Right now ? AHHHH !
This had been going on in his mind since Yi initiated contact and not once it calmed down. Already a miracle that Yasuo didn't move on reflex but maybe that was true, his body still relished whatever contact he may find.
Nothing serious, merely an arm taking him closer and staying there. Yet he couldn't let this pass easily.
Calm down, calm down damnit.
Now Yi made a large gesture to invite him. He even voiced the offer, with a tone difficult to get except a hint of kindness possibly.
Yasuo froze on the spot, loud thoughts making a fuss while the latter waited for an answer, whatever.
Why react like this ? It was just a hug. Just a hug ! And already too much. Maybe because it was Yi who offered or because of the whole topic he didn't know existed.
Naturally tactile ? Yasuo understood what he meant and could tell it was true. This sort of yearning never stopped, always pushing to reach for anyone close. By close, familiar. Friends for a night would do, for that specific kind of contact but anything worked for him otherwise.
To realize how clingy he could get had been quite a fall when he was younger. Suddenly he was hyper aware of any sort of touch, reaching he initiated and seeked without knowing it.
So his friend had noticed that too, back in their years. Impossible to know if that was too obvious or even incorrect. But as Yi said, it didn't bother him back then. Good thing to know, at least he wasn't much the disaster he thought to be.
It meant everything and nothing at the same time. Accepted. The latest words still bounced in his mind along old memories, looking for a time he could have slipped or whatever. Yasuo prayed hard he never got too far. But indeed he would remember it.
Time fled without an occasion to stop it and Yasuo had a start of panick for his own lack of answer. What did he want ? Yes or no ? Of course yes but would it bother Yi ? He wouldn't offer if it was annoying. This debate threatened to be heard.
And Yasuo stayed there, overly tense and gaze stuck down there. Answer !
« We don't have to, if that's not— »
The second he saw Yi start to withdraw, Yasuo let whatever stupid thoughts he had aside and rushed, embracing him quickly. Not even the time for the latter to take his offer down or finish his sentence. Now he had a rather flustered Yasuo in his arms, trying his best to hide his face.
Here came the aftershock. Usually when he acted on reflex, he was sure to regret it as soon as the rush was over. It left him in a great mix of embarrassment, panick and small joy for still finding contact.
Because it was good. Very very good. Part of him relaxed instantly despite being a little tense for this awkwardness he displayed.
Heart skipping a beat the instant Yi recovered a little from the sudden move and welcomed him closer. Why did he hesitate ? It didn't make sense now that he could bask into contact. Although Yasuo made sure not to be seen, face hidden from the latter. It was already mortifying enough to be offered a hug because his friend remembered he worked that way. Ah… Shame could beat him down at night, this wasn't meant to last long.
How long ?
No idea. Maybe it was just polite and it would be better to let go very soon. For the best, really. It would be a shame to read to much in that invitation.
And Yi said nothing, at all. For this there was a certain relief, he wasn't ready to face reality. To acknowledge outloud how clingy he was.
In the end, it last about one minute then Yasuo parted by himself, embrace going loose till he sat back on his previous spot. It was important to point out the effort made to seem casual, like this was perfectly normal. Yet he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact yet.
« Thank you. » Not it was said, he could do as if he was actually touch starved and pretend to be normal again.
« No problem, really. I guess it's nice to have sometimes. » It sounded light, rather innocent on this topic.
So nothing to worry about. Yasuo hoped this would stay this way, keeping this under silence.
For once he wasn't able to talk and make conversation. Words were gone, busy burrying his shame and yearning side by side. Completely silent, Yasuo stayed on the couch in what would look like zoning out. But he was still here.
In any case it didn't seem to faze Yi to see him so muted. With enough luck he understood such topic wasn't the easiest. And he let it happen, not questionning further.
That was what Yasuo thought until the latter asked lowly.
« If you need another time, tell me. » It came out too soft to be like a joke or anything like this. No doubt Yi meant it.
Before Yasuo could answer, the latter stood after patting his shoulder. Last contact. Then Yi left quietly, probably he still had things to do. After all, he barely came back from his day of work.
Slowly the latest gesture was registered. Good thing the latter left him alone, he wouldn't have to hide that very light blush. A sigh escaped him, tension gone. Goodbye. What a rollercoaster indeed. And now that it was over, Yasuo felt like craving again that short contact. Have a taste and die till the next one. If he could hope for it. Well, Yi said he could ask but would he ? No, for now.
Come on. To seem so affected would be bad so he fought whatever he was feeling in the instant. It became urgent to get busy.
Quite a peculiar start for an evening but it could have gone worse. That was what Yasuo thought, finding whatever distraction he could to avoid his inner scream. It would have to wait sleep time.
The good part, it completely made him forget his own family troubles, too focused on his fucked up need for contact. That one would follow him till the grave.
After dinner and its rather normal conversation, the routine started again and he was getting used to it. Take a shower, hear Lily meowing behind the door, playing time in the living room. Life. Yi would stay in the room too, spending his free time on the internet till he had to go to bed.
That moment was gentle, when he gave his goodnight to Lily since she looked like staying here for now. Happy cuddle, that Yasuo saw silently. A fresh memory indeed of what he received that same day.
Then he and Lily were left there. Yasuo wished him good night too then he was alone with that cat. Not his bed time yet, he could still stay up. But it wasn't exactly the same. One person less and the room seemed colder. He wouldn't cry on this, it was better to know Yi would have his sleep.
So went his evening and night, on the internet and sometimes playing with Lily when she had too much energy for this time.
Soon he felt tired too and moved the couch for sleep time.
It was time to remember the day and die of shame again.