If Killua ever found out what Kurapika was thinking right now, he would be devastated.

As he sat there in the darkness of his room, looking over Zodiac documents, he thought of the lie he'd told Killua.

When Killua had first kissed him, he hadn't seen it coming at all. He'd been shocked out of his mind. After all, Killua was like a younger brother to him.

The truth was, he didn't feel butterflies when he was around Killua. And he hadn't felt that way for anyone since his clan's massacre. After that day, he'd discovered that, despite still being attracted to them, he couldn't muster true feelings for females anymore.

In the past few months, he'd also discovered his attraction to men, but of course, he couldn't feel much for them either. Not that romance had ever been a top priority for Kurapika - but the numbness in his heart had always been strange and alarming to him. He wondered if it would go away even once he claimed all of the scarlet eyes one day.

When he'd kissed Killua, it had been an impulsive decision. He'd seen him standing there with tortured eyes, a kidnapped sister, a future he couldn't control, and now unrequited feelings for someone who was utterly broken. And he'd wanted to make him happy.

There was no way he could tell Killua that the kiss had been a mistake - it would only sink him further into misery. But lying to him would do the same thing.

…

Kurapika entered the living room, the television blaring in the background. He could see the way Killua's shoulders tensed when he felt his presence, and how he nervously tugged at a lock of his snow-colored hair.

They hadn't spoken since Kurapika had arrived back from the palace, and now things were just...awkward. Kurapika had to restrain himself from nervously biting his lip.

"You could sleep in my room if you'd like." The second the words left Kurapika's mouth, he wanted to smack himself upside the head.

A faint red blush tinted Killua's porcelain face. "Moron! You know how that sounds, right? And anyway, I'm perfectly capable of sleeping on this couch right here."

"You're my guest, Killua. I insist."

Killua had no response to that, unless you counted that his face was even redder than before.

It seemed like Killua wanted him to leave, but...he couldn't. There was just too much to say. "About earlier..."

"You don't need to say anything. I get it." Killua sighed. "Come here. Let's talk."

Kurapika furrowed his brow, puzzled. He sat down next to Killua, making sure to keep his distance.

"You just wanted to make me feel better. That's why you did it." He wanted to erase that bitter, bitter smile from Killua's mouth. "But I just want to know something." He looked at Kurapika, sapphire eyes glowing. "Do you...like me like that at all?"

The question took him aback. He took a deep breath. "I . . . Please don't take this the wrong way, Killua. First and foremost, you're my best friend and nothing will ever change that."

Killua smirked. "If I wanted to hear something this sappy, I would have bought maple syrup. But continue."

"Ha ha, very funny," Kurapika responded wryly before smirking himself. Killua's habits were really starting to rub off on him, weren't they? "But it was more of a . . . physical feeling than a romantic one."

He braced himself for a negative reaction. He still remembered how much anguish Killua used to feel over Gon. He did his best to seem cool and aloof, but underneath all of that was someone who felt love much more intensely than Kurapika ever could.

Killua laughed humorlessly, making Kurapika's heart sink. Killua shouldn't sound like that, so lifeless and unlike himself. "It was only physical for me too. So, no hurt feelings here." Killua turned his head away, and Kurapika was alarmed when he saw his shoulders tremble and heard him sniff.

"Killua!" Kurapika came around to face him, kneeling so that they were at eye level.

Killua finally looked up, tears shining in his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"It's stupid." Pain flashed across his face and he stifled a sob with his hand. "I remembered Gon."

…

"I ran into him two years ago."

Killua recalled it as best he could. In his mind's eye, he still saw the rays of light pouring in through the shop window and illuminating Gon. Gon was breathtaking that day, having only grown more handsome as time had gone by. Beauty had always been effortless for him, the goodness of his heart radiant in his face.

To think that they'd bumped into each other in a candy store of all places, after not speaking for two years.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. Killua had tried, but Gon hadn't answered any of his phone calls.

Gon had had the nerve to apologize, saying that he'd been dealing with things similar to the Kite situation.

But resentment had pulsed through Killua's veins. "A real friend wouldn't ignore me for two years, no matter what else was going on in his life!"

A shadow had seemed to pass over Gon's unreadable expression, turning the light into dark. "That's the thing, Killua. You're too dependent on me for your happiness. You're clingy. You think about me all the time. It's like you think we're together or something."

Curious heads had turned their way, observing Killua with disgust.

And Killua had left, running away from trouble the way Illumi had trained him to.

…

"And you haven't heard from him since?" Killua nodded. To say Kurapika was surprised would be an understatement. Gon had changed. Or maybe he'd always been that way. When he was happy, he was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. But when things were rough . . .

Killua's dark lashes contrasted with his alabaster skin as he closed his eyes. He leaned down to rest his head on the pillow, his cheeks still streaked with tears.

"You need to stop thinking about him. You need to focus on yourself right now."

"I don't still . . . love him, if that's what you think," Killua said quietly, opening his eyes. "That day, he reminded me of . . . the things Illumi used to say."

Ah. So Kurapika's rejection had reminded him of Gon's rejection, which had triggered his guilt over being attracted to men.

"Tell Illumi he can go to hell and that I'll help him get there if you ever see him again."

Killua laughed, a genuine one this time. "Oh my God. You're really starting to sound like me." Killua's laugh was so carefree, like a light that could chase away Kurapika's darkness.

And then something strange happened. What was his heart doing?

It was fluttering.