The house tour ended in Esme's sewing-room on the first floor. Alice had of course known nearly every room as if she had lived in this house for months. I, however, was thankful for Esme's tour. "Oh Esme, can I read them? Please?", my angel asked immediately as she laid eyes on a shelf with dozens, no hundreds, of fashion magazines from all over the world. "Of course, my dear", the caramel-haired vampire replied and together we watched as Alice took a huge pile into her tiny arms. "Thank you", she said, eyeing the magazines with sparkling eyes. "Let me carry them for you. You'll fall down the stairs", I offered, since the pile was reaching up just beneath her nose and there was no way she would be able to see the stairs, she was headed towards. "I am a vampire, I will not fall…", she protested but - after receiving a quick vision - changed her mind and gave in: "Okay, I will fall. Thank you." I carefully took the pile out of her hands and headed towards the stairs. "Was this one of your visions?", Esme asked excitedly and I overheard Alice nodded, explaining her how her gift works while they followed me down into the living room.
Edward was sitting at the grand piano, looking up as I entered and placed the magazines on the floor next to the couch. The pile was high enough to reach the armrest. "Don't look at me", I said and held my hands up, noticing his curious look. Seconds later Alice sat on the couch, the first magazine in her hand. Esme had apparently decided to join her, taking a seat next to her, a French magazine in her lap. Edward continued his song and I chose to join the girls as well, however I preferred Carlisle's book over fashion magazines. When I came back down, I noticed Carlisle and Edward standing at the piano, having some sort of silent conversation. I could feel tension in the air, but it was swiftly resolved before I even had the chance to use my talent. I did not worry about it too much.
We had been silently reading for almost two hours, the room filled with Edward's soft tunes and the occasional rustle of paper, when the music suddenly stopped and was replaced with Edward's cursing. Carlisle – who had continued reading the book he had in his office before - Esme, Alice and I looked up in synchrony and I immediately focused on my gift to find out what was going on. And then it hit me. Desire, so intense and strong, that I immediately held my breath and got to my feet. The feeling didn't abide, it only got more intense with the second. Who the hell, I thought and backed away a few feet. Feeling someone else's lust was something I was not at all used to or comfortable with. It's not coming from anyone in this room, so it had to be "Emmett and Rosalie", Edward completed my thought and I looked over to him. Remembering his talent, I understood that this was just as uncomfortable for him, as it was for me. "Jazz, are you okay?", I heard Alice's worried voice but I could not look at her at the moment. Not while Emmett and Rosalie's emotions were taking a hold on me and I had a hard time keeping them separate. "I'm fine, I just… I need some air", I finally said, leaving the book on the coffee table and hurriedly fleeing the house.
After a few hundred meters I finally couldn't feel them anymore and returned to breathing steadily. This must have been the most awkward and uncomfortable situation I have ever been him. I tried to remember, if something similar had happened when I stayed with Peter and Charlotte after quitting Maria, but I had been too consumed by my depression to notice anything of the sort. "Well, I am glad there is finally someone who understands how this is for me", I heard Edward say as he slowly approached me. I could only feel sorry for him. As far as Alice told me, he did not yet meet his mate and had to live in a household with two – soon maybe three – happy couples. How long had he put up with this? "I don't think I have ever felt that uncomfortable in my life before", I admitted and saw a smile appear on the bronze-haired vampire's lips.
"Come on, I'll show you where we hunt", he proposed and turned to the forest. I hesitated, looking back to the house where Alice was all alone with four other vampires. Two, considering that Emmett and Rosalie must have been more focused on themselves at the moment. "She'll be fine. You've got to start to trust us, if this is going to work out. After all, we trusted you two to stay", Edward commented and I hissed, because he was listening to my private thoughts again. But he was right, and I could really use a hunt after what had happened in the store before.
At the beginning, I could easily keep up with the other vampire, but after a few miles Edward started to speed up. I understood, that he was curious to measure his speed against mine. Show me what you've got, I thought, intrigued to test whether I could beat him. I couldn't. We had raced about 55 miles from the house, when I finally admitted my defeat. I was no match for Edward. You win, I thought, slowing down my own speed and coming to a halt. I could feel that Edward was pleased with his victory but impressed by my performance nonetheless. "That was impressive, I don't think anyone has ever come as close to beat me", he said and I shrugged with my shoulders. "No one has bested me before", I admitted, thinking about the countless races I had with Peter and some oterh newborns in the past. "Who is that? I have seen him a few times in your memories", Edward now asked and I reminded myself to be more careful with what I was thinking about. Still, I replied: "Peter. He is a very close friend." I could feel, that Edward wanted to know more, but in this moment we both heard a growl, coming from northeast.
"Mountain lion", Edward noted and gestured in the animal's direction, "Go ahead, if you like." He needn't say that twice. I dashed off into the right direction, focusing on my senses to locate the animal. It was easy for me to find the predator, who was stalking a deer that ran for it's life, as soon as it smelled me coming. Before the animal even knew what was happening to him, I was on it, smashing its skull with my bare hands and tearing it's throat open. My teeth sank into its warm flesh and while the taste of animal blood still disgusted me, I also enjoyed being able to feed without having to endure the endless pain and fear my victim.
After I finished the lion, I hunted down its previous prey, the deer. I had just ended it as well, wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my jumper, when Edward appeared. It occurred to me, that he hadn't hunted but been observing me the whole time from a save distance. Of course it was understandable, since he had already hunted before Alice and I surprised them. However there was a tad too much curiosity in him for my taste. I didn't say anything at first, since he immediately explained that they buried their kills. It was their way to ensure that they could be feeding in the same area for longer periods of time, without attracting attention.
Although the idea seemed odd to me, I did what he asked me to do and together we buried the carcasses I had produced. It was not the first time I dug a grave with my bare hands. Sometimes, in the past, when my victim's emotions haunted me, I had continued to bury them - hoping it would give me some peace. It had never worked. Stepping away from the makeshift grave, I noticed Edward's glance lingering on me. Again. He had observed my every action during the last hour very carefully and it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel like simple curiosity. There seemed to be a motive behind it. "Spit it out", I finally said, wiping my hands clean at the sides of my trousers and looking him straight into the golden eyes. "What do you mean?", he replied, playing clueless. I know you heard my thoughts. Don't play dumb. Why are you analysing me, I thought, trying to hold down the anger that was building up inside of me. Did he really think I was so easily deceived?
I could feel that he was taken aback by my reaction, conflicted. But he did not avert my gaze. "I was wondering: Why didn't you tell us - the others - about what happened to you?", he finally admitted and I laughed dryly, turning away from him and looking at the rays of dim morning light, falling through the trees. "You wouldn't understand." – "I can read your thoughts, I am sure I can follow", he answered, stepping closer and into my sight again. "It is obvious you do not. Look at how you phrased your question! This is not something that happened to me. It's something I did", I spat out, clenching my fists. I was not angry at Edward for his question. It was understandable. Alice had made the same mistake. They both saw my past as something that happened to me. Like I was the victim in this bloody story of war and death. But I knew better. I wasn't the victim. I was the monster.
"But you said yourself, that you did not know that there was another way. Until you found Alice", he objected, using my words from before against me. I looked at him with cold eyes. I might not have known, that there were parts of this world, where vampires do not fight for territories. Or that we can sustain off animal blood. But I still knew, it was wrong to kill my soldiers. Wrong to kill all these innocent people. But I still did. I didn't run away. Even after Peter's successful escape, I stayed, I countered in my thoughts and could see, that Edward wanted to say something more but decided otherwise, realizing that my mind would not easily be changed.
"That still does not explain, why you did not tell them what you did?", he repeated his question from before, now using my words. The question seemed odd to me. I had shown him. He knew and chose not to tell his family anyway. Why was he all of a sudden so interested in the motivation behind keeping my past a secret? "You didn't either. Why not?", I asked in return and crossed my arms, when it occurred to me. Carlisle. I clearly remembered the way he felt, when I left his office. He had silently communicated with Edward in the living room, I had felt the tension. But they had quickly stopped when I entered. "It's him, isn't it. He asked you to find out if I'm a threat to your family."
His silence was answer enough for me. And, what have you concluded? Are you going to send Alice and me away?, I thought, not letting Edward out of my sight. Anger and disappointment grew inside me. I feared that I had managed to do exactly what I was trying to avoid – I had destroyed Alice's future. "That is not my decision to make. I see that you regret what happened and I don't think you would choose the same way now as you did back then. If not for your sake, then for Alice's. I noticed how much you care for her. Your thoughts revolve around her all the time", he replied and I clenched my jaw when he mentioned my mate. Our relationship was not his concern. And stupid me had given away my biggest weakness. What a rookie mistake. "Don't worry, none of us is going to harm her. They all love her, Esme and Emmett especially. Esme already considers her family", he assured and I could feel the my anger subside. He was right, I did not get any malicious intent from any of them. Alice was safe.
"However, I still feel like you owe them the truth. And I will tell the others before we make the final decision about you staying, if you don't do it", he added, making me tense up all over again. "But I think it should be you", his voice was now softer, less confrontational as it had been before. I could feel his hand, which he briefly rested on my shoulder, before turning and running back towards the house. I knew he was right. But I was unsure if I was ready to be responsible for the future Alice had dreamed of her entire life.
On my way back, I decided to tell them and then discarded my plan over and over again. I was such a coward. When I finally made it to the mansion, Edward was nowhere to be seen. Instead Alice was waiting for me on the porch. She had changed into her new blouse and a dark-blue skirt. I approached her in human speed and from the look on her face and what she was feeling, I immediately understood, that she had seen what was going to happen. "I am so proud of you", she smiled, wrapping her skinny arms around my waist. Apparently, I would tell them after all. I reciprocated her embrace, gently putting my arms around her narrow shoulders and closing my eyes to enjoy the soothing peace I was feeling whenever I was near her. "How are they going to react?", I asked her after a sweet moment, gently loosening my arms around her and finally letting go completely. "It will be fine", she answered and seemed pretty confident in what she had said. It calmed me.
"I'll need to change first", I remarked, after noticing the awful scent of dried animal blood and dirt on myself. "Yes, do that. You stink", she replied and rose onto her tiptoes. Since she was nearly one and a half feet smaller than me, this was her only way to show me that she wanted to kiss me, without explicitly saying so. I gladly lowered my head to receive a quick peck from her. "I'll see you inside", she whispered before turning and going back into the house. I took another deep breath before following her.
Instead of resuming my place in the living room – like Alice did – I crossed the room and went up into the guest room. With the door closed beside me, I swiftly changed out of my dirty clothes, putting on a fresh pair of trousers and a grey button-down shirt. While closing the buttons I got a quick look of myself in the mirror and clenched my jaw. I could not understand how Alice - beautiful, delicate, little Alice - could look at me fully naked, baring all the scars war had left on me, and still love what she saw. But she did. I had to know - I felt it every time she looked at me. A small smile crossed my lips, thinking of her as I closed the last button and pulled the shirt in place. This was as good a time as it ever would be. They needed to hear from me. I did not want Edward sharing this.
Slower than even a normal human would have walked, I descended the stairs, collecting my thoughts and thinking about what I wanted to tell them. I was surprised to find everyone already in the living room. Esme, Alice and Carlisle were still sitting in the same spots they had before, each reading in either a magazine or book. Edward had taken a seat in one of the armchairs, the newspaper on his lap, and Rosalie and Emmett sat opposite each other on the floor next to the coffee table, playing chess. Esme was the first to notice my entry and looked up from her magazine. I could feel a slight distortion in her emotions as she saw my bare neck, but she regained her composure quickly and continued to smile. "How was your hunt with Edward?", she asked and the warmth her emotions projected, helped me relax a bit.
"It was fine, I guess... But there's something I need to tell you. All of you", I responded, looking at Alice who seemed completely calm. If there was something to worry about, she would have seen it, I reminded myself while I placed myself in the armchair, next to Edward, who folded his newspaper and gave me an encouraging smile. Carlisle closed his book and Emmett snatched Rosalie's queen from the chess board, as soon as she turned her attention towards me. "I was not completely transparent about my past before, and I am very sorry about that. It was not fair to all of you and if I were in your shoes I would have wanted to know. Edward helped me realize that", I began and looked around in the room. Now, I had everyone's attention. Even Emmett had stopped picking off Rosalie's players from the board. No one was saying anything. Yet.