Chapter 11: Revelations***

2038 (continued)

Darkness.

Time stood still.

Darkness…

Utter gloom strangled Joel; he felt his eyes well with tears, blank expression on his face, as though death itself held him in its firm, slimy grasp. For a moment, he closed his eyes and hoped the misery would cease soon. Let death take me.

Yet, for some sick reason, Joel remained.

When Sarah had died, there had been tears and sobs. However, with Ellie's departure, he could not fathom the concept enough to allow the melancholy to consume his mind.

Joel was not sure how long he had remained idle in Ellie's absence.

It sent him over the edge, like some thin thread had finally snapped in his troubled mind. Nonsense thoughts ran through his head some moments, only to be replaced with episodes of emptiness.

But, suddenly, it felt like a truck had hit him. He started to sweat, and felt his heart damn near beat out of his chest. Without a second to process fully and talk himself out of it, he ran upstairs and grabbed a pack to start filling with supplies.

Bow, pistol, El Diablo, shotgun, alcohol, cloth, blanket, food.

It was May, and spring was on its way, but nights were still awfully cool. He wasn't sure what she had packed for herself when she'd left. He knew she wasn't stupid, but her head wasn't exactly in the best spot when she'd run off. To be sure, he grabbed one of her hoodies and some extra supplies in case he found her. There really wasn't a guarantee, but he was damn sure going to try his best.

If he didn't find her in a few days, he'd already decided he wasn't coming back. He'd just be gone without a trace.

Tommy would understand.

When he rounded the corner outside to grab his horse, he noticed some faint tracks remained from her earlier departure. He took off after it immediately.

The sun was trying to come up, just enough to cast a dark purple, pink haze. He hoped the weather would stay dry, but it was hard to tell this time of year. He needed to move his ass if he had any chance of getting her back.

He rode hard, and fast.

Despite his frustration, he knew she wasn't being dramatic. She left without the intention to come back, despite how dangerous it would be. She was being reckless. But, she was determined. It was the worst combination possible for talking any sense into her. He needed to train himself for the conversation they'd need to have to get her back. If he found her, that is...

Fuck.

It was his fault she'd left, anyway. He wasn't even angry with her for what she'd done. That was all driven by him. It didn't make him any less pissed off, though.

"I'm stronger than you."

Ellie's words from earlier continued to run through his mind. As always, she was good at hitting the nail on the head, and he wondered again how she'd come to be the woman he now knew.

A child of fourteen who'd had everything taken from her, forced to endure a long, terrible journey that signified her own coming-of-age, with a bastard of a man who had forgotten what innocence could look like…at first it killed him to be near her.

The way she was doe-eyed when she went outside the zone for the first time, and the mask of courage she wore despite the horror that she encountered with him, were all proof that she was indeed a child. Of course it reminded him of Sarah, but most importantly, and disturbingly, it reminded him that so very few people like her existed…so few people had any good left inside them.

It was like she was a breed soon to be extinct, and Joel mourned the loss. He knew humanity had died in him a long, long time ago.

Ellie provided a display of genuine emotion and interest in him. Joel often felt that if they looked at one another too long, those keen eyes would eventually realize that there was nothing left inside him. The thought terrified him at first, but then what disturbed him further, once their bond was deepened, was that for some reason, once she knew what viciousness he was capable of, she still found his qualities admirable.

Joel did not deserve the faith she held in him, and it baffled him beyond belief, but he knew it stemmed from his dedication to her. Even before she knew about Sarah, Ellie sensed his rather irrational need to keep her safe. It was never because she was cargo. Even when it shouldn't have concerned him, her life had morphed to mean more than his own.

Joel was at least glad that this truth gave her comfort. The part of him that felt affection still existed, and it relieved him to know it still worked effectively.

Despite his best efforts, Ellie had softened Joel into a shadow of his former self. Of course, the old Joel would never return, but the emotion between them had made the softness in his heart irreversible.

With their present situation, Joel wouldn't settle for anything less than to live his life with Ellie much like he would have done in a normal world.

Even before the infection ravaged everything in its path, Joel hadn't been able to live a picture perfect life. Being a single father in the past made things difficult. Although he was rewarded by Sarah's love, and he held no regret, he admitted to himself that all he knew of life was struggle.

Perhaps, here and now, in Jackson, Joel could gain a late start in life the right way: happiness, despite the fact that it would be short-lived. Finally, he might be able to settle down like he always wanted.

Joel stifled the rest of his thoughts as he traveled.

He rode for days. He knew he was going to run out of supplies soon enough. But, he really didn't care. Every now and again he thought he'd pick up on her tracks, only to lose them as he went forward. They didn't make sense. It seemed like she was intentionally trying to lead him confused. And, if she had, then she'd succeeded.

It was so frustrating. He deserved it.

He pushed on like a man who had nothing to lose.

On the 4th night, he felt the wind start to pick up. Lightening cracked through the sky, and what started as a drizzle soon become a downpour.

Fucking great.

He did his best to pick up the pace to look for any shelter he might be able to come across. It wasn't terribly difficult to stumble on a barn or a beaten down farmhouse from time to time. But, with the way his luck had gone, he wasn't terribly sure.

He trudged on for a few more hours, but was chilled to the bone. If he didn't find something soon, he was going to take his chances in the woods. Anything would have been better to get shelter from the storm.

He felt his mind start to cloud. He was freezing and soaked wet. However, there in the distance seemed to be a small, wooden shack. He urged the horse onward. The closer he got, he realized it was an old outhouse. It was better than nothing.

He managed to get himself off the horse and hitch it a wooden post. After some struggle, he was able to force his way into the outhouse. It was tight, but it was dry enough. He sat down with his back against the wall, and felt himself drift...

Ellie? Ellie!

His dreams were chaotic.

"Wake up, asshole."

"Wake UP!"

Joel's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

She was there, shaking the hell out of him.

"Are you trying to die? What the fuck is wrong with you," she spat.

"...huh?" he managed to mumble. His eyes were still foggy.

"Joel," she continued to shake him awake.

"God dammit, Ellie, I'm up, I'm up!" he pulled away, and sat up.

The groggy feeling started to wear off. He realized he was still freezing.

"Joel, you're soaked to the fucking bone," she scolded. Her hands moved toward his shirt.

Finally, he clicked everything into place and pushed her away.

"Where you been, kid?" he scowled.

"I've been following your ass the last day or so. I was waiting for you to turn around and head back home before the rain picked up. Then you ended up here," she spat.

"Why the hell were you followin' me? I'm the one chasin' here because your dumbass ran off," he fired back.

"Fuck you, Joel," she growled. He gritted his teeth.

"I don't blame you for leavin'. But I couldn't just sit back and let it happen."

"You literally let me leave right after out conversation. Are you insane?"

He glared at her, and then looked away. After a long moment, he swallowed hard.

"I shoulda never let you leave," he finally said, shivering. She huffed and rolled her eyes.

"I followed you in here because you looked like you were freezing, and clearly you are. You didn't even take your wet clothes off. Idiot."

"Why'd you come here?" he asked.

She glared at him.

"You looked like you were struggling. We're both freezing."

He frowned.

"That all?" he spat.

"Listen, dude, I fucked up. You fucked up too. Let's not point god damn fingers here."

He scoffed. Then, he took a good look at her.

"You're drenched," he accused.

"How many times are we gonna go through this Joel?!" she snapped.

"You gotta get warmed up," he grunted.

"So do you."

She looked him up and down. Suddenly, he caught on, and scowled.

"Listen, wherever your heads at-"

"This isn't about hormones, Joel. It's about survival. Take your clothes off," she demanded.

"Now-"

"-Joel we're gonna be in rough shape if we're hypothermic. Not everything is about you, old man. C'mon, we gotta save our asses."

Before he could argue, she took her shirt off.

"God dammit," he muttered, and shook his head. He refused to look.

"This isn't gonna do me any good if you aren't helping me. The best way to regenerate body heat is to lay skin to skin with someone else. I know you know this..." she lead in.

"Enough! Enough," he argued.

He was exhausted, and he frozen to the bone. The color in her face was gone, and her lips were as white as a ghost. He hated to know what he looked like. More than anything, he didn't have the energy to argue.

He reached for his bag, and pulled out the blanket. It was damp, but warmer than their clothes. She was trying to remove her pants, and he stopped her.

"Here. Wrap yourself in this, then take the rest off," he urged.

"Are we really arguing about decency right-"

"-Ellie! Please. Just...please."

She looked at him for a while, and finally conceded. She wrapped herself up in the blanket, and then removed the rest of her clothes before sitting them aside.

"Okay, now you-"

"-Turn around," he demanded.

"Really!?"

"Turn around, Ellie!"

"Fuck you, man!" she yelled, but did as she was told.

Joel quickly removed his clothes, then lay fetal position on the outhouse floor. He put his knees as near his chest as he could to maintain some decency.

"All right, you gotta be big spoon," he mumbled.

She spun around and looked at him, in a heap on the floor.

"What the fuck is a big spoon, Joel?!"

"Listen, you're gonna lay down behind me, and you're gonna put the blanket over us, and we're gonna fall asleep warmin' up."

"You're bigger than me, why can't you be the big spoon?" she spat.

"Because I...I..." he struggled, then gestured toward his nether regions.

Ellie cracked a smile.

"Joel, I've seen a cock before. Just not yo-"

"-we're doing it like this, take it or leave it," he grunted, tone final.

"Asshole" she spat, before she finally conceded.

He woke up in a tangled mess of blanket, Ellie's legs, and her hair.

She's a fuckin' dream.

He sighed.

"God damn, Ellie, you should be more careful," Joel choked sadly, and brushed the hair from her face.

She was groggy, but she stretched and finally opened her eyes.

"I could say the same thing to you," she finally replied, voice thick with sleep.

"Baby," he whispered, and shook his head.

He felt warmth growing deep inside himself. He couldn't tell if he was just relaxed or aroused, but either way, he was fearful of whatever physical reaction he might have.

He sighed again, and shifted nervously.

"I ain't never leavin' if I can help it, ya hear? I swear, and that's a promise I can keep."

"Joel, I don't want your pity."

"This ain't pity."

"Why are you throwing all this on me now? This is everything I wanted to hear, but I shouldn't have to leave to get it out of you!" she started to raise her voice, and sat up.

Her small breasts were exposed. He glanced, and then immediately looked away.

"You don't have to look so guilty. I'm a woman, Joel."

"Can you cover up so we can tal-"

"I am not gonna cover up!" she spat.

He glared at her, and gritted his teeth.

She's right.

He thought long and hard. He could feel her gaze glued to him.

"Go ahead and be angry. You got every right to be mad. But come back home…life ain't worth livin' without ya," Joel explained slowly.

She watched him intently, and then he noticed her lip tremble.

"…I've been telling myself that I was never going to see you again. Now here you are and I can't even think of anything to say. I'm such a fucking mess," she finally choked, and tears almost started to fall, but she furiously wiped them away.

Joel stared at her for a moment while she gained her composure, before he pulled her into tight embrace. For a moment he stroked her hair, and her fingers traced the outline of his jaw, but he was troubled by other thoughts, and pulled away.

"Listen, I ain't no ideal man, but I'm gonna do my best to make you happy. It's gonna take a lot of work, but I want us to enjoy the time we have left…" he paused, and Ellie frowned.

"Where are you going with this?"

"Just hear me out. I need you to make a promise to me, and I need you to honor it."

"A promise?" she urged doubtfully.

"There's gonna come a day when I won't be around for you anymore-"

"- Stop-"

"-No, listen. Please. We ain't gonna dwell on that, but I need to know you'll be okay when I'm gone. Promise you'll keep goin' on. No half-assin' it, I need you to keep goin'. Always," he stated firmly.

"This is so fucking morbid Joel," she snarled with a scrunch of her nose.

"It's reality, and it's unavoidable," he replied simply.

"…I'll promise to try. I won't give you anything else."

They stared one another down for a while, and he wasn't quite satisfied with her response, but he knew he would have to settle with it for now.

"All right then… my objections aren't about you, so don't go thinkin' any less of yourself," he muttered.

"Joel…" she started, and almost began to cry again, but took deep breaths.

He eyed her carefully.

"What?" he finally asked, eyes now wide with worry.

"Sorry, I'm just not used to you being so open, you know? It feels good... though," she affirmed with quick nods of her head.

Joel smiled, but it fell after a moment.

"This is gonna take...time," he said slowly.

"I know," she nodded.

"I don't know that you do. I gotta get outta my own head. It's gonna take time," he explained.

"I understand...I do. I just want us to...to try," she added.

He just nodded.

Apparently, his words had surprised her for the better.

Joel sighed, and rubbed his fingers against his temples. After another deep breath washed a wave of calm over him, he turned to look her in the eyes. One of his rough hands brushed against her cheek.

"Don't know how the hell we got here, but I'll be damned if I don't love you," Joel admitted in a shaky voice.

Something in his words lit Ellie's eyes on fire. For a moment he paused, unsure of what her reaction meant. Soon, he realized there was not only a glint of confirmation in her eyes about his affection, but that it was also mixed with lust.

Joel pressed his brow against hers for a moment, before he planted a gentle kiss upon her forehead. Then, before he allowed himself to pause again, his thumb moved across her lip, and a shudder rippled through him. All at once, their lips finally met.

He felt his breath leave his body. Her mouth was hot against his, and her hands were fiercely in his hair, and he just...he felt so alive. Finally, he pulled back, and took a deep breath. She smiled, and laughed softly.

"…We need to head back home," she finally said.

Joel laughed with a certain sense of pride at her practicality, and nodded.