Chapter 13: Darkness Falls***
The day was sweltering and humid. The air felt so sticky it hurt to breathe deeply. Most summer days were manageable here, but this one was different.
Hunting hadn't quite gone to plan. Ellie was deadly with a bow, and she'd managed to nail a few rabbits and squirrels, but there wasn't much else. Joel was on the lookout for some whitetail, but had only stumbled upon a few small does. He just didn't have the heart to kill something's mother.
They trekked on, in the hope some large beast would stumble in their path.
Joel loved days like this with her. It reminded him most of their first year together. There was something to be said about how competent she now looked as a huntress. She was a hell of a shot, even better than him where the bow was concerned. Out there, she was fully in her element. It was...attractive.
His jeans were sticking to him like glue from the sweat. The buttons on his shirt kept coming off one by one the longer they hiked. He hated humidity. It was one thing he didn't miss about Texas.
Her plum tank top was nearly black from perspiration. He watched her like a hawk. The heat was getting to her, but she'd resist him if he stopped them for her sake.
Stubborn little thing.
"We oughta take a break here soon," he finally said, as her bow cut through another squirrel.
"Good. I'm getting a little woozy," she muttered.
"C'mon, let's get you some water."
They finally plopped down on a soft, green patch under a tree. The shade was wonderful. She reached for her water bottle and let some run down her chest.
"Fuck, that's nice," she cooed.
"Mhmm," he agreed, eyes fixated on her bosom. She rolled her eyes.
"Calm down, horn dog. It's a million degrees out here. Fuck," she griped.
"I ain't one for heat either."
He searched his bag for water and snacks. They had some leftover jerky from last season. He remembered several hunting trips from that year with Tommy and a few others in the community. He was more of a one man show, but in order to contribute he did his best to play along with the group when necessary.
"Got us a big ol' ten pointer last year. He was just around the corner there. Tommy talked so damn much we almost missed it," he remarked. Ellie watched him intently as he recalled.
"Ah, yes, the social Miller brother and the...antisocial."
Joel huffed, and drank from his water bottle. Ellie groaned softly and laid down. He eyed her carefully, but said nothing.
"Did you hunt a lot as a kid?" she prompted.
"A little. Dad took us a few times. Didn't enjoy it much," he recalled.
"Why not?"
"Tommy and I were either bitchin' at each other, or Dad was too drunk to keep his rifle steady."
"Guess you didn't eat much, then."
"Eh, things were different. Grocery stores. You didn't have to work to eat. Food was everywhere."
"I can't imagine..." she trailed.
He continued to nibble the jerky in his pack. He figured they'd start to head back home once she was rested up enough to move on. There would still be enough sunlight for him to work in the garden for a bit before they turned in for the night. He loved the self-sufficiency of Jackson. Though Joel wasn't known for having friends, he was known for being dependable. When he noticed a family was struggling, it wasn't uncommon for him to drop some produce or meat anonymously. He didn't want praise or attention, but he had developed a reputation as a decent man.
The first few years in Jackson were filled with mistrust and disdain against Tommy's newly discovered brother. They'd all heard the stories. Most people didn't know how to socialize with him, or they expected him to up and leave the moment it suited him. But...slowly, they watched him thrive. At this point, he commanded a quiet respect. He liked it that way. But, he'd rather people didn't have an opinion about him at all.
He remembered Ellie damn near getting into a fight with one of the boys the first few weeks they'd come back. Apparently he'd made some shithead comment that set her off. She'd beaten the poor bastard good. No one messed with her after that one. But, they'd certainly looked to Joel with frustration over his lack of control in regard to her behavior. He'd promptly told them to mind their own business.
"What was that kid's name? The one you beat the piss out of as soon as we got back to Jackson?" he reminisced, and smiled to himself.
"Huh?" she mumbled.
"When you almost got us kicked out for fighting. They held a town meeting and everything," he chuckled, and turned to look at her.
She'd lost all the color in her face.
"Ellie?" he sat erect. She blinked slowly, and swallowed hard.
"I'm fine," she mumbled.
"Lookin' pretty green..." he remarked, and frowned.
"I'm a little nauseous. It'll pass," she took some deep breathes.
"Drink, you're dehydrated," he grabbed her water bottle and sat it closer to her.
She shook her head.
"Just gimme a minute," she waved him off.
He grabbed a piece of cloth from his bag and wet it, before putting it over her forehead.
"Just keep breathin'...that's it," he felt the worry color his face.
"...Sorry," she finally mumbled.
"S'okay. Don't be," he soothed.
After resting up for about an hour, they started the slow trek back home. He took things easier than he normally would for her sake. There was something inherently missing from her eyes. It was clear to him that she was struggling, but refused to let on. He offered to ride together on one horse, so he could lead and she could rest, but she refused. To compromise, he kept her ahead of him so he could keep an eye out. About half way home, he watched her slump to one side, before she toppled off.
"Ellie!"
He jumped off the horse and took a good look at her. Her hair was matted to one side, and she'd been sweating profusely. The rosy color in her cheeks was long gone. Her eyes fluttered, but she was waking up.
"Shit," she moaned. She tried to sit up, but he shook his head.
"Take it easy," he cautioned, brow furrowed in worry.
He turned to get up and grab his canteen. As he searched his backpack, he heard a gurgled sound, and when he glanced back over he saw her retching.
Shit.
He strode toward her again. She glared at him, and put her hand up for him to stop.
"Just...just give me a second. My stomach's doing cartwheels," she struggled to explain.
He huffed, and walked toward her anyway, in total disregard of her ask. He sat down by her side, and fidgeted for a moment. He wasn't just gonna leave her there. His jaw was clenched. She could feel him glaring at her in worry. Some color came back to her face, but he realized it was from embarrassment. Before he could assure her not to be self-conscious, another wave of nausea hit her, and she doubled over again. He started to rub tiny circles along her back.
"You don't have to do that," she mumbled.
"Stop," he chided, and continued to try and rub the discomfort away.
Apparently, it was working. A tiny, uncomfortable smile teased at her lips.
"Ugh, I'm sorry. I feel like an idiot."
"Shhh, we're okay," he reassured. The warmth resonated in his chest.
"We all had a little too much to drink. Me especially," she shook her head.
He chuckled.
"Ain't the first or the last. I shoulda known better than to bring you out here. Hottest day of the year, and you're already dehydrated."
She nodded, and looked down at her hands. He eyed her carefully, but she couldn't meet his gaze.
"Baby, it's okay..." he prompted, and lifted her chin to make eye contact.
She smiled slightly, and turned away.
"Get me home, Joel."
They managed to make it back that night without complication.
But, the incident in itself continued for some weeks. He couldn't tell if she was just sensitive to the heat, or if she was sick. Granted, it was the hottest summer he'd seen since he and Tommy spent time in the bayou after the world had gone to shit. It was possible she just wasn't accustomed.
Normally, she was an equal counterpart working in the yard or tending to the animals. But, given her aversion to heat, he'd told her to take it easy and let him pick up the slack. Then, he started to realize that she wasn't quite herself. Sometimes she would avoid him when he came in for the night. Sure, they talked, but it's like she was elsewhere during the conversation.
It bothered him, deeply. She hadn't been this way since that...that terrible winter. Then again, he was prone to foul spells, so he thought it was hypocritical of him to chastise her if that was the case. More than anything, he hoped he could give her some space and let her work out whatever it was she was struggling over. Maybe he didn't want to know. Perhaps she'd finally come to understand that they really weren't as compatible as she'd hoped.
He thought they were happy. It tore him apart to know she might start to feel differently. But, he was terrified to confront her about it. Maybe he wasn't ready to be kicked to the curb so soon. But, he couldn't blame her. Hell, he knew she might come to her senses eventually.
On Monday's, she worked with Maria. It was something they'd done since she'd been an adult. They'd make list of repairs needed in the settlement, and the two of them would lead whatever projects were required. After the 2nd month of their new distance, he started to wonder if maybe he'd taken her for granted. Some years ago, he used to drop lunch off for the both of them before the Monday projects began. That was about the extent of his romantic tendancies.
But, as the newness of their romance faded, he'd stopped the practice. In an attempt to show her he was trying, he'd packed a lunch and made his way toward Maria's office.
"Hey, stranger!" Maria called from her desk.
Joel smiled politely, an uncharacteristic response. He could tell she immediately noticed. After a moment of pause, he shifted uncomfortably.
"So...uh, how are things?" he tried.
She snickered.
"What can I do for you?" she prompted.
He lifted the lunch bag
"Uh, figured I'd drop off lunch like I used to..." he nearly grimaced from discomfort.
Then, he realized, Ellie was nowhere to be found. It felt like a punch to the stomach. Maria all but watched the thoughts spread across his face.
"She went home sick. I hope she starts to feel better," she opened.
Joel tried his best not to look disappointed and confused, but it was futile. He sighed.
"Well, you get some extra then," he offered, and sat it down.
"Joel, are you oka-"
"-I'm good. I'll see ya," he nodded, and walked out.
She didn't come home for a while. He just sat there in his arm chair, knots twisted in his stomach. She clearly lied about her whereabouts. It was something he'd never seen from her before.
Probably leavin' your sorry ass.
He was going to wait for her to get home, and offer her freedom. No point in beating around the bush. He'd quietly leave, if she wanted, and he wouldn't bother her again. He tapped his finger nervously. Things were going just too god damn good. Naturally, it was destined for failure.
When the door opened, some hours later, she found him sitting in the dark.
For a moment, she almost didn't notice him, and then she jumped out of her skin.
"Joel! Shit. What are you doing? You scared the hell outta me," she prompted.
"Where ya been, Ellie?" he started.
She was confused, and unable to read him.
"It's Monday," she remarked.
"And?"
"I work with Maria-"
"-I dropped off lunch today. Said you'd gone home sick," he accused with a glare. His arms were crossed over his chest like he was trying desperately to hold himself together.
She felt herself start to sweat. He could read the nervousness build inside her. It made his skin crawl. He was almost in complete disbelief.
I can't believe this is how it's happening. Least you got some good years, Miller...
"I was sick. I...I left sick. I just...I didn't come here. I...I didn't know exactly where to go," she sputtered.
"Why are you avoidin' me?" he spat, and felt himself grow hot with frustration.
She took a deep breath.
"Joel, I'm..." she struggled.
"Listen, if you want me gone, I'm gone. That's all you gotta say. You coulda been honest. You woulda saved yourself some time," he explained, and felt his voice crack.
She frowned, but suddenly she was confused. She raised her eyebrows, and suddenly sat down, before she put her head in her hands.
"Joel, no. You've literally completely misunderstood. I love you...I-"
"-don't pity me. It's okay. We can talk this through-"
"-Joel I don't know what you think is going on, but whatever it is, you're totally off base," she struggled to explain, and suddenly her lip started to quiver.
His eyes went wide, but he was lost.
"Baby...don't cry," he finally mumbled.
He watched her all but fall apart on the couch. He'd never seen this kind of response from her before. There were tears, and snot, and red puffy streaks all over her face. He finally got up out of his arm chair and stood in the corner for a moment, before he started pacing the living room.
"Whatever it is...you can tell me," he finally started.
He wasn't sure if he was really ready for whatever she wanted to say, but he meant it. Anything was better than being kept in the dark.
She continued to sob.
He felt his world crumble.
"I'm an old man, I don't blame ya. Just stop cryin-"
"-my period is late. It's 2 months late. And I thought it was just a fluke, but then I started puking, and my boobs are killing me, and I can't stop crying and I just..." she lost it again, and started to sob harder than before.
Joel felt his lips go white.
2040 (continued)
The past two months had revamped in Joel the sort of irate, bitter hatred that could only be compared to his first few months without Sarah. Only now, there was more resentment in his heart against the world and himself.
It was no shock to him that he had yet again completely distanced himself from Ellie. He wasn't rude to her, in fact, he hadn't allowed himself enough socialization to even come close. He was afraid if he let her in, he would hurt her beyond belief. He didn't want to hurt her, but he also didn't know how to prevent it.
How could she do this to me?
Joel knew it was wrong to blame her, hell, it was his seed inside her, but it still did not remove the fact that he felt that way. He needed more time to comprehend all this mess. If this child was born, it would bring his own end, and his conscience wouldn't be able to take the weight of muddling his Sarah's memory.
I...cannot take the burden for the blood of another child on my hands.
Sarah...my Sarah...
"I'm gonna want to tell the doctor in town soon..." she nervously prompted him from the door one day. He'd all but locked himself in her old room. It was the only safe space he could imagine to properly process the situation.
"We'll get ahold of him," he mumbled, and nodded absently.
"I know this isn't ideal-"
"-He's gonna wonder who the father is, and even that confidentiality ain't gonna hold up in town once you start showin'," Joel explained further.
A little bump had formed by her womb. She was probably around 3-4 months along. But, to the untrained eye, everything was the same.
Ellie did not reply, but the look on her face finally expressed full understanding of the difficulties, and further broke her spirit.
"This whole thing causes more problems than it's worth, and this is exactly why I didn't want this to happen," he almost yelled, and threw his hands in the air.
"You're right," she agreed dangerously, almost like she tried to get a response from him.
"We're just gonna have to play this whole damn thing by ear," he stated.
"I know..." she nodded.
He felt himself snap inside.
"I told you...I told you that this couldn't happen, but here we are," he shrugged.
"Are you insinuating that I did this on purpose? That I trapped you so I could get something in return?" she accused.
"...No, but it still stings."
"How could you think so little of me?" she demanded, but he looked away, not able to take it.
"This is gonna be the hardest thing you and I have done as a unit, so we're gonna need to pull it together. In time, I'm sure we'll figure some things out," he replied to blow off her angry response.
She deserves to be angry, but so do I...
For the first time in years, Joel stared into Ellie's eyes and wasn't aware of the person who looked back at him. Both of them had suddenly grown unknown to one another, and he hoped desperately that this event would not drive either of them apart, or worse. They stared at each other for a long time, before Ellie walked into their room to go to sleep.
Joel then trudged downstairs to sleep on the couch.
What have we done?