***updated as of 4/23/2020
I hope you all are staying safe. If you are reading this for the first time, I do not recommend reading ahead until all the chapters are updated. It's all in the works!***
2017-2033
After the night in the cottage, Tess and Joel were near inseparable.
If they were not in some desperate attempt to smuggle something into or out of the city, then they were most certainly in some sort of passionate throw. At first, Joel almost didn't care that it seemed to be based around work and sex. But, he realized a few weeks into their situation that he wanted something more from her... and he felt ashamed at himself for falling prey to those feelings.
She'd warned him, and he knew better. But here he was, making a god damn fool of himself.
Ideally, he visualized Tess as complicated woman, with a strength and an intellect beyond his own. Joel hoped the ideal he created for himself wouldn't be shattered when he came to know her better. With the way things were going, however, he wondered if he would ever truly be able to understand all that comprised her character.
Tess, as he assumed and eventually learned to trust, was not the type of woman to play games. She was incredibly straightforward when it came to her needs. If he pushed her, she would surely end whatever this was that they were building together. In their relationship, the power remained with her, just like it did when they worked together. Perhaps if he continued on at the same pace, on her own terms, she would come to accept and deem him capable of more.
Sometimes, she would disappear without any explanation for short periods of time. Then, when she would return, Joel refused to question her and spoil the mood. After all, it wasn't like they were together, but he also felt like he might deserve an explanation. He was honestly afraid to fully understand.
Truth be told, Joel was happy, and he refused to ruin his own happiness because of suspicions.
Even Tommy had noticed the change in his brother's demeanor. Sometimes, after a long day, he would come home to find Joel on the couch, with a hint of a smile on his face. Something human had returned in his eyes.
Tommy had seen him at the lowest of the low some years ago, with his violent tendencies and his bitter attitude. It was a relief to see him almost back to normal. It also made his life easier, because if Joel was happy, Tommy wouldn't be victim to his brother's frustrations.
On more than one occasion in the violent span between Sarah's death and Boston, if Tommy simply got in the way or reminded him of the past, Joel would snap. After these episodes, both would walk away with wounds, although Tommy's were far worse than Joel's. For one, Joel was stronger, and more filled with rage. To add to that, Tommy truly felt sorry for him, and tried his best not to let himself snap. At the same time, he was annoyed with the role of passive brother.
Tommy was incredibly pained over Sarah's death, but he hadn't lost a child. Sometimes, he felt Joel resented him simply because his agony could not compare, and felt Joel almost envied his lack of distress. Yet, Tommy watched Joel become a monster, and he felt certain that if the roles had been reversed, he would have handled it better.
In fact, Tommy had channeled his anger and hurt into a good cause. The Fireflies, which Joel seemed to distrust because of their progressive attitude, were growing a strong presence around Boston QZ. A few weeks ago, Tommy had been prompted by a woman he'd met, named Marlene, to join the cause. He had refused, however, because he was certain that the old Joel was on the mend.
Tommy was a family man, and would give just about anything to have his brother back, even if it meant he had to place his radical ideology aside. Therefore, Joel's turn around filled him with a sense of calm.
Finally, his big brother had tired of misery. Finally, their world could get a little better.
"Joel, I gotta say...you look happy," he remarked one day, and plopped next to him on the couch.
"Is that right?" he said after a long moment, and a real smile, although small, spread across his face.
"Well, to what do we owe gratitude for this?" Tommy remarked, and Joel snorted. Tommy was tempted to ask him about his change of heart, but decided against the possibility of antagonizing his brother.
"I, uh, I think I've met a woman," Joel replied, as he stared at his hands, and swallowed hard. It almost broke Tommy's heart, to see him struggle with the feeling of happiness once again. Lord knows of all people Joel deserved it, even if his stubborn tendencies were to blame for his own lack of progress.
"God damn, Joel, you've either met a woman or you haven't," Tommy joked, and Joel chuckled.
The sound almost startled Tommy.
"I've met a woman," he replied with a quick nod, this time with full confidence.
"Good, I'm glad to have you back," Tommy said softly, and playfully nudged Joel's shoulder, who froze at the contact. Apparently, this was too sentimental for Joel, and they sat in silence. When he did not reply after a long while, Tommy thought to continue.
"You know, I think I've met a woman too," he added, and Joel perked up.
"Just one woman? I've been seeing you run around with more than just a few. It's not Marlene, is it?" Joel said, with slight disgust at the last part of his sentence. Tommy normally would have been offended, but he had not heard Joel converse like this for a while, so he let it slide.
"No, it's not Marlene. Though, I'm not sure what you have against-"
"-Tommy, there ain't nothing good about the Fireflies," Joel replied sternly.
"How about you worry about yourself," Tommy replied, with a casual tone, but he knew his words held weight.
Joel's eyed him for a second, apparently searching for weakness, but he didn't seem to find any.
"You know, you're right...I...I was out of line," Joel replied after a long moment, and the constant hostility in his eye seemed to soften. Tommy knew this was as much of an apology that he would get from his brother, and that it probably served to make amends for the past.
"Thank you much, Joel, it means a lot," he replied quietly.
Joel and Tommy continued their conversation, and both of them felt that perhaps this was the first step they could take to fully heal with one another. Maybe I'm startin' to do some good in my life.
The past few months had been filled with what Joel assumed was a return to normalcy. Perhaps the agony in his life was only meant to be endured for a short time, and this was his shot at redemption.
Things had been going exceptionally well.
One Friday night, after Tess was again nowhere to be found, he made his way to the apartment he shared with Tommy.
Upon his entrance, he was not greeted by the sight of Tommy half asleep on the couch as usual. Rather, he heard the sound of moaning from his brother's room. The sound was definitely Tommy, and although confused, Joel slipped inside and peered around the corner of the door, just in case his brother was in the middle of a nightmare. Joel knew Tommy was often haunted in his sleep, although they were petty in comparison to his own.
What he saw inside the room, however, was evidently no nightmare, although it very well felt like one. Tommy was mounted upon a woman, whose cries were oddly...familiar.
The realization hit Joel like a punch to the stomach.
Immediately, he walked out and slammed the door. Outside, he crossed his arms and took some deep breathes. Some while later, he watched Tess walk out of the building in a hurry. She clearly hadn't seen him, and he didn't have the nerve to approach her in his current state of mind.
If Tess was sleeping around with his brother, who the hell else had she been with? And...why?
Suddenly, her warning seemed to make more sense. She had suggested not to become too attached, and he had stupidly done it anyway. What frustrated him most was that even in his anger toward Tess, he felt more furious with Tommy. Although irrational, he wanted to knock his brother's head off to soothe his burned ego.
Joel felt anger rise, like bile, and prepared to spew his fury on Tommy like he'd done so many times int he past. Joel barged into the apartment again, and found him in a flustered state with nothing but his jeans on.
"Damn, Joel, I think you scared the girl off," he complained in an almost joking manner, before he noticed his brother's eyes.
"Do you know who that was?" he questioned, and in an eerie, calm-before-the-storm tone.
Tommy looked beyond confused.
"Yeah, that was Tess, the girl I'd told you about. She's really someth-"
"-We've been fucking the same woman," he interrupted, and was not sure how to feel.
On one hand, he was positive that none of them had any idea of this love triangle. On the other, he was furious, because yet again he envied his brother.
Tommy had't lost a child. Tommy hadn't lost a wife. Why the fuck should he deserve happiness more than me?
"...Joel, my God, I had no idea," Tommy apologized, and the sorrow was real, but the expression on his face was not as serious as the situation deserved. He was just shocked.
"Wipe that smug God damn smile off your face."
"Wait, now you just hold on a minute, don't you dare blame this on me!" Tommy started to point his finger.
"Why shouldn't I bash your fucking head in?" Joel spat.
"None of this is my fault! Don't start putting all your problems on me again, this ain't Texas or Louisiana, Joel."
"What does that mean?"
"I was damn tired of you always beatin' the piss out of me because you hated yourself. Now I know life's been cruel, Joel, but you aren't the only one who's suffered."
"Don't you dare have a pity party, you son of a bitch!"
"You'd know all about pity parties. You kept feelin' sorry for yourself after Sarah died-"
"-if you go any further, I'll kill ya, Tommy, I swear."
Joel's eyes were black. Tommy just glared at him like he had nothing to lose anymore.
"Killing me won't take your pain away, Joel. And neither will fucking some whore. Sarah isn't coming back."
The words set him on fire.
Joel lunged for Tommy's throat, who put up a decent fight for a moment, and even got one good shot against Joel's eye, before Joel's rage took control of the situation. Firm, coarse hands squeezed Tommy's throat, until his eyes went bloodshot, and wet sounds began to gurgle out of his mouth. If Joel had continued for a few more moments, it may have been the end, but for some reason, he stopped.
Tommy rolled around on the floor for a long time, and Joel just sat there, unable to comprehend the weight of his actions.
This time, he knew he'd gone too far.
Joel closed his eyes, and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. When he finally heard Tommy stir, he opened his eyes again, and saw purple bruise marks on the edge of his brother's neck, courtesy of his own handiwork. As much as he scared himself, and as terrible as things had gotten, he felt satisfaction.
"I don't ever wanna see your God-damned face again," Tommy squawked as he finally got up, and left the apartment immediately.
Joel knew then and there that this was probably the end of their relationship. He wasn't sure where he'd go, but he had some notion Tommy would start to chase the Fireflies. And, as absolutely cruel as he knew himself to be, Joel felt relief that no one in Boston would know of his old life anymore.
There would be no one to remind him of Sarah, and he could finally try to push her memory to the back of his troubled mind.
He isolated himself in the apartment for a few days. He really didn't understand how to handle the situation. He loved solitude, given it was the first time he'd had any in years. Maybe it would give him enough time to process the last decade. But, he also felt he needed to tackle the Tess situation to give himself some peace of mind.
Finally, one afternoon he lost his resolve and walked to her place. When he knocked on her door, she answered quickly. He managed to glance at her, and her eyes looked wild.
"Where the hell have you been? Get in here, Tex."
She ushered him into her place, but he couldn't find himself to make eye contact. She sat down at her kitchen table, and pulled out a seat for him, but he simply stood there.
"You know, you scared the hell out of me. You disappear for a few days without a trace, and I''m just supposed to wait here-"
"-how do you know Tommy?" he interrupted.
She stared at him, flabbergasted.
"Excuse me?" she finally said.
"...How do you know Tommy?" he repeated, slowly and calm.
It made her uneasy, and she gritted her teeth.
"Tommy knows the Fireflies. I wanted a contact. How do you know Tommy?" she asked, now fully defensive.
"You wanted a contact..." he repeated.
"Smuggling goods for them is very profitable, way better than the jobs we've been taking. Why are you so interested in a business deal?"
"A business deal," he stated, completely flat.
"Listen, asshole, I'm not gonna answer your questions if you aren't gonna answer mine. How do you know Tommy and why are you so interested in this?"
"Explain to me how you make business deals, Tess."
"It involves a lot of conversation and planning. Are you mocking me? I'm not sure I understand or appreciate your tone."
"Do your business deals involve fucking?" he finally spat.
Her eyes went wild like she'd been burned.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Tex. And if you don't start answering my questions, I'm gonna get pissed off. You don't want me pissed off Joel, I can promise you that," she warned.
"Tommy's my shithead little brother, Tess. I saw everything. So don't talk to me like I'm a god damn idiot," he felt himself get flustered.
Some mix of confusion and realization hit her like a truck. He saw it all over her face.
"You're Tommy's brother...he told me stories about you. My god..." she remarked.
He couldn't tell exactly what she meant by that. But, he could see sympathy and fear in her eyes. Suddenly, he felt like she pitied him and it angered him.
"Now you're gonna answer my questions, Tess. You owe me that."
She wanted to argue, but he could see she felt she owed him an explanation too.
"He got what he wanted...I got more goods. Symbiotic relationship."
"This is about goods..."
She nodded, face bleak and logical. The words were true. It really hadn't meant anything...she was motivated by greed.
He stared at her and shook his head. It hurt him, and it was clear all over his face.
Suddenly, she scowled, and turned away.
"God damn you Joel, get your fuckin head out of your ass. It's the god damn apocalypse. Things don't mean what they used to..."
"Some things do..."
"It's cute of you to say that. If I had feelings, I'd probably enjoy that one."
"Fuck you, Tess. I don't deserve this. You don't deserve this."
"Listen, I like you, and I mean it. This is what you signed up for...I told you about who I was, and you chose not to listen. Not my fault, asshole."
Joel raised and eyebrow and cocked his head to one side.
"So this is just a business partnership too?"
"Yup."
"You got lots of business partnerships?" he inquired, curious.
"Depending on what I need, yeah."
"So I'm the flavor of the month, that it?"
"Listen. If you got a problem with it, walk. You got a choice in the matter, ya know..."
He gritted his teeth, and shook his head. For some reason, it hurt him. It felt dumb and juvenile. But, it was there, nevertheless. He considered saying fuck all and walking away. But there was something about her that made him want to stay. He'd be a damn fool, but at least he'd be content.
Temporarily.
"Tex, you're more than the flavor of the month. We've been at this for much longer than that anyway. I don't even know what to make of it. For what it's worth, I had no idea he was your brother. I wouldn't have done that if I'd known. I'm...I'm sorry," she finally said.
He scoffed, but felt she meant it.
"I, uh...I knew your life was hard, but I didn't know it was that hard," she whispered warmly. She clearly knew everything because of Tommy. It made him sick to his stomach. He almost questioned what she'd been told, but he didn't want to know.
He simply scoffed again.
"We don't talk about any of it. Ever. We clear?" he warned.
She watched him carefully, and finally nodded.
Though he didn't know, Tess felt she needed his muscle for the business. Sure, she felt competent alone, but with him by her side they were invincible. Not to mention, his dumb southern charm tickled her to death, though she'd never admit it to herself.
She didn't think he'd last the rest of the year. He didn't think he'd last the rest of the week.
Several years later, both were thrilled to be wrong.
Whenever Joel felt truly attached to Tess, he would replay her words in his mind to talk some sense into himself.
The woman was too damn determined and stubborn, much more than he ever was, and when he made note of the power she held over him, he knew he was in too deep. Common sense told him to let her go, because that was a rational thing to do. Yet, for some reason, he could not give her up, and although it never made sense to him, he stood by his choice.
What bothered him most was that over the years, they became seriously involved, but she always refused to give it a title. She refused to commit because she was addicted to the thrill of adrenaline in everything that she did, and she refused to be weakened by romance.
Over time, Joel would come to realize her trust issues ran deep before he'd met her. She'd had her fair share of trauma. She also had a terrible relationship with her father, which in turn became many terrible relationships with other men.
Joel, she often said, was the exception...the diamond in the rough...and yet he could not understand why she continued to keep him at arms length.
Eventually, she agreed to move in with him around 2020. But, even still, she would sometimes disappear for a day or two without a trace, only to show up again as though nothing happened.
Who was he to complain? He was just as emotionally fucked up as she was, just in a different way. He also wasn't willing to give up on the one thing he was living for these days. Sure, she angered him and confused him beyond belief, but god damn if he didn't love her. It was always evident she cared for him, and he trusted her more than anyone, even enough to willingly share some painful memories of the past. She knew how to show love and compassion better than he did. and he was thankful. But, he was able to make peace with those thoughts more effectively than her.
It was complicated.
In the old world, maybe the relationship would have crumbled, but not in this one.
She was just too special, and he was in too deep. If you took her love of adrenaline and inability to commit away, she might be the perfect woman. After all, when both of them were alone at night, the tenderness was exceptional. Two broken people, without any real morals left, had so much in common that other people couldn't fathom.
If they were not together, both of them would surely be alone, and although neither would admit it, the thought of that was terrifying.
When things where bad, or when he needed confirmation in his mind that it was worth it to stay, he would always think back to the first time she told him she loved him. Before she had said it, he often wondered who would be first to say the words. Neither of them were soft-hearted, at least not on the outside, and it was almost a battle of pride between both of them.
Joel had expected to say it first, however, and had assumed it might slip from his mouth when his guard was down, the few times that occurred.
Yet, Tess, his dominant counterpart that made his own brutality pale in comparison, had said the words first. Hell, that must have been around 2024, a few years after they had been together, but he had stopped keeping track by then.
The memory almost sent chills down his spine.
They had an argument that night, and although that was not new, what was different this time was that Joel was simply fed up. The man was older, in his late thirties, and his tolerance for unnecessary conflict had just started to thin. For once, the slight difference in their ages had also begun to show. Joel wanted to settle down and had started to make it known instead of keeping it bottled inside, but she resisted tooth and nail. Not to mention, her unfaithful tendencies had started to grow old.
At dawn, when she had come home particularly late doing god only knows what, she found his things packed. As she shut the door, she also found his haggard frame sat on the kitchen stool with his back to her.
"You going somewhere?" she accused with a slight laugh, but when he turned to face her, the smile on her lips fell.
"I'm leaving you," he said simply, and felt a sharp pain inside his chest.
"Joel, I know things have never been perfect, but-" she started, with a sarcastic scowl on her face that seemed to suggest that she thought he had overreacted.
"-stop. Now, I think it's best we both go our separate ways," he mumbled, and had started to talk with his hands. If he let his calm act slip, she was surely going to cause havoc.
"Fine, fucking go then, you bastard," she spat, and crossed her arms. Joel could tell she was bluffing, and that she was obviously upset, but none of it mattered.
"Honey...you don't have to act like this. Let's be civil," he started, and his warm, gruff voice soothed her soul, which pissed her off further.
"Why should I be civil? The only man I've ever cared about is about to up and leave me-" she choked.
"-I'm sure you'll find comfort with someone else, you always do," he said, and shook his head.
Why can't she just be happy with me?
"But they're not..." she started, and then closed her eyes.
"They're not what?" he asked, now curious that she seemed to be at a loss for words.
"Joel, they're...they're not you," she finally said, and he frowned.
"Obviously, I'm not enough for you. Now you can be happier without me," he raised his voice a little.
How dare she guilt me when she's the reason I'm doing this?
"Why would I be happier without you?" she asked slowly.
"Why can't you be happy with just me?" he questioned in response.
"Joel, we live together! You're obviously the only one for me," she said.
"I've heard that bullshit before, Tess," he replied, and was now visibly angry. With a quick shake of his head from annoyance, he pushed past her smaller frame and grabbed his bags by the door.
"Joel, please, please don't go. I look so stupid right now...Joel, what do you need me to do?" she begged, and had positioned herself in front of the door.
"I need you to move," he said simply, but when he brushed against her and walked out the door, he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her breath catch in her throat.
As he turned around again to get a good look at her, he was shocked to see that she was sobbing silently in the door frame.
I ain't never seen her cry before.
"Baby..., hey, stop makin' this hard on me. C'mon now, get up," he urged quietly, and tried to lift her from the floor. Although she was smaller than him, she put up quite the resistance, and so he stopped for moment, before he sat down next to her.
"Joel, just...just..." she would start, and then would be consumed by tears.
These words were repeated multiple times before he lost his patience again.
"Tess, either say what you have to say, or let me leave-"
"-I love you," she finally choked, and just stared at her hands. Joel glared at her in shock.
I'll be damned.
"What can I say to make you stay? Don't you feel any obligation to me?" she asked, and looked terrified, maybe even borderline hysterical if he didn't say something fast.
He was taken aback and kept playing it over in his head.
"Wait, what did you just say?" he asked in disbelief.
"Joel, I love you, dammit!" she yelled, clearly agitated.
"...I...I need you to commit. No more secrets, no more sneakin' around...I want you to be mine," he stated, in shock that she had tried so hard to get him to stay. In all honesty, he had expected her to tell him good riddance the moment that she realized what he'd planned.
This conversation had been held in similar fashion many times before, with Joel always in a desperate plea to get her to commit, but when she would resist his suggestion, he would always let it go. Then again, he'd never been so ready to walk out of her life...their life...until now. To see her so visibly shaken, and with tears, had blown Joel's mind.
"Okay," she agreed.
Shit, that was easy.
"Tess, baby, baby, look at me," he urged, then took his hand and lifted her chin so he could get a better look. She frowned for a moment, before she eased her hardened expression. "I love you too, all right?" he added softly.
"I know, Joel" she whispered.
Luckily for him, Tess remained faithful until the day she died.
Joel felt certain that on that day, he lost a part of himself that would never return. This was true, to an extent, and the memory of Tess still haunted him, because his love for her was so intense.
Yet, his happiness was not spared as a result. No, rather, he had been led to Ellie through Tess. Although he blamed and resented Ellie at first for her death, he came to let those thoughts cease when he too found himself grow attached to the little girl.
Attached isn't a strong enough word.