A/N oh joy, everyone's favourite topic, Avery. Sorry, couldn't avoid it for s3 on the time lapse...
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God, she had missed this.
Kurt, kissing her all over, completely freely. There's no hint of tension in his touch anymore, the last of their mutual lies finally far enough in the background.
It's a lot different, looking at it all with the advantage of hindsight. She knows now why he'd been so taut at times, after he'd come to get her in Nepal; how the secret he'd been keeping would have weighed down his relief in finding her. She had been reading his subtle tightness as a reaction to her absence and the little tidbits that kept coming out about the time she'd been away. But then the facts had finally spilled out, the truth crushing her very soul.
Even now it's still hard to look at him and know he held his secret for so long. But with some distance and perspective, Jane's finally able to realize how much he suffered too. As much as it had been cowardice on his part to not tell her immediately, her heart can feel for Kurt again; recognize how guilty he must have felt, how much he'd already paid for his mistake. Including her own actions and words when he finally told her, then basically throwing her own secret in his face.
In typical Kurt fashion he hasn't brought up her infidelity since she forced him to interact with her erstwhile K&R partner. But she knows that it had certainly added to his tenseness, the space between them.
Then there was Avery, all the worry she had tied up in a teenager that rightfully resented everything that was happening to her. That had affected her relationship with Kurt too, her over-protectiveness of Avery ironically setting off his own worry about her.
At least getting shot in the arm again had led to Avery being less pissed off at her; gained her some anxiety-induced respect. Not that she'd wanted everything to go to shit at Avery's godmother's place, but at least some good had come out of it. Now Jane didn't feel quite so guilty about confining her daughter to the apartment, being so overbearing. And it helped that Avery hadn't complained once in the day since they both almost died, had even been appreciative and more open too.
She's startled out of her thoughts by Kurt's kisses as his mouth makes its way past the erogenous zone behind her ear then down her left shoulder, pausing when he reaches the gauze over her newest wound.
"It's nothing," she says. Not much more than a graze, it had been barely deep enough to make her worry about blood loss.
But of course Kurt doesn't seem to agree, brushes his lips across the dressing on her upper arm excessively gently before making his way back up to the nape of her neck.
When his mouth makes it all the way up her spine, he nibbles at her earlobe, almost gets a giggle out of her.
"I dunno, Avery seemed pretty scared," he murmurs, hot against her ear.
Jane bites back a grin, feels an involuntary flash of warmth in her chest. At the time she had only felt guilty and concerned about making Avery so panicked. But after the fact, she can't help but feel a little nudge of satisfaction at her daughter's reaction.
"Yeah. I guess she just hasn't seen someone shot before," Jane says. "It made it seem like a big deal."
"Or maybe she cares more about you than you think," Weller replies.
Jane sighs. They shouldn't be talking about this, she wants to just lose herself in Kurt's hands, his mouth. But she can't help it once the thought takes hold, still carries so much guilt and shame around something she can't even remember.
"How can she?" Jane asks sadly. "All she knows is I gave her up and didn't fight for her. My own kid."
"Oh Jane," Weller sighs, his mouth perched beside her ear, his hands drawing soothing lines along her spine. "The more she knows you the more she'll understand you didn't have a choice."
"There's always a choice, Kurt," she argues, shaking her head angrily. "I let Shepherd take her."
"You were a child, Jane," Kurt tries.
"You were a child when Taylor went missing and you never forgave yourself for that. You were only ten Kurt. I was nearly an adult."
She has never been more disappointed in herself, not even after screwing everything up and being coerced into framing Mayfair. At least that had been forced, an honest mistake.
But how could she not have protected her kid after her own childhood of being adopted into an abusive situation? It's unthinkable to her now, makes her feel like there's rot inside of her.
"You didn't have a choice, Jane," Weller repeats. "Avery was taken from you; you didn't just let her go. Even if she never really understands that, I do."
"There must have been something I could have done," Jane insists. "A way out for both of us."
Thankfully, Avery had grown up in a relatively normal environment, unaware of her adoptive father's secrets. In fact, her life had only gotten dangerous because of Roman. And that had only happened because of Roman's need for revenge. So maybe it was a good thing she'd let Avery get taken all those years ago. She'd only made things worse for her daughter, even from a distance.
Jane sighs mentally, hates it when she starts to go down the rabbit hole of regret but sometimes it's impossible to stop. She's messed up so many things in her short remembered life already; is desperately afraid that she's going to screw it all up and Avery's going to get hurt.
"God, you are so stubborn," Kurt sighs, his voice full of tired affection.
His hands are blindly making a familiar pattern underneath her shirt, he knows all of her markings by heart. She feels the slight roughness of his thumbs against her scars, the way he loves them with the same intensity he loves her.
After all they'd been through, she's so thankful to have him again, to be on the far side of all the lies. There's no one else she can talk to, no one else that really knows her. Even if he is unfailingly forgiving of her, sometimes frustratingly so.
"Well it's true," Jane says. "I should have protected her."
"Yeah well you protected her now," Kurt replies. "There is no doubt in my mind that you would have done everything you could have back then too. I know you, Jane. Your determination is pretty much unstoppable."
Jane winces internally, shakes her head. It's goddamned hard to resist his comfort, especially when he won't stop touching her in that way, his lips everywhere.
"Stop it," she mutters, even as she leans further into his touch.
"What?" Kurt breathes, nuzzling her behind her ears as his hands make their way down her back, tracing the last of her scars.
"Making things better," Jane groans softly, reaching for his hands and pulling his arms tightly around her waist.
He's so irritatingly convincing, absolutely heartfelt. Her stern special agent, always there to lift her up with kind words and a disapproving frown whenever she's down on herself.
She leans into him, lets the last of her tension go. It feels so good to have Kurt wrapped all around her; his mouth all over her again.
Then when he's finally worked out all of her anxiety and she's completely loose, she turns to him and pulls him into a deep thankful kiss, her lips ready to return his love. Just then though, there's a knock on the door and she has to pull away with a sly regretful smile at the interruption; shakes her head in mock exasperation.
"Of course," she sighs. "Take out's here."