Chapter 8: All We've Been Through ***

2038

It was 10:00PM, and Joel lay in bed, house empty, with a mind that continued to race.

Yesterday, Ellie had turned nineteen without ceremony. Joel, now fifty-three, hadn't even said two words to acknowledge it was her special day. They rarely saw one another any more, although they continued to live together.

For a few years, they were happy and content in Jackson. He would even go so far as to admit that he'd never been this happy in his life. But then...things just changed. Lately, Joel had been tormented by how to refer to her, in regard to himself.

No...she was never his daughter, and he never thought of her as a replacement. Sarah and Ellie existed in two completely separate levels in his mind, one not necessarily more important than the other. The main, blood difference between the two, however, that had always been evident in his mind did not matter to him in the slightest.

Sarah, when he allowed himself to think about her, was his little girl. She had been his little girl her entire life, and she never lived to outgrow that image. In his mind, she would never age, and that sentimental, loving devotion would never fade despite the time that passed. It would be impossible to replace her. In fact, he had never wanted to replace her, although he still maintained the paternal qualities inside him.

Ellie, on the other hand, had saved him from a numb, bleak existence...

The brevity of Sarah's life was a tragedy, and perhaps if she'd lived through her adolescence and adulthood, he would have come to lose some of his fatherly instincts. Although the love would have remained unchanged, she would have outgrown him to an extent, and he would have learned to let go. Yet, because that time had never come, in the twenty years after her death, he felt he was perpetually stuck in the protector role. To make matters worse, it was a role where he'd ultimately failed miserably.

Joel had never outgrown this essential part of his character.

Though a tenderness existed with Tess, it was often unspoken and saved for rare, private moments. There were multiple times with Tess where he wanted to desperately rush in and take care of her, but she wouldn't allow it. Partly because she refused to show that kind of weakness if she could prevent it, and partly because she knew Joel had an almost selfish desire to feel needed by someone. Even prior to her death, though quick and traumatic which took his mind months to comprehend, there had been no affection between them in the goodbye. In fact, she would have felt cheapened and betrayed if he had reacted in any other way.

The survival instinct didn't allow for moments of emotional connection. Sometimes, it was important to take care of the situation at hand, and only then after was it acceptable to mentally deal with the grief. Tess and Joel had thrived under these conditions, and they knew it was vital to survive for each other despite the cost. If one life was spared, the other would have to continue on out of respect.

Sarah was taken from the world so quickly, he could never allow himself to lose that hidden part of his personality, even though he tried his best to hide it under a superficial layer of brutality and detachment.

Until he met Ellie, that is...

Ellie had provided him the satisfaction of of being needed, as well as the power to lead, comfort, and teach. All fatherly instincts existed in what seemed to be a parent/child relationship, but there was something in Ellie that he simply could not put his finger on. Their bond was special, but it confused him, because he wasn't sure what role he would be expected to fill in her life as she aged.

He had assumed she would grow and move on with her life, only to leave him in the dust somewhere as an old man, and so he wanted to enjoy their time together until that day came. What young woman would want to hang around an old man, anyway? He had mentally prepared himself for the event, and he didn't feel sad, because her happiness was much more important than his own. Joel was aware of his selfish nature, and after he lied to Ellie years ago, he swore he would never sacrifice her independence unless it was on her own terms.

But, one day...that one fateful day two years ago as he chopped wood outside, he felt as though he were being watched. In a moment he would never forget, he caught her careful, emerald stare through the window when she thought he wasn't looking...and he saw something there in her eyes that he had never seen before. It was more than admiration, and there was clearly lust...like there was some validation, in her now adult mind, that he was no longer a protector, but he was a need, in more ways than one.

Joel struggled with this thought for a long time. He was well aware what that look meant...he had just never seen it from her before.

Ellie was pushing eighteen then, and she had caught the eyes of more than a few young bucks around their community. It was evident to him on more than one occasion that she was now physically an adult. The curves and soft changes on her body seemed to intensify every day, but he could not allow himself to look. At first, he was just uncomfortable, and their relationship had remained unchanged. But, slowly...it had evolved.

Joel noted that once she had reached seventeen, Ellie stopped the practice of sneaking into his bed at night. It was almost a comfort to him, because perhaps she respected the new boundaries that naturally formed because she was older. To an extent, it almost flattered him that she felt such an intense attachment...but after he had caught her in the window, and after he noticed her physical changes...he just could not do it anymore.

Although it almost saddened him, Joel was relieved when she ended the practice on her own volition.

Roughly a few months ago, when she had still been eighteen, Joel sprang up in bed, with a cold sweat after a nightmare. After he caught his breath, he was shocked to notice that her small presence was in the bed next to him, just like it used to be, and his face twisted in response. Ellie turned to him, and looked as if there were nothing wrong.

"...Sorry, I got lonely," she whispered, and searched his face for some sort of comfort.

Immediately he got out of bed, and went to stand at the window. It irritated him because her eyes still looked so innocent, and she clearly meant no harm, but he could not help but feel that she had placed him in an uncomfortable position.

"You should go on back to your room," he warned, and with his back to her, he heard her take a deep breath.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I just-" she began.

"-stop. Just... let's pretend this never happened."

"What fucking happened?" she asked, and he turned to look at her, with an incredulous expression on her face.

"Ellie, you know this ain't right. You comin' in here... sleepin' next to me...it's just...wrong," he sputtered, and tried his best to explain.

"Joel, we used to do this all the time. C'mon, this is me your talking to," she defended. The look of hurt in her eyes sent a chill down his spine, but he could see clearly she was not willing to drop the conversation.

"Times have changed," he replied simply, after a long moment of silence.

"I'm sorry I intruded on your privacy," she said softly, and he was further irritated.

"Ellie, this ain't about privacy!" he finally spat in a whisper, and threw his hands in the air. A deep breath shuddered through him, and he tried to calm down.

"...Are you tired of me? Do you want to get rid of me?" she urged, and rose to her feet to stand in front of him near the window.

At eighteen, she had finally reached full height, and though he no longer towered above her, she was indeed closer to eye level. This subtle reminder of her maturation formed another knot in his stomach. He was certain there were tears in her eyes, and they glistened in the moonlight.

"No, I just-" he started apologetically, but could not finish.

"-I feel like you've been different lately. If I've done something wrong, let me fix it," she continued to urge.

"No, kiddo, you ain't done nothing wrong..." he said, let out a breath of frustration, and crossed his arms.

"Joel..." she whispered, and placed her small hand against his cheek. Joel froze at the contact with eyes wide.

Stop this now, goddammit, stop this bullshit.

"Ellie..." he warned severely, but instead of listening, she took the other hand to his face, and cradled him.

"You're all I have," she forced her point affectionately, and it was clear she was desperately clinging to something, but he scowled.

For a long while he stood there in confusion, eyes glued to hers. He'd never felt such a pure expression of love. Not even romantic love, or familial love, but just the notion that he was in the presence of the only person who had been through struggle with him, and had decided to fully accept him despite his flaws.

This is how inappropriate shit gets started...what the fuck is wrong with you?

Joel then tightened, and ripped both hands from his face. Ellie jumped from his obvious expression of distaste. Never before had he been so cold.

"Leave," he commanded, and she wasted no time as she ran out of the room, and down the hall toward her own. Joel stood motionless, until he heard her door slam, and then punched the side of the windowsill.

That was five months ago.

Ellie was no longer his baby girl; one, because it seemed ridiculous for a man his age to call his young companion by that name. Two, because although she was mentally the same, forced to grow up quickly in this God-forsaken world, physically she was someone unknown to him, and it frightened him beyond his control.

Hell, she had never truly been his baby girl, as the person who held that title had died almost 30 years ago, along with a huge part of himself. The term of endearment didn't suggest a paternal bond in his mind, rather, he had let it slip out of habit when he found Ellie in distress, and the term stuck.

"I'm not her, ya know..."

He used Ellie as a crutch to help him through his prolonged grief, although it had been an unconscious decision at first. When she spoke those words at the cottage, before that horrible winter, he reacted in outrage not only because she had crossed the line, but because deep down he realized that she was right.

After that, Joel did not think of her as a a means to deal with the loss of Sarah. After that night, Ellie had become someone who he viewed as stronger than himself, stronger than anyone he'd met, and possibly the most important thing in his life. It was due to that he changed his mind to escort her himself to the Fireflies...and why it tore him apart when all those terrible things happened that winter while he was unconscious.

Ellie was his responsibility, but would this responsibility evolve, or would it eventually expire?

Things changed drastically after their argument in his bedroom. At that moment, Joel visibly noticed the love in her eyes. Not just pure lust as he had assumed before, but complex and complete love.

Joel could deal with lust, that was easy to avoid, but love? Love could ruin someone's life, especially after everything they had been through. Love was devastating.

That being said, he didn't know if he was looking out for Ellie's best interests, or his own.

There were times after that when he found himself avoiding her at all costs, sometimes for days, and he could tell she was still upset. Oddly enough, she didn't press him on it. Perhaps she feared his response.

Deep inside, it tore him apart that she was so clearly distraught over his behavior, but he refused to succumb to some of the thoughts that almost formed in his mind when he let his guard down.

Joel was physically sick at himself, and the thoughts he harbored deep inside. The man acted like a caged animal in his own home, like Ellie would corner him at any moment. He was afraid and irritated whenever she was there, for fear of a slew of emotions that he hadn't felt since Tess. The whole thing was so complicated he often refused to think about it.

Their conversations were short and useless, much like when they had first met each other. Joel could see she was miserable, but she fought hard to keep herself together in front of him. From this, he was further disturbed by his actions.

On one hand, he needed to avoid her to maintain a safe distance from dangerous territory if they became as close as they once were. On the other hand, he felt terrible that Ellie must have felt she was the problem, as though she had done something wrong.

This ain't fair for her...but I cannot...I...I'm not gonna let myself do this.

He wasn't sure if he was scared because he felt like an inappropriate pedophile, or if he was so deeply afraid to love someone that he could not fathom the idea. Both were equally horrific.

How had it come to this?

Later That Night

Joel paced the floor; although he had been a complete ass, and had ignored her at all cost, he was always well aware of her presence at home. In fact, although she was ignorant of the fact, Joel knew her whereabouts at any given time just for the peace of mind.

It was roughly 3AM, and Ellie still had not come home. The other kids- goddammit, young adults- in town had decided to throw her a nineteenth birthday party. Joel had been invited as a polite gesture, but he would have stuck out like a sore thumb in front of all those young people. Although they wouldn't have minded his presence in the slightest, he could not stand to celebrate the real cause of their conflict. Why couldn't she have stayed the girl I knew at fourteen?

All these thoughts aside, Ellie was supposed to have been home by 1AM.

It wasn't like she owed it to him to be home on time. For one, he had been a complete monster lately, and he knew it was hypocritical to be angry that she had not come home. Not only that, but Joel had offered her complete freedom when she turned eighteen last year, although she was not his to dictate, nor did eighteen have any legal significance in this world. Ellie had rejected the offer, however, and had insisted that she stay with him because she was happiest there.

A knot formed in his stomach at the memory, but he quickly put the nostalgia aside as he heard the front door open. Without any hesitation, he flew quickly down the stairs, and caught her stagger against the door as she tried, and failed, to close it quietly.

"Where in the hell where you?" he spat, arms crossed, and watched as she struggled to stand still. Her green eyes were bloodshot, and an odd smile was spread across her face.

"Joel...!" she exclaimed with an excitement he'd never seen, and she stumbled toward him.

"Ellie..." he muttered through gritted teeth, with wide eyes and balled fists.

"Jus...jus lisen ta me, kay? Ples, don...don ignor me..." she began seriously, and then busted into a fit of giggles before she fell on the floor. Instantly, he got a whiff of what seemed to be whiskey.

"You're too young for this stupid shit. When the hell did you start drinkin'?" he spat, and took a few steps backward to distance himself from her grabby fingers. Although his first reaction was to move, he was internally stifling the urge to pick her up and put her to bed.

"I 'av been doin ah laht of things you don know about..." she said, now with a devious expression, and her fit of happiness resolved. Joel was tempted to ask what she meant, and order her to tell him the truth, but realized that whatever she did when he was not around, was not his business. She appeared to struggle on the floor to get up, but he refused to help her, and continued to back away.

"Keepin' me up all night, and comin' home drunk as a skunk...this is the dumb as hell," he reprimanded, and felt stupid as the words came out of his mouth, but he couldn't help but release his frustrations. After all, there was a slight chance she would not remember.

"You don caare waht I do," she spat, and for a second the pain and anger allowed her eyes to focus on his own.

Joel just shook his head.

"You're right. You're entitled to doing whatever you please, so long as it doesn't interfere with me. But this...this is unacceptable," he said, and he felt like he was giving a lecture.

"Fuck you Joel, you're not my father," she antagonized, and it sounded clear as day. She must have had those words on her mind for a very long time, and they stung like acid thrown on his body.

I deserved that.

"I know that," he said after a long sigh, with an expression of understanding, and nodded.

She stared at him, but it was hazy.

"I...I ahm so so sorry. Don upset me, it's my birthday Joel," she whimpered, and then suddenly looked as though she was about to cry.

Fuck.

"Let's get you upstairs to your room, okay?" he urged, and was surprised when she nodded. More than ever, he was convinced he owed her an apology, but there would be no reason to give her one while she was this intoxicated. It did seem as though she would remember some of this in the morning, but Ellie was difficult enough as it was sober. There was no way in hell Joel would attempt to talk with her in this state.

Ellie crawled to the sofa as a means to lift herself off the ground, and Joel waited patiently as she drunkenly maneuvered toward him near the steps. For peace of mind, he refused to help her unless she truly needed it, because he knew he would gain satisfaction from the process. The steps gave her a hell of a time, as he expected, but he waited behind her in case she fell. About halfway up, she moved to her knees and started to crawl up, before she stopped all together.

"I ahm sooo fucked. Halp, pleees?" she finally asked, and he almost smiled, but his face still looked dangerously conflicted. He broke.

"C'mere, I gotcha," he said as he picked her up, and helped her into her room before he sat her down on her bed. The weight of her own body seemed to be too much to handle, and she flopped on her side.

Joel left the room for a moment, only to return with a wastebasket, which he sat next to her side of the bed. Ellie, who turned her head to see him better, looked confused and almost agitated.

"If you feel sick, you throw up in there, all right?" he asked, and she nodded to confirm. Joel was not sure what her alcohol tolerance was, nor was he aware of how much she drank. For a moment he considered asking her, but at this point, he was not sure if she would know either.

"Fahl sleep nex to me," she mumbled, and Joel ignored her comment as he made his way to the other side of her room, to sit in an armchair as far from her as possible.

"I'm gonna sleep right here. I'm not far if you need me," he said calmly.

"Why can't you jus do waht I want onnne time?" she whined.

"Ellie..." he moaned from annoyance.

"I like tha way you say my name," she purred, and his head snapped to attention.

"What?" he spat, and instantly regretted his reply.

"I like everything you do," she added, almost clear as day yet again.

Joel sat in silence. He was instead consumed by the rapid thoughts in his conscience.

"In fact, I've never liked anyone the way I like you," she continued, but her voice sounded sad.

"...If you take this conversation any further, I'm leaving," he finally said after a long pause. "And I won't come back."

Luckily, Ellie did not reply.

He meant his words in more than just the context of tonight. A few weeks ago, when he felt particularly depressed about the entire situation, he considered sneaking out of the house one night without a trace. Joel figured he could live out the rest of his life alone, and hoped death would find him quickly. Maybe a stalker would find him in a building when he least expected, or even a hunter...or maybe he would finally succumb to his demons and pull the trigger himself.

Joel brushed the thoughts away with a shake of his head, and put one hand across his face, as if it could calm him down. Ellie did not stir, and he assumed she had fallen asleep, and got up to take a good look at her to be sure.

He wasn't sure how long he stared at her, but he quickly snapped out of it once he realized how creepy and ridiculous it seemed. The shock of his own actions caused him to jump, but then his eyes settled on something that did not seem to belong in her room at all.

On her nightstand, a bright, bubble-gum pink notebook sat carefully amidst the neutral colors of the room.

Ellie hates pink...

Joel lingered for a moment, certain that she had found this notebook somewhere and had probably hidden it in her backpack. The real question that concerned him was what the pages held. Is it her notebook...or is it someone else's she's been using as entertainment?

The latter did not seem far fetched in his mind, as he often collected memoirs to gain an insight into the past, but it was not a habit that he noticed in Ellie. As for the former, he wasn't sure Ellie was the kind of person to write her thoughts where someone could gain such easy access.

His conscience burned...he knew damn well he shouldn't look into it. And yet, perhaps the information he needed to make things right between them was written inside! After all, it was all just lying there...

You're a sick old man, you know that?

Joel stopped his debate, and silently grabbed the journal, before he sat down again in the armchair across the room. For a long while, his rough fingers traced around the outside of the notebook, and he held himself in suspense, before he finally opened it.

There, in scribbled letters along the first page, read:

Ellie's Journal (Keep the Fuck Out!)

Joel almost laughed, before he realized the seriousness of what he was about to do. But, he was dead set on snooping through her thoughts. The decisive moment was here and now, and it stared him in the face as if to question his real intentions. It was wrong, but it also seemed necessary...

Fuck it, I've done worse.