Over the course of the next days, Alice and I started to settle in with the Cullens. She threw herself head first into a number of projects, including learning how to sew from Esme, planning to redecorate our guest room with Rosalie, and trying to figure out some of her past with the aid of Carlisle. She even pushed Edward to teach her how to play the piano. It was, as if she had only really started to live now, that we were with the family she had always known as her own.
I had confronted her with my suspicion the previous evening, when we were alone for the first time since meeting the Cullen's. We had run up into Jasper National Forest – whose name she found hilarious and just perfect – for a hunt and used the opportunity afterwards to spend some time together without the other's overhearing every word we spoke or move we made.
"There is something I wanted to ask you", I said, looking down at my angel who had cuddled herself up next to me. I was laying on the forest earth, my arms around her, and looking up into the stars of the night sky. Every once in a while, when we were completely alone and safe, I used my gift to let Alice feel what I felt - completely without filter. Today was one of those days.
No words in this world could do the experience justice. It was, as if we were no longer separate but rather one, our emotions flowing freely from one body to the other. It was intoxicating. "What is it?", Alice replied, rolling on to her stomach so that she could look me in the eyes. With the connection of our bodies broken, the feeling quickly subsided and I let it go, stopping the flow of my emotions to her, before explaining my observation: "Have you been holding yourself back, before we met them? In terms of learning stuff and following your interests? From everything you've told me and what I have seen since we met, it feels like you have restricted yourself to waiting for the last 30 years. It's as if you only really started to live now."
"Sometimes I am still impressed by how well you get me", Alice responded, stretching out one of her fingers to trace a scar on my arm. I turned my head to look at her and could see the pain I felt in her eyes. "It's true. I was very hesitant with my actions over the last 30 years because I feared that my decisions would alter our future. I couldn't bare the thought of suddenly loosing you or this family only because I determined that it would be so much fun to study Italian", she revealed and I used my talent to diminish her pain. I didn't want her to be sad.
"You speak Italian?", I remarked, smiling and picking a leave out of her hair. "No, I don't. That was just …", she replied, suddenly understanding that I was joking and hitting my chest with her tiny fist. "You! I was being serious!", she exclaimed, sitting up and crossing her arms in front of her chest. "I know and I am sorry. But I cannot bare to see you sad", I defended myself, sitting up as well and pulling her face closer, so that I could kiss her. Alice leaned into the kiss, running her hands through my hair and before she even knew it, she was again laying in the grass, my body nailing her to the ground and prohibiting any escape. Not that wanted to flee anyway.
I dispelled the thoughts of what happened afterwards since I knew Edward was around here somewhere. My eyes returned to the book in my hand and I finished reading down the last page, before closing it and getting onto my feet. I had spent the last few days exploring the contents of Carlisle's library. First, the history of the area had sparked my interest but I quickly turned my back on it when I found a collection of books about world history, sorted by years and ranging from 1800 to 1940, with one book covering 10 years each.
After being turned, I hardly noticed anything outside of the bloody reality I was living in. Sure, at some point I heard about the end of the civil war, the invention of the electrical light or world war one but I didn't really care about them. But now, returning to a more or less civilized life, I felt the need to catch up. The book I just finished covered 1900 to 1909 and I was eager to get on to the 1910 to 1919s, leaving the guest room and heading towards Carlisle's study, when I passed Esme's sewing and crafting room and she called me.
"Finished another book?", she asked and I stopped in my path, turning towards her. Alice and Esme were sitting on the floor, pinning patterns to a dark blue fabric. "Yes I am. How is your dress coming along?", I returned, looking at the piles of fabric that they had already cut. "Splendid, Alice is a fast learner", Esme remarked and Alice's face immediately lit up. "We were just talking about the shopping trip tomorrow, are you going to come with us?", the caramel-haired vampire added and I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea…", I replied looking at Alice. We had not discussed this yet but she seemed to have already made up her mind. "Of course you are coming, this is your last clean shirt. You need some new clothing", she commented, gesturing in my direction with the scissors she held in her hand. The fact that clothes could be washed and reused was still something I tried to teach her - without luck so far.
I wasn't as sure as she was. Cramming myself into a store with a group of shopping-hungry humans was risk. An unnecessary one, considering that Alice picked out what I was allowed to buy anyway and never had trouble finding the right size in the past. I looked at her for a moment, unconsciously rubbing my throat with my hand. "It'll be fine, Jazz. We can go there early in the morning, just when the stores open. And we could bring the Jaguar, so you can leave after we get you some nice new things", she tried to convince me and how could I ever reject her? Thus, I finally agreed and left the girls to their work, getting myself the next book and resuming my spot on the guest bed.
Alice held her word. She, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie and I left in the early morning, aiming to be in the city by 9 am, when the shops would open. Like she had predicted, the streets of downtown Calgary were more or less empty, with only a few early morning shoppers fleeing into the stores and cafés to escape the heavy rain. We were following the Cullens to the first store, Alice clinging to my left arm, and me holding up the umbrella that kept us from being soaked. "Will you get me the Wall Street Journal please?", she asked, pointing at a newspaper stand further down on the other side of the street. I nodded, adjusting my path just as Esme announced, that we had reached our destination.
Alice was really excited, looking at the clothing store while I didn't care about it too much. These stores all looked the same to me – with the exception that this one seemed a lot more expensive than any store I would have picked out for myself. "Why don't you get me the journal while I start picking out some nice things for you?", she proposed and immediately followed Esme and Rosalie into the store, leaving me and the umbrella out in the rain. I shrugged my shoulders, turned and walked towards the newspaper stand, when Emmett caught up to me.
"Shouldn't you be in there?", I asked, nodding into the direction of the store. "Not if I can help it. So what are we doing?", he replied and I could feel his relief. "I am getting Alice her newspaper and then I am going to go back into that store to get this over with. I want to be out of here before the masses turn up", I mumbled as we crossed the road. "You really need to loosen up man", Emmett sighed as we reached the stand and I asked for the Wall Street Journal, handing the vendor 20 cents.
I avoided looking at the man, since his heartbeat tested my restraint enough already – I didn't need to see his exposed neck and rosy cheeks. Suddenly, I was glad to have Emmett next to me, he would definitively be strong enough to hold me back if I lost it. I would have avoided this interaction, if it was possible, but Alice couldn't get the journal herself – a young woman of her age interested in the stock market would seem suspicions. Me, on the other hand, the salesman didn't even take a second look at.
I received my copy, turned and before I could put it away, Emmett had already snatched it from my hands. He was still following me like an annoying puppy. "Alice really reads that?", he questioned, looking at the most recent stock market prices that were printed on the front page. "She had a vision of herself making lots of money on the stock market using her gift. For your family as well, not that you seem to need it", I explained, taking the newspaper back and storing it inside my coat to prevent the paper from getting wet.
"Yeah, we are living quite well off Carlisle's salary and the sales from his massive art collection. And Esme is remarkable with antiquities", Emmett told me while we walked back to the store, "I had wondered where you got the money for the Jaguar from." – "That one she won playing cards. Alice hasn't started meddling with stocks yet", I corrected and closed the umbrella before pushing open the entry door to the store. "Why not?", he asked, placing his umbrella next to mine. "Apparently she needs me to help her deal with the broker and I am not yet … ready for that", I explained, spotting the others in the men's section.
"This is hard for you, isn't it? I noticed you're not breathing", Emmett said just loud enough for me to hear it but without risking our conversation being overheard by a human, as we walked towards the girls. I immediately stopped right where I stood, turning around to him after hearing his comment. Why did he think that this was his business? I looked at him in silence for a moment, before remarking "You seem to do fine". Turning back to my path, I hoped he understood that this conversation was over for me. But Emmett didn't get the hint. He was surprised by what I had just said, still following me and asking: "Yeah, but I've been doing this for the last 15 years. You surely can't expect to compare with us after only two years, can you?"
Maybe he was right, but it didn't change the fact that I was a liability. Me being here right now, was a liability. And I hated feeling this weak, being the one that everybody had to look out for. We reached the girls and I turned to Alice, without replying to what Emmett's comment. He finally got the note, that I didn't want to talk about this and instead approached his mate, pulling her into his arms and kissing her as if they hadn't seen each other for weeks.
I pushed the thoughts about my thirst away as far as possible and concentrated myself on Alice's joy before accepting the pile of clothes she was handing me. "What was that about?", she asked, having overheard Emmett's last comment. "Nothing I wish to discuss right now", I replied, curiously eyeing the clothes she had picked out. "Fine. Why don't you go ahead to the changing rooms? I just want to look for two or three more pieces and will be with you in a minute", she suggested and I nodded, doing what she asked of me.
I was relieved to find the men's changing rooms completely empty and chose the cubicle closest to the entrance, so that it would be easy for me to slip out and flee the story, if it was necessary. Putting the pile of clothes down on the stool, I noticed a blue denim fabric sticking out of he bottom. Curious about what Alice had found, I separated the item from the rest and felt a strange sensation going through me, when my hands touched the robust, familiar material.
Suddenly, a memory flashed through my head. I instinctively knew that I was on my father's ranch, saddling my horse to go check on the cattle we had out grassing down by the river. "Jasper!", I heard my name called and turned around to see a young girl in a light blue dress and long blonde braids running towards me. "Can I come with you, please", she pleaded and somehow I unexpectedly recalled her name: Mary. She was my little sister.
I had a sister. The realisation of this fact hit me like a fist in the face and I gasped, letting the fabric slide out of my hands. When becoming a vampire, the details of our human lives quickly faded away, with only the most crucial and defining moments remaining. But for me, it was even more extreme. Having lived in nothing but blood rage for the first 20 years of my new life, I never felt the need to recall what I had been before. As a result, I forgot more of it than most of the other's I knew did. Some memories had come back while reading up on Carlisle's books from the period but they were minor compared to this. How could I have forgotten about my own sister? I truly was a monster.
Thinking about her, her name and the face I had just recalled, more information resurfaced. I remembered teaching her how to ride and read, dancing with her at the rodeo. And I remembered how she cried the night when I left to join the army. I could hear her, begging me not to leave them, the sound of her shaking voice resonating in my ears. "Jasper?", a more familiar sound pulled me back into reality and as my eyes focused I saw Alice standing in front of me, clearly worried and confused about what was going on. I hadn't even realised that she entered the cubicle.
"Are you alright?", she asked, gently taking my hand as I cleared my throat and tried to regain my voice. "I just remembered something… From my human life", I whispered in case someone was listening in. "That is wonderful, are you going to tell me about it?", her face lit up immediately and she put the clothes in her arms down to hug me. I welcomed the embrace, pulling her closer as I told my angel about what just happened. "I cannot believe I forgot about her", I finished, looking down at Alice who was overjoyed to hear the news. Because she had lost all memories from her human life, she always enjoyed listening to other people's stories and I was positive, that she had used the last few days to fill in the blanks in her knowledge of each of our hosts pasts.
"You shouldn't be to hard on yourself. With your violent start into this life it is only natural that you lost more than others did. But this is a good sign! It means your memories are coming back", she finally replied, letting go of the embrace and gesturing towards the huge pile of clothes that had amassed on the stool: "I would love to talk about this some more later, but right now we need to get you into the things I picked out." I smiled, placing a swift kiss on her lips before gently directing her out of the cubicle so that I could get changed. She really knew how to get myself out of my head when necessary. "Please try the jeans for the checked shirt and cream sweater, the brown trousers with the white shirt and grey vest, the black trousers for the blue shirt and cream vest, the …", she gave me instructions on how I was supposed to combine the pieces she had picked out but stopped immediately, after I exited the cubicle in the demanded jeans and red checked shirt.
"Now you look just like I always pictured Jasper Whitlock to look", she said, obviously pleased with her picks. I turned around and looked into the mirror. I had to admit, that she was close. The ensemble resembled what I had been wearing in my most recent memory, however the shirt had been plain back then. Wearing jeans felt extremely familiar even though I hadn't seen the material in a very long time. It reminded me of how much my human self adored riding. The feeling of freedom I had felt back then, whenever I mounted a horse, was something that I had never forgotten and was one of the only things I dearly missed. But since all animals shied away from us, recognizing the superior predator, I had to accept that I would never be able to do ride again.
"Do you like it?", Alice asked me and I turned back to her. "I like it. But it's not who I am anymore", I dismissed the ensemble and got back into the cubicle, changing into a pair of black pants and the cream sweater. Over the course of the next minutes, I tried on about twelve different outfits and presented them to Alice who either approved or dismissed. As expected, everything fit perfectly and trying everything on was pointless, but I still put up with it because I knew how happy it made her.
In the end, Alice decided to get four pairs of trousers, three sweaters, seven different button downs and four vests that she could layer with the shirts. She hadn't brought up the jeans and checked shirt again, understanding that I didn't want to talk about it. "The stores will fill up in about half an hour…", she warned me as we waited to pay for my new clothes. "Are you going to be fine without me?", I asked, tossing Rosalie, Emmett and Esme a look. They had progressed to the women's section and Emmett was dutifully carrying a pile of clothing to which his mate frequently added. "Of course I am, and I look forward to present my acquisitions to you once I get home", she replied, handing me the bags and gesturing towards the door, "Go."
I was glad to get out of the store and headed towards the Jaguar as fast as I could without attracting attention. Alice was right, the streets quickly filled up and I gave my best to fixate on my destination, not paying attention to the humans I passed. It was hard. Relieved to have reached the car, I quickly stored my bags in the trunk and was just about to close it when a pair of legs entered my vision. I did not have to look up to know that Emmett was standing next to me. "She let you go?", I remarked, surprised at his sudden appearance. "Of course! Someone needs to make sure you do not massacre the peaceful early morning strollers of Calgary", he replied and from the tone in his voice I knew he was making a joke. A bad one.
I closed the trunk with slightly more force that was necessary and snarled at Emmett in response before turning around and getting into the driver's seat. "Too early?", he asked, getting into the passenger's seat and closing the door behind him. "Definitively", I replied but couldn't help but smile at his response, shifting gears and manoeuvring us out of the parking spot. We passed the Chrysler Rosalie, Emmett and Esme had taken to town and I raised an eyebrow, looking at the red car. Compared to the Jaguar, its trunk was huge. But it still wouldn't be enough.
"They won't fit", I commented, turning onto the street and heading out of town. "Who won't fit where?", Emmett asked, clearly confused. "The others and their shopping turnout. They won't fit into the Chrysler", I explained slowly starting to breathe again as we left Calgary behind us. "Into the Chrysler? That trunk is huge! Of course they'll fit", the brown haired vampire disagreed and suddenly turned towards me with a big grin on his face: "Bet?"