When Killua opened his eyes the next morning, he could still remember his dream. He was unaware of the sunlight currently filtering in through his curtains, the soft covers that encapsulated him, and the tranquil silence that danced through the room. Instead, all that existed were Gon's golden eyes, the sensation of his soft lips barely meeting Killua's, and Killua's quiet gasp as he had realized that what he had wanted for so long had been finally about to happen.

But none of it had been real. And Killua knew that it would do him some good to remember that.

By the time Killua had gotten ready for the day and entered the kitchen, he had realized something: it was still eight in the morning.

Of course. He had gone to bed early, instead of spending time with Gon until late at night like he usually did.

Brushing this thought aside, Killua spotted a note on the kitchen table. He picked it up, recognizing Kurapika's neat handwriting.

Killua –

I had to leave early for work, but I'll be back by the afternoon.

Below, I've left some instructions that have to do with what we discussed last night.

Once Killua finished reading, he had a pretty good idea of what Kurapika was trying to do.

He hadn't exactly agreed to Kurapika's plan the previous night. He had only said maybe. Killua squirmed uncomfortably as he thought about what it would mean to agree to Kurapika's offer. He could simply throw this note away and continue to struggle on his own with his disgraceful feelings.

But that would mean ignoring Kurapika's attempt at trying to take away at least some of the anguish that Killua felt. It would mean looking his friend in the eye once he returned later that day, and saying that he didn't want any of his compassion.

He would go along with the plan for now, just to please Kurapika. That was what Killua told himself as he pulled ingredients out of the cupboards and placed a pan on the stove.

To be honest, the only time in his life that Killua had touched a stove before now had been when he and Gon had first rented the suite in this hotel room and failed miraculously at making chicken noodle soup. A smile caressed Killua's lips at the memory. They sure could have used Kurapika's help back then.

Minutes later, he saw the door open out of the corner of his eye.

"Good morning, Killua!" Gon's voice shook the peaceful quiet, transforming it into something that sparkled with life and created a rush of color.

For a moment, all Killua could do was stare as his heart filled with sunlight and warmth. "Hey, Gon," he said, a beat too late. Then, he remembered the dream and focused his gaze on the sizzling pan before him so that Gon wouldn't notice his blush.

"You're making pancakes? I didn't know you could cook!" Gon teased. Killua felt him looking over his shoulder as the sweet aroma wafted up from the pan.

"Well, now you know." For some reason, he felt his blush grow more intense. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Gon had taken a few steps closer to him.

Gon sighed, and Killua felt the ends of his hair stir in response. "I couldn't sleep at all. I was worried about you, but Kurapika said that you were sleeping and that I shouldn't wake you up."

"There's nothing to be worried about. The date was fine." Killua flipped over the last pancake and tossed it onto a plate.

Then, Gon rested his hand on Killua's shoulder. Killua turned to face him. They were standing so close to each other, close enough that he could feel Gon's body heat rushing through him, so close that he could count each strand of the tousled hair falling into Gon's eyes.

"You keep saying you're okay, but I can tell you're not. If something happened, you can tell me." Gon's eyes shone with such determined loyalty that Killua felt guilty about lying to him.

"I just...It's not a big deal, but I guess I was disappointed that things didn't work out." Killua shrugged, unable to meet Gon's eyes. He focused his gaze on the deep red floor tiles instead.

But when he didn't hear Gon say anything else, he couldn't help but look up. After all, silences were rare whenever Gon was around to fill them.

What Killua found was Gon beholding him with a curious frown that soon loosened into a sympathetic smile. "It's okay, Killua," Gon reassured him, his normally energetic voice sounding gentler than usual. "Leorio says we're both too young for dating anyway."

Now it was Killua's turn for silence. He blinked. "Are you serious? He really said that?"

"Yeah, I can't believe it either."

They both began laughing at the same time, and for a moment, just a moment, Killua forgot about last night's tears and indirect confession of repressed love. All that Killua could perceive right now was their subsiding laughter and how close Gon was still standing to him. Why hadn't he moved away yet? Didn't he know that this was how close he usually was in Killua's dreams?

Killua was the first one to move away, and Gon was the first one to try the pancakes once they had both seated themselves at the table.

Gon's eyes widened in childlike wonder at the first bite. "This is so good! You should do all the cooking from now on!"

Puzzled, Killua broke off a piece of the pancake and plopped it into his mouth. He bit into the soft top layer, the rich Nutella at the center melting into his taste buds.

Killua had been skeptical at first, but there was no denying it now – Kurapika was definitely a skilled chef who could put the local restaurants to shame. And if Killua had anything to say about it, Kurapika would be sharing more of his recipes with him from now on.

"Thanks. I actually got up early so that I could make this for you." It was another lie, albeit one he was sure Kurapika would have wanted him to make. "I mean, I know you love Nutella."

Killua studied Gon's reaction carefully. "Really?" A soft smile spread over Gon's lips. "That's really nice of you."

Encouraged by this, Killua took another risk. "I just remembered! I forgot to tell you something."

"What is it?" Gon asked, still smiling, spearing his fork with another piece of his pancake.

"I had my first kiss yesterday."

This time, Killua studied Gon's expression even more thoroughly. "Oh." Gon stared into space, looking thoughtful. "It's weird; I've never really thought about doing stuff like that. I always thought it would happen when I was older. What was it like?"

"It was still good, even though things didn't work out in the end." Killua felt like a weight had dropped inside him. What had he been expecting? Of course Gon wouldn't be jealous. Gon wasn't like Killua. He was the way that boys were supposed to be.

But how could he know that for sure? How was he to interpret the lingering smiles, the looks of concern, the closeness, the loyalty, but also the indifference towards Killua's romantic endeavors? Did it all add up to mean anything significant?

With this tangled vine of thoughts in his mind that he couldn't hope to banish, Killua was torn between wanting to uncover Gon's true feelings for him, if there were any to uncover at all, and desiring to quell the feverish fog of passion that rose up within him whenever he so much as thought about his best friend.

"Killua?"

Killua was jolted out of his ruminations by Gon's hand waving in front of his face. "Hmm?"

"You were doing that thing again where you randomly get lost in space," Gon said with an innocent giggle, a bit of Nutella smeared on his left cheek.

"Oh yeah?" Killua said, trying to sound cool. "Well, you're doing that thing again where you get food all over yourself. Here, let me get that."

He grabbed a napkin, ready to take on Kurapika's role as the parent of the group. But it wasn't until he finished dabbing away at the spot on Gon's face that he realized just how intimate this gesture was. He immediately pulled away, as though he'd been zapped by lightning.

Killua sat there, frozen, feeling as though each second that passed by were static with electricity. He ached to allow his hand to linger on Gon's smooth, tanned face, longed to brush his fingers through Gon's dark locks that had yet to be styled today. Did it mean something that Gon met Killua's stare with his own, gold clashing with sapphire? Or was he only staring because Killua was? Was Killua staring too much?

The second that the door creaked open, Killua jumped back in his chair, causing a loud thump to sound throughout the small kitchen.

"Ah, good! Both of you are up!" Leorio was already dressed in his usual business suit and tie, his black hair perfectly combed.

Reality came crashing back to Killua, and he felt even more frozen than before.

Leorio looked over at Killua. "Killua! I've been meaning to ask you something. Come."

Killua got up, his legs feeling like lead. The room vanished, and he was transported back to the courtyard in the Zoldyck manor.

He could hear the water splashing down as it arced over the fountain, cherry blossom petals raining down around him in response to the wind's touch. Killua had been eight years old at the time, perched on the edge of the fountain, admiring the young, handsome butler as he had swept up the petals on the other side of the yard.

Julian had been Killua's first crush. Of course, being that Julian had been nineteen at the time, there had been no hope of him looking in Killua's direction. All the same, it had not stopped Killua from noticing the silky dark hair that tumbled across his forehead, the dark eyes that sparkled with life, nor the way that he always gave Killua and his siblings a kind smile whenever they gave him orders.

Killua had fallen into a daze, stealing glances from across the courtyard, unaware that Illumi had taken a seat beside him until he had spoken his name.

Killua had jumped, tilting his head up to meet his brother's dead stare, and he had frozen into place like a pond in a blizzard.

"This is the third time I've caught you looking at him like that. Do you not remember what happened last time when I told Father about it?"

There had been no way for Killua to forget the electrical shocks he had endured mere months ago. Worst of all had been his father's reaction. His father had been so distressed that he had not even told Killua's mother or grandfather about what Killua had done.

Killua had not been able to muster the courage to respond to Illumi. He had only been able to listen as he had continued speaking in a low monotone. "Promise me that, whenever you think about him from now on, you'll forget whatever it is you feel."

Forget his feelings? Would that be possible?

"Push the feelings away before they strengthen and become something worse." Those words had rung in Killua's head ever since.

Now, years later, this memory was still difficult for Killua to forget as he and Leorio stepped outside of the kitchen together.

"Killua?" Leorio asked, his eyes widening in concern. "You don't look okay."

"I'm fine." But he wasn't fine. The muscles in his face felt tense, and his voice shook. "What did you want to talk about?"

Killua's mind raced as he waited for Leorio to speak. He knew that Leorio must have seen how strangely he had been staring at Gon. Each beat of his heart was deafening and restricted his breathing.

"I overheard your conversation with Kurapika last night." Leorio ended his sentence on an uncertain note.

"What do you mean?" Killua said breathlessly, unable to control the way he'd begun to shudder, so subtly that Leorio probably didn't even notice.

"I know that you care about Gon as more than a friend. Anyone can tell by just seeing the way you are around him," he said carefully, kindness laced through every word. "And I'd like to help."

When Killua didn't answer, Leorio suddenly said, "Are you sure everything is okay –"

"I'm fine! I don't – I'm sorry, but I don't know what…what you're talking about…" Killua put a hand to his head, the room beginning to swim before him.

Leorio's usually carefree face was now more serious than Killua had ever seen it. "You're my friend, and I don't want you to be in denial over this. I want you to accept yourself and be happy."

Killua listened to Leorio's steady voice, the only thing anchoring him and preventing him from becoming caught up in a panic attack.

"You weren't supposed to know." Killua's voice broke, but he felt some of the air rushing back into his lungs. "I didn't want anyone else to find out."

"It's okay, Killua. What can I do to help you?" The fierce determination in his eyes reminded him of both Gon and Kurapika. His heart rate slowed. He had…such good friends.

But it wasn't enough. His friends couldn't do anything that would ever convince him to be okay with who he was, who he would always be.

And so, with sorrow flooding his heart, he shook his head. "I don't want anyone to help me anymore. You and Kurapika – you're both just making it worse."

Leorio looked as though he had been slapped across the face.

Killua turned his back on his friend, overcome with emotions he didn't completely understand, and ran upstairs to his room.

He shut the door, locking himself away from Gon, from Leorio, and from whatever obstacles that might push him to face his humiliation.