Hello, there. First of all, if you missed it, this is a CRACK fic in which both Gintama and Bleach universes converge into one. I took some characters from Gintama and put them as part of Soul Society because I'm bored and I can. Also, because I love quirky comedy, I made Hitsugaya's relationship with Kurotsuchi different.
They prank each other. A lot. Obviously, because they hate each other. So that's how the premise of this fic was made.
Also, forgot to say this is also a crossover with FFVII. This was obviously written in the summary, but just in case.
Remember once more: this is a CRACK fic and AU. I hope you like it and please comment!
Hitsugaya Toushiro was in a bad mood. Wait, that wasn't true. There were a whole lot of things that made the little Captain moody –like Matsumoto's uselessness or nagging on her job–, but none of them could compare to something like this. No, he wasn't in a bad mood; he was pissed.
It all started with a prank that went too far. He didn't truly mean it, but then again it was Kurotsuchi –you could never be sure if you took things too far.
It was a normal day at his office –him, working with piles of paperwork that Matsumoto neglected–, when nature called and he decided to take a breather outside. And what an unpleasant surprise was coming back to his office to discover all his paperwork turned into butterflies. After a long pranking history, he immediately knew who was responsible.
"KUROTSUCHI!"
Oh, he thought after calming down. The vengeance will be terrible.
However, he didn't mean it to make it that terrible. It was a bit of a miscalculation on his part, he would admit.
He borrowed from Katsura Kotaro an old bomb he had, took it to Gengai so he could make it non-deadly or something –just the exact deadly for a prank–and detonated it inside Kurotsuchi's lab while he and the other scientists were away. What he didn't know was that inside a cabinet was Kurotsuchi's latest research on a teleportation device that would help Shinigamis and the likes escape in case they encountered a too powerful was surprisingly thoughtful on Kurotsuchi's part and even Yamamoto was pleasantly surprised.
And speaking of the Commander, he already knew of this project and was happily waiting for Kurotsuchi's work which would –spoiler– blow up along the lab. Yeah, he should've thought twice before trusting Gengai's competence. He always made things way too explosive for his liking and that specific bomb was supposed to just release a putrid gas; an ugly odor that would stay at the lab for a long time. The bomb did that andalso exploded.
So, long story short, he terribly screwed up and felt for the first time in a while like a misbehaved child in front of the Commander's disappointed eyes. He still couldn't believe his luck: the prank going wrong and Kurotsuchi actually inventing something useful for once.
The ice Captain was planning on actually apologizing to the mad scientist –and wouldn't that have been a sight– but said scientist acted faster and set up a revenge plan. He had read thoroughly about a new mission –something about a new planet with very serious unevenness reiatsu levels that had to be studied with caution– and convinced the Commander that Hitsugaya Toushiro was the man for the job. It was petty revenge, but still: a) the small Captain would be sent to another planet and hopefully die or something b) he would get time to research new prank ideas and finally have some leverage in this stupid –but entertaining– war they've been at for years.
So, in summary, Kurotsuchi was satisfied with his half-assed next idea of a prank and Hitsugaya wanted to kick himself for even thinking about apologizing.
"Since when do we take missions to other planets?" Hitsugaya had asked aghast, as he leafed through the mission's details. Not even two days had passed, before he was surprised with this unexpectant turn of events.
"Since the Amanto invaded Earth and started making contact with us? Yeesh, Captain, you are so slow today." Kurotsuchi was calmly drinking tea, as if the whole issue was of little interest or totally ordinary.
"No, seriously," Hitsugaya's voice started to sound slightly frantic –much to the scientist's sadistic glee. "I've never heard about missions outside our planet. This is totally new and there's no methodology or precedent that I'm aware of and hell if I'm going to trust you in teleporting me to the right place-" he widened his eyes, suddenly realizing, much to Kurotsuchi's amusement. "Wait! Are you seriously going to use me as a guinea pig for your teleportation device?! Is this checked?"
"Of course it is!" Kurotsuchi gleefully pat his back, ignoring the other Captain's icy glare. "Don't worry, you're going to be just fine. Maybe. You're leaving in two days."
"This documents say that I'm going with three other people," Hitsugaya said with fake calm. He prevented himself from sighing, as he ominously glared at the scientist. "Who are this people?"
Kurotsuchi's already wide smile widened further.
"Yo," dead fish eyes greeted him with a lazy wave.
Hitsugaya stared back with a careful blank face at the… acquaintance, who had come along with the other two kids. Always joined at the hip, those three. It wasn't that Hitsugaya disliked them –it was more… the mission. Right. The mission would undoubtedly be a failure with those three.
"So," the small Captain started, without even paying attention anymore to Kurotsuchi's triumphant face, "these are going to be my…partners." His shoulders slumped dejectedly, already surrendering to his fate.
"Sakata Gintoki and this two are of the few people in here that had travelled to other planets and even through time. You'll learn from them; they have experience," Kurotsuchi gave him a mocking smile.
"Yeah! You'll learn from the experts," the China girl cheered, pointing at herself.
"Not now, Kagura-chan," the glasses boy –Shinpachi, Hitsugaya recalled– sighed, while the supposed adult of the group was picking his nose.
Kami, give me patience, was the mantra Hitsugaya would keep repeating to himself for the next days.
"Now!" Kurotsuchi suddenly clapped, pulling Hitsugaya off from his thoughts. "This here," he pulled out from nowhere a simple looking oval object with a screen on top, "is the teleportation device I've created. Don't ask for a name because I have no idea nor great desire to put a name on it. Just call it whatever."
"Sadaharu 248!" Kagura exclaimed excitedly.
Hitsugaya sweat dropped. Just how many Sadaharus has she had?
"Sure. Let's call it that," Kurotsuchi agreed easily. "Now, I'll explain how this works. When you reach destination we'll maintain contact via cellphone and Hitsugaya here will explain you all details of the mission."
The scientist was very clear in his explanation and didn't need to repeat himself. It was basically like using a cellphone, except the only information you had on screen was the planet you were in and the time and date. And –obviously– the option of travelling to any planet the device recognized. They also –with the help of other scientists and even Gengai and Ukitake– prepared other type of provisions for the journey.
"I guess we should get going then," Hitsugaya Toushiro announced and activated Sadaharu 248. He, along his new companions, disappeared in a flash of white light.
The continuous silence of the desert was interrupted by a sudden and deafening whirr. Clashes of colors –green, red, blue and white– were projected in the sky; a beautiful and abnormal event that lasted less than a minute, before the colorful swirls of light united and crumpled down to form on land an oval shape of white light. As if it was a door, a white-haired kid –with strikingly foreign features– passed through. His expression was focused –in an almost predatory way– attentive to any sign of danger; but his concentration was immediately ruined, when another three figures emerged, awkwardly bumping and falling over the "kid".
"Get off!" Hitsugaya flapped both arms uselessly, his back uncomfortably squashed by Gintoki's muscly body.
"Ouch! Don't push on me like that, Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi, who was on Gintoki –who was on Hitsugaya–, turned his head over his shoulder to glare at her, but was surprised by the new furry addition.
"Wha- when did Sadaharu come?!" he spluttered
"Arph!" The giant dog spoke up, as if reaffirming his presence.
Hitsugaya sighed heavily, as they all slowly got up; the portal already having disappeared.
"Is everyone all right?" Shinpachi asked, once he was done dusting off the sand from his outwear.
Gintoki threw a glance to his partners, who had instinctively gathered in a circle with him. "I see no extra limbs attached. I guess that should count for something."
"We still don't know for sure," the Captain pointed out dryly. "At least this thing–"
"Sadaharu 248!" Kagura chirped in.
Hitsugaya twitched, but didn't comment. "…at least it indicates that we are at the right planet, Gaia."
Gintoki looked around them, very unimpressed. "Still, of all places to land, it had to be on a desert? It doesn't evoke me good memories."
The small Captain showed his agreement with a slight nod. "If this planet is similar to Earth like the files say, there should be a preferable climate zone outside this one. If it's cold, better."
Shinpachi looked at him sympathetically. "Right, you have ice powers, after all. Are you going to be all right, Hitsugaya-san?"
"For now," he replied, already feeling a bit tired. "What truly worries me is that I feel my link with Hyorinmaru weaker. He's still there and I hear him, but it's blurry."
Gintoki looked pensive."It must have something to do with the planet's energy. It kinda feels…" he frowned, "unstable."
Without even meaning it, that last word triggered a memory in the Captain. The real reason for this unusual mission.
Hitsugaya had just finished reading and processing the mission's details, when he decided to visit the creepy scientist at his office.
"I see you have questions," the scientist spoke up –already feeling Hitsugaya's presence in his office– while he was writing down some notes.
Impassively, the Captain tossed his files before Kurotsuchi's eyes. "There's something about this mission you aren't telling me."
Kurotsuchi finally looked up at him with those eerie eyes of him. "Nothing escapes you, huh. I see why the call you a prodigy–"
Hitsugaya's gaze sharpened. "I don't have time for useless chit-chat. Answer me."
Kurotsuchi, as if not bothered by the other's interruption, got up from his chair and turned his back to the Captain; hiding this way his tense expression.
"That planet, Gaia, has an expiration date."
The air in the office suddenly seemed too constricted, a suffocating moment of silence portraying the density of the message. "You mean," Hitsugaya breathed out," it's dying?"
Kurotsuchi nodded somberly and finally turned to face him. There was a solemn air around him that was highly unusual for him. "As you know, a few decades ago Gengai –and the other idiot, Urahara– founded the Astronomy Department. At first, I didn't truly care about it, but now I admit –that with all the technological advances and the imminent threat of a new hostile Amanto invasion– the existence of this institute has its level of importance–"
"I know all that," Hitsugaya cut in impatient, wondering why was it that all scientists spoke too much. "Get to the point."
For the first time in the conversation, Kurotsuchi showed signs of annoyance in his body language. "The point is that they discovered in an almost deserted galaxy a small planet that resembles Earth."
Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow, unconvincevely. "A deserted galaxy?"
"Yes, by deserted I mean that it's not even frequented by Amanto. Most planets there have no intelligent life and it's not even a good route for trading or a strategic point or whatever. So I guess you could imagine my surprise with this discovery."
The office suddenly turned colder. "So that's it?" the Captain's voice was frigid. "You're sending me and other three poor souls to a planet we know nothing about, just for a curiosity?"
"Don't be stupid," Kurotsuchi said, almost offended. "Do you think the Commander would allow this if that was the case?"
The ice Captain forced himself to regain his calm. "Then why," he breathed out.
"Because," and this time Kurotsuchi smiled, "if we investigate the cause for this planet's imminent death, we'll have the tools to prevent our planet's death."
Hitsugaya's expression turned noncommittal. "You think something like that could happen on Earth?"
"It will," Kurotsuchi somberly assured. "And if not, then at least we'll be prepared."
"Oi, Toushiro," a lazy voice called. "Oi!"
"Don't call me 'Toushiro'," was the Captain's answer in autopilot, slowly coming to the present. He had been staring intensely at the sky without even noticing.
"Well, now that Pazu over here has stopped looking for Laputa, we should think about where to go next," the silver haired samurai trailed off, not bothering with asking the ice Captain what that was about.
Hitsugaya appreciated that one of Gintoki's few qualities was not getting in other's business, unless it was truly necessary. And it helped that the other two kids were sensible enough and played along, not asking too many questions. It was a pity, though, that the three of them were scoundrels most of the time –Shinpachi not too much, though. They were, however, good partners for pranking. Oh, yes, throughout the last years him and the Odd Jobs had built a kind of business relation based on pranking Kurotsuchi. Now that he thought about it, it was possible that Kurotsuchi had discovered his partners in crime and decided to send them away too. He absently made a mental note to investigate that back at home.
"Guys, can you also feel a few human souls that way?" Shinpachi, always the silence breaker, asked, pointing a direction.
They could all, in fact, feel it.
"So there are humans even here, huh. Papi was right, saying your species is a plague," Kagura spoke, while chewing on some sukonbu she had pulled out from her chest area.
"I think he's frustrated because those earth products for hair growth I sent to him didn't work out," Gintoki said in a pensive manner.
Hitsugaya pinched the bridge of his nose –both affected by the heat and the thought that he would have to get used to the company of these bizarre idiots.
"Let's just get out of here," the Captain huffed, uncomfortable with the clammy feeling of sweat rolling down his body. He took out from underneath his haori a small metallic case and opened it. Inside, there were several capsules. "Gengai gave me this. He somehow managed to put big objects in this tiny capsules."
"Oi, doesn't that remind you of something? I think Bulma invented something like that," Gintoki said uneasily.
"That's because she did," Shinpachi asserted. "It's a total rip off of DB."
Hitsugaya frowned. "What are you guys on about?"
"Practically everything at this point is a rip off of DB," A known voice suddenly spoke up. The Odd Jobs and the Captain looked down at the Sadaharu 248 device only to find a grinning Gengai occupying the whole screen.
"Old man!" Kagura waved energetically.
"Have you been hearing us all this time?" Hitsugaya asked, uncomfortable at the notion.
"Yes!" Gengai declared shamelessly. "I added this communication function to see your faces. Of course, you still have your phones, but I prefer this."
"You sound like a sappy grandad that wants to see his grandchildren face to face all the time," Shinpachi said abashed. "Someone kill me, please."
"You're already dead, uh-huh," Kagura reminded him in a pretentious grave tone.
"Oh, right."
"All of you. Shut up," Hitsugaya, feeling testy enough by being stranded in the middle of the hot desert, said in a tone that left no room for discussion. "Gengai, is there a capsule with any means of transport?" He asked, wiping off some sweat with the back of the hand.
"Capsule n.8 has Ginnoji's scooter in it," the inventor affirmed.
"What about the other capsules?" Shinpachi asked, regarding them noncommittally.
"It'll depend with how the plot progresses."
Hitsugaya paid them no mind and took out the capsule. He pressed on the small cap and puff: Gintoki's white scooter appeared in thin air.
"This really is convenient," Gintoki said in wonder. He walked to it and took the helmet that was propped on one of the handles. "I have room for one of you."
"I'll go with Kagura on Sadaharu," Hitsugaya said, glancing at her and receiving a nod. He'd never liked motorcycles or anything of the like.
"Then it's decided. Hop on, Patsuan."
Shinpachi procedded to do just that, while Kagura and Hitsugaya were set on Sadaharu. Gintoki straddled his scooter and revved up the engine.
The journey had just started.