[hi yi, it's yasuo]

[hope u're doing fine]

[i know it's been a long time but i need ur help. like, really]

[can't explain everything but got some problems at home. i left]

[atm i'm in the train to the city anddd idk where to go or stay]

[help me pls ? just information]

[and sry, for all this]

There, it was sent. A bit rushed, out of nowhere but Yasuo hoped it would be heard. And answered. Calm, in appearance, despite the several emotions plaguing him as time passed. Really, it was peculiar to reach for Yi. How long since the last time ? Face to face, it had been years, no idea exactly how much. By messages, also years but a lot less.

A shame, really. To lose contact with a friend like this but sometimes it happened. Too far, difficult to keep on conversations like before.

Now he felt bad, for bothering him like this. After years and years with merely a few words. But Yasuo had to. Such a difficult situation, not to know what to do then. Lost but it was his decision. Time to take responsibility, in several ways.

What he is doing now ?

Good question. Last time he asked, Yi had moved in another city to study but this was a long time ago. That same city he was going to. Yasuo hoped he was still in the area or truly he would have no anchor, starting point. Just him and his regrets.

More time went by and Yasuo started to think an answer would never come. Minute by minute, as landscape fled by the window and no other sign. He won't answer ? Too soon to say. Also it didn't take in count it had been years without talking. Maybe he wouldn't answer at all, too busy. Or he forgot about me. Or doesn't care at all.

Many possibilities and he wasn't ready for half of it. Too cruel, in such a sad time. Left with his thoughts, Yasuo felt again sadness well up. Nothing to distract him, save him from reality.

Alone. On his own. Indeed he could always find a way but now it really impacted him, to remember latest day, latest talk and all that happened. Too late to come back and anyway, he wouldn't. Determined to stay away for a time, let them be. It would hurt, as it did already but it had to be done.

Still, he hoped Yi would answer, give a few ideas to explore, where to go. This was already harsh enough for Yasuo. Don't cry, don't cry. It tied his voice, ready to spill but now wasn't the proper time. Would there be one anyway ? Maybe once he found a place to sleep. Not like it was the worst thing he had to endure. Life would go on, he would survive and his mother wouldn't have to struggle anymore.

Just, this would take time. To heal and to move on.

So arrived the end of a time, in Yasuo's life. Not really the end of childhood, it was already over for years. But rather the end of a cycle of struggles and difficult thoughts. It wouldn't go away that easily but the decision made was in this aim. Stop the cycle and hope to get better.

Yasuo left his home behind. His mother and brother.

Heart heavy and merely two bags for a sort of adventure meant to be difficult from the start. One he chose, aware of the uncertainty, many outcomes of such decision. Pain weighed a lot too. So to say, it wasn't easy to decide and follow.

Now came the question : why leave home ? Why under such stressful state of mind ? Why feel sad about it ?

It wasn't a quick choice. On the contrary, this was the result of years, decades. Nothing happened without reason. It wouldn't be a fast thing to explain such development.

Maybe some insight. What sparked such decision. That previous day, an argument went too far and some truths were left aloud in the rush. Many regrets too, after the outburst. For being a burden, for just a moment harming his brother, for making their life always so difficult. It struck so hard once he was left alone at home, while Yone and his mother went to the ER. So much silence, heavy judgement and loud thoughts.

The idea to leave wasn't young, spent some time already thinking about it. Not so seriously, depending on the time and his state of self-hatred. Truly the best thing to let them be, let them have a tranquil life since he seemed such a danger. They just had an example.

But this wasn't enough to explain. How could they get to such point ? No family was perfect, there was always some minor problem, skeletons in the basement. In their case, it was a matter of birth. Not truly an issue but right then it pushed to complex decisions, feelings of abandon and the path to problems.

If there was an origin for this decision of leaving, it would be found decades ago. Far indeed, for something of the sort yet it mattered. To be more accurate it was around twenty seven years ago, more or less.

And all returned to a happy couple.

Indeed they were, glad to have found each other, to believe in this one true love. Gentle couple, married a few years after they got the chance to meet. A modest woman and her sweet husband, the kind of union that wasn't contested for they looked so happy.

Next point was their first child, after a year. A boy named Yone. And all love was given to their kid, merry life going on.

Till one day she lost her husband in a car accident. Life was cruel sometimes. She, who had been so happy, feeling like her best years in life were given, lost a part of this dream. Loss shattered her heart, crying till she couldn't anymore. But all wasn't lost, she still had their child. Dear Yone, hers and his. Still, pain was part of every day, reminding her that they were just two now. No longer three. Home felt empty and probably part of her died that day. Despite everything, she clung to life, resolute to give her kid nice memories, not tinted by sadness.

It was so difficult to keep on though. Do as if part of her life wasn't missing. Even more difficult without the help from her husband. Still, her family helped.

Yone was barely one year old and half. So young, oblivious to the pain of his mother. She worked more, to afford living.

Some days, it was too much and she came to break. Hidding her pain would never have helped anyway. The world was cruel and so she ended up seeking comfort in someone's arms. To be held again, forget the pain. Remember how it was to be loved. Yes she loved her husband but now he was gone, leaving her alone with a baby. What else could she do when the cliff was too close ? Jump wasn't an option, she wouldn't forgive herself. But sometimes the pain got so strong and she found a man to make her forget. Not even sure what she would do later.

That man wasn't bad, something close to her lost husband's kindness. The strenght used in an embrace, warmth of a smile. She was so low in this pit of sadness, she just needed to feel affection again. And so she did, for a time. It didn't last long. Merely the time for her to see darkness leaving her thoughts and the ghost of her husband reminding it would never feel the same.

She couldn't go on like this, too aware. And anyway, that man made the decision quickly. He disappeared, as quick as he came in her life. Just for a time of gentleness, gone before the begining of spring. Again, her heart bled a little but nothing as close than the loss of her true love. At least she got to feel some affection.

Then she realized she was pregnant.

Many emotions took her that day, fear for the family, worry about what would be the next choice. Keep it ? Or not ? No illusions, her husband's family would never forgive her for 'falling' for another man, while freshly widowed. It would also intensify her struggle to make ends meet, already having a kid here, just for her to take care of.

All this on top of that old emptiness, to be alone again. Not truly, now. Two children. It would be difficult but she wanted to carry on, see what life would bring them later. See that other child. Her own family would probably pity her but she wanted to keep that child. Not out of contraint and else. Maybe she still hoped not to be alone in future years, that at least she would see her kids grow up.

About the father, she wouldn't care. He was gone, on purpose and probably she would never hear of him ever again. However. Life had taken worse from her, nothing could make it feel more miserable than the loss of her husband. Now it was time to keep fighting, stay alive.

Time passed and her second child was born. A second boy, named Yasuo. Already far more lively than his brother, almost three years old at the time.

Indeed her in-laws sent her out of the family, claiming she had nothing to do with them. For all the love and respect she had to her husband, it meant nothing for them. More tears these days but now she had two kids, making sure she wouldn't have some peace again. Which was appreciated at the time, she received tiny affection and she felt needed in this world, despite everything. Tiring but not alone.

Here was the base for this small family. A mother and two children, living as they could.

Circumstances of one's birth should never have an impact on growth but right then it did. At least for Yasuo, a bit less for Yone. Two kids, same mother but different fathers.

Problems started at school – if it could be considered problems – quite early. At first both were targeted by other kids, made fun of for having no father. Life was cruel, children weren't on purpose but it hurt all the same. Even as their mother did her best to educate them, help and give proper conditions of growth. It was difficult, quite poor and having no one but herself to make this happy family go. But she made it. The only difficulty was the outside world, perceptions by others and judgement.

Lying wasn't her way so she never did. Anyway, how could they miss the presence of someone who never stayed here ? Yone's father was dead and Yasuo's was gone. She didn't went into details, they were too young and couldn't grasp this properly.

Instead, it hit later, when they were teenagers. Both boys knew they weren't from the same father but whatever, they were from the same mother. Even if Yasuo kept the name of his mother, same for Yone. The problem started at school, with classmates. Again. All that implied, to have no father but 'worse', not to have the same. Rumors could run easily and kids never thought beyond. Mocking, else.

Yone was rather calm, seeming unbothered and he brushed everything off. Good student, it was easy to pick on him but not so much, he was still appreciated by most. Then few years later Yasuo would arrive at the same school and the fuss happened. He was smart, as much as his brother but he lacked the patience. His teachers would often say he had everything to be an excellent student except his behavior was an issue, sometimes disrespectful. Good grades, so not an easy target except for this fact, a second child from unknown father. Words ran and confronted several times, violence became his answer.

This was the visible reaction but innerly, it crushed him little by little. To hear that he was no one's kid, many delicate ideas thrown by classmates. Till it went too far and implied the worst. Unwanted, mistake. If Yone was difficult to hate, Yasuo had this peculiar behavior able to annoy anyone. So he paid for it and suffered.

Kids never really meant what they said. He heard this often but it stung. Unwanted kid, unknown father. How to hide pain ? Return it physically. So went his troubles at school, excluded sometimes but in the end his grades still let him continue till highschool. Also they called his mother, at a few occasions. But he refused to mention his problems. It wasn't fair for them, for his family but he kept it under silence. What if it was true ? Their mother still loved him a lot, as much than Yone.

Still, the gap grew wider. Yone, dear brother, the one sometimes defending him but so unaware of the depth of such torment. Yone, that he started to resent for the shadow cast. It was useless, he loved his brother but couldn't help that empty feeling. To see the 'real' child of this family, the wanted one. Not the son of no one. And teachers were so proud of him, he was doing great. Surely he could study whatever he wanted, given his grades, a grant to be expected. This was fine, he was happy for him. And so went his sadness, anger for being the error here. Hated by half the people at school, mocked sometimes, reminded everytime of how perfect Yone was. How cruel again, to be so loved only by two persons.

Even once Yone was at highschool, leaving him alone for a time, rumors never gave up. He endured in silence, rude as ever and playing tough. Anyway, maybe he really deserved this.

Following year, he found his brother again, this time in their local highschool and things changed. Not as hard, rumors couldn't be so effective and it was quite a big establishment, difficult to find again former classmates. Still, Yasuo couldn't escape his own behavior but at least it stayed quiet for some time. Not so despicable to bear.

There was another reason for these calmer years in highschool. It was during this time that he met Yi. From the same year than Yone and also a rather good friend. Of course, Yone was friendly and almost everyone he knew liked him. Yasuo came to meet Yi because he stayed around Yone during breaks, when he could. Not a lot of people would stay with him for long so it wasn't unusual to see him find Yone and spend some times when he could.

Here was Yi, even more quiet than his classmate, enough to think of him as the shy type. Kind, he came to learn later but not showing it often. Sometimes between classes it would just be the two brothers and Yi staying in a corner, under the stairs or else, chatting while he read.

Quiet, till they came to talk one time. It was nice, Yi never seemed to mind him. And strangely, it was soothing to be around someone so quiet. Especially for him, prompt to be loud, search problems and else. To sit still for some time was new, in complete silence. To be tolerated.

The year went and this became friendship. A peculiar one, that classmates pointed out but neither cared. At least it left Yasuo in a better mood. Also, he learned that he could have run into Yi earlier, since both of them practiced kendo at the time. Not on the same level but at the same place. Another point of conversation and sort of admiration. Maybe one of his first true friend in this difficult youth.

In comparison, this period wasn't so bad, his grades stayed good despite the reminders given for his behavior. Though it improved, not so bullied in these years. Sadness arrived when Yone and Yi finished highschool, leaving him behind. Just like death waiting someone till the end, Yasuo knew it would happen. To be alone again, seeing his brother and friend go to study elsewhere. In fact, Yone wasn't truly gone. He stayed home anyway and merely studied to university so it wasn't too drastic. Just now Yasuo had no one to stay around quietly, increasing sadness as the year went.

About Yi, it was more difficult. He left to study in another city, the big one around two hours of driving from there. It was next step for him. So Yasuo gave his goodbyes, keeping his phone number and melancholia of previous years.

They texted sometimes, wishing birthdays and checking on each other but since then they couldn't meet again. Till that day, contact was lost. No idea what Yi did of his life for the following years, if he finished a diploma, graduated or went to work fast. No idea. This situation of ignorance last till Yasuo seeked contact this day.

But let's focus back on what himself did since highschool.

If this time was rather calm and peaceful, better than school regarding interactions with classmates, it changed again after he finished highschool. Oh of course he made it, good grades and all, despite the sceptic opinion from half of his teachers. Not a bad kid but he would have to get serious and stay respectful if he intended to study. Which he didn't. Dropped studies as soon as he was free. Went on the usual cycle of kids his age, happy time of discovery and sociability. This was the difference since childhood, he could again return and do as his peers. Once eighteen, it was time to get wild, get lost and forget a little in the supposed spring of his life.

Going out late, coming back even later, able to live as he wanted. Their mother said nothing beyond her warnings, telling him not to go too far. The usual. At least only one of her kids was this social. Yone, not so much. First because he studied a lot, working hard but also because this wasn't really his preference. Go out and drink, etc. Knowing Yasuo and his nature to find troubles, one was enough for this family.

Some would say these years went to waste, other would say he enjoyed the best thing in life. No care for late future, now he could be happy for a while. Drink, forget how he hated himself sometimes, how he wasn't actually doing anything to help his poor mother. Clubs, dark rooms, temporary joy filling his heart to be drowned next morning. Also a time of intimate experiences. After finding himself too drunk to care, he found himself in men beds. Not truly a surprise, he rolled with it and so he could explore a bit. He was young, he could. His mother wouldn't hear nor ask about his late activities outside anyway.

Morning were rougher on him, headaches and some regrets. It was in there instants that it hurt the most. Once the night was gone with its laughs and happy times. While he went outside, Yone worked for his future. Their mother worked so they could live. And morning came, he found the gap between them. Wished he was drunk again, not see his own failure there. Good, Yone was always so dedicated, serious. And he watched from afar, the distance between him and his brother. Sometimes resentment came back, snaking its way in his mind. Hateful, to feel this, as much for him than for Yone. It wasn't fair, his brother did his best and he had no rights to be angry.

Maybe that was how it was meant to be. Yone succeeding and him staying behind. In his shadow.

Not a need of recognition here but deeper, a craving for love. Feel legitimate. Yasuo could have reached such point if he studied too but what was the point if anyway he wasn't really loved. It would change nothing. This was partially why he gave up his studies. It wasn't worth it, all was already clear since his birth. No way to change how it was. Their mother already had a brilliant child, one to be proud of. Her 'real' child.

And so went bitterness, for his dear brother asking nothing. Not even aware of this, while time passed. Yasuo carried on his nightly habits, trying so hard to forget even for a time that he was alone. Why fight and wish for the best ? From the start he was the second.

Not a word to their mother. He knew it would do no good, she struggled enough just to give them a decent life. Along love, affection and care. Growing up made him realize how difficult it was for her, so present and radiant yet life was cruel to her. Yasuo knew and couldn't find the right solution to lessen the burden.

Even more when he came to hate himself, to be the mistake of this small family. The reason their mother struggled so much. How despicable, to know she lost part of the other family just so she could keep him. A waste, truly. Ruined a little more. But not once she mentionned this, doing her best at raising her two sons.

Thinking about this, Yasuo's heart ached. At least on of them wasn't a waste of time and love.

Slowly this bitterness turned into anger. Against himself mainly, for not being able to help in any way. But against his mother, his brother. It wasn't their fault, things just were this way but deeply he still cried to be the unwanted. Just good at finding and bringing troubles. All this was meant to explode one day, building up till he couldn't hold back anymore. Horrible, to come to such point when he was the one unhelpful.

So it happened. Usual questions asked, what he would do later. If he was going to work or go on study again. Quiet questions because of course his mother was worried for him. Troubled kid, always coming back late or finding new reasons to quarel.

That one time, Yone took part in the discussion and everything went south. Lot of frustration coming up, tying his voice till he couldn't keep any of this. Result of years indeed, anger redirected to his family because himself couldn't contain it anymore.

Why were they expecting him to do better when Yone was already here ? Wasn't he enough ? He was everything their mother would want, a serious, respectful son, about to reach his dream and finish his studies. A son that never brought troubles. Her favorite.

Words escaped, got too loud and soon accusations. For being left aside, uncared even though she never said that. For being unwanted. Unfair, for the three of them but he was the one who had to carry this, endure as he had been mocked and laughed at.

It got so much under his skin, to hate himself for merely existing. So words hurt, shouted. And Yone, oh dear Yone, usually so composed yet this time he answered when the argument started. Violence was never a solution but Yasuo got to use it since childhood, going back on reflex. And so they fought, right there in their small flat.

He knew he deserved this, that Yone wouldn't let him say this kind of thing. As if it was their mother's fault. No, he knew the fault was his, for being a mistake but again he shouldn't have said that to her. So it brought his brother to physically stop him. That moment went too fast, yet Yasuo was sure he heard their mother beg them to stop. But in a pit of abandon, so easy to forget and fight back, as if he was wrestling his own hate. It came to end quickly, when he pushed Yone to a wall and it was enough to knock him out. Some blood too. The sight made him sick of himself, as much than seeing their mother coming to help Yone, now on the floor.

Life was cruel and sure it made him too.

Even know he could watch this again, their mother taking Yone to ER, though no doubt he would be alright. Left alone again, with his sins and regrets. To cool down and realize that this time he went too far. Bottling up was enver the right answer but what else could he do ? Yasuo was never good to deal with his own problems and it led them to this. Having hurt his brother, shocked his mother and probably made them resent him a bit more.

Returned to his room after frozen minutes on his spot, reality coming back. Then he broke, for these years of pain. To be such a failure, enough to bring them more troubles than they already had. He shouldn't have done that but it was too late.

Why was it so difficult ?

To make them understand that he was alone. That he had no one else and even within his own family it wasn't equal.

Why did he had to exist if it was to endure this ? To bring them pain, misfortune.

Why even bother keeping a future child if it was to hurt like this later ?

Why why why ?

In this sort of instant, he wished he wasn't there. Never or away. Possibly the only outcome where they wouldn't suffer too much because of him. So leaving seemed right. Last chance to make at least one good decision, for them. It became more clear as hours went, alone with his thoughts and no more tears to pour.

It would hurt but it was already the case before. Now he could to something right, help. Let them be, as this family should have stayed.

Later he heard them return but he feared to go and check on his brother. Deeply scared of whatever their mother would say, sharp words and shaky disappoinment. It hurt, he went and saw. Indeed Yone was alright, merely a hard hit and light wound. Nothing to worry about. But now it was time to think about consequences. Yasuo fled to his room before a talk could even happen.

Staying there for the night, impossible to get enough sleep. Restless, sure of his decision, he gathered clothes and his small belonging in two bags. To leave next day. Better go away while he wanted to, no need to risk and coward. Then everything would be alright.

No plan for later, he would see once he was gone.

Next day, Yasuo waited till the other two were gone to work. It was sad, maybe disrespectful but he couldn't bear to talk face to face after what he caused. A note left in the kitchen, explaining quickly then he hoped for the best. Regrets weren't holding him back, rather pushing him forward. He had to go, to stop being a burden and failure there. Maybe he could start again somewhere else and do better.

Sadness still weighed over his heart, this was like leaving his younger self behind. At least it was right. Door locked, keys in the mailbox and good bye.

Easy no ? To leave one's home, merely a glance behind. So ended his lost youth, on an agonizing yet oddly relieving note. No doubt it would hurt a lot more later. For now he just went on his way for this new adventure.

More time fled and Yasuo swung between determination and strong emotion at the limit of tears. It was difficult, he knew it wasn't even the worst to come but if he distracted himself long enough, it would be alright. Just needed to focus on something else.

Yet he couldn't help but imagine. How terrible they would react once they learn he left. Just a note, nothing more. Tonight he would break again, no doubt. A storm to come. At least he was sure she wouldn't be able to actually change his mind. No way for her to come and search him, not if she stayed reasonable. Though stubborness sure was a family trait. Would she ? This was also why he decided to move to another city. Put enough distance.

Hoping they would accept his decision, some temporary sadness for a better future. Who knew ? Maybe he would come back once he settled somewhere, found a job or anything else. It was too far and uncertain to plan.

She will be sad…

A bit pretentious from him to say that she always prefered Yone between her two sons, when he was aware of all the motherly love given. No doubt it would be hard for her at first, to understand and to move on. Just thinking about it, he could be sad again.

Yone, maybe less but they remained brother. He would understand his decision and would give a warm goodbye.

Suddenly, something ripped him out of his thoughts. Notification, a text received. Right on, his heart skipped a beat, checking hastily the message. Yi ?

[Hello Yasuo, happy to hear from you.

My apologies, I couldn't answer or even see your message earlier.

But I'd gladly help you.

Right now I'm working and I won't be available before 6:30 PM. How about we meet downtown after work ? Tell me when you can.]