I'm sorry.
The decision hadn't been easy to take. Yasuo already knew he was supposed to leave for the battlefield that day, they talked about it last night. In the way he imagined it, Yi thought he would leave by noon, after a long goodbye to his soulmate. Except the latter slept without interruption and right then, he was still out.
Afternoon going slowly, Yi was so torn by this decision. All this time he hoped without question that Yasuo would be up. No way for him to wake him up now, not since he needed that rest.
So it left him in bed, too aware of time fleeing yet refusing to let go of the latter. What a horrible feeling, to leave him behind while knowing Yasuo hated this as much. Separation was meant to hurt, as short as it would be.
Courage.
With regrets Yi got out of their embrace. Really, it ripped his heart in half to feel Yasuo clinging to him in his sleep, never letting go. Please, don't… Cautious, he still managed to get out and stand by the bed. How sad to see the latter holding nothing, faint gestures looking for someone missing.
The mission remained the same, he had to go. The war never stopped. Before taking his armor, he sat down for a time he wished short but couldn't respect anyway. With infinite care Yi leaned and gave a light peck to the latter's cheek. So chaste and light, for he couldn't risk to wake him now.
An violent urge took him, begging to kiss him properly. That first kiss he craved with all his soul, it never left him at peace. He's asleep, I can't.
Reluctantly he stood up and tried as much as he could to ignore the sleepy presence of his soulmate. It was so difficult and it wasn't even the worst time. For now he was still at the village. But he knew that soon enough he would be alone again, running in the valley after a trail of blood. Far from Yasuo. Don't think about it.
Taking care not to make too much noise, he found his armor and put in on in another room. Duty called, no matter how heavy it grew over his heart.
Once he was ready, he took that piece of scarf and tied it around his wrist. Just tight enough not to lose it. No. Then armor and it was time to look for his blade. It wasn't far, he kept it close with Yasuo's. If for a time he considered giving the latter's blade to one of the villagers, in case he had some spontaneous ideas, Yi thought again that it wouldn't help. He trusted Yasuo, he would stay here, even if it was only for his own good.
It will be fine.
With new determination, Yi went outside, ready to face the cruelty of war and separation.
Where is he ? Where is he ?
Awake in a jolt, Yasuo looked around, reality already heavy on him. Alone. Unlike any other time when he woke up in this same situation, he could tell something was wrong.
Yi was gone.
Not in the village, that seemed clear. He had no idea how that could happen but he knew his soulmate was gone, too far to be sensed. Impossible to explain, this was purely instinct. This link, thrumming with life since they had found each other, now it felt like a thin thread likely to break.
No…
Disbelieving, Yasuo got out of bed and looked around. Yi's armor and blade were gone too. This detail hurt a little more.
On reflex he went outside, following what his instinct indicated as direction. Running in the village till indeed it led him to the gates.
Why was he freaking out like this ? He knew it was coming, Yi said so lastest night. He's gone. Sadness welled up, overwhelming him. Anger was there too, a spike of this unfair act. He thought he would still see him before he left. Obviously not. There, bitterness bit back.
The first urge was to go after him. His soul and body ached for it, just his reason kept him from that. Reluctant as ever, he returned to the bed they shared for a few nights. No care about the few villagers that saw him run like an idiot till the gates, it wasn't their business.
Yi… Impossible to suppress everything he felt right now, new rush of anger. It was even worse because he was aware it wasn't fair for the latter, he surely didn't want to fight this war like everyone else. Duty hurt. Love hurt too, forcing him to stay behind.
Maybe Yasuo would have been less angry if he had seen his soulmate this day. Maybe. At least to say goodbye and hold him tight. Possibly the best time to get his kiss, under such wreck of emotions.
Now his mind could just focus on Yi's absence and solitude.
Three days, don't forget. But how was he supposed to wait here ? Already separation was felt, ache that threatened to increase with time.
So much fury to contain and nothing to calm him. Remember how unfair it was, to stay back while everyone was fighting. His gaze fell on his blade, reminding him of his purpose. Never it had been so tempting to stop caring and go.
Yi will be mad if I go too soon. To disappoint him was a big no, he didn't wish to disobbey like this. Aware that he was about to make a big mistake, Yasuo kept himself in that room and waited for this rush to leave.
Sadly, he didn't last long. Solitude was really difficult now that he had met his soulmate. Being so far from each other was new and he wondered how he was going to survive later, if something was to happen.
Instead of soothing the burn of being left behind, time only fueled his need to leave. To find Yi, to fight by his side. His soulmate was out there, risking his life while himself was asked to stay back.
Several times he stood and went to take his blade, considering his options. It was simple, wasn't it ? Just to stay at the village and wait. On the other hand, he couldn't stop feeling so much. A lonely heart could be pushed to such decisions. Yasuo knew it wasn't rational to just run away and seek deadly fights when wounded. But he wasn't even injured to that point.
He's wrong. I can fight.
When night fell, it kept him awake. How was he supposed to rest and recover when his thoughts were so loud ? This was useless. It would be better for everyone if he was fighting.
Anger burned low against Yi, in the limits one's respect and love could give. No matter the reasons behind and obvious care, he still forced him to stay while his wound wasn't so serious. Maybe too protective.
Hours going like nothing, held back by his words and pushed by his honor. What a dilemma.
In the end, he decided to leave. Disobbeying wasn't a matter, he already deserted once. The night was almost over, the first signs of dawn and maybe the occasion he needed. Would someone try to stop him ?
Armor on, Yasuo made quick work of that and resolutely took his blade. He could still step back and return to sleep like he was expected to. Part of him was deeply annoyed to disappoint Yi. The other part was still furious to be left behind without a word.
Determined, he made his way through the silent village. Only near the gates he saw a few people. Among them there was the archer he saw before, the one who was talking with Yi.
Of course they saw him too. Not a word said, surely they weren't even aware that he wasn't supposed to go.
I don't care.
Yasuo stepped outside the village without a look behind.
« Good luck out there and be careful. » It was her, last call to a man obviously dedicated to the cause.
He didn't reply, just gazed back for a time then left. As simple as that.
Maybe too easy. However this was indeed the first step. The worst had yet to come, once he found Yi. For this, Yasuo doubted he was ready.
I can't believe it.
All this time Yi had some faith in his soulmate but now he didn't know what to do. The day wasn't up yet, it was still quite dark out there, even without the smoke typical from Noxus passage.
He felt it. Distance was reduced, little by little. For all the time since he left the village he felt their link stretch more and more, so thin. And now it was closing.
Yasuo…
That could be just him, leaving the village. No doubt on that. To feel an actual change like this, it indicated a move.
Separation was so terrible, even the slightest change felt like a blessing. Like breathing again. Yet this wasn't how it was supposed to go.
He said he would stay.
In that quiet time between the fights, Yi was left fuming over this. All this argument to at least appease his worry and now it was useless. As time went he felt Yasuo coming closer, although still quite far. The village wasn't exactly close to the fights, since Noxus took another direction.
Beyond anger, it hurt. Not for this choice of going against his request – there were reasons for this and the most valid ones – but for the risk taken. Yasuo wasn't completely back to full health, it was foolish to go so soon.
Oh he was sure that this idiot was going after him. Silently, Yi was lost between anger, worry and the soft relief of seeing his soulmate. It was so paradoxical, to care so much for someone yet to still find some joy to find him again, knowing the risk taken.
The day he left, he hated it with all his heart and now everything showed Yasuo was on his way to find him. Again it forced him to face reality, the fact that he couldn't protect him forever. Yasuo wanted to fight and it was selfish to keep him from it.
Yi pushed everything aside, it didn't help. He hoped he could act like an adult and stay calm but he couldn't. Too many emotions at once.
Soon he couldn't take it anymore. There was nothing to do at that time except cursing innerly for the latter's decision to fight. What was the point anyway ? Yasuo would arrive soon, no way to convince him otherwise.
So Yi reduced distance too, quick steps in the valley as he followed this damned instinct. What was the point ? He still needed Yasuo, his heart raced at the mere idea of finding him again. One by one, step by step, the link got stronger.
Come here, idiot. He completely deserved that one. To – reluctantly – promise to stay then run away at the first occasion, of course Yasuo was going to explain himself. Yi focused on that instead, or his worry and protective instinct would drive him mad. No matter how small the wound, it reminded him of the constant risk.
The sun was almost up, peeking behind the hills. Distance wasn't that big anyway, soon they would run into each other.
It happened rather fast. Looking far away, he saw him. Right in his direction, at the limit of running.
Yasuo…
Oh that spike of feelings, all of sudden. Yi didn't want it, he couldn't forget how worried he was for the latter and angry about his decision. But to see him again, everything felt better. Why did it feel this way ? Almost physical, like an ache gone for good.
Determined to give him an earful, he smothered all the rest. Once it was done he would indulge a bit but till then, discipline was required.
Soon he was able to see Yasuo better. Neither stopped, making a bee line till at last they faced each other.
There he is.
Not a single word said. Not one. That was it, they were reunited after less than a full day apart. They stood there, in the middle of nowhere, only grass till the horizon.
Yasuo's expression was full of anger, very serious. That was a low blow but Yi deserved it too. To wake up alone must have been as horrible as having to leave him behind. Dear Yasuo, not even hidding his emotions as it boiled to the surface.
Strictly honest, Yi could say he regretted that decision. He wished he could have said goodbye. Then he remembered that all this was for the latter's health. Not for nothing.
Words didn't come. Anger stayed there, silent. At the same time, to simply stand not far from his soulmate was enough to feel happy. Concealed fast, it wasn't the time for this.
Then a move was made. Yasuo stepped closer, making him shortly fear for any attempt at violence. This wasn't supposed to happen but instinct made Yi stand his gaze, ready for anything.
Just the time to see the latter lean slightly and press his mouth to his. Just the time to register that hand behind his head, coaxing him further into this. Just the time to feel Yasuo open up and claim him in ever possible sense. Oh. Oh…
It was hard and angry, a kiss that demanded so much yet took so little. Within seconds, it was over. A gasp escaped Yi, for the suddenness of such move. Something himself had been craving to take and seek.
Time seemed to freeze. Yasuo's hands stayed on him, completely held and trapped. And that stare, still hinted by anger but turning to something else gradually. Almost relief, joy.
In reaction, Yi pulled him back into another kiss, this time taking the initiative and lead. Swallowing any words that might have slipped, pushing back for all the worry he carried since they met. It was eagerly welcomed, the sweetest of reciprocation. Anger was gone, for now, leaving instead the pure relief of holding each other.
Not once it felt like enough. Restless hands over Yasuo, never settling for too long. Moving into the kiss, until they needed to breathe again. When it was time, they just gazed at each other while fighting for breath. The gentle flush from passion colored their cheeks.
At last…
For a time it felt like he had forgotten the reaosn of all this. Was he angry before ? It seemed a foreign memory. It was alright now, Yasuo was in his arms, so alive.
Then it kicked back and he could barely contain that surge of annoyance and anger against his soulmate.
« You foolish man. I thought you would have at least the sense to stay but no. I'm very very disappointed. » Emphasis on the 'very', because he did feel terribly upset by this choice. Though all this was said as he held Yasuo close with all the kidness he could give.
« Then you can guess how it felt to wake up alone. » Direct hit, impossible to dodge. Sadness was as clear in his eyes than in his tone, with barely a tad of bitterness.
It hurt. Far from a surprise, Yi knew it wasn't nice to put him through this. Yet he had no choice at the time. I deserve this. At least for what he inflicted.
By the second Yasuo's gaze softened a bit, as if aware of the cruelty of his words. It was still true, he was allowed to say it.
« I'm sorry. » So honest, it was painful to say.
To soothe this awful feeling, Yi closed the gap again and kissed him, seeking that comfort he missed so much. Incredible how good a kiss could be. Yasuo's answer came as quick, deepening contact till they could just hold each other and find forgiveness.
Overwhelming. He couldn't stop. Yi wished it would go on forever, just the two of them. No world, no war, no one but them.
« I'm sorry too. But you're wrong, I can still fight. I swear, I'll be careful. For you. » After parting to say this, Yasuo looked so lost between helplessness and stubborness. He sounded genuine and Yi wanted to believe him.
What was the point of such anger ? Now it was useless. Yasuo was telling the truth, he was still able to fight. Protecting too much could only lead to the opposite effect. Yi had to let go, just a little. Even if the risk seemed too big, he had to.
« Alright, alright. Just, don't go too far or I won't be able to follow. » Emotions became too much again, threatening to spill even so slightly in his tone. What a blessing to love, even if it meant carrying fears and worries.
This time, it wasn't a kiss Yi was after but to simply be held. Completely pressed to the latter, he closed himself a bit and nuzzled his neck. Safety, just for a time. Not his. The only safety he wanted was for Yasuo.
Right there, in his arms.