***Ch 3: The Sound of Silence (Past)***

2001 (Nine Months Later)

"Vera, baby, wake up," Joel mumbled with a sleepy growl in his voice, and he gently nudged Vera on the hospital bed. Immediately, she awakened. It saddened him that she was so restless. Almost on queue, she glanced around the room, and her face fell.

"Where's daddy?" she asked, although she already had a faint idea what had occurred while she was asleep.

"...he's gone..." Joel said after a long pause.

"He isn't comin' back," she stated, with tears pooled in her eyes.

"No, Vera, he ain't," Joel said, and a twinge of anger hung in his voice. In truth, Joel was surprised that Vera's father had even come to visit at the hospital at all. He did not stay long, and he left more angry than he'd been before when he realized that they intended to keep the child. When they had told him about the pregnancy, he immediately kicked his own daughter, his own flesh and blood, out of the house, although it did not surprise Joel in the slightest. Joel's impression, as well as Vera's constant complaints, reaffirmed in Joel's mind that her father was a selfish and angry man. Now, his actions had morphed this assumption into truth.

They were alone together, and were forced to make it on their own. Soon after the baby news, they were married without ceremony. Vera had dropped out of school, but planned on getting her GED when the time was right, so that she could go to college after their baby was older. Joel, on the other hand, finished school early months ago, but worked two jobs to save enough money to pay the rent and support them before the child came into the world.

His mother urged them to stay with her, which they'd done temporarily. However, he knew it was cramped. More importantly, he felt he needed to be responsible for a situation that he had caused. A newly married couple with a baby had no business as roommates. So, in an attempt to make things better, he and Vera had moved into a dinky studio apartment weeks ago. He still offered to help his mother with money should she need it, but she continuously reminded him that it was no longer necessary. Part of her ached for him...he was always working so hard, and trying to accomplish too much for those around him. And then there was that poor girl...

Vera and Joel were terribly unhappy. Sometimes, days would pass without a word being spoken between the both of them. Love, or whatever they had assumed that word meant, was no longer in the picture. Obligation had replaced affection, and although he would never tell her, it seemed evident that Joel despised Vera and himself. Though he felt the responsibility to take care of them, that was simply all he could offer. Vera could not blame him, because she too felt the same way.

Yet, Joel was a good man, and she knew that he would never leave her. This bothered her more than she would ever admit. She so badly wanted to love him, and to be loved by him, but circumstance would not allow it. In all honesty, she felt guilty for the poor soul. Over the course of her pregnancy, she had become more detached, and Joel was aware that it had escalated. For this reason, he refused to bother her about it, and the space between them had grown to irreconcilable differences.

"I know," Vera said, and interrupted both of their thoughts. They smiled sadly at one another.

"You thought up any names...?" he questioned, after a moment, in the hope to lighten the mood.

"If it's a boy, I thought of Carson or Andrew..." she said, and was lost somewhere in her thoughts when a small smile formed across her face. Pehaps the baby would allow them happiness once again.

"What if it's a girl?" he said after a small chuckle.

"If it's a girl...how do you like Sarah? I just hate all the other girl names."

"Sarah..." he threw the word around his mouth,"...I like it. Simple and sweet."

Almost on queue, another contraction rippled through her body, and she took a deep breath. Joel grabbed her hand, and rubbed her head softly.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked her in a small voice, and did not have the heart to look at her.

"No, but we don't have a choice," she admitted, and pressed the button for the nurse to come into the room.

Joel sat in the waiting room, and nervously fidgeted in his seat. Upon the stress of the labor, Joel had been ordered to leave the because he appeared to lose all the color in his face. The medical staff did not have it in them to attend to another faint-hearted husband. In all honesty, it was not the grotesque aspects of the birth that concerned him, but rather the fact that his life would never again be the same. The future weighed down on him with a heaviness that made him nauseous. Never had he felt so pathetic and selfish. Not once did it concern him about Vera's safety, and he openly admitted to himself that he could not bring himself to care for the safety of their child.

How could a man, or rather, a boy, so young love a child that was not planned? None of it mattered. Joel was stuck in his position.

"Sir?"

Joel looked up immediately.

"Yes?" he said, and felt sick once again but forced himself to keep it together.

"Your wife had her baby. A beautiful baby girl. You can go see them, if you'd like," the nurse suggested. Joel nodded before he rose to his feet and made the long journey down the hallway to the room.

The walls closed in around him, and he continued to stumble down the hallway, a struggle to keep himself upright as he began to see spots, and felt his lips go numb. Goddammit, get yourself together. Rise to the occasion... He paused outside the door, and gripped the frame to keep himself upright before he took a seat on the floor, with his back against the wall. Knees up, he placed his head between his legs to get more blood flow to his head. Thankfully, it was late at night, and he could be alone for the duration of his breakdown. After about five minutes of deep breathes, he rose, and paused at the entrance the room with a forced smile on his face.

Joel knocked softly on the door, and entered to a scene that would forever be embedded in his mind as the moment that changed his life forever.

Vera sat on the bed, and looked haggard but content, with a small, pink bundle in her arms. There was a genuine smile on her face that he hadn't seen in months. She gestured silently with a nod of her head for him to come sit next to her and take a peek at what they had created.

He took a deep breath, and slowly walked over to their side, fully prepared to feign happiness so that Vera would not be insulted. And yet, the moment that he sat down, the small bundle in her arms made a gurgle, and turned its little face in his direction.

Time stopped.

Like clockwork, he reached out to hold the baby, which was something he had never done before. But when she was placed in his arms it did not seem to matter in the slightest. No longer was he a man, an insignificant figure in the universe; he was a father, and now he was aware that he meant the world to the amazing bundle in his arms that seemed to love him unconditionally. Tears flowed down his face, and with a strong finger he caressed the baby's red little cheeks, and her button nose. Then, in the moment that sealed the deal, the little one took her small hand and grabbed his finger.

"My God...Sarah, right?" he marveled, and finally looked at Vera, who also cried.

"You ever see anything like that? Anything that perfect?" she urged, and Joel shook his head.

"Here I was worried that I wouldn't feel anything...I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong," he admitted, and laughed.

"I thought the same thing, but I was afraid to tell you," she said, and wiped her eyes. Perhaps they had more in common than he assumed.

"What I said before...when I found out you were expectin'...about our lives being over...I'm sorry. That was selfish," he apologized, and she nodded.

"It was selfish, but you were supposed to be selfish then. Being selfish now, however, would not be tolerable," she told him sternly.

"I know that now. I'll never do anything like that again," he promised.

"I love you, Joel," she said, and he cringed internally but kept composure on the outside.

"Love you too, baby," he lied, and felt terrible inside, but he felt it was more important to keep her happy.

As a father, he felt the correct reaction of love upon seeing his daughter. Unfortunately, the same could not be said about his wife. More than anything, he wanted to try to love her again, but he was not sure that he had ever loved her to begin with. Young love was often skewed by hormones and expectations, and that was no doubt what seemed to happen to them. Perhaps he knew that when she had suggested so long ago that they share their lives together. But, at that point it wasn't a priority to set boundaries. Maybe he should have seen it that way...

"When do we all get to go home?" he asked, attention on Sarah again as he continued to stare at her precious features.

"Two days, three at most," she said.

In time, maybe everything would work itself out, and they could function together as a happy, normal family.

Two Months Later

Sarah cried, all day and night, without break. Joel was thoroughly convinced that colic was the epitome of evil.

Some days he felt good that he was never home, and that he worked two jobs, because there he could experience the silence that his sanity depended upon. However, his love and devotion to his baby girl were unprecedented, and when he came home, he often did not sleep. Not only because Sarah's cries prevented him, but because he could not imagine not being by her side. All night he rocked her, in the hopes that his love could take her pain away, and provide Vera and with an environment suitable for a healthy mind.

Often he wondered how Vera would function in this house alone all day, but he was not sure she could function at all.

Joel sometimes worried about Sarah's safety while he was gone. Although, he was not sure if it was him being an over-protective parent, or if he was correct in his judgment that Vera's mental state had deteriorated rapidly after Sarah was born. When he would come home, often he found Vera staring at the walls, unable to find the strength deal with the baby. There were times were he wondered if she did that all day, and went without tending to Sarah's needs.

Sarah had developed severe diaper rash on top of the colic, which must have been very painful for the poor baby, and his only assumption was that she had developed it due to her mother's neglect while he was away. The house was a mess, and although he did not expect her to clean because she was his wife, he did want her to clean because she was home all day and the house clearly needed it. Joel did not have the heart to confront Vera about this, because he did not want to send her over the edge, and so he took on that role as well.

So very badly, he wanted her to talk to a professional, and allow her to get better. Professionals cost money, however, and without ample funds or insurance, there was no way in hell Vera could get the help she may have needed. Joel assumed he would continue to pay the medical bills from Vera's pregnancy and labor for the rest of his life with how expensive hospitals were without insurance.

Who was he to be upset that his wife could not function? All her dreams had been taken away with the birth of their child. All the friends she had ever made had moved away to college like young people were supposed to do, and yet here she was stuck at home with a husband and a baby. Yes, it was all their fault they had created a baby, and he took responsibility for their situation, but he still felt that she was allowed to mourn the loss of her freedom.

And then, he also wondered about baby blues. Those were normal, right? Was this just something that would come and go with the passage of time? As far as he knew, all she did was eat, sleep, and stare at the walls. When he tried to talk to her, however, she refused to listen or even reply.

One day, however, he simply could not take Vera's silence and neglect, and Sarah's cried filled the small apartment, which added to the already high tension. As he rocked her, he glared at Vera, in her customary position on the floor.

"Vera," he said severely, but she did not answer.

"Vera!" he spat, and she turned to look at him slowly.

"Listen, I don't know what you're going through, but I want to understand, because we can't live like this," he began, but she did not seem to hear it.

"...What?" she said, and Joel felt anger boil inside his veins. However, he took a deep breath, because he did not want to offend her by getting angry.

"I know you're sensitive right now, but you need help. And I don't know that I can give it to you," he admitted, and she nodded.

"How will I get help, Joel? You going to get me a psychiatrist? You going to send me away somewhere with money we don't have?" she said, and started to yell.

"Vera I-" he started, but was interrupted.

"-I don't care what you want! What about me? What about my hopes and dreams!?" she screamed.

"You and I are in this together! I have sacrificed everything that you have sacrificed, and I do more around here than you! So don't you tell me about sacrifice, dammit," he said through gritted teeth, and walked away to put Sarah down in her crib.

Vera got up and followed him.

"You didn't sacrifice anything. Your family was trailer trash from the beginning Joel, you were always destined to be an uneducated, blue collar worker. That's why I liked you so much! You were so different from me! But I was smart, Joel, oh I was so smart! And now I have nothing," she became belligerent, and cried like a mad woman. The words stung him, but he blinked the pain away.

"Lower your fuckin' voice...Sarah just stopped cryin'. Let's take this in the kitchen-" he whispered, and did everything to control his anger, but was interrupted again.

"I'll do whatever I damn well please! I haven't been outside in weeks! I only have you and that demon baby to look at! I'm so sick of it all! Sick!" she continued to scream.

"Why are you here then? Leave if you'd like, you don't do anything here anyway!" he finally yelled back, and realized he no longer cared about her feelings, but was very shaken by her uncharacteristic behavior.

"No...you leave," she whispered, eyes wild.

"I ain't leaving," he argued.

"Leave or I'll call the police!" she threatened.

Immediately, Joel took Sarah from the crib and began to pack for the both of them.

"Fine. Sarah and I will leave. I'll let you rot here alone," he spat.

"You can't take her away!" she yelled, and he began to laugh bitterly.

"If I leave her with you, she'll die! You don't feed her, you don't change her diapers, I think you're the reason she's so damn upset all the time. You're a terrible mother!" he finally admitted, and Vera ran out of the room and threw herself on the couch as she began to sob wildly.

Joel was thoroughly embarrassed for his wife, and he was hurt, but his anger and desire to get Sarah to a safe place was more important than Vera's emotions. If she wanted to be selfish, then he would let her wallow on her own self-pity. God knows he hadn't been allowed to do any of that, even when he wanted.

As soon as he left the house with Sarah in his arms, and placed her safely in the car, he realized they had nowhere to go. Yes, he could go back to his mother's house, but he felt guilty to involve her with the dramatics of his relationship. Broken-hearted, Joel drove through the night and cried at the unfairness and cruelty of the world, as well as shattered dreams.

He swore that he would never raise his child in an environment like that.

The sun began to rise on the road some hours later. Joel chanted to himself like a mantra. He was no longer motivated by emotions, rather, he'd found logic when he cleared his head.

They did not love each other when they married, and they would never love each other at this rate. Maybe, just maybe, he could move back in with his mother and Tommy until he got back on his feet. Joel realized that he would need to pack all of their belongings. He returned home as dawn began to break in the hope that Vera would still be asleep, so that he could leave peacefully.

When he entered the house, however, there was an eerie silence.

Joel ignored this and packed quickly, because Sarah was still in the car. For a moment he wondered if he was over-reacting, but confirmed to himself that this was what was best for all of them. Perhaps she could go on to college now without the burden of a child...maybe she could be happy. Joel, however, was adamant in his mind that Sarah would stay with him, and he knew that deep down Vera could not care in the slightest. It didn't matter to him. As long as he had Sarah, he would figure out the rest.

Almost done, Joel entered the bathroom to grab his toothbrush and razor, but was appalled at what he found.

Shocked, he stood there unable to move, and unable to breathe.

Vera's body, pale and lifeless, was bloodied in the bath.

Joel was not sure how long he screamed before he called the ambulance.

Remember the scene in The Hotel where Joel looks into the bath tub and makes a comment to Ellie about suicide? I don't know, that really stuck with me for some reason. There are also no pictures of her mother, and Joel was especially tender while he dealt with the suicide of Bill's partner. It just made sense to me that this could have occurred. Hopefully, it made sense to you too.