The events of this chapter mention the epilogue of One Night Live…if you have no idea what that is, I recommend a quick read about it online to understand.
***Chapter 4: A Home (Present)***
2034
Joel shuddered awake, sweat lined across his brow. Nightmares, as common as they were, did not usually consist of memories of his ex-wife. No…that was something that he often forgot, because although tragic, it paled in comparison after Sarah's death. Perhaps he was heartless for his lack of emotional distress. Or, perhaps he'd been altered to dissociate and numb feelings of grief. However, the event of Vera's suicide helped prepare him for the waves of loss, disappointment, and dread that would eventually come to haunt him once the infection ripped his world apart.
There were a few years there in the beginning, when Sarah was a toddler, where he really struggled with feelings of guilt and shame. His mother had begged him not to blame himself for his wife's death. Yet, he wondered if there was something more that he could have done to save her life. It made him more reserved and introspective. For years, he'd struggle with insomnia, nightmares, flat affect, and even aggression. But, Sarah as his first priority truly helped him as his only coping mechanism. It's not like he was ever willing to discuss the trauma that had occurred. Even when his mother tried to suggest he looked shellshocked, he refused to acknowledge it. One morning, he simply woke up and decided to stop blaming himself, because he realized he didn't have the time.
Part of him was lucky everything traumatic had happened so early. Sarah never inquired much about her mother, because she never remembered her presence or the pain it caused. Between him, Uncle Tommy, and Grandma, he hoped she'd never feel she lacked affections. Rough as he was, Joel was always warm with his little girl. Once preschool started, and she realized she was different from other little girls, she had asked about Vera. Though shocked at first, he made it simple, and tried to explain as best he could. Once Sarah got older, he was able to explain the whole truth. Luckily, after some tears, she had acknowledged it and faced acceptance.
In fact, she did a much better job than her father ever could. Sarah was special...in that way...
As he lay there, and contemplated old memories, he became aware of a certain warmth next to him in bed. Although he knew who it was, he could not help but turn slowly to glance over his shoulder, only to see Ellie asleep next to him. A small smile spread across his face, and he chuckled at their similarities.
Musta' had a bad dream, too.
The new house definitely had enough room for two people to sleep alone, and yet it seemed that more often than not Joel would awake in the middle of the night to find her sound asleep. Parallel to his body, safe in her own space, as though an invisible wall was between them. What was most humorous was that Ellie always made sure to leave the room before he would wake in the morning, as if it was her own secret routine. Joel never bothered to tell her that he knew, for fear that it might embarrass her or make her feel juvenile. Also, in part, because the display of codependency warmed him more than he would ever care to admit.
Jackson had been their new home for roughly six months. Tommy and Maria had done an exceptional job to include them in the everyday routine of their community, filled with work and play. Joel was ever grateful for their hospitality, but he had to admit that he missed the simplicity of interaction between him and Ellie when it was just the two of them.
For the first time in years, Joel could feel a small sense of kinship with a community. There was comfort in the knowledge that every day had a specific routine. Infected were still a part of life, but they could be almost forgotten for brief periods of time, which was a relief in itself. It certainly was odd that things often seemed…normal…or as normal as they could be.
Tommy had even tried to romantically introduce a woman to Joel a few weeks ago, named Esther, and they had attempted to get to know each other. However, in the back of his mind, he just could not allow himself to fully develop a relationship with this new woman. In addition to that, he did not want Ellie to feel like she wasn't his first priority while he tried to play eligible bachelor in the community. The whole idea filled him with discomfort and mild disgust. Too old and too worn out for that shit...
Just last night, in the midst of his doubt, Joel had knocked on Ellie's door to have a conversation about Esther. Although, he was sure that it wasn't an in-depth discussion. It's not like he needed permission from a fifteen-year-old girl. But, he did feel he owed it to her to at least inform her of what his future intentions might be. Although everything had been great since they had settled, Joel was well aware that she appeared to be more distant than usual. He was not sure if it was simply his imagination or if it truly was something that they needed to discuss.
Does she know I lied?
It was something he worried about constantly. At times, when he would ask how she felt, she would shrug and ignore the question. She was a hard worker, and she tried to socialize some with the kids her age, but it was clear she was distant. Especially once the novelty of Jackson wore off. Joel was not one to pry, however, and he felt it was more respectful toward Ellie if he did not try to force emotions out of her. After all, she had always respected him. They had been through hell together, which was sure to morph the mind of an innocent girl.
Maybe it also had to do with the fact that he never got to see Sarah at this age. Adolescence was tough, and he didn't want to take value away from that understanding. It always seemed now that there was an undercurrent of angst or betrayal flickering around her eyes. It pained him to watch her struggle. Therefore, though he had mentioned this woman to Ellie in order to gauge her response, he was not sure if she had accepted the idea. He was sure that if he initiated intimate contact with Ester, that Ellie might truly feel less valuable.
He would not have that one bit.
(Later That Morning)
Joel stood in front of the stove, thankful for electricity from the hydroelectric plant. He scrambled some fresh eggs from the chickens in the backyard. Small, quick footsteps traversed down the staircase, and Joel smiled to himself. He felt Ellie's presence get closer, but continued to cook in silence. One thing he had learned here was that in their routine, was that Ellie was not particularly a morning person.
"Cooking this early?" she managed to mumble, sleep thick in her voice, as she sat at the kitchen table.
"Figured it might help waking you up," Joel chuckled.
"Why…it's Saturday?" she questioned.
"We had a hike planned for today, did you let that slip your mind…" he taunted, somewhat hurt that she had forgotten. He turned around slightly, eyes wide, and Ellie laughed.
"I didn't forget. Don't lie to me or yourself, this isn't really a hike, it's to scavenge outside the fence and find more canned goods for the stockpile," she accused, and Joel began to smile again at her sharpness.
"Yeah, but it don't mean we can't have some fun on the way. Just you and me on our own time, we haven't done anything like that in a while…" he said, and turned toward her optimistically.
For some reason these words seemed to damper her mood. Her eyes turned downward, and they were silent while they ate. He glanced at her constantly, and watched the way the food seemed to exhaust her energy. There was worry painted on his face, and yet she looked like a blank canvas.
Once he finished, he sat there a few moments more, and watched her play with the eggs that remained on her plate.
"Kiddo you don't...you don't gotta finish, if you don't want," he finally urged.
She continued to twirl her fork in tiny circles. A few moments later, he cleared his throat.
"Ellie," he pleaded.
"Huh?" she finally glanced up, and appeared lost. He blinked slowly, pain evident across his face.
"C'mon, let's get movin'," he finally stated, and she nodded and got up to pack her bag.
The sun still made its way beyond the cover of the trees, and it started to warm the dew on the grass. As they left the fence for outside, he noticed a change in her. She glanced eagerly at the birds and the wildlife. Suddenly, it was like a part of her came back again.
"Joel," she called, almost optimistic, and turned to him.
He felt warmth, and raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah?"
"You mentioned Sarah to me when we first got here. Tell me about her," she requested. He took a deep breath, and thought for a moment. She noticed, and became nervous.
"Uh, I'm sorry. You don't have to, if you don't want-"
"-No, no no. It's all right. It's, uh, it's good to talk about it. I'm just thinkin'," he mumbled and reassured.
"Oh, okay. Take your time."
She watched him as they walked, and as he thought to himself. It was almost as though he were talking to himself in his head, and she could see him processing whatever it was that he prepared to say. Something about it was endearing, in a way.
"Sarah was...everything. She was kind of a hardass, like you. But, she was funny, and kind. She had a lot more spunk than I do, even then. Used to exhaust the hell out of me," he laughed to himself.
"It seems like you two were really close," she remarked with a smile.
"Yeah, all of us were," he nodded to himself.
"Who is all of us, exactly? Is that okay, to ask? I'm sorr-" she questioned, and lost some of her confidence.
"-Yeah, yeah...you, uh, you don't have to apologize. Me, and Tommy, and our mother. Sarah's grandmother, you know," he added, and looked at her.
"Oh, that's nice. You all lived in the same town?"
"Mmhm, not too far from each other. Tommy was over all the time. We worked together. Sarah and I got the house when she was 'bout, I dunno, six or so," he reminisced.
"And, your mom? What about your dad?"
"Momma was always close. She passed when Sarah was about ten...devastated the poor girl. Uh, I didn't really know my dad," he grumbled.
"Oh," she finally responded.
"My choice, not his. It's fine," he added.
"Do you ever know what happened to him?" she asked, slowly.
"Nope, but definitely dead now," he added, and chuckled to himself.
"Harsh, Joel," she quipped, but smiled.
They walked on for a while in silence. Both of them knew it was uncharacteristic for him to open up this much, and even then, he was still vague. But, she was welcome for the progress. They gathered a few cans in run-down barn some miles away from the settlement. Part of him hoped that by opening up, maybe he could get her to talk as well. Now that there was a clear incentive, he decided to let everything play out. Eventually, Joel broke the silence.
"You didn't ask about my wife," he taunted, and had the slightest playful look on his face.
"Uhhh, am I allowed? Dude, this is like epic for you," she gasped.
"Well, ya wanna know or not?" he continued.
"Well yeah, asshole! Gimme the details!"
He smiled, but took a deep breath.
"We got married because I knocked 'er up. I thought she was really somethin' for a while. I wanted to do the right thing. Graduated early, worked two jobs..." he trailed off, almost lost in thought.
"What did she look like?" she asked, interested beyond belief.
"Um, she resembled Sarah. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Not rough like me at all," he snickered to himself.
"So, did she...did she like...pass...when the outbreak happened?" she finally managed to ask.
"After she had Sarah she kind of...lost her mind, I guess. She killed herself," he finally mumbled. Ellie's face twisted.
"Wait...Joel, I'm so sorry. Oh my god?" she looked appalled.
"She killed herself because we were kids, and we didn't know what we were doin'. I planned to leave with Sarah to give her a chance at a new start. She killed herself because of me, actually..." he rambled.
There was something in him that she had never seen before. She was grateful, and yet very confused at his showcase of emotion and vulnerability.
"I don't think that's fair to like, blame yourself. I mean, that's not okay. There was nothing you could have done," she finally said.
"Well, there's more I coulda done, but, I think you're right. I don't know. I just I didn't have time to think about it then," he added.
"...Because you had responsibilities?" she questioned.
He nodded, and smiled sadly.
"Wait, how old were you?"
He laughed outloud.
"Seventeen...damn," he chuckled to himself. Her eyes bulged out of her head.
"I can't believe that's only a few years more than me now. You'd seen a lot for your age. The world wasn't that way then, right?" she questioned, confused. He just shrugged.
"It's always been a shitty place, but no, nothing like it is now. It was good practice, though," he added.
"Fuck, you're a cynic," she added.
"You've seen a lot for your age, too, kiddo," he lead in. She stopped dead in her tracks for a moment, and then took a deep breath.
"I mean, I guess. Yeah. But, that's expected nowadays," she brushed off.
"Maybe so, but that don't make it hurt any less," he continued, and watched her intently.
"Sure..." she finally agreed.
They continued back home in silence again. He wanted and waited for her to break the silence again, but she wouldn't.
This was his chance.
"I, uh...I mention all that to make a point, Ellie," he began, and stopped at the peak of the incline where they stood. Jackson remained down below, and he felt safe enough to have a conversation here.
"A point?" she prompted.
"...I just..." he sighed.
She continued to stare at him, unsure of his demeanor.
"Trauma is a funny thing, and it...has this way of sneakin' up on ya when ya ain't ready for it. Are you followin' me?" he stumbled.
"No offense, but you're the last fucking person I want talking to me about trauma, Joel," she almost spat back, but tried to hide the aggression. Joel furrowed his brow and blinked hard, but decided to continue.
"Listen, I know that, and that's my point. I...am...the way that I am, because I didn't deal with shit when I should have. Okay?" he pleaded.
"Do you have a point here?" she snapped.
"My point, kiddo, is that it seems like you might be doin' the same thing," he replied in exasperation.
"I think the last thing I need here is for you to be hypocritical, Joel," she shook her head, and started to walk on without him.
He stood there, stunned.
"I'm sayin' maybe you should talk to someone. It don't have to be me. There's plenty of people in town...Sylvia, the redhead, used to do work like that-"
"-What makes you think you know what's best for me? What makes you think that you can say things like that and not expect me to get upset?" she fumed, and began to pace. Joel sped to catch up with her.
"Ellie, listen-" he reached out to touch her shoulder.
She swiped his hand away immediately. He stood there, eyes wide, full of hurt and shock.
"Kiddo...I'm sorry," he finally said, and had his hands up in surrender.
"Don't fucking touch me Joel, not right now," she threatened slowly. He nodded.
"I...I can respect that. I'm sorry. Really, I am," he said, voice thick with regret. She refused to take it, and began to walk away faster.
"Given your history with women, what the hell makes you think you're ready to start dating again?" she spat loudly for him to hear, some lengths behind her.
Joel stood alone, and felt like he'd been slapped. When the shock wore off, however, he felt the rage boil. He increased his stride to keep up with her steps.
"I've been real god damn patient here with you when I didn't have to be. Do you understand that? I never know what the fuck is goin' on with you anymore, and I'm tryin' to fuckin' help you," he finally yelled after her.
"Fuck you, Joel," she spat again.
"Ellie?"
"Ellie!" his voice boomed.
She stopped ahead, but would not face him. He stormed over to her, but when he approached, noticed her tremble. He swallowed his rage, and kept his distance.
"I regret Tess ever deciding to take that job," she said, tears in her eyes, and quivered lip.
Joel stared at her, and swallowed hard. He tried to gather enough courage to speak.
"Go on home," he finally mumbled.
She walked onward at a snails pace. Joel refused to leave or follow her, at least, not for a few hours yet.
"Git!" he yelled, now frustrated again.
He was not sure what upset him most. His behavior, or hers...or both.
Tess...God, Tess...what the hell do I do?