Fuck.
Yasuo wasn't expecting that topic, at least not so soon. He wasn't stupid enough to hope for it, especially after such desastrous night. Of course Yi would ask, sooner or later. Now he had to face the consequences of his breaking and many other disagreable things that had happened.
« Errrrr I don't know. » Because this was true, he didn't know.
It had been less than an hour since he woke up and so far Yasuo didn't think much about the latest day, its drama and down moments. Just he didn't have time to think about it yet, that was all. And now Yi was asking gently about it.
« It's alright, I understand you need time. I shouldn't have asked. » Quick to back off, obviously. Yi never showed a lot, at least not strongly and now this was just light worry.
« No, that's not what I mean ! Erm, just I don't really know. For now it's fine but… » No idea what was holding him back.
For now there was none of this panick for breaking into pieces in front of Yi, or of that terrible sadness in duo with anger when he thought about the issue. Nothing since he had woken up. Probably last night had allowed to purge a little these strong emotions for a time.
Would that be a bad idea ? By principle it could be good, nothing wrong in talking to someone close. Even considering his previous experience in talking his feelings out, Yasuo thought it wouldn't be as bad. Why not ? He kept asking himself if he was doing another mistake, if that would only make things worse. But it would be with Yi, always so calm and peaceful about everything. It sounded like it wouldn't become another mess of yelling.
While they ate Yi kept a curious gaze on him, surely he paid attention to the end of the sentence but there was none. Yasuo didn't know what to tell. Idiot.
He sighed, a bit defeated not to be good with his words or just with his brain. « Sorry. I'd say, why not ? But I don't know how far I'll be able to go. It's…painful. » What an understatement.
« No worries, I won't force you into anything. I'm free if you want to talk, whenever you want. » Of course Yi wouldn't push, he was far too nice and cautious.
« After lunch, maybe. Unless you have more important to do. »
« As I said, whenever you want. We'll do that after the dishes. »
Yasuo simply nodded, getting his attention back of his food. He didn't know what to think about all this, it was weird. In a way he wasn't distressed or anything, while earlier he might have freaked out about telling Yi anything. Yet now the latter had given several examples on occasions to trust him. Plus last night when he had soothed everything he could, it showed there was no real risk. Still, Yasuo didn't know why he was doing so well for now, if not slightly anxious. Maybe his brain wasn't realizing yet.
We'll see.
Later in the beginning of afternoon Yasuo was free at last. It wasn't such a burden, just everyone had to do their part of the chores and since he hadn't been the one making lunch, he had to do the dishes. It was fine though, Yi stayed with him all the time in the kitchen, keeping an eye over Lily while she kept trying to get their attention. Visibly one tiny pancake wasn't enough for the lady of these lands and she required more.
Now he could return to whatever activities he had on his days off, which most of times ended up being a good nap or internet. Yet he wouldn't do that, he remembered. The talk. Yup yup yup. Still not anxious about it and he was almost worried for that, because no doubt it was going to sting, even just a little.
It will be fine.
« Yi ? Let's go ? » After the short break he went to knock at Yi's door, even though it was always slightly open to let the cat in or out.
« Alright, I'm coming. »
Yasuo returned on his couch and sat there, head empty to his great worry. Is it right ? He wasn't sure. Yet on the other hand he was certain it would help in the end, at least to vent a little. No risk for this to reach other people, Yi would keep this for himself.
Speaking of, the latter joined him in the living room quickly after, carrying a box of tissues and Lily in his arms. Oh ? Yasuo watched him do while he sat on the couch too and kept the cat on his lap. She didn't seem too fazed, probably curious about this change of place. Soon enough she got up then sat down as quick, settling there at last. Alright. Now the two of them faced each other, sitting on the couch.
« Emergency supplies. Just in case. » Yi spoke softly, petting Lily a little after he handed him the box of tissues.
Yes, that was probably smart. However it still made Yasuo a bit scared despite himself. The intention was good yet the flashbacks of the night arrived. Hmm. He'd rather not cry, even though it was likely to happen.
« Still good ? Tell me if you don't want anymore. » Such concern just in case was quite nice, as many warnings as possible.
« Yup. Don't worry, sure I'll tell you when it's too much. » Deep breath taken, exhale. Yasuo braced himself so shortly. Sooner or later the awful mood would strike, it was only a matter of time.
This was actually what scared him, the point when everything would seem dark and painful. It was like being forced under water, only to be allowed a few times out to breathe. Memories were harsh on him but it was Yi, he wouldn't judge. He already knew a few bits of it.
« Go on, take your time. »
It was peculiar as moment, Yi talking to him softly while he petted Lily, yet not once he took his gaze off Yasuo.
« I…I don't know where to start. Ask, maybe it's better. »
« Alright. » There was a small pause, while Yi seemed to think about a question. Then he spoke : « You said you hurt them, your mother and brother I supposed. Were you talking about the incident and the reason you left ? »
There, it started quickly, a hard blow. Yasuo took it, there was no reason to back off so fast. There was a small silence used to think about what he could reply. Yi didn't know a lot, couldn't know all that was at stake that day.
« Not just that. But yeah, this is one of the occasions I hurt them. » It was important not to let it get to him too fast and before anything, not to let it show in his voice. Soon it would happen but Yasuo wanted to keep this as late as possible.
« What else ? Did you two fight often ? »
Strong no, shaking his head. « Of course no, you know us. I still like Yone, even with all that crap going on. » Deep breath, Yasuo looked away. It was already a bit difficult between delving into hateful memories and finding the right words to explain : « The problem is difficult, I didn't hurt them directly, it wasn't my choice. »
« What happened ? » Yi was more than calm and quiet, surely keeping his gaze on him even thought Yasuo averted his.
This was the worst part. The origin of everything. How to explain this briefly ? Yasuo also felt like trembling a little, it was strange to talk about it to someone that never heard of it in the first place. So much of their struggle had come from the fact that too many people knew about one detail. And now he told someone that was unaware all this time.
Getting tense and keeping his gaze down, Yasuo gathered some courage : « I hurt them by existing. » His voice threatened to break again, just because of a vulnerable detail. Before Yi could say anything else, he continued : « Mom raised us alone, she never got a lot of help and I…I definitely ruined her situation. »
« How ? I don't really understand. » It was clear Yi sensed his strong emotions meddling in the tone, the stance, everything. « I don't see how simply existing can cause troubles. Even if you did, it can't be your fault. »
« N-No, it's not that easy. » Why couldn't he say it clearly ? Why was it so difficult to say he had always hated himself over the circumstances of his upbringing ? Hoping to be clear, and surely a little desperate with his own words, Yasuo made eye contact and gave what he had over his heart : « We don't have the same father. Yone's is dead, he was our mom's husband. Mine is some asshole that fucked off as quick. You know why I hurt them just by existing ? Because I'm some bastard kid and half of the family kicked our mom out after I was born. »
Saying this was painful, like spilling all that he bottled up for years. Hopefully it wasn't as bad as when he did it to his family but it was still violent when anger took over more he spoke. Now he stared at Yi, feeling a mix between rising anger and repressed sadness. This was happening again and he couldn't prevent it.
The latter seemed to register everything that was said, standing his gaze with serious. Suddenly Yasuo felt a bit bad, he didn't exactly lash out at him but he would have if he was in a worse state, like last day.
« I see. May I ask more details ? I apologize, obviously this is still painful for you. »
« It's fine. » Yet as he said it, Yasuo's voice cracked in a way too telling of his state. He breathed deeply before telling more : « You know Yon is my big bro. His dad died when he was a baby, he doesn't even have any memories of him. Mom got a hard time grieving, she said she met a guy and that's why I'm here. But when I was born the in-laws cut off any contact and she struggled to raise us. That's why…why I really made their lives hell. Just because I'm here. »
The tears happened. It was meant to happen at some point and now Yasuo could just acknowledge it, wipping his eyes angrily even though it didn't stop. While he was struggling quietly the latter gave him a tissue, the right reaction at the moment. Yi didn't miss any of it but he said nothing.
« I didn't realize it was that deep. I remember you two mentioned your mother sometimes but I didn't even notice there was no question of a father. I'm sorry for you, it must have been difficult to grow up in these conditions and mindset. »
This was how it was supposed to go the day he'd tell everything to their mother. Sadly it didn't happen and instead he had fought with Yone about the impact of such childhood. Yasuo could just nod after such statement, trying to stop any sob from coming out.
After he was done with the tissue, Yi came closer and put Lily on his lap, like he had done before. This was a good distraction indeed.
« It's still wrong though. I'm aware only you know how this felt but I don't think it's your fault. This wasn't your choice or even your actions. »
« Then tell that to everyone else. Mom went through hell just to keep us alive and happy, and instead of being understanding people talked shit about her. » Again a spike of anger. It was difficult to control, even as he reminded himself Yi didn't deserve this. He was just trying. Yasuo sighed and it got a bit shaky : « Sorry. Just, it wasn't fun everyday and people can be assholes sometimes. »
There was a bit of silence and Yasuo averted his gaze again. Both knew what they were doing when this discussion was brought up but it didn't mean he had a free pass to be mean or anything.
« Of course. Again, I'm sorry to hear that and you have every right to feel angry. I remember some time ago that Yone mentioned you were bullied. This was the only thing he ever told me about your issues. »
« What ? »