Don't ask, don't ask…
A mere call and now Yasuo lived these hateful memories again and again, never left in peace. The last time he saw his mother, or Yone. The last time he used violence and the most despicable.
It hurt and it felt cold, as if there was no bright future now. All returned to his actions.
And Yi asked what was wrong. Everything. It didn't even start with his own birth, too many things that brought him there.
The latter wouldn't understand. Maybe try his best but he couldn't possibly find reasons in that mess. He would judge, like everyone did before.
Yasuo did his best, to bottle up till there was nothing left to see.
« Nothing. » Quick, direct. Praying everything that he wouldn't push further. Phone put away, so he could focus on anything else. Yasuo returned to finish his food, busy his mind.
No fast reply but he could still feel Yi's gaze on him. Still, quiet, looking at him as if it would answer his questions. Heavy to bear, to know he was the target of such deep thoughts.
Would there be any kind of peace one day ? For him ? Was it even allowed ? Every time it felt like he would chose the best he could – for himself and everyone else – but it failed and made the situation worse.
Even right now, after running away for his family's safety. It was supposed to be the best decision yet it got so difficult to carry on. Pain was always there. At least he wouldn't truly regret that choice, escape or not they heard everything he tried to hide.
A sigh came up. Given the silence between them, it turned out rather loud. Yasuo braced himself for anything, in no way it could be good.
« By now, I would have hoped we were perfectly honest wiht each other. It seems that I was mistaken. » A bit sharp but to be expected. Yi couldn't be fooled so easily. Still, he spoke softly : « Tell me, is it about your family ? »
It never changed, Yasuo couldn't lie about the most personal things. Not when it hurt him that bad, impossible to seem normal.
« I don't want to talk about it. » Only thing he could get out before his voice broke. What a shit show it would be, to have the incoming break down right here. It was meant to happen but not here. Not for Yi to witness.
Far from happy. Neither could do much right now. Yasuo was that close to let go and the latter couldn't really help or anything. A bit unfair for them. Because Yi respected that, the need to avoid certain topics and he wouldn't force him. But it was so obvious it wasn't alright.
Confirmed by the following minute. Nothing said, just silent acknowledgment of this pain. Yi knew enough, about his reasons to leave, the fight. Just this, nothing too deep.
Yasuo wanted to be left alone, at least to have a door between him and anyone else. As much as he was glad to have a roof and place to sleep, pain became too much.
He stood and went to clean his plate, wash the dishes before indeed finding safety. By pure habit and urge not to bother his host, he did all he could, be it in small tasks like this.
« Wait, I can take care of it. »
Yasuo would have answered no but he feared for any emotion to slip in the tone. No need to make the latter more worried than he was. So he merely stayed there, cleaning all that was left in the sink.
No way for Yi to directly meet his gaze, that was for the best. He merely came back once to get the latter's plate and resumed in heavy silence.
That time, Yi stood and joined him. He could hear, as he tried to keep his back to him. Faintly hidding, without much hope. Say nothing, please.
Instead, he was gently nudged to move aside, allowing Yi to take his place.
« Really. Let me. » Nothing harsh in his voice, all so calm compared to Yasuo's thoughts.
No way to fight him in his own home, he let Yi do as he wished. Light warmth of an instant, for the small gesture. Gone as quick.
Without focus at all, Yasuo stayed there, by the latter's side and caught himself before it could even become something else. New wave of sadness, suffocating emotion. With quick steps he went out, not even sure where he could go.
On reflex he finished in the living room, strange state of conciousness where everything hurt so it seemed distant. Like watching himself from afar. Empty yet overwhelmed by negativity. No light for now. Yasuo came to wonder how he could have felt safe or even happy during the day.
Now it was a long fall and he feared the instant he would meet the ground. The most painful. Right then he came so close already.
Distance was enough for now. He hoped he could take a bit more before surrending, once the day was over and Yi went to bed. Too early. They barely had dinner and some time remained no matter if the latter went to sleep early or not.
Sitting on the couch, he did nothing. But in his mind many things happened at once. Lingering sadness, fluctuating, like waves hitting the cliff. It never stopped.
Why did she call ? The last thing he wanted in this world but at the same time, it was logical. Yasuo remained one of her kids, she would worry or be angry, whatever. Of course she would call. But he hated this, to have to admit once more his problems. To voice his pain that took care to gnaw him over the years.
Part of him wanted to be angry at her, for even trying to reach. Because it still meant he mattered. Not matter his actions, no matter their struggle. No matter what he inflicted to them.
All this was supposed to be left behind the second he walked away, closed the door. Going forward. Yet past still clung to him and it would never leave him at peace. It was for the best, why did she struggle to understand that ? It was for their own good.
« You forgot your phone on the table. »
Sudden as it yanked him out of his thoughts. Yasuo registered the latter's presence, missed till he made himself known. How could he have so low awareness ?
Something in his stance or expression must have been too telling, open, since Yi froze too.
« Ah, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. » Soothing gestures, as if to calm any possible threat he represented. But it was so far from what he thought.
At least it calmed Yasuo a little, to see his friend despite his fear of showing anything. At the same time, that reaction meant he failed. Yi saw him, maybe vulnerable, maybe angry. It didn't matter.
« No, don't worry. » It was so difficult to say this, risking his tone to betray anything. Shit. Now words made sense. « Err I'll go get it later. »
No need to fuel his sadness, especially now that it got a little more calm, low. Maybe he trusted Yi enough to be safe, slightly relaxed. But it didn't lessen the pain, still clawing his heart open. To look for his phone would be like self-harm, too tempting to just see if any message was received.
Funny how he came to forget about it for a time, as if his mind tried to help protect a little.
The mood got slightly better, while Yi came to sit on the couch too. Not so far. Short contact for a time, meant to soothe and it nearly made Yasuo jump. A hand on his shoulder, comforting as it could be.
« It's alright. » Quiet, maybe seeking for the best word in this kind of tense moments. « Just let me apologize for earlier. I won't bother you with that unless you wish to talk. Now the topic is closed. »
Nothing else to add. Even less since Yasuo didn't want to go this way. So it was for the best, the latter making it clear he didn't have to share anything. And that gesture told too that he wanted to help. All he could ask.
The evening went a little better since that incident, for Yasuo's relief. Doing his best to forget or at least put aside any thoughts about what was happening at his former home.
Yi seemed to take at heart to provide a distraction, in the limits of what he had around. Many movies to watch, though the selection wasn't so large to his own taste. Yasuo thought it was fine.
Not his habit to stay quietly 'at home' for a saturday night but this was a whole new place. No way to know where he could go out. And it wasn't really correct, he still had to find a more stable situation before thinking about his nightly habits.
So they settled for a movie, since Yi as he explained didn't work next day. He could stay up later.
It was almost nice. To be right here, focusing on more happy things. For now he had a place to sleep and even be welcome by a friend. That same day he had been crushed by anxiety for the uncertaincy of his situation but it got better. Beyond what he expected.
It led him there, to be comfortably sitting on a couch, worries calmed for a few days.
Yasuo could maybe hope for the best. Until he was alone again for sleep time, after Yi resumed his routine and wished him a good night. Then silence, darkness.
He wasn't complaining, he had a blanket, a pillow and the dear hope to be paid a late visit by Lily. All would be alright.
The only mistake was to check his phone. Several messages and missed calls. From his mother and Yone.
He's crying ?
Faint noises heard, in the too silent flat. Yet he was sure. It couldn't be something else.
Once more, worry struck back but there was nothing to do. His heart ached as he returned to sleep.