Basically Yasuo's day was already fucked before it even started. Right now it was a bit past one in the afternoon, the perfectly normal time to wake up. Really, he blamed himself a little for staying up late last night but he needed that energy. It was saturday.
The reason why he felt like shit just at the waking was a message. Just a small notification on his phone for a text received earlier. From his mother. No…
After such difficult weekend and week, he didn't need that. Life wasn't too bad but right then he didn't feel so fine about certain topics. So to received a text from his mother wasn't exactly relaxing. He remembered what he had done to her, to them and it still haunted him harshly. Just when he had tried to forget after it came up in the week.
There he was, lying on the couch and all energy left as soon as he saw the message. Yasuo didn't feel good, about it and about everything going on in his life since the beginning. He wondered why it would always come back to kick him.
Why ?
On the other hand, Yasuo knew too well that he couldn't flee forward forever. At some point he would have to apologize and talk, no matter how painful it was going to be. No matter the outcome. It was like opening a cupboard knowing very well that half of the dishes would fall and break. Better push it for later to prevent pain but it wasn't sustainable. I can't…
Yet a move was needed. Almost three months had passed since he had left 'home' and not once he gave a proper goodbye, an explanation for all this. His mother deserved to know. Yasuo couldn't avoid this. Since she had made another attempt at reaching for him, it was an occasion to talk.
I don't want to. It felt like survival instinct kicking in to prevent more harm. That dread day had been horrible and he wasn't ready to live something similar. Yet he had to.
For now he ignored it, lying in bed as if it would solve all his problems. It wouldn't. Fleeing wasn't a solution. Eyes closed, he tried to fall back to sleep but failed. Anxiety was there and kept him awake. Innerly he couldn't avoid the fact that his mother had messaged him. It impacted him physically, ache within his body that had no reason to be there otherwise. It hurt.
After maybe ten minutes struggling to ignore the burning topic, he gave up for a time and got up to eat. He was still hungry but frighteningly not as much as he was supposed to be after a full night. Still, he went in the kitchen to grab something quick to eat.
Right there he found Lily, seemingly busy with her own food. That peaceful scene didn't make Yasuo more cheerful though.
After he sat down and ate, the cat came to push against his leg for attention, meowing loudly.
« Sorry peanut, not in the mood. Go back to sleep. » Even to humor her was difficult, he couldn't forget about the text and what he had to do. Eventually he would do it, he knew it. Every minute was heavy on his mind.
All this was a distraction to buy himself more time. It was stupid, if really he didn't want to do it he could coward and put it for another day. Yet he was half-way through the process, merely trying to avoid this goddamn task. Yasuo even went to clean the flat a little to keep himself busy, unwilling to think about it. However thoughts remained focused on his mother.
What was she doing ? How was Yone ? Was everything fine now that he was gone ? Or maybe the opposite ? One person less was still good, especially because he never truly contributed to rent or bills before.
Until there was no other way around. He sat there, on the closed couch, staring at his phone as if it could self-destruct to save him the trouble. This wasn't likely. It hurt even more, ache squeezing his heart viciously. The only good side would be that after a single call, he would feel better. He hoped it would.
Do it. Fucking do it. Now.
Just a call then he would have accomplished more than in two whole months and half.
Taking a deep breath, Yasuo kicked this fear down and grabbed his phone, actually doing it. His heart was beating too loudly, he feared it might even stop him from that. Number typed then it was done, he was calling her. Then he was already feeling like about to die.
Panick hit. The reflex was to stop the call as quick, before it would ever be picked up. He stayed there, frozen on the spot, tense. Fear was too strong, he didn't move from that. Then his mother took the call.
« Yasuo ? »
How since the last time he heard her voice ? Yasuo could still recognize it despite the call and already it hurt to sense this urgence when saying his name. Worry was too clear.
« Mom ? » It hurt even more to say it. Was that even needed ? Of course it was her, he couldn't be calling someone else. His brain needed to realize.
What followed wasn't exactly a pause, it was too short but still enough to register the time to feel and gather courage.
« How are you doing ? » It was rather normal to ask, as someone would when checking on relatives and close family. In their exact situation, it was still strange.
Yasuo didn't know how to react right now, he hadn't planned anything about what would happen once he called. So he did the most simple thing and answered truthfully.
« I-I'm fine, I'm fine. And you ? » And Yone ? He feared to ask about his brother, so far the conversation wasn't on their problems.
« A bit tired, I suppose. Are you…are you still living at your friend's place ? » Something in her tone was screaming kindness, an attempt at doing like always. As if their family wasn't torn apart because of him.
It was already too much, he couldn't pretend for so long. Yasuo was trembling lightly, trying hard not to get overwhelmed with sadness, anger and fear. Too many things bubbled up but none of it was useful.
« Yup. Still there. Yi's very nice, he let me stay as long as I need. Don't worry, I found a small job to pay him back. » No way not to justify himself, it sounded quite selfish to say a dear friend sheltered him for so long without anything in return.
« Good. »
Again a pause arrived, this time a bit longer. Yasuo panicked again, he wasn't expecting small talk like this. This was supposed to hurt and the worst hadn't passed yet, like having to disinfect an large wound. This was still to happen and he feared he might break at the occasion.
His mother remained silent, obviously they were both struggling. Say it, tell her. Just a few words and maybe he would sleep better at night.
« M-Mom ? » His voice did it again, at the limit of cracking. He couldn't bear that, to be rendered to this by his own actions.
« Yes ? » Low, worried.
« I'm sorry… » There came pain, almost suffocating. At last he said it.
Before he knew it, tears made his vision blurry and fell as he looked down. No… The same pain for inflicting such a thing to her. No one deserved that and yet he had lashed out at her, let this burning anger take over. Pain had caused so much.
« It's not your fault. » Probably she sensed his sadness or maybe because he sobbed without realizing it. In any case her tone was gentle, like so many nights when he was a kid and needed help.
« No, I…I'm sorry for everything…you two didn't deserve that shit, I should have stayed quiet… » Every word hurt because it was his truth, he was genuinely apologizing for causing this mess.
« Yasuo. I'm the one who is sorry, you shouldn't have gone through this alone. I…parents should protect their children and obviously I failed to do that. Why didn't you tell me ? » It was heartbreaking to hear, surely equally to say.
The tears didn't stop, more pouring as little by little he closed himself. It hurt to hear that so much, he knew the matter was deeper than that. He shouldn't have existed at all.
« Couldn't…To tell you what ? That they all talked shit about you ? That you'd be better off without me… ? »
It was so unfair to endure this, for him, for her, for Yone. All three of them had to go through pain and insults because of a single fact.
Yasuo wanted to stop the call, it was too much already. Nothing really new for them, both knew how wounded he was because of his childhood, no need to explain further.
« Yasuo please…It's not true and anyway this never was your fault in the first place. They told you that… ? »
Nothing could stop his sadness in this instant, sobbing as quietly as he could but it was still heard. Yasuo didn't want to remember all this, even though he lived in the past because of it.
« Dunno…Maybe not exactly but being called a mistake didn't help neither. » There came his lost anger, his last resort not to break apart to the very last bit. It was easy to be angry but he knew it never helped. His sudden departure months ago was because of it, because he couldn't control it.
Silence welcomed this, making him realize how mean it was to tell her. It was his anger, his sadness, his pain but it didn't mean he could throw it at her face. A way to reflect what hurt him so much.
« I'm sorry, I'm sorry…Please…I never wanted to hurt you… » It felt like he would apologize forever for this. Normally he always stood his ground but this was about his mother, her who had raised two kids on her own despite the whole world trying to stop her. He couldn't stop.
« I know, little cub, I know… I just wish I could prevent all you two had to endure. And before you correct me, I'm aware you weren't treated like Yone, he explained his own side. »
As if it wasn't clear before. The whole incident in the family was caused by this, his pain for feeling like the only one bullied. Yasuo knew his brother had to endure it too but as he thought, it wasn't in the same proportions. Innerly he wished they could have talked about it, instead of fighting each other in their damned flat. Maybe it wasn't too late, even though the harm was done.
On the other hand, it made him want to cry more to hear her. A nickname so used before but he hadn't heard it for a long time. Could they just go back to that time before school when there was nothing to fear about people ?
« I know… Still, he was the wanted child. Not me. » Some bitterness remained, for all these years under the shadow cast by his brother. There was no mean to hurt but things were like this.
« No, that's not true. You were both wanted, even if the circumstances sadly weren't good. I chose to keep both of you. »
There was a real effort to make this clear, Yasuo could feel it. Not once he would take her words as lies, this had to be true for her. Yet it still hurt. No matter her intentions and decision to raise two sons, the world was cruel and Yasuo had paid for it.
« Right. Then I shouldn't have taken the bullying so seriously. » The tears were definitely gone but instead he was angry again. Against himself mostly because no matter what his mother said, he was deeply convinced he wasn't equal to Yone.
Life was unfair and he was being unfair in return. This conversation wasn't helping, he was just running in circles for nothing, bringing up his several issues that were already known. It was too heavy and now he was getting tired of this, of hearing all the same.
« Yasuo, that's not what I mean, please… I understand this had been awful to live, I should have paid more attention. »
You're damn right.
He wanted to reply but it would have been cruel. Something stopped him from saying that, Yasuo never meant to hurt his only family. So he bit down his bitterness and held back as the tears threatened to come back. Always the same struggle, difficult path between sharing his sadness and pain and digging into anger. Stop, don't hurt her.
Nothing could change the way he considered his troubled childhood, nothing could give it back to him. Even his mother. Before he would do anything drastic, Yasuo took no risk and hung up. This was too brutal but in such difficult state of mind he couldn't afford to repeat the same errors of that day. His mother didn't deserve any of this, nothing of her bastard son dealing with self-hatred and anger.
Yes it was stupid and rude to do but his heart couldn't take more. Crying of frustration, he put his phone away on the couch and lied down.
Why was it so difficult ?