This is a re-write. Don't me. Why am I posting this now instead of holding onto it till Halloween? Murder hornets, that's why.
"Blaine! Honey! Come on! We're going to be late!" Kurt emphasizes this point (to himself, at least) by checking his phone, pulling a sheepish face when he realizes it's only been a minute since the last time he scolded his husband. Still, his criticism stands. This costume party, organized each year by the Vogue event coordinators, promises to be campy as hell, but as a gay man, he can appreciate that. He's been looking forward to it for the past few months.
He'd like to get there some time before it's over.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," Blaine calls from behind their bedroom door. "I didn't think … mmph … I was … ugh! … taking too long. Besides … *grumble grumble grumble* isn't there … grrr … a certain greatness … mmph - to fashionable lateness?"
"Fifteen minutes is fashionably late," Kurt says, checking his face in the mirror to make sure he hasn't started sweating from all the pacing he's been doing. He doesn't want his makeup to smear before the world gets the chance to see his masterpiece. Good thing he added a healthy spritz of Urban Decay All Nighter, then Instagrammed it the second he finished. It's been duly recorded for posterity. "Twenty-five minutes is excusable. But close to an hour? That's just plain rude. If we take any longer, we might as well call it a night and go Trick or Treating instead."
"God, I would kill for a Snickers," Kurt hears Blaine mutter, and he laughs. "I'm sorry … urgh! … but this … (incoherent muttering) isn't an easy … frick frick frick! … costume to get into."
Kurt stops fussing with his makeup and grins. He's annoyed that they're late, yes, but he can't deny the fact that Blaine squeezing himself into a difficult costume has the potential to make up for it. Since the day they began dating, Kurt and Blaine opted for the 'couples costume' thing, alternating each year as to who picks the theme. Blaine goes for the same general idea every turn – a dynamic duo from either the MCU or DC Universe, or a problematic fave from reality TV. Kurt aims for more Broadway based or drama series inspired costume ideas – Elphaba and Fiyero, Loras and Renly, Agron and Nasir. But this time, he decided to take a different route - shake things up a bit. He picked out his costume, then had Blaine come up with a match, just to see how things would go if they played off one another, bearing in mind that the costume party has a theme.
This year's is Expect the Unexpected.
When Kurt chose to go with his own twist on a witch costume, Blaine was then tasked to find something to match. Surprisingly, he did so almost immediately … then refused to tell Kurt what it was.
And the suspense has been killing Kurt ever since.
Blaine could be going as a warlock - simple, maybe slightly unoriginal, but Kurt has faith in his husband to throw in a wrench somewhere. Since Kurt's rendition is Tonks influenced (complete with an ombre pink/blue/purple wig), Blaine may also follow the Harry Potter route (since it's his favorite book/movie franchise of all time) and go as a werewolf. Or he might be dressed as a witch's familiar.
A cat springs to mind.
A long, black, sinewy cat; a skin tight leotard exposing bulging biceps (along with a bulging something else); and a tail sliding between the crack of his muscular buttocks. That would explain the painful grunts and groans coming through the bathroom door.
That much cinch-y Spandex would be a bitch to put on after a shower and without any help.
Kurt lets that thought linger in the forefront of his mind for a moment, lets it settle into his body and do things to him.
And while he does, he whimpers.
If Blaine comes out of their bedroom dressed like that, they may end up leaving later than they already are … if they leave at all.
Of course, Blaine's superhero alter ego since high school is called Nightbird so there is a chance that - while still staying true to the Harry Potter vein - he's dressing like an owl.
Could a full-body suit of feathers be sexy? Kurt wonders.
He hates to admit the jury's out.
The door to their room opens while Kurt is daydreaming, so he doesn't notice his husband until he clears his throat and says, "So … what do you think?"
Kurt snaps out of his stupor at lightning speed, eager to see his husband's version of whatever character he came up with (please be a cat, please be a cat, please be a cat!), but finds himself stumped by the creature in front of him, swathed in brown latex and bearing his husband's face.
"That depends …" Kurt tilts his head from side to side, trying to find an angle that will ultimately reveal what he is, but he can't seem to find it. Kurt definitely got the 'skin tight' right, but whether or not that's a good thing, he has yet to decide. He circles his husband, looking him over from top to luscious bottom, but neither from front nor back can he figure out if Blaine is supposed to be some sort of animal … or a shiny turd with furry feet. The brown seems to have some kind of grain painted on. What could that mean? "… what are you supposed to be?"
Blaine raises his arms as best he can and announces, "I'm a broom!"
"A … a broom?"
"Yup."
"And why, of all the things you could have chosen, did you pick a broom?" Kurt asks, amazed that somewhere in the recesses of the web, some company (more than likely out of Hong Kong) came up with a broom costume … and his husband ordered one.
"You wanted me to pick out a costume that would match yours," Blaine reminds him. "Something unexpected …" He waddles over to his husband, trying his best to look sexy even though a good two feet of his costume sticks up over his head like a wonky dildo. "Plus, you know what they say …"
"And what is that?" Kurt asks, distracted by the fact that he has no idea how they're going to get Blaine into an Uber.
"If the broom fits …" Blaine pauses to bounce his eyebrows suggestively "… ride it."
"Does that fall along the lines of 'I licked it, so now it's mine'?"
"That makes every inch of my body yours then, doesn't it?" Blaine manages to wield his seductive voice even though he looks absolutely sexless. "Except maybe my feet below the ankles."
"Yeah, well, sorry, but I'm not into that." Kurt leans back to get another full look at his husband and shakes his head. "How long exactly did it take you to get into this?"
"Longer than I care to admit." Blaine attempts to tug at the rear of his outfit, leading Kurt to assume there may be some kind of attached brief underneath, causing him a latex uni-wedgie, and probably some unmentionable chaffing. "Does that deserve some kind of reward?"
"Possibly." Kurt crosses his arms. "Can I dress you up in something more appropriate if you get one?"
Blaine grins, but then he scowls, wiggling his body with a tortured expression on his face. "You know, originally I did all of this to vie for a little unnecessary external validation, but this costume is crushing me."
"That bad, huh?"
"A-ha. My butt itches like crazy, and I'm having trouble breathing. So, if you help me out of this, I promise, you can put me in anything you'd like."
"Good." Kurt walks over to his drafting table and grabs a heavy duty seam ripper. "Because I've always thought you'd make a stunning Morgan le Fay."
Blaine fixes his husband with an anxious expression as Kurt searches for an air pocket big enough for him to poke without impaling his husband. He has to give Blaine credit. This costume looks so painted on, he's having trouble finding any gaps at all. "Can I wear that McQueen thing with the red brocade coat and those black thigh high boots of yours?"
Kurt finds a safe spot and pricks it with the sharp tip of his tool. The material pops, giving way to a long rip down Blaine's left side, freeing him from his latex prison. He lets out a sigh that sounds downright orgasmic. It alone is worth lending him the boots. "Deal."