Chapter 9: Do I Wanna Know***

Ellie's Journal (Keep the Fuck Out!)

Winter, January? 2034

I don't...know how to start this kind of thing. I know Joel collects stuff like this, and I've read a few myself when he isn't looking, but it feels totally weird talking to myself into these pages. That being said, I think I need to do this for my sanity.

Um...it's fucking freezing out, and it's getting hard to concentrate, but I feel like if I don't write all this down, I'm going to start losing my mind. I can't get crazy...Joel needs me too much.

I haven't spoken to anyone in weeks, but I've kinda lost track of the time. It took me a few days to drag Joel into this garage, and to be honest I don't know how either of us are alive right now, but somehow we've managed. It might be stupid to refer to Joel at the moment, because I can't be sure that he's ever going to recover from all this shit. For all I know, he might not make it. But I'll be damned if I don't try. I can't think like that.

I really thought he was dead when he fell off the horse. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and his breathing was shallow. I shook him and he didn't wake up. For some reason, I couldn't cry; I could only force myself to drag him somewhere safe. I think I finally learned that survival instinct from Joel...but it feels like more of a burden than anything. I feel like I've lost something, but I don't think that kind of weak, feely feeling helps anyone in this world. That's probably why Joel gets so pissed at me sometimes.

After about an hour, I had stopped his bleeding, but we were making terrible progress. I drug him, myself, and the horse into the woods and we stayed there for the night. I didn't sleep, because I was too paranoid, and my eyes burned like hell, but once the sun came up, I figured I could save some energy if I tied Joel to Callus.

There was some leftover rope in Joel's backpack...I don't know if that was a miracle or if he just keeps random shit in there, but it might have helped save his life. I wasn't going to complain. I tied a knot to Joel's backpack with him still in it, and then I tied a loose knot to Callus' neck.

I had Callus trot slowly, so Joel wouldn't get hurt even more. It seems so wrong and careless looking back, but I couldn't lift him up on Callus, and if I was gonna do this alone I needed to cover our ass as much as possible. Occasionally we'd stop for water, but food was hard to come by.

Luckily, the snow hadn't started to fall yet, so there were some leftover berries in the woods. I mashed them, sat him up and forced a little into his mouth. For a second I hoped he might wake up, but he didn't.

On the third day, we found this neighborhood, and I chose this house because it seemed easy enough to defend if shit were to go down. When I finally got him into the garage, and found a blanket to get him warm, I let myself cry.

I cried for a long time, and the tears stung my face, and I felt fucking stupid as hell, but I also felt a lot better. After that, I went upstairs to see if I could find any supplies, when I stumbled upon this diary. I've been staring at it for a long time, feeling numb, and not really knowing what to say.

Oh...Joel's moaning again. I don't know when I might write next. Maybe in a few months. Hopefully, Joel will be better by then when he wakes up- if he wakes up- fuck, stop thinking shit like that.

Spring, March 2034

I've never been more thankful to have Joel next to me, but I've also never felt more alone. I can't...talk to him anymore, even though I know he's desperate to get me back to normal.

That always makes me more sad...I've tried so hard for so long to get him to open up to me, and now that he's finally talking to me on his own, I'm so lost in my own shit that I don't hear him.

I've never seen him look so lost. It's my fault. He gets this painful look on his face, like he's almost irritated, but then his face softens, and he goes right back to leaving me alone. A small part of me wants to apologize for being so weird, but then I would have to admit that something is wrong with me, and I won't do that. Of course, he knows I'm not right right now...but I feel like if I admit that weakness, it would break his heart.

I still have to be strong for him.

...But how can I be strong for someone when I have nothing left inside? That monster...he fucking...he fucking took away my peace of mind.

At the cabin...after everything that happened, I've never seen Joel so tender and gentle. There was this whole other side to him, and I realized how human we both were, despite how hard he tried to pretend that he wasn't anymore.

I was almost angry that he showed how much he cared about me, because I felt like it made me look even more like a scared little kid. I just wanna be strong, dammit, but I feel my grasp slipping.

At night, I can feel Joel hold me a little tighter. When I'm awake I can feel his careful gaze, like he's trying to see through my fucking soul, if those kind of things even exist. I used to think they did...but I don't know anymore. He treats me a little more carefully than he used to, like he expects me to fall apart. Like he's just waiting patently to piece me back together, just in case I lose my shit.

I think I need help.

Joel's dying to understand, but I can't explain myself.

I don't even fucking know myself anymore.

I think in the past, people used to write good and bad experiences in these things. But, I wonder... why I should bother at all if anything good happens? Something terrible will just come along and ruin it.

The world doesn't allow for much else other than fucking tragedy. That's all anything amounts to in the end, anyway.

Spring, May 2034

Joel has lied to my face. I'm sure of it.

The way his eyes didn't falter when he swore to me...the way he didn't even take a second to consider my question, was so very unlike Joel that I'm absolutely positive he isn't telling the truth. Maybe that shit would have worked with someone else, but it isn't gonna work with me. Joel isn't the kind of guy to speak without careful consideration. Hell, we've been companions for almost a year and I'm just now getting used to his quiet habits.

The man is fucking liar!

I almost find it funny, because a part of me doesn't even want to dwell on the issue. Someday, I'll get it out of him, or he'll crack from the guilt. At this point, after all that's happened, I just want to enjoy life, and if that means avoiding the fact that the person closest to me has lied to my face, I'll deal with it. I've been through worse.

A small part of me thinks a little differently about him now, but I haven't lost respect for him. The most frustrating thing for me is that he actually believed I would fall for his bullshit lie. I can ignore that he lied to me, but the simple fact that he thought I wouldn't notice, when I know him better than anyone...it's bullshit! Bullshit.

What also really fucking bugs me is that he still has this save-Ellie-from-despair-to-be-a-hero complex. I know my best interest was in his heart, it always is, but Joel is gonna have to come to respect the fact that I'm growing older if we're gonna live together.

*sigh*

Of course, I was pretty broken a few months ago, and I just recently got a little better, so I...know it's natural for him to feel protective...it even feels good to know someone will have my back no matter what. Sometimes I can't fucking stay mad at him, and I get the sense that this feeling is morphing into something I'm not sure of. But what the hell do I know?

What I DO know, is that the mother fucker lied! Okay, maybe this is going to bother me more than it should. The asshole is stirring next to me, so I should put this away for now in case he wakes up.

Fall, September 2035

I haven't written in a long time. It's funny, how time changes a person. Time offered a complete metamorphosis. I'm still very much myself, and I still cuss like a sailor, but I admit I feel I'm more articulate than I was before. Maybe that's a normal response to getting older. I have to admit, I never thought I'd make it this far.

Believe it or not, I think I'm becoming attractive (holy shit, right?). Maria said so herself, and with the way the other guys my age have been acting, I'm starting to think they're seeing something I'm not. Joel is one of the few people who treats me exactly the way he always has, which is a relief as well as a burden. Maybe this is just classic denial on the old man's part, or maybe he just respects me too much to focus on my appearance. I love that Joel likes my character, but it bothers me to know he still sees me as a child... as an inferior, or maybe as a replacement.

My responsibilities and needs are much different than they used to be, though I see him struggling to give me more independence, which I appreciate. He's actually encouraged me to spend time with some other boys my age, though I can see he's uncomfortable with this and he's only encouraging me for my benefit. Hell, maybe Tommy and Maria have been pressuring him to let me act my age.

That being said, I find it difficult to "act my age"...whatever that entails. I have nothing in common with the other boys, and although I have a few girls I'm close to, the only person I can be myself with is Joel.

As for Joel, the man only talks to Tommy, Maria, and I. Thankfully, he's much more open with me than he used to be, though he's still far from being an open book. It makes me feel good to finally understand him more...and in turn, he listens to me with eager eyes about my life before him. Not that there was much of it.

About a year ago, Tommy tried setting him up with Esther, but that didn't go very well. She seemed clearly interested in him, and Joel seemed to be doing his best to talk to her, but it all seemed so forced.

At first, Joel thought I would feel like I was second best, and I assured him this wouldn't be the case, because he deserved happiness more than anyone. Even so, there was something in his eyes, a certain reluctance, that would appear whenever she was around. It only lasted a few months, before Joel ended it, and for some reason, I felt lighter than air.

Joel told me he preferred my company to any other, and although I knew this already, there was something in this sacrifice that made me feel warm deep inside my stomach.

One time, I brought a boy over, named Jonny, just to see Joel's reaction. He watched us together like a hawk, even though he thought he was being sneaky. On the couch, Jonny boy got a little too touchy-feely, so I kicked him out. Before I could even turn around from the door, Joel flew down the steps before he threatened to beat the kid to a pulp. I laughed it off and told him I was capable of just as much, to which he agreed, and then we went on with our lives.

Yet...there was a certain possessiveness that radiated from his being, and for some reason, ever since that day, it made me feel good. I don't think the feeling will last...but if it does...well, I'm not sure what will happen in the future.

Summer, August 2036

I have done something that cannot be undone.

For some reason, I cannot get the image of the man down the hall out of my mind. I am well aware about adolescence and hormones, but this is much more than some teenage lust on my part. One day, I pieced together what I had unintentionally been avoiding.

My emotional connection to Joel has always been exceptional, but I think this connection has planted seeds of something larger than feelings toward another person in my mind. Or, rather, my heart...not that I believe love is an altogether logical experience.

Jeez, what the fuck am I saying?

I was sitting in the kitchen with some water just this afternoon, the day was hot and ridiculous. Joel was outside, chopping wood for the cool weather that was soon to arrive, as per usual during this time of year. After I took a drink, I got up to take him some water outside, but I stopped short in the kitchen window.

Joel was outside, in a ratty old white T-shirt that was too snug for his taste, and the sinewy threads of his muscle were visible through the cotton. His arms raised above him, and then released their energy on the wood below, splitting the timber in half, as well as my mindset.

There was something so sexual about it. It was fucking hot. Jesus, it was so fucking hot. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Sweat poured off his brow, there was a certain darkness in his eyes, and his face was flushed from the heat. To be completely honest, I have no idea how long I stood inside watching him. My brief escapade into voyeurism, however, was cut short when he made eye contact with me.

At first, I wasn't sure if I had imagined it, but then a look of astonishment painted his features, and he shifted uncomfortably with the ax in his hand. Quickly, I walked away from the window and went upstairs into my room, and considered what I had just done. I've been up here ever since.

This is awful.

I know I've had a thing for Joel for quite some time, but I had expected it to fade. My assumption was that I felt so attached to him because there was no one else I had ever wanted to be with, but I'd never experienced a physical attraction to him. I am seventeen years old, I am well aware of what attraction feels like, I've even been attracted to a few guys my age even though I didn't like them, but today...this...this was different.

I will never be able to go back from this point on, and I've always known I was in this for life, though now it's entirely different than I had imagined. This realization, however, is not my biggest concern.

My biggest concern is that he caught me, and I know he's never gonna shake the uncomfortable way it made him feel. That being said, I don't know if he feels the same or if he's genuinely appalled. Either way, I'm still screwed, because this isn't gonna fucking sit well with him.

I haven't spent a night alone ever since I met Joel, but something tells me tonight will be the first time in years. I simply can't face him, and I know he won't face me.

Fall, November 2037

Fear and loneliness has a funny way of bearing down on a troubled mind.

I had a nightmare a few weeks ago, a stupid fucking nightmare, that took me back to feeling like I was fourteen years old again. The only source of comfort I can imagine whenever anything goes wrong is Joel; he's my rock, and I'm his, and despite the way that our dynamic has subtly changed in the recent past, that part never disappeared.

It's all over now, I think...holy shit, I...I think I've ruined everything.

I've accidentally taken things too far without his permission, and in placing him in an awkward position, I'm almost positive he'll never bring it up again. We'll just ignore each other for the rest of our lives, I suppose, and although it's bleak, I refuse to leave him alone in this house. We still need each other.

For some reason, I was compelled to crawl into bed with him after my nightmare, although it's been a very long time since I've done that. It felt comforting and right, but then I felt him grow restless next to me, and he woke up. I wish I could burn the horrified expression on his face from my mind.

There was an argument, but when I tried to make things better...he raised his voice and told me to get out.

I'm a big girl, and I'm independent, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it hurt my feelings.

Joel really hurt my feelings, but I think I deserved it! And I'm well aware that things will never be the same...We haven't even made eye contact with one another.

For some reason, I found comfort in that boy named Jonny. We've known each other for a while, so I decided to start leading him on to take the pain away. That's obviously wrong, but, I felt like I needed to try with someone other than Joel. Maybe it would even help my case. In fact, these past few weeks the bond between us actually grew, and I came to respect him a little more, though I have no feelings for the boy whatsoever. He really likes me, though... I wanted to see if I could will myself to feel something for him.

...I let Jonny take my virginity in the hope that I could lose my mind in him and move on, but that didn't happen. Of course, now I just feel more empty. And I feel stupid. And like an asshole. At least it's something I can check off my list, I guess.

There's no one for me turn to, hell, I don't even have a friend who could understand enough to listen. The only person I wanna talk to is avoiding me like the plague, but I don't even think I could tell him what I've done.

Fucking confused. Very, very confused.

Joel would be ashamed of me. The only reason I know this, is because I'm ashamed of myself.