Chapter 10: In Wine There Is Truth***

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Joel forced the journal shut into his lap and stared into the distance, fists balled tight to maintain composure. He felt like a bystander who witnessed a tragic accident. He could not prevent himself from his spiral into the obscure, train wreck of a climax in Ellie's journal. Now, as he sat there, he felt himself grow nauseated at the entire thing.

That last part, about when she gave herself to the boy, killed Joel. With her virginity had gone the last piece of her old innocence, and now he was forced to view her as an adult. Not only that, but it seemed like she felt troubled about the whole thing. It felt traumatic. Hell, maybe the first time is always traumatic. Maybe he was told old to remember.

It wasn't special like it should have been. Joel thought back to Vera, and tasted regret on his tongue. That experience was awful, but at least he had assumed he loved her back then. Ellie knew damn well she held no interest for the boy she lost it to, and that must have been so much worse.

This had gone too far, now he had started to inflict pain on her.

He wished he had not read anything at all. A teeny, tiny part of him was intrigued as she sang his praises in the beginning, and he admired her strength, but he felt his face grow red with blush as her entries became more...emotionally charged. All those pent up feelings were geared toward him, as he had always suspected for the past year or so, but, much to his horror, it confirmed she was in love with him.

What could a hardened, bastard of an old man provide for a young...woman...who was so bright? Ellie had a future in Jackson, she could settle down and have children if she wanted; Joel, on the other hand, was just killing time before his borrowed time ran out. Although she had provided him with a reason to survive, he could not help but consider that he was just too old and too tired to care anymore.

Fifty-three, in this world, is just too god damned long.

Of course, he had found real happiness here, but even that was short-lived. Joel would be damned if he'd take Ellie down with him as his own ship sunk. No matter what, he would have to convince her to give up this little fantasy of hers and move on, even though he knew it was too late for that kind of progress. Either way, they were destined for a train wreck: if he gave her what she wanted, he wouldn't even live long enough to see her reach her forties, but if he refused her, how could he expect that not to damage her?

No...she's still young...maybe I could convince her to move on, for my sake.

With all those thoughts, Joel suddenly realized he'd never explicitly made it clear in his mind about his new opinion of Ellie. Although his obvious love for her was no surprise to him, he never allowed any physical opinion about her to form his mind. That being said...she was very beautiful in her own way to him, but beautiful did not necessarily mean sexual attraction. Yes, she had supple hips and a round bottom, and a certain pout to her lips, not to mention that although small, she had a very French appearance to her bosom, but none of that meant anything.

Right?

Right?

Fuck, who am I kidding, that little girl became my dream somewhere down the line, and I can't even put my finger on when it happened. But, dreamin's for the weak minded, and we live in the fuckin' real world. Get your shit together, Joel.

Surprisingly, the age difference didn't bother him because of the stigma. Joel never gave a damn about the opinions of others, and he wasn't about to start this late in his life. That being said, what did bother him was that she would inevitably watch him die. After all the loss she'd experienced in her young life, Joel knew that if something were to happen to him, she would never recover.

After all, if anything happened to her, he knew he would not last. On their travels, Joel had decided that should any misfortune fall upon her, he would have to pull the trigger on himself as quickly as possible.

But, if he died as a father figure, that would be more bearable for her. Children are aware that they outlive their parents. But, the death of a life partner involved much more pain, especially when she would have no one else to turn to for comfort. Of course, Joel would probably not outlive Tommy and Maria, but even though they would be alive to keep Ellie company, and even though she loved them, they couldn't even compare to the bond that he had with her.

Ellie was so much like Joel that it frightened him, and it often made him feel bad for the poor old soul, stuck in the body of a nineteen year old.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ellie mumbled across the room, and Joel jumped.

The sun had started to rise in the window. Jesus, your dumb ass lost track of time.

"...How you feelin'?" he managed to choke, as this was the first sober conversation they had had in months.

"Like shit, but only half of it's from the whiskey, asshole," she spat, and sat up in bed to glare at him. Joel stared her down, and took a deep breath.

"Listen, I haven't been treatin' you well, and I know you're angry. You deserve to be angry. Figure I owe you one hell of an apology," he mumbled, somehow fascinated that he had pushed his previous, secret thoughts away, and looked into his hands.

I'm too good at avoidance.

Instantly, his eyes fell to the diary that he still clutched, and he heard Ellie gasp as she noticed at the same time that he did.

"You son of a bitch. If you wanted to know what was on my mind, all you had to do was ask," she said, and her words cut through him like glass.

"I saw it next to your bed last night...after I got your drunken ass to sleep," he managed to yell back, though he did not feel real aggression. The man was doing his best to shift her attention. Ellie's eyes narrowed, and instantly he knew she would not fall for his attempt to sidetrack her from the subject.

"Don't pull that shit with me, Joel, please. Talk to me."

"Now, listen-" he began.

"-No, you listen. You're a nosy fuck and you shouldn't have read any of that, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know more than ever that I need you Joel. Let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain. You have a crush; all little girl's have a crush now and then, ain't no harm in it as long as you get over it quick," he lied through his teeth, and felt his heart break.

Of course he knew she loved him, and of course she was a grown woman, but if he said those words out loud instead of inside his head, it would confirm it... and make the situation real. Joel needed more time to think. Suddenly, he felt emotion bubble, and it consumed him.

"You're lying again. But that's okay, I always know when you're lying," she hinted, and he felt as though he needed air.

"Ellie, I'm not ready to have this conversation, okay? I need time," he choked, and her face softened when she realized how unstable he felt. Tears almost pricked at his eyes, and he coughed to make them go away.

"Joel...please, I know I love you. And I know you love me too, and I don't see why we can't start living our lives together like a couple," she said quickly, and moved toward him before he flinched.

"No! No, god dammit!" he yelled, now aggressive, and she stared at him. "I was doing just fine...just fine," he said, and his voice caught at the end.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, slowly.

"Why can't you just leave me alone? Can't you see this is hard?" he pleaded.

She watched him carefully.

"Let me understand."

They sat there together in silence for a long time as Joel paced the room. Numerous expressions formed across his face, and he felt like past 30 years were on repeat in his mind, up until the point where they both stood today.

"When Tess died, I resented you. I damn near wanted hate you for it...and then..." he gestured with his hands, and the wrinkles around his eye increased as he struggled to continue. "...Then I felt myself gettin' attached like I shouldn't."

"Like...romantically...like it felt inappropriate because I was so young?"

"No! No, it wasn't even like that yet, but it was worse than that. You became my life, and it felt good to care about someone again...to take care of someone, because we only had each other. I hate myself for it, and I hate that I met you because you made me feel this way."

"You're blaming me for your feelings? So you regret it...you regret me... you regret everything..." she stated, without an actual question. Joel's face softened, and his eyes grew wide.

"No, I...I don't regret anything. I just wonder how in the hell we got here is all, and I cannot fathom any favorable outcome for either of us," he said, voice full of sorrow, with a shrug of his shoulders.

"But you do blame me."

"Well, yeah."

"Joel, that is the most incredibly stupid, juvenile thing I've ever heard."

He huffed and thew his hands in the air.

"I know that! I'm tellin' you the truth, it's how I feel. Thought you might appreciate that."

"Why are you struggling so much with this?"

"Those feelins' of attachment made me weak. I was doin'...I was doin' just fine. Things got even better once we got here, and then you spring all this shit on me and now I'm forced to deal with it! Can't you just be happy with someone else?"

"No!" she almost squealed in outrage.

"Why don't you try, dammit," he growled, and became visibly irate.

"Joel, did you expect to live your life like some emotional fucking cripple? I know it was necessary for survival, I get it! But you need to stop using it as a crutch...I mean look at us now. We're allowed to live our lives and try to move on."

"No, Ellie, just-"

"-no, fucking shut up for a second. You always preach to me like some fucking invalid who doesn't have a say, but I have a say now Joel. This is my life too! Isn't that what you always told me?Things happen and we move on. Stop being such a hypocrite and move on. Not just for your sake, but for mine. Please," she said.

"What can I give you that some young buck can't? You gonna watch me grow old and die before you're thirty-five? Assuming the infected don't get me first. You gonna wipe my ass and the slobber from my mouth when I'm too god damn old to even recognize who you are? You ain't never seen old age, Ellie, I don't think you get-"

"-Stop! Joel, I can't be with anyone else and neither can you. We've come too far now. And as for everything you've just said...I mean, I'm a little offended that you think so little of me. I can take care of you. You always took care of me."

"That dynamic ain't never gonna change if I have any say," he replied, firm and stern.

"Don't play this off like you're only concerned for my well-being. I know my well being is your main priority, and a part of me is glad for that, but a lot of these feelings you have are just your way of shutting yourself down because you can't deal with all these changes! You're so used to not feeling anything...and you can't handle this. You're protecting yourself."

"Ellie, this conversation ain't goin' no where, and it's just gonna drive us further apart. Let's just prete-"

"...Oh...I get it now, this is all to soothe your ego because you don't wanna look fragile. Well, Joel, lemme tell ya, I've never seen you more weak and pathetic than you look now. Trying to avoid me when I pour my heart out to you because you're scared of your feelings. It's okay, I don't feel rejection, I know you better than that. I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger than you."

"...What difference would it make if I told you I loved you? That's nothing you don't already know. I can't imagine what more you want from me," he said, brow furrowed. In his heart, he felt a stab of pain when he realized what he had just admitted, and he thought he saw a similar reaction from Ellie, but she seemed preoccupied with other thoughts.

"I want you in every way, not just with your words. And, none of this is just about what I want Joel. It's about what we need. Don't you understand the difference?" she whispered.

"What you need, is someone who can be there for you the rest of your life. And I can't give you that."

"What about what you need? Don't you need someone to love you...make you feel significant...I know there are emotions under that hardened face, Joel."

"Emotions get people killed, Ellie."

"Not here in Jackson, not anymore."

"Emotions won't get you physically killed here...but...'death of the heart'... you have no idea," Joel whispered, somehow miraculous that he had recalled some faint quote from the past.

"If that's the case Joel, you're already dead if you refuse my proposition."

"I've been dead inside for a long time."

"No, you clearly fucking haven't! And the fact that you avoid it so much proves my point even more. You may have been brutal, and you may have done awful things, but you're still the best person I know Joel."

"Am I supposed to feel better now that you've said that?" he scoffed.

"Okay...another point then...what if I told you that by not being with me, you'd be ruining my life? Would that change your mind? And don't you think you owe it to me to give me what I want after you lied to me all those years ago? I never pressed you about it, because I knew you wouldn't tell me. You see, I value your feelings more than I value my own. So I left it alone! I think it's time you start valuing me more than you value yourself, you selfish fuck."

"Obviously I value you more than I value myself, god dammit! If you don't know that by now, then you don't know jack shit," he replied, eyes dark.

"Well then, I guess there's nothing left for me here. You aren't going to budge, and my needs aren't going to disappear."

"What?"

"Since you can't give me what we need, and since you obviously want to torture yourself, I'll let you wallow alone. That's what you want, isn't it? Isn't that what you wanted from the beginning, when I was just cargo?"

"Ellie, now just hold on a minu-"

"-I don't have any time left to waste, Joel. I've already wasted five years of my life. I'm gonna leave, okay? Don't worry, I won't come back."

"Are you threatening me?" he pressed, eyes narrowed.

"I would never threaten you. I'm just giving you what you want."

They stared at each other for a long time. For a moment, Joel thought she had attempted to bluff to get a reaction from him, but then he realized she meant it. Conflicted emotions ran through his mind as he searched her face, but he considered that she might be better off if she left him.

Maybe she could move on...isn't that what you wanted?

"If you wanna leave...I...won't stop you."

"I don't want to leave, but I think you'll be happier if I go."

"Okay, then" he finally replied, and she nodded slowly, before she started to leave the room.

Suddenly, she turned around.

"Don't kill yourself over this."

He huffed, and waved her off.

Then, she left, and Joel was lost.