AN: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for miscarriage. Seriously, that's what this fic is about, so if you don't want to read that, or don't feel like you can, then please don't.
I put a lot of time into this to make sure it read right, and I'm sorry if there are any inaccuracies, I did my research but for something as personal as this it's only so useful. And I know I dramatized it slightly, but I kind of went off the idea that Natasha is someone who's never even had a period, so the entire sensation would be something she's never experienced before even in the mild form of period cramps. But yeah, I hope you can enjoy this.
"We're gonna be late Nat" Steve called through the apartment. They had been called in for a meeting with Fury about Hydra, and they were running very late, like should've been there 5 minutes ago late. "Sorry. I'm ready." She ran into the room, pulling on a coat over her outfit, sliding onto the couch and yanking on her boots roughly.
"Come on Nat." He whined, starting to pace across the room, fiddling with the car keys. "Alright alright." She got up quickly, feeling dizzy and swaying slightly as she tried to balance. Steve arms reached out to steady her, lowering her back down onto the couch and rubbing his hands up and down her arms until her vision cleared.
"You okay?" He asked, worry evident in his voice. Steve knew she hadn't been feeling great, and his concern for her had increased ten-fold. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head as she brought her hand to grasp his softly, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"Yeah fine, just stood up to fast." At least that's what she hoped it was. Truth be told, she hadn't been feeling amazing lately, but she had been working long hours and she was probably just tired. "You sure?"
She couldn't blame him for wanting to check, she'd have been concerned if he'd pulled that kind of thing on her. But she was fine, really, she was sure she was fine. "Yeah, I'm good."
"Well hurry up then. Fury's gonna kill us." He pulled her up gently, his hand on the small of her back as they went down to the garage.
"I'm driving." She insisted once they got to the car, pulling the keys out of his hand. He scoffed, stealing them back. "No way. You'll get us killed."
You didn't even need to know Natasha to know she viewed speed limits as a target, especially when she was running late for something. "Would you rather be dead or late for a meeting with Fury? Cause I sure as hell know which is worse?" She raised her eyebrows at him, causing him to frown and walk over to the passenger side. She had a point, late to a meeting with Fury would probably result in their deaths. "Fine. But I'm blaming you if we're late and dead."
"Nice of you to join us." They slipped into the meeting, taking their seats silently, trying to avoid Fury's gaze. The damage was already done, but it was always best to not aggravate the man further. "We were just talking about the drug cartel in South America. Rogers, I believe you have some intel on that."
"Yes sir. We believe that hydra had contacts there, and that they may be trying to use it as a global distribution channel for a drug called AD-328." Steve tried his best not to sound flustered, pulling a folder out of his bag and sliding it across the table to Fury.
"It looks like it's supposed to stimulate the effects of the super soldier serum on a temporary basis, much like steroids. It's not perfect, but it's enough to worry us." Bruce added, seeing Steve's nerves at being so immediately addressed.
She started to drift out of the meeting, and it wasn't because she was uninterested, but because she was finding it increasingly more difficult to focus. "Any clue on what's happening in Europe at the moment Romanoff?" She registered that her name had been said, but she ignored it, not finding the power in her to pay attention again. "Romanoff?" Fury's voice finally brought her back to the present, shaking her head softly to clear her vision.
"Sorry, what is it?" She apologised quickly, not recalling the initial question. She could see Steve frown at her nervously out of the corner of her eye, but she ignored it. Mainly because she had a feeling he was right to be concerned about her. "What have you learned about Hydra's connections in Europe?"
"They have a pretty widespread network but…ummmm…" She started to feel dizzy as she spoke, trying hard to not let anyone know. "I think that…umm…it's uncertain that…" She trailed off, trying to keep her concentration. Squeezing her eyes shut quickly she tried to focus, but she had been feeling worse as the morning went on. There was something wrong, but she couldn't even begin to pinpoint what it was. Maybe there wasn't even anything wrong, and she was just making a mountain out of a mole hill. She really hoped it was that.
"Natasha?" Fury asked, concern creeping into his voice slightly. She felt a weird sensation in her stomach, almost like she was going to throw up, and yet she knew she wasn't. Maybe she wasn't overreacting.
"Yeah, ummm, sorry." She mumbled, trying her best to ignore it, despite the fact it was getting harder and harder. "We only have limited contacts, but there seems to be a lot of trade going on between Armenia and Argentina. It might be nothing, but it's worth looking into." She kept herself on track, because whatever was going on in her stomach was probably nothing to worry about. Hopefully.
"And you couldn't have investigated more whilst you were in Europe?" Normally, she didn't care if Fury gave her a hard time, but right now she was trying her best not to cry, and she didn't even understand why.
"They were already getting testy about me. I didn't want to push it and risk losing my cover." She fought hard to keep her words steady as a small stab of pain went coursing through her. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, trying to look as casual as possible.
"Everything okay Nat?" Steve asked her quietly, because he just couldn't stay silent anymore. He could tell how much she was struggling, despite her best efforts to cover it. "Yeah, all good." She waved off his concern, because it would pass and anyway, she was fine. But pain shot through her body again and she couldn't help but let out a little whimper. "Steve."
"Natasha?" Steve asked concerned, sliding off his chair and kneeling next to her, resting his hands on her knees. Her face was scrunched up in pain, her eyes tearing up slightly. "Nat, tell me what's wrong."
"Ahhhh." She grimaced, tightening her arm around her stomach as she keeled over in her chair and fell into Steve's lap. There had been a dull pain in her stomach all day, but it was nothing like this. It was like she was being stabbed over and over again, and she felt like she couldn't even support her own weight.
"You're gonna be okay Tash. D'you want me to take you to the hospital?" He asked gently. She nodded her head, all he needed for the rest of the room to spring into action. Natasha Romanoff never admitted something was wrong, so when she did, they all knew it was serious. That's when they noticed the blood. There wasn't necessarily a lot of it, but was clearly visible as her grey t-shirt got darker and darker. Clint rushed out the room, trying to find a shooter or anything that would explain why his best friend was lying on the floor and bleeding out. Steve instinctually knew it wasn't that, she didn't have any fresh stitches to pull, there was no reason as to why she was bleeding.
"Natasha, honey, what's wrong?" He asked, gently brushing the hair off her forehead, frantically inspecting her stomach to find out what was happening. "Steve, please." She begged, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, tears streaming down her face. He scooped her up into his arms, cradling her against his chest as she whimpered in pain.
"Hey, it's going to be okay." He reassured her, kissing her forehead as he took off down the hallway to the medical department. He really hoped he was right.
Two hours later and they had gotten no word on Natasha, and with Steve anxiously pacing the room tensions were high. Steve was still stained in her blood, having refused to even leave the room, let alone go find a change of clothes. Tony had left a while ago, saying something about helping clean up. The doctor finally walked into the waiting room, causing them all to jump out of their chairs.
"Is Tasha okay?" Clint asked the doctor immediately, causing her to smile at him. They all instantly relaxed, no doctor smiled when there was bad news. "Miss Romanoff is perfectly fine. She's asleep but she'll wake up soon."
"Why do I feel there's a but?" Bruce asked the question on all their minds, because there was definitely something she wasn't telling them. They'd lived with Natasha long enough to know when someone was omitting the truth.
"Captain Rogers, may I speak to you for a moment?" She asked, walking out the room letting Steve follow. He seemed taken aback being addressed directly, but he wasn't stupid enough to think that everyone at Shield didn't know about their relationship. They weren't open about it, but that didn't mean everyone else was oblivious.
"What is it? What's wrong?" He asked once they were through the double doors that she'd come through. She looked at him with something akin of pity in her eyes. "Were you aware that Agent Romanoff's pregnant?"
"She's pregnant?" He asked in disbelief. He was shocked, surprised, but mostly, he couldn't escaping the sinking pit in his stomach. Because he knew, he just knew what the next words out of her mouth were going to be, and he didn't want to hear them. He didn't want to know, he wanted to stay in this limbo where everything was okay.
"I'm so sorry Captain, but you lost the child. Now, this can be very difficult news for anyone, I have some people I can put you or Miss Romanoff in contact with-"
"No thanks. We'll be fine. Can I see her?" He brushed her off. He knew that Natasha wouldn't want to see a therapist, it was against her very nature. It wasn't that she wouldn't want to talk about it, but telling a stranger about something so personal was something she'd probably never want to do. And right now, he didn't have to energy to react to the news himself. He just cared about Natasha.
"Oh, of course, follow me." He followed the doctor into Natasha's room, seeing her lay peacefully on the bed. He pulled a chair over from the corner of the room, sitting down next to her and taking her hand. Just being able to touch her made him feel better, or at least it reassured him that she was safe.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?" She asked, looking at him softly. He was sure she wasn't exactly trained for delivering this kind of news, but she was so nice it hurt. But he supposed he couldn't blame that on her, he just hurt. He thought about her question briefly, knowing exactly what Natasha would say if she were awake right now. "Actually, if we could keep this out of public knowledge that would be appreciated."
"You understand I have to tell Director Fury." She told him, and he just nodded, because he already suspected that. The man liked to know everything, and Steve imagined this sort of thing would be high on the list of things he liked to know. Regardless of the fact it happened to Natasha or not. She'd be pissed though, probably because he'd pull her out of the field for a while. "I understand that, but if you could not tell anyone else. It's up to Natasha as to whether we tell anyone what happened."
"I'll keep it out of her file. I really am sorry." He simply nodded at her before she left the room.
He'd had a child. For a small amount of his life, he'd had a child, and they'd lost it. Something so pure and innocent, already gone. They didn't even know, their child never even got a chance to be loved because they didn't know they existed. It felt like a part of himself was dying, no, not dying, but he was cracking and crumbling and he was so glad Natasha wasn't awake to see him like this.
He spent a long time pondering how to tell her, he didn't even know if she was aware of the baby or not, and regardless how she would react. He was caught up in his own world, looking at her peaceful face and hating so much that he would ruin that. He briefly considered not telling her, he couldn't bear spoiling her mood, especially as she'd been so happy lately, but he knew that was a ridiculous notion. He felt her hand twitch slightly in his, jerking him back to reality. Her eyes scrunched up in pain, before slowly opening as she woke up.
"Steve?" She asked quietly, her voice hoarse and full of confusion. "It's okay, you're fine." He reassured her, kissing her forehead gently, his free hand coming up to cup her cheek softly.
"You're crying." She commented, because of course she did. She was concerned about him, despite the fact she was the one in a hospital bed. She tried to sit up, but he stopped her, gently keeping her laying down, even though the wince that crossed her face as she tried to move would do that for him.
"God Nat." He may have been thinking about how to break the news for hours, but it didn't make the reality any easier. She reached out to wipe away his tears, looking at him with concern. Frowning, she moved over on her bed, patting the mattress next to her. He took the invitation, climbing next to her and wrapping her tightly in his arms.
"It's okay, I'm alive. I'm good." She hadn't seen him like this in a long time, and she was scared. He hadn't clung to her like his life depended on it in a long time. And that made her worried, because that meant there was probably something wrong with her. Something really wrong.
"That's not it Nat. God, I don't know how to tell you this." He took a deep breath, because he hadn't even said it out loud yet, he hadn't even dealt with the flood of emotion running through him. He wasn't even sure he could say it. "You were pregnant."
"I…I was…" She stuttered, her voice broken, not even sure how to process his words. She was…and now…she wasn't. She didn't…a fog descended over her mind, and it felt like every breath was hard, and every thought was impossible.
"I'm sorry Nat, I'm so sorry." He muttered into her hair, rubbing her back gently. She didn't want to be touched, and yet she couldn't bring herself to pull away from him. Her skin was crawling, her mind was racing, and yet somehow she was completely sluggish. "It's my fault."
"Don't even go there Nat. It's not your fault." She wanted to believe his words, she really did, but it was an unavoidable fact. Because just for a moment, she was a normal person, even though she hadn't known it. And then she'd ruined it, she'd lost it, and it was her fault. It was nothing more than that. She didn't listen to her body, she never had, because it had never been important, not really. But the one time it had, she hadn't paid attention, and so she was the one to mess everything up. "I should've known."
"Natasha, you couldn't have possibly known. It's not your fault." He tried to reassure her, and it wasn't just because he thought she needed to hear it. He needed to say it, because he would go crazy if he didn't. Because there was a part of him that knew if he'd paid more attention to her, if he hadn't just brushed off her small reassurances when he knew they were lies, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"It is, because my stupid body can't even keep Captain fucking America's baby alive." She wasn't crying, at all. And it worried him. She was strong, and she could handle anything life threw at her, but it wasn't normal even for her. He'd seen her cry a handful of times in the many years he'd known her, and this seemed to fall into her trigger topics. But nothing.
"Nat, please, don't say that." He almost begged, because he couldn't bear to hear her say that. Never before had he hated the Red Room as much as he did right now.
"Why does it hurt so much? It shouldn't hurt this much." She sounded panicked, and for once Steve wasn't sure if she meant physically or emotionally.
"The doctor said you were pretty far along…around 15 weeks. Said you weren't showing because of your level of fitness. But ummm…they had to give you medication so you can…so you can pass it." He tried his hardest to keep his voice level, to not let it shake. She shook her head softly, and he knew she meant emotionally, even though he'd had an inkling of that anyway. It was just so much easier to give her the facts.
"That's not what I meant." She whispered, looking at him. He sighed, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I know."
"Agent Romanoff, your fellow teammates are demanding to see you. They won't take no for an answer." The nurse walked into the room, her face apologetic. Steve understood, they didn't take no for an answer, and wouldn't until they could see with their own eyes that she was safe.
"I'll talk to them." He looked down at Natasha, still mostly emotionless. She was looking straight through the nurse, and he could see her determination to stay strong. Or least to stay strong in front of everyone else. "Will you be okay?"
"Yeah, I think I just need time alone to process." She replied. He got up, kissing her forehead and thanking the nurse before leaving the room. He couldn't help but be worried about leaving her, but he could tell she wanted time without him, even before she'd told him so. As soon as he was out the door he ran into the rest of the team who were crowded around the door, trying to listen in.
"Did the doctor tell you what happened?" Clint asked immediately before he'd even gotten a chance to breathe. And crap, he hadn't even considered what they were going to tell them. "Uhh, yeah. It's not a big deal, probably just a bad bought of food poisoning." He lied, and he wasn't entirely sure how convincing it was. But it was hard enough coming up with a coherent sentence, let alone a good lie.
"What about all the blood?" Tony asked, concern evident in his voice. Steve knew how much they cared about her, and he knew how mad they'd be if they found out the truth about what was happening, if they did ever tell them.
"She pulled some stitches this morning when she threw up. They were fresh so she bled a lot, but it's all fine now." It was plausible, maybe. He could see himself believing it, sort of. Not really, but he hoped that they might believe him.
"You realise we know you're lying right?" Clint asked, and instantly all the tension left his body. He felt exhausted, and now he knew his lies weren't going to do anything he couldn't help but show it. "What's happening?"
"I can't…I can't tell you. But it's fine. Really. Everything's okay. She's okay." Everything wasn't okay, and she definitely wasn't okay, and they knew that, but he hoped they wouldn't push it. He didn't need a mirror to know he looked a mess, but he probably looked better than he felt.
"Is she coming home with us?" Bruce asked softly, placing his hand on Steve arm in an act of comfort. He shook his head, the nurse had told him that they were keeping her in overnight, and that she'd be able to go home in the morning. "Can we see her?"
He paused, because he didn't know what to say. No, they couldn't see her, but how was he supposed to explain that? "It's not…she's not really up for visitors."
"But she's awake?" Clint asked, and he just nodded. He wasn't how much more of this he could take. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand here in front of his friends and pretend like he was okay, and that nothing was wrong.
"Sorry gentlemen, visiting hours are over. I'm sure you could stay if you really wanted to, but this is all just precautionary. Miss Romanoff will be back with you tomorrow, so there's really no need for you to be sitting in crappy plastic chairs all night. She'll be fine." God she was good. He smiled at her, silently thanking her before turning back to his friends.
"I guess she has a point." Tony conceded, and Steve was honestly glad they'd given up so quickly. He wasn't stupid though, they were clever, and were clearly reading his signals that he wasn't going to talk about it. "Honestly guys, Nat's fine, she's probably trying to break out the window as we speak." His joke was weak, but it was enough to crack a small smile on Tony and Bruce's faces.
"See you tomorrow Steve." Bruce said, pulling Tony out of the room, leaving only Clint with him, whose gaze was stony. "What actually happened?"
"I can't…I can't tell you. Natasha's fine, I promise. She's not in danger, she's safe. Everything's gonna be okay." Steve wasn't sure whether he was reassuring Clint or himself. Either way, Clint didn't seem pleased with his answer. "Steve. Is it…is it bad? Like really bad? Is that why you won't tell us?"
Steve knew what Clint was asking, and as terrible as it sounded, he knew this could be an out. And he felt awful to lie about that sort of thing, but he knew that it was the sort of thing that would prompt no further questions after it was over. "Maybe, possibly. Probably not. But y'know, there's always that tiny bit of doubt. It' probably just a ruptured spleen or something. Really, don't worry about it. I'll update you in the morning." It wasn't the best answer ever, but honestly, he was just tired. Tired of everything, and Clint seemed to sense that. "Take care of her."
"I always do."
He walked back into the room, and was taken aback by the fact she was sitting up, her legs crossed, and was crying. Not dramatic waterworks, but silent crying, the kind of crying where you just couldn't stop, no matter what. He came over to sit on the bed next to her, placing a hand on her knee. "Are you okay?" He asked gently. She looked up at him, tears in her eyes as if to say 'What the fuck do you think?'
"Sorry. Stupid question." At least she was crying now, he knew how to comfort a crying Natasha. He placed his other hand on her shoulder, making his intentions clear. He always did that when he wanted to hug her, but didn't know whether she'd want it or not. And this time, she clearly did want the comfort, as she immediately fell into his body, letting him wrap his arms around her as she buried her face in his chest. Holding her close to him lessened the pain in his heart, just knowing that he had someone he loved close to him. "I don't know why I'm crying. I don't want kids."
He sighed, trying to digest her words. "Maybe you do." He suggested, lifting her ever so slightly so she could look at him.
"I don't think so Steve." She shook her head, going back to rest on him. He shifted so he sitting against the back of the bed with her in his lap. He thought hard about what he was going to say next, or even if it was a good idea. He knew he was right, but whether she would even listen to him much less appreciate what he said was a different matter. "Nat, if you truly didn't want kids, you wouldn't be upset. Have you ever thought that the reason you don't want kids is because it's easier to believe it's your choice not to have them?" He wasn't saying it because he wanted to hope. He didn't care if she wanted children or not, if she truly didn't want them, they wouldn't have them. But he'd always had this inkling that it wasn't entirely true that she didn't want kids. Whenever she would say it, he always heard the doubt in her voice, but he'd never dreamed of mentioning it to her. Until now, because maybe it was important now.
"Maybe. I just don't really want to think about what I want, because it doesn't matter. Not really." She shook her head, pulling away from him and looking down at her fingers. Steve's heart broke even more than it was already. He knew how hard she fought against all the things she was taught as a child, but this had her slipping back into her old thought process. And he wasn't going to let that happen. He wasn't going to let this ruin her. "Don't say that Nat. It's not true."
"It is though. Because I have no control over life, not really. I never have. So it doesn't matter what I want because I can't have it." She'd stopped crying, but her eyes were wide with tears, looking at him with such hurt and pain. He just wanted to kiss it all away so it would stop hurting, so she could stop hurting.
"Maybe this is a sign that's not entirely true." He suggested, and she just shook her head at him, her bottom lip quivering as she tried not to cry again. "Don't give me hope Steve."
"Where there's tears there's hope." He'd read the line in a book once, and whilst it was completely ridiculous, the small little smile that came over her face was completely worth it. "That's so incredibly corny."
"Did it work?" He asked, and she leant back into him, letting him wrap his arms around her again. "Kinda." She chuckled weakly, and he raked her hand through her hair, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He could tell she didn't want to talk anymore, so he just sat with her as she took shuddering breaths and let out small whimpers. Eventually, he thought she'd fallen asleep, but her mind had just gone into mush.
She didn't know what to think. Regardless of the fact her entire abdomen hurt, she'd never felt pain like this before. This never end, all-consuming pain that she thought she'd never be able to get out of. Her head was swimming in thoughts, all fleeting, but all agonizing. Whatever drugs they'd given her had worn off, but she couldn't bring herself to ask for more. She deserved the pain. She hurt everything she touched, even her own child. What kind of person killed their own child? And logically, she knew there wasn't anything she could've done, but that didn't get rid of the guilt sitting in her heart. Because it was her fault, it was her fault she couldn't keep Steve's baby alive. She was hurting him, hurting him because her body failed. "What if this happened again? It's bad enough losing something before you know you had it, but what if we knew, what if-"
Steve brought one of his fingers under her chin, tilting her face so she was forced to look at him. "Hey, don't think about that. Don't focus on the what ifs."
"Steve…" She choked out, and he pressed a soft but insistent kiss to her lips, silencing her. "We'll be more careful in the future. Well, we'll be careful. This isn't gonna happen again Nat, not unless you want to try." She shook her head at that, tears leaking put of her eyes and trailing along her cheeks. "I don't think I can ever go through this pain again." She admitted softly, and his thumbs came up to wipe the tears off her cheeks before letting his forehead rest on hers, their noses brushing.
"And you wont ever have to Tash. I promise." They both knew he couldn't promise that, but it was good enough for now, and a tiny little piece of Natasha's heart repaired itself. Steve told her not to focus on the what ifs, but she couldn't help but imagine Steve with a tiny little bundle of blankets, rocking their perfect little baby with his eyes and her hair to sleep. And fuck, maybe she did want to be a mother, maybe she did want to love someone unconditionally and unequivocally, and maybe she would be. But she knew there would always be an entire section of her heart seared with pain, and love, and protection for her little baby that never had the chance to live.