Chapter 12: Everybody's Changing***
2040
For the first time in his life, Joel was content: blissfully, stupidly content.
But, time confused Joel more than he wanted to admit. So much joy and normalcy had occurred in the past two years (seven years to be exact, but five of those were formative) with Ellie. But, occasionally the numb emotions of the past would eat at him.
He was convinced by now that these episodes of darkness were something to be endured no matter how much time passed. Even though they were painful, they were often short. Usually they happened once or twice a year, but the onset of the emotions never failed to frighten him. In turn, he would shut down like he was accustomed to for so many years.
Sometimes, the memories of his struggles would eat away at him: he would feel responsibility all over again for Vera's suicide, the death of Sarah and Tess, or Ellie's traumatic winter experiences. The memories forced out the tormented, quiet, brooding self that he used to know all those years ago.
When his memories haunted him, it wasn't evident to everyone. Tommy and Maria were their constant companions, and but even then they couldn't tell when Joel was in one of his "moods".
Ellie, of course, would always pick up on the subtle nuances in his behavior. The wrinkles under his eyes would suddenly age him, although he seemed to have grown younger in Jackson. He would stir a little more in his sleep at night, during conversation he'd grow distant, and he tended to drink more than usual.
On this occasion, however, Joel wasn't quite sure what triggered his darkness. Usually the episodes tended to strike around the change of the seasons, with one always right before winter.
But, as he sat in the kitchen with a half drank bottle of whiskey, he realized it was the middle of summer. Joel frowned for a moment to himself, before he took a long swig, and stared out the window. As he enjoyed the darkness outside and solitude, he heard a faint sound behind him, and spun around quickly.
Ellie stood in the doorframe, arms crossed with a raised eyebrow. He smiled awkwardly before he glued his eyes to the floor. She walked toward him slowly, and he wrapped his arms around her midsection, nuzzling his head into her abdomen.
"Am I bein' scolded?" he asked in an attempt to be playful, though he knew she would see through his façade.
"No, but it's two in the morning and I got curious when I heard you get out of bed," she almost chuckled, but maintained an air of seriousness that made Joel uneasy.
Hmmf.
"That was 'bout an hour ago," Joel mumbled, and finally let go of her waist before he had the courage to look her in the eyes.
"Figured I'd let you sort your emotions out before I came to pry," she said suggestively.
"There ain't nothing to sort," he grumbled.
"Yeah, but usually I know when to expect it. Do you have any clue what prompted it this time?" she asked, eyes wide.
"…Ellie," he groaned, brow furrowed.
"Joel," she scolded in response, and he almost smiled. She always had a backbone, but it had become more evident lately, which humored him.
"Hell, I don't know. Maybe insomnia or something," he said with a shrug.
"Well, are you gonna be awake enough to celebrate Emily's birthday today?" she pressed, and Joel actually smiled.
He just rolled his eyes, dumbfounded that she would question him.
Tommy and Maria had finally gotten a little miracle a year ago. At first, Joel was reluctant to get too close, as the baby reminded him too much of his experiences with Sarah as an infant, but once he held that little girl in his arms his reluctance disappeared.
I am such a god-damned sap.
Joel hadn't been the only one who was enchanted with the little girl, and he was surprised to see that Ellie had developed such an intense attachment.
"Just checking…sometimes you get a little cranky when you're sleepy, old man," she chided softly.
"What, this old man ain't enough for you any more?" he chided, almost defensive.
She snickered.
"Come back to bed," she replied, and much to her surprise, he listened.
(Later That Day…)
As the whole family celebrated Emily's first birthday in the backyard, Joel sat on a wooden picnic table and watched the scene unfold, like a ghost.
Tommy, Maria, and Ellie were all spread across the yard. Tommy was chatting mercilessly, while Maria and a close friend embraced each other near the grill. The aura of the scene was calm and loving, but Joel felt troubled, like something inside him bubbled under the surface…like there was a feeling of remorse, though he wasn't sure why he felt guilty.
His eye's were glued to Ellie.
She sat under a large oak tree with Emily in her lap: he watched as she bounced her, and her little, rosy-cheeked face looked to Ellie with the sort of unyielding love that made him weak. Then she kissed the baby on the cheek, and received a giggle in response.
"-Joel, you listen to any damn thing I just said?" Tommy interrupted, and Joel swallowed hard as he tore his eyes from the sight.
"… what?" he asked, and his brother frowned.
"I can't tell if you're lookin' at my girl or yours," Tommy joked, now focused on Joel's distraction.
"Ellie ain't my girl, for one. And yes, I was adoring my niece, little brother," Joel replied with a scowl.
Joel and Ellie's relationship had never been explicitly stated out loud to the community, because he felt it was no one's business. That being said, Tommy and Maria were both a little confused as to why Ellie had never left his side, but even they did not assume that the relationship had progressed to what it now was. Not that they would mind, their opinions weren't vital, but it was sure to cause a little drama at first if they found out.
Joel ultimately just wanted to avoid that conversation as long as possible.
"Well thank you, because she's the damn cutest thing to ever come outta me," Tommy said, and it actually garnered a laugh.
"Never heard a truer statement," Joel agreed, and felt a little relief that his brother had taken the bait to change the subject.
"You know, Ellie's really matured into a fine young woman," he continued, now serious.
Joel almost blushed out of pride, because he agreed.
"Damn fine young woman. I don't know how she maintains it with all she's seen. Hell of a better person than I am," Joel gushed, and Tommy's eyes widened as he nodded.
"Are we gettin' soft in our old age, big brother?" he accused, and Joel pushed his shoulder playfully.
"You sayin' I got soft?" he asked.
"No, I'm just watching you gush over Ellie. Why is it she keeps puttin' up with you, anyway?" he continued to joke, but Joel sensed it was also an attempt to pull information out.
Nice try, shithead.
"I wish I knew…" Joel sighed with a shrug, as he realized he spoke truthfully. Suddenly, he got quiet again as his eyes locked with Ellie's across the yard. Ellie smiled in return with Emily in arms, and walked toward them.
"Ellie, you look good with a child on your hip," Tommy praised, and Joel instantly felt his face flush.
What in the hell kind of comment is that?
Ellie flashed him a quick glare of disapproval to get him to calm down, which worked, before she continued her conversation with Tommy.
"Do I really?" Ellie laughed as she played along, but there was something in her eyes that seemed to brighten from his compliment.
"You sure do. Hell, Joel and I were just talking about how you've become a respectable young woman. You plan on settlin' down anytime with one of the boys here in town?" Tommy asked, in a way that was only kind, but it almost sent Joel over the edge.
If there was anything he hated, it was someone who was pushy, and he didn't know how else to feel about his brother's comments. Couples in town continued to have children, though most of the population was aging. It seemed lately that Tommy was looking to the next generation to continue on the Jackson legacy.
It was not necessarily a selfish desire, as Tommy simply enjoyed the pleasure of others, but Joel was infuriated that he had the gall to initiate this conversation with a young woman who was damn near his own family.
Perhaps, under the surface, Joel was concerned that Ellie might take the comments to heart…and might try to use biology to her advantage. The topic of her as a mother was not something Joel had ever considered. However, it made sense to him now that he had seemed so uncomfortable as he watched her play with Emily.
You can't give her a child…even if that's what she wants…even if that's what she'll need.
Of course, Joel was physically capable of making a child with Ellie. But emotionally, it would ruin him.
He refused to be a father again, especially with Ellie's child; not only did he feel too old… and not only would it cause an uproar of confusion in the community… but mostly, he felt like it was a complete disgrace to Sarah's memory.
What, you're just gonna up and restart every aspect of your whole life here? No. This is where my comfort level ends, dammit.
But, Ellie had never stated the desire to be a mother. Maybe it was an overreaction. Or, maybe she was too scared to bring it to his attention. He genuinely didn't want to find out.
Joel could feel his selfishness grow in the moment, and recognized it was wrong. But, he also knew if he could find a way to manipulate this situation, he would do it in a heartbeat. As his panic rose, Ellie swallowed and prepared to speak again.
"…You mean, like have kids of my own?" she questioned.
Joel clenched his jaw as he searched her face to understand what was running through her mind. He couldn't read it.
"It's what most normal people do, Ellie. It sure is gratifying…I've never felt more complete in my life," Tommy gushed, and reached out to take Emily.
"The hell is normal, anyway, Tommy?" Joel finally spoke up, in a growl.
"Jeez, calm down," Ellie whispered with a glare, but it went unnoticed by Tommy, as he was adjusting Emily in his lap.
"You're just too scared to let go of her. Ellie, you can speak up for yourself, do you want kids someday?" he urged, smile on his face, and Joel wanted to rip it off.
"…I mean, sure…" she admitted, after a sigh.
Joel felt rage color his features, and after a moment he finally released the breath he'd been holding. He knew she hadn't agreed just to satisfy Tommy's curiosity. No, she had fearfully spoken truth for the first time, and she had dreaded Joel's response all along.
As panic and ire consumed him, Joel stood up.
"Uh, I ain't feelin' too hot, Ellie," he almost yelled, and everyone stopped to look at him.
"Then I guess you should walk home," she suggested, now annoyed.
"Ellie, I was hopin' you might go with me," he spat slowly.
"You guys leaving so soon? Dad's taking Emily for the night, I thought you all might stay for the 'adults only' bash," Maria spoke up, and began to walk toward them.
I am losing my goddamn patience.
"Stomach's just a little unsettled," he mumbled, which was not fully a lie, and began to walk away as Ellie trudged behind him.
"Thanks for a great party, guys," Ellie said softly.
The tension between them was thick as they walked home in silence. Ellie's light footsteps behind him abruptly reminded him of their cross-country trip, and he huffed bitterly. Upon entry into the house, Ellie slammed the door, and Joel whipped around to look at her.
"All right asshole, what's the problem?" she accused, and Joel had to sit down.
"I wanna ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly," he warned, and she stood in front of him, arms crossed.
"Is this about Tommy's questions?" she asked.
"Yes, it's got everything to do with that," he almost yelled.
"Joel, I said I want kids someday," she stated, eyes wide.
"Did you mean with me? Because you know I can't do that. It's why we've been so damn careful."
"I know you won't, but that doesn't mean I don't want them. You know, you really shouldn't listen in if you're gonna get pissed at my responses. He was talking to me, not you. I was being honest."
His heart broke, but it only made him more angry. She'd been keeping this from him all along. Probably for the best, but it still bothered him.
How long you felt this way?
"This is exactly what I meant when I told you a long time ago that I can't give you what someone younger can. We can never, ever have a child. Okay?" he tried to explain, but his anger turned into sorrow quickly.
"Okay," she nodded in full agreement, and he felt his heart break.
"…Why don't..." he started, and stopped mid-thought.
She eyed him.
"Huh?"
"Nothing," he huffed.
She read through his lie immediately.
"Why don't I what, Joel? You keeping secrets now?"
"You gotta lotta nerve after that conversation back there," he spat back.
"Bullshit!"
He swallowed hard, and finally looked at her carefully.
"You...you could try with someone else," he suggested.
"Dude..."
"I won't be angry with you," he suggested with desperation.
It broke her heart to see that he meant it.
He'd already done all this before. She would be able to do it as well, just on her own terms. He wouldn't blame her if she really wanted it. Hell, he'd help her and raise the kid as his own. He stupidly felt that somehow, it defended Sarah's honor in some way if it wasn't biologically his own.
"Are you trying to whore me out so I can have a kid? This really isn't a big deal; I don't know why you're so upset! I... I don't want one right now. Jesus christ," she said, very confused.
"It isn't now, but it's gonna be a big deal when I'm gone, and you're still childless at thirty-five. Or, if you start to realize how you want one before I'm gone. You'll resent me, and rightfully so. If you don't already," he explained, and looked helpless with a shrug.
"I know what I signed up for, Joel. I haven't sacrificed anything, and I won't feel that way. Honest, you don't have to feel like I'm pressuring you," she explained, and he nodded.
"I just feel…guilty. Like I'm taking somethin' away from you."
"I would rather have you than a child, Joel," she admitted, selflessly.
The selfishness of his resolution seemed to stab at him, as usual.
"You shouldn't have to make a decision like that," he finally said, and shook his head.
"Well, then give in to me," she suggested, more for the effect of reverse psychology. He frowned, and swallowed hard.
"You know I can't do that, baby."
They were very, very careful. He knew her cycle like the back of his hand. Some of it was old school, but between pull out, rhythm, and his ever declining sperm count, it was enough. They'd been sexually active for a few years, and had yet to have a scare. Even if he wanted to give her a child, he wasn't sure he'd even be able to at this point in this life. It gave him peace of mind.
"Let's stop talking about it. You were the one who got all bent out of shape about this, Joel, it wasn't me insinuating anything this time."
"... I got outta line back there. I panicked, I mean, who the hell is Tommy to ask something like that anyway?" he brought it up, and almost got angry again.
"Joel, relax. Let's just stay here for a while and head back to Tommy's later. I'm always game for a good buzz, and we don't want them to think you're angry at them," she stated, and after a moment of consideration he nodded.
(The Next Day)
Joel shifted uncomfortably in bed, and squinted from the headache that throbbed at his temples.
Shit.
Last night the drinking had gotten out of hand, but no one dared judge. For one, Joel was glad to have his minor issue with Ellie out of the way, and was willing to get back to happiness.
Tommy and Maria had endured the most sleepless, stressful year of their lives, so they were more than willing to take a quick break from Emily.
Joel always found drinking with Ellie to be fun, though it was probably because it was still new to him. She had turned twenty-one recently, so he no longer shunned her habit, and decided to participate with her. Of course, there wasn't a legal drinking age, but he felt there was a newfound maturity.
Almost on queue, Joel stretched his hand across the bed, and noticed that Ellie's presence was not there. Slowly, with a groan, he raised himself up and set off to find her.
When he came down the steps, he found her hunched over the kitchen sink guzzling water. He chuckled, and slapped her on her rear as he approached.
"How you feelin'?" he chided sarcastically.
She moaned in response.
"You look like hell, for what it's worth," she replied.
"I'm old, that's got somethin' to do with it," he growled, and playfully nipped at her neck from behind. She giggled, and turned to throw her arms around him.
He grinned.
"You got plans today?" she prompted. He sighed, and nodded.
"Gonna go huntin'. Help us start stocking up for the season," he mumbled, and rubbed his hand along his jawline.
"Care for some company?" she prompted.
He grinned again.
"I could use some company."