Chapter Fifty-six
"Erin! Come on, honey… 'pen your eyes, bab… somebody get..."
Rick's voice breaks through the haze surrounding her and Erin tries to bring him into focus through her fluttering eyelids. Feeling completely weightless in his arms, she tries to lift her head but her neck won't work. The rooms of the house move past her at odd angles beyond Rick's shoulder; a glimpse of ancient scuffs and scratches in the dark wood framing the doorway between the dining room and kitchen… the bright sheet metal on the side of the refrigerator… the white curtain that covers the back door off the center hall…
Rick's profile passes in front of another dark door and she focuses on one unruly curl that reaches for the corner of his eye. She locks her gaze onto the thick lashes that blink fretfully over his pretty blue iris, and then she loses her footing on consciousness and slips back into the mist of oblivion once more.
When she opens her eyes again, she feels the softness of a mattress beneath her as she looks up into Rick's face, still handsome despite the lines of worry creasing his forehead. His fingertips are warm as they tremble lightly over her cheek.
"Hey, Red. Look at me. Are you okay, sweetheart?"
Unable to string a collection of syllables together in response, she looks from his face to the furniture and walls of the bedroom that Morgan shares with his son, just off the kitchen at the back of the house. Kicking against the current of murkiness, she looks to her left and tries to focus on the white-haired man who is holding her wrist between his fingers as he studies his watch.
"Erin, you're scaring the shit out of me. Talk to me, honey."
The force of authority and the magnitude of fear in Rick's voice pulls her hazy gaze from Hershel and focuses her mind on her husband. She watches him turn briefly and take something from Maggie's hand. A moment later, the coolness of a damp washcloth covers her brows and forehead. "What happened?" she asks when her brain finally connects with her voice box.
"You fainted," Rick replies, sounding a little relieved but no less alarmed. "How are you feeling? Are your gums bleeding?" he asks quickly, tremulously, as if he really doesn't want to hear for fear of the answer.
"No, honey. I'm okay and my gums are fine," she replies with a questioning look.
"Are you sure? Hershel says that a sign of leukemia is fatigue and loss of appetite and bleeding gums."
Pushing herself up to a sitting position, she pulls the cloth from her brow and lays a gentle hand on his troubled cheek. "I'm fine, honestly. I'm just a little tired and lightheaded, not totally wiped out and out of breath like I felt when I was sick."
"What if it's coming back though?" he asks, the terror swimming in his eyes nearly drowning her breaking heart. "What if this is the beginning of it?"
"Hold on, Rick," Hershel says, fingering the stethoscope around his neck. "She just fainted and there are a lot of things that can cause that, so let's not jump to conclusions here. We don't need to go there just yet. Erin, when was your last period?" he asks, his straightforward clinical manner of medicine suffused with a strong dose of compassion, a warm bedside manner bred from years of treating frightened animals.
"Over three months ago, which is normal for me. I should be getting it soon."
"Well, your heart sounds okay, your blood pressure is fine and your color is good. I know the chemotherapy did a number on your body and lowered your chances of getting pregnant, but I just wonder if maybe..."
"I can't be. The doctors all said it was impossible."
"The odds may have been astronomical, but they are rarely impossible. I have heard of women conceiving against all odds, as miraculous as that sounds. If we can get a home pregnancy test, we can rule it out. Or perhaps we will find that you've got a little miracle growing inside you."
The thought of Rick's baby growing inside her brings her unfathomable joy, and a tremendous fear of the crushing disappointment she would endure after getting her hopes up. Her mind whirls until too many thoughts laced with too many emotions freezes it into a complete lump of numbness. When she looks at Rick for support, she sees more than a shimmer of fear in his eyes too; a much stronger, almost angry fear that bears a bitter hint of disenchantment. "Rick?" She forces his name through the swelling in her throat, the single syllable softly spoken but loaded with questioning concern.
"You said it was impossible," he murmurs, the words thick with accusation despite the numbness of his voice. "How can we…," he trails off but she knows what he is thinking by the expression on his face; his parted lips screaming How can we bring a baby into this insane world, his frightened eyes crying How can we protect a helpless infant against the horrors of our environment, and his pale cheeks confessing that he does not want to raise another child with nothing but death and destruction in its future.
A torrent of tears blurs her vision. "I'm sorry," she apologizes, feeling as if she had been dishonest with him, however unintentional it had been. "They told me I couldn't." She can't fight the quiver in her lips and gives in to the wretched sob that bubbles up from her heart.
"Oh, God, baby I'm so sorry." He pulls her into his arms and she buries her face in neck. "Don't cry sweetheart, it's wonderful news."
She sniffles hard against the dark green collar of his plaid button up shirt. "It is?"
"Of course it is." He leans back and she lifts her head to meet his eyes, searching for the truth in his gaze. "I'm just an idiot and I got spooked for a second," he admits, wiping a gentle finger to the corner of her eye.
"So you do want to have a baby with me?"
"Absolutely."
She recognizes the unquestionable truth in his eyes, the utmost sincerity in his voice, and the unconditional love in the hands that are framing her face. Relief-fueled joy explodes in her chest and she collapses into his neck once again.
"Well, before you start handing out cigars, son, we need to get a pregnancy test." Hershel's voice pulls her back to face another truth – they don't know anything just yet. "Glenn?" he calls and Erin lifts her head to find her Asian friend standing in the doorway.
"Yeah," Glenn says, taking a step further into the room. "You want me to run into town?"
"Wait." Maggie throws a quick, uneasy glance at her father before looking down at Erin. "I may have something upstairs," she says softly, avoiding Hershel's eyes when she steps out of the room.
The cool air in the downstairs bedroom gets momentarily colder as Erin feels a chilly current float from Hershel to Glenn, charging the atmosphere with a palpable tension. Glenn seems to be rooted to the spot under the old man's glare and she sees his slanted eyes turn as round as a deer's that is standing in the light of an oncoming car.
Maggie's footsteps echo from the staircase and a moment later she is scurrying back into the room. "I got this last year," she says quietly to Glenn while dodging her father's deepening scowl. "But there's one more and it hasn't expired," she tells Erin, placing the rectangular box into her hand.
Five minutes later, Erin steps out of the bathroom and into Rick's arms to wait the interminable two minutes for the results to appear.
"How do you feel?" he asks, holding her tight to his chest.
"I don't know," she replies, gripping the back of his shirt to keep her hands from trembling. "Anxious. Happy. Scared. I want this so bad I'm terrified that I'm going to be disappointed."
"I know, honey. I'll be really disappointed too."
"You mean that?"
"Yeah," he breathes and she feels the heat of his dreams against her hair. "I'd love to have a little girl that looks just like you," he says, pressing his lips to the top of her head.
With her eyes closed as emotion builds heavily behind them, Erin envisions an impish little tot sitting on a large rock by a big willow tree, the sun shining on her auburn curls as she laughs at a tiny duckling with her bright blue eyes. She recalls the day that Rick had taken her to his grandfather's cabin by the small lake in Woodland… just about three months ago. Could something miraculous have happened there? Something so precious beneath the dark beams that held a patchwork of shingles while they'd enjoyed a quiet afternoon holding each other close, loving each other as the serenity of the lake kept the world from creeping in on them?
"You know," he says, breaking into her thoughts. "Three months ago we spent that day at the cabin."
"I know," she replies as a fissure climbs her spine and a scatter of wings takes flight in her belly. "I was just thinking about that too."
"Sounds like the perfect place for a miracle. Don't you think?"
"It does," she whispers into his chest as she tightens her arms around his waist, clinging to the dream of having his child. "Is it time yet? It has to be close."
His arm moves slightly against her shoulder as he turns his wrist to look at his watch. "It is."
"Okay." She can feel her heart pounding as a surge of tears rises in her throat. She can't let go of his waist. "Oh God, honey, I can't do it. You have to look."
"Okay. Love you," he murmurs against her hair as he kisses her forehead. "No matter what."
She loosens her arms and watches him step into the small bathroom off the downstairs hall. Leaning weakly against the opposite wall as their family waits patiently in the kitchen, she watches him lift the narrow stick from the sink and bring it closer to his eyes. He turns it slightly and shines a small penlight on the symbol displayed in the tiny window.
An eternity stretches before her and her eyes burn hot with unshed tears, threatening to spill in either joy or heartache. Whichever the case, she can't contain them much longer and a single tear slips out and glides down her cheek.
When he lifts his head and turns to her, her vision is lost to the flood. For in the enormously proud smile plastered across his face, her world is changed forever.