then, what was it?" What exactly was she expecting? What weird, flawed idea had taken form in her mind? And why would she stubbornly refuse to deviate from her chosen course of action when her friends assured her she was making matters worse?

— At first, I thought I was the only one being affected. Natsu was so true to form, his behaviour so usual that it seemed nothing had changed for him. I had a harder time dealing with this new… awareness of him. And I assumed that if he wasn't different then I shouldn't mention it. After all, it was only my problem, right?

She looked at Lucy but didn't answer her. It was all rhetorical, wasn't it? It was somewhat surprising she would come to such a simplistic resolution but who said people always had to be completely rational? She was entitled to mistakes sometimes, as long as she tried to set them right.

— Pretending nothing is wrong has never made anything better," she offered.

— That's not what I did," Lucy said with anger. Or frustration most probably. "I was the one with an issue and I wanted to work it out on my own because I saw no need to involve him in my own mess. Maybe hiding I wasn't indifferent wasn't the best idea, but I thought it would eventually go away, never to be mentioned again. Why make everything harder when it was merely a fleeting, passing fancy? It was the only way I could think of to protect our friendship."

— Turned out well," she commented drily. "What happened?"

— It didn't die down," Lucy answered in a hard tone, anger, frustration and worry mingling and making her usually even voice shake faintly. She didn't pick up her explanation back immediately. She folded her hands in her lap and stared at them, taking deep, steadying breaths. She wet her lips and chewed down on the lower one a moment, lost in her thoughts. A small frown marred her forehead. "I thought maybe I could make it go away in the arms of someone else." Lucy murmured, rosy-cheeked. "Didn't work obviously," she shrugged despondently. "Even Loke couldn't wash my feelings away."

— Is that why he's been following you like a shadow recently?" she asked, surprised, and looked at her pointedly, expecting a lengthier explanation. Lucy chuckled darkly.

— Loke is very serious about his commitment to me and he can sometimes lay it on thick. It's all my fault actually because I called him once when I was completely drunk. You know, even if I can't quite remember what happened, I am positive I have been absolutely out of line. Yet, despite my ghastly behaviour, he still offered a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on and honestly Erza, I'm not refusing it. He may be overdoing it but he's just worried for me. Right now, I am not brave enough, nor strong enough nor confident enough to go without it.

— Why didn't you consider talking to Natsu about it? He's the main interested party after all. I mean, since it clearly is more than a passing fancy, it should have been an obvious, reasonable solution, don't you think?

— Oh, I did consider it. Seriously at that. Lost sleep over it. Lost appetite too. Played all these scenarios in my head, even practiced in the privacy of my flat. Believe me, I've lived through that talk a thousand nights.

— So, why didn't you?" Now, this sounded utterly ridiculous. And completely surreal.

— Because he began to avoid me. At first I hadn't noticed, it was subtle. But it's one of those things that once seen, cannot be unseen, you know? I tried to counterbalance his efforts but honestly, he was clearly uncomfortable near me. Why should I force myself unto him if he didn't wish for my presence? Natsu had almost always been the one to initiate physical intimacy. If he suddenly was disturbed and troubled about it, then I had to respect it, shouldn't I? So I stopped trying and just felt sad about it. I should probably have said something then but I didn't know what. If he wasn't willing, I didn't want to push. So I didn't."

— So you've begun to brood, complain to Mirajane and drink with Kana. It's not like you to lose heart and abandon, Lucy.

— Now, now I'm not a boozer or anything," she felt the need to defend herself then and a faint trace of her usual feisty personality resurfaced. "I was drunk out of my mind only once and Kana wouldn't let me drink much after that. More like not at all in fact, most of the time. Except in Akane but I think she did it on purpose. And you were drunk too."

— That's not a valid excuse," she chided sternly. "Not for you, and not for me."

— No, probably not," Lucy sighed. "Look, I just wanted to respect his wishes."

— You know, I heard you talking with Kana. You reacted impetuously and that's understandable under the circumstances. But basically, you told him to stay away from you. Knowing him, he's trying his best to do so."

It pained her to be the one who put the look of utter horror that suddenly bloomed on Lucy's face. The realization she had come to the wrong conclusions and chosen an incorrect path of action was long overdue but well, better late than never… How come it never occurred to her was still a mystery but if it could help her make up her mind, she would jump on the opportunity.

She shook her head imperceptibly. What was she going to do with them, honestly? So Natsu was brooding trying to respect her boundaries and she was sulking, believing he didn't want to approach her ever again and trying to respect non-existent wishes of his she had cooked up. Morons, the both of them. She should bash their heads together. When she thought she had been worried sick over them and they were just being bumbling idiots!

She looked at Lucy, still trapped in her own ruminations and she saw fear starting to creep in her eyes, sunken deep in her unusually pale face. What now? She still had to get her to pluck up. And she quite obviously wasn't ready to do so at all.

— Lucy," she said pulling her out of her intense pondering. "Would you reconsider your previous assumptions?" She only got a blank, vacant look. "Concerning Natsu, I mean," she said carefully. She wasn't used to a silent Lucy. It was slightly creepy. "Would you be willing to… adjust your relationship?"

— How so?

— Well, it's down to a pretty simple question, right?" She treaded cautiously. "Are you… in love with him?"

Half an hour earlier, Lucy would have denied everything altogether, blaming it on attraction. Come hell or high water, she would have refused to even seriously contemplate the question. But that wasn't the case now. She frowned deeply and her eyes darkened. She bend her head forward, her long hair falling slightly before her face and she took deep gulps of air, trying to get her breathing under control. She knew her question was turning circles and echoing in Lucy's mind. Was she in love with Natsu? She saw her move her lips but no sound reached her. Was she testing the words in her head? Was she trying the words on her tongue?

—I am… in love…with… Natsu?" Lucy repeated and it did feel like she was trying the words. Testing how they sounded like put together. How they reverberated out loud.

She waited patiently for her. So apparently, her blond friend could profess her love for him without a blush, she could reveal feelings far stronger than friendship, she could acknowledge sleeping with him, she could confide she fancied him - with difficulty mind, but she couldn't take the leap and admit she was in love? And she complained Natsu was a handful. Now, really…

— I do love him but…" Lucy began again then looked straight at her. She lost the little color she had still retained but she stood straighter, almost stiffly and suddenly looked very determined. "Yes. I am." She seemed to deflate upon admitting it. Panic took a firm handle on her. "What am I going do?" she exclaimed, a flush erupting on her cheeks. That was more like her.

— Hum, talk to him?

— What?! No way!

There it was. Last complication. What a stubborn girl. What was holding her back now?

— Whyever not? He's certainly having questions of his own that need answers as much as yours. You can't expect him to always have all the answers.

— He is being kind and considerate. It doesn't have to mean anything more!

— I wouldn't be so sure. Natsu is a very passionate soul. Everything he does, he does wholeheartedly and sticks it out damn the consequences. I find it odd you can't wrap your mind around the fact you are no exception to his rule.

— But… but… you can't be right." Denial. Again. It was becoming a tad irritating.

— Well, I was before." She watched her carefully. Not denial, no. "You're scared," she realized. "What are you afraid of?"

— What if you're wrong?" Lucy whispered. "What if I ruin everything by bringing it out? No. I am not brave like you, or him. I never was. Never claimed to be. No. I won't risk it."

— Risk what, Lucy?"

— Everything!" she yelled. "Our friendship, him!" she added a bit calmer. "If you're wrong and you could be," she emphasized, her index pointing and shaking at her in vehement conviction, "no matter how many times you have been right before, if you're wrong and I stir up a hornet's nest, what will happen then? What will be the consequences? What if he will never partner with me again? Or come to my flat? Or talk to me? No. Never." She shook her head.

— You're getting way ahead of yourself, Lucy. And slightly hysterical too. Breathe," she ordered in her most commanding, threatening tone. The tone that made any one of them do anything she wanted. "I commend you for not dismissing technicalities but that's not an excuse for indecision when you know your behaviour is causing someone pain. Buck up and take responsibility for your actions."

—Erza…" Lucy began but she didn't let her finish her sentence.

— No. Don't even think about it. We all make mistakes but it is our duty to correct them. You caused pain, in yourself and in others, maybe unintentionally, yet it is still your responsibility to make it right. You're scared, I understand that. But you forgot something very important; you are not alone. Neither in facing it, nor in dealing with it. You tried on your own and nobody can blame you for that. But then again, this situation does concern Natsu and you should have included him, best intentions or not. This is on you, now. Deal with it."

— Yes Erza," she dutifully answered. She couldn't win against her anyway so she would bow to her will. And then hopefully, they could all go back on their merry way.

Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined she would have to enforce obedience so quickly after their long talk in the park. But well, opportunity came along at just the right time, a few days later. They had spent the end of the afternoon regrouping together in Levy's room and decided to spend the evening at the guild. Kana wanted wine, Levy and Juvia wanted to look for their love interests and she was just dying to needle Lucy a little more. She had noticed their blond friend had stopped looking morose and was more pensive. Apparently, they had finally got through to her. When they entered the hall, giggling over Juvia's antics and Kana's sarcastic replies, she was pleased to find Natsu already there. Yep, she would bug and hassle her tonight until she got up and talked to him. She had decided; Lucy would not leave this place without confronting him. She looked at her pointedly and threw her most predatory smile Lucy's way. She smiled back tentatively, a small grimace contorting her delicate features. Perfect. Her message went right through to her.

When Luxus suddenly called Natsu, Lucy started. She actually, literally jumped in her chair. They laughed, loud, heartfelt guffaws at her mortification. Damn, she really needed to relax.

— You shouldn't make fun of your friends," Lucy grumbled.

— Of course we can Sweetie," answered Kana. "When they're being ridiculous."

As for Natsu, she had no idea what he was talking about with Luxus but she was familiar enough with his body language. Right now it was screaming embarrassment and annoyance. She stared at Lucy long and hard until she leveled her eyes to hers. The others were giggling again and didn't pay them any attention.

— Stop it Erza. I heard you loud and clear," she huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

— Good," she answered pleasantly. "Because Natsu is coming our way." She saw a flash of panic in her eyes and her face paled. If not for their friends trapping her between them and the hard steely gaze piercing her and keeping her nailed on her chair, Lucy would have fled. There was no doubt in her mind. "Remember what I told you. Now pluck up and go tell him the truth."

A/N : Well, I hope I've finally managed to write this right because, good grief, she wasn't just in denial! She's scared stiff of ruining the best thing of her life; her friendship with Natsu. Can't blame her to get cold feet. I really, honestly, deeply hope I've done it right this time. I've given my best at the very least. With luck, it will turn out right.