Chapter 14: A Time For Goodbye***
2040
Joel stared at an empty whiskey bottle in front of him with bloodshot eyes, before he slammed the glass on the floor. Slowly, he staggered to his backpack across from him in the tiny room. He drew out yet another full bottle, and plopped down again on the floor.
Alcohol soothed at least some of his bitterness.
In this old abandoned guard tower, near the back of the Jackson settlement, he'd found solace for the past few weeks, and he silently thanked Tommy in his mind for being so damn ambitious: a few years back, he and a group of men had improved their defenses, and with it included new watch towers in the occasion Hunters fell upon them. All the other wood from old towers were salvaged for supplies, but this one remained.
The only reason this old shack was spared, was because some of the kids in town had begged Tommy to let them keep it as a tree house, just like the old days.
With a furrowed brow, Joel laughed to himself at his own childish behavior: here he was again at night, as he continued to run from his problems, just like a kid.
This night, however, was different...
It was his birthday.
Fifty-five was especially uneventful, and although he never liked the idea of aging, he felt himself struggle with it the most this year, as it was juxtaposed to the new life that continued to grow inside his companion, if he was even allowed to call her that anymore. The title of housemate seemed more appropriate, as neither of them had made any effort to talk to one another.
Ellie may have been about four months along, but to the untrained eye the child that grew from her womb was not evident. Yet.
All hell was sure to break loose for him yet again once the change became obvious, because all the town people could be counted on to be just as nosy, if not more so, than his own brother. Surely, they would want to know how a girl who had never been courted, a girl who had never even shown interest in a young man from the community, suddenly became pregnant.
The mere thought alone forced him to scowl.
In fact, the new life that he continued to avoid, caused him to think long and hard about the young life that was senselessly taken away thirty years ago. Joel refused to contemplate the issue any further, however, at least for the night, because ever since the outbreak, this night was always dedicated to Sarah's memory. Almost instinctively, he looked down to the broken watch on his wrist, and gripped it in the hope that it could offer him some sort of strength that did not reside in himself.
For some reason, a certain memory came to his inebriated mind about her, when she was six...
As a young man, he knew that someday Sarah would inquire about her lack of a mother, and for years he contemplated how he would go about answering her question as honestly as could, without sharing any dark details. One particular morning, she had trotted downstairs for breakfast with her usual optimism, and he heard her plop down at the kitchen table while he cooked breakfast.
"Mornin' sleepyhead," he said, with his back to her, as he prepared to scramble eggs with a whisk in hand.
"Whatcha fixin'?" she inquired, and her little country accent put a smile on his face.
"Our favorite: scrambled eggs and bacon. Gonna make sure you grow up strong as an ox," he replied.
"Dad, that's your favorite, it ain't really mine..." she hinted, and Joel turned around, almost taken aback and ever so slightly hurt that they no longer shared that similarity.
"Well, this is the first I'm hearin' of it. Go on now, tell me what your favorite is and maybe we can work something out," he urged.
Ever since she had started kindergarten, she had seemed to mature more quickly than he had anticipated, and the idea made his heart break. Ain't too long and she might out grow me...
"Well, Kennedy, at school, says her Mom always makes pancakes in the mornin'," she began seriously.
"Honey, I hate to break it to ya but I don't know much about pancakes," he explained gently, and was lost in his thoughts.
"Why not?" she asked, brow furrowed much like his own, and he smiled sheepishly at her.
"Uh, it ain't really man food..." he tried to explain.
"Can you not make pancakes because you don't have a woman here to teach you?" she questioned. Joel frowned, unsure of where she was headed with her questions.
"Well, no, it's just that me and Uncle Tommy grew up on this stuff. I guess I never really learned how to make em'," he admitted.
"Maybe you can ask Kennedy's mom how she does it," she suggested, and her innocence killed him inside. Dammit, this is the moment where I feel insignificant to her because I can't be her mother too...and there are plenty more of these to come in the future.
"Maybe we'll work somethin' out. Who is Kennedy, anyway? This is the first I heard of her too," he replied, now genuinely curious.
"She's my best friend," she replied sweetly, in a matter-of-fact tone, and the knife went further into his heart.
"...I thought..." he almost whispered, at a complete loss, and then swallowed when he realized how pathetic he sounded.
I thought I was her best friend...at least for a couple more years. Ain't this supposed to happen when she's thirteen, not six?
"Dad, it's okay, I can have more than one best friend. You're still my best friend, cause' your my Dad too," she tried to explain once she saw the hurt on his face.
"Well, that's good to hear. I don't want you to up and forget all them tea parties we had..." he suggested in an attempt at humor to save his ego.
"You and I have fun and all, but...I mean, why don't I have a mom to do that stuff with? Isn't that what usually happens?" she asked, and Joel felt his face go pale.
"Yeah, sometimes. But Dad's can do tea parties too, ain't nothing wrong with it," he explained gently.
"Why don't...I...have a mom?" she asked, with a very confused expression on your face.
"Sweetheart you have a mom; everyone has a mom," he said, and walked toward her at the table before knelt before her.
"But, where's mine? I've never seen her. There ain't even pictures," she tried to justify, and he swallowed hard again.
"Uh, your mother...she...she passed away a very long time ago," he stated very slowly, and watched her face to understand her reaction.
Please don't ask how, I don't wanna have to lie to you.
"Oh, well, that's sad," she simply replied, eyes darted away.
"Hey, look at me. It is sad; and you can cry, if you want," he tried to comfort, but she just shook her head.
"Is it okay if I don't miss someone who was never here?" she questioned, and he yet again felt like the air had been ripped from his lungs.
"Yeah, Sarah, honey, it's...it's okay," he reassured her.
"You know, I kinda like it just you and me," she added after a moment, with a small smile on her face, and he beamed.
"I like it too, baby girl. Wouldn't have it any other way," he replied, and pulled her into a hug.
Even the thought of her sweet memory alone was enough to melt some of the ice that had frosted his heart.
It was one of the fondest memories he had of them together, and it seemed to sum up her personality. No matter what, even as a child, she was always well beyond her years, and she always held his best interest at heart. Sarah noticed every subtle nuance in his behavior, and their bond only deepened as she grew older and became more in tune.
In time, she grew out of the tea parties little girls are forcefully socialized into, and she became the independent tom-boy that made him proud to be her father. No matter what, his main goal raising Sarah was to always make sure she was capable of being her own person. In fact, he had always wanted her to be stronger than him.
Perhaps, he had hoped that by her being so tough, she could save herself from disappointment.
His worst fear took physical form, however, when he realized that he was the source for letting her down. He himself became the ultimate disappointment, because he could not prevent her death. All those years of hard work, love, and sacrifice, meant nothing in the split second that solider pulled the trigger, and ended her spirit forever, like it had never meant a damn thing.
It's all my fault.
For the first time in years, Joel wept openly in the comfort of his own solitude.
He wept for the world and for becoming a monster.
He felt that his actions the past few weeks had confirmed he was a stain on humanity, especially when he realized he hadn't cared about Ellie's feelings. Like always, he had placed his needs and emotional distress above everyone else; although he knew it was wrong, it still terrified him to think of his unborn child.
Yes, in good time he wanted to love the child...and knew that he probably would, given time before the birth for his own shock to wear off, but something about that acceptance seemed wrong. Joel was aware he was indeed forcing himself to be miserable, as illogical as it seemed.
A stubborn part of him refused with ferocity to accept things the way they were happening, much like when a child threw a tantrum. There was something missing, like a door needed to be closed somewhere else in time. For him to feel satisfied enough to move on to the future completely, without the bitter taste of the past on his tongue.
He simply wasn't ready.
"You're an asshole," a voice beckoned, and Joel sat upright, completely startled.
"Who's there?" he demanded pitifully, but his words slurred more than he anticipated.
"You need to get yourself together. I really can't believe you've done this much harm to yourself and that girl..." the voice said in absolute disappointment, but a bit louder for him to decipher who it was, and the mere sound alone forced him to sober immediately.
"...Sarah?!" he screamed, full of panic, shock, but mostly desperation.
"You're a mess," it hissed, but Joel felt the air of her breath on his shoulder.
Suddenly, he turned, and there she was: the same little girl, dressed in the same pajamas that he had buried her in, full of life. Joel clasped his hand to his mouth to muddle the loud, agonized whimper that forced itself out, and began to shake uncontrollably.
"No, no, baby girl, please, you're long gone," he wept quietly, and placed his hands over his face to refuse to look at her any longer.
"Dad, stop. Isn't this what you wanted? Didn't you wanna see me?" she pressed, more softly, and placed her hands to his face much like he had done for her all those years ago.
He grabbed her tightly and then held her, before he began to rock back and forth. Never had he been more sure he was on the verge of a mental breakdown; he had never hallucinated like this before, and the idea tormented him that she would eventually disappear.
Again.
"Don't you leave me yet, please, God, just please don't go yet. Warn me first, okay? You have to warn me first. I swear I won't be able to take it if you leave me without saying goodbye again," he choked, and suddenly pulled back to look her in the eyes, and was slightly relieved that she nodded.
"...it's awful funny you mention God...you know, I've been watchin' you all these years, and you haven't seemed to be a God-fearin' man," she accused after a moment, and he swallowed hard.
"Sarah, baby, you're right. I have done terrible things without you," he admitted, nodded furiously, and began to cry again.
"You know, I don't know what's worse: your behavior right after I died, or your behavior these past few weeks. Ellie brought out a side to you that I was afraid you'd never get back...you had so many good years, and then you go and screw all of this up! You're terrible, Dad!" she began to yell, and Joel crumbled inside.
"I was never supposed to live without you. You can't expect me to have another child when I couldn't even take care of the one I had before! I failed you..." he started, and she cut him off with a scowl.
"Will you stop with this? I know I'm loved because you cherish my memory...and maybe too much, considering all the trouble it's gotten you in. I love you, but I don't like who you are. Not anymore," she accused, and Joel died a little more inside.
"I don't know how I'm supposed to make things right. I think she'll forgive me, but I don't deserve it, hell I don't deserve her, and none of this shit is fair for anyone!" he screamed in hopeless desperation.
"Start with me, Dad. You know what you need to do...set things right with the source of the problem..." she urged, voice now soft.
"Sarah, please, I need more time with you. Hold on, please, just...just hold on!"
"Dad, you need to say goodbye!" she yelled back in exasperation.
"Dammit, just listen, please! I need to know that you know you'll never be replaced. Tell me that you understand that. It's all I need. You don't have to lie for my benefit. Do you know that?"
"I know Ellie was never my replacement, and I certainly know this baby won't be my replacement either. Remember what I told you a long time ago? That it was okay to have more than one best friend? Maybe this is a little like that," she urged softly with a little nod, and Joel continued to breathe deeply.
"You're such a good girl...you would have been a phenomenal woman," he started, but his lips trembled, and tears began to fall again.
"I'd like to think so. I know it would have been because of you...well, who you used to be. You can get that back again...if you try," she added.
"I love you more than I love myself...I know you understand, but I have to say it out loud. God damn, this is hard... Sarah, Sarah baby... you'll always be my baby."
"I love you too, Dad. Can we say goodbye yet?"
He blinked, and sobered again.
"...c'mere and hug me, I gotta savor this."
He pulled her into a bear hug again. When he felt her grip onto him as hard and lovingly as he held onto her, he let the words slip from his mouth.
"Goodbye, baby girl."
"Goodbye, Daddy."
Dawn broke, and the sunlight from the window of the abandoned tower forced Joel awake.
Apparently, he had passed out long ago...but the memory of his experience still pumped within his veins.
His imagination, induced by a drunken stupor, perhaps, but it may very well have been one of the most important events of his life. Joel wanted to believe that it was real even if it wasn't...what mattered the most to him was that it felt real, and with the state he was in, he'd gladly settle for that much peace of mind.
Joel never ran so quickly in his life, but as soon as he climbed down, his feet hit the dirt as fast as his legs would carry him toward the house.
Toward their house.
Toward the house that they were in the process of making into a home.
When he barged into the living room, he found her asleep on the couch, and very literally fell to his knees, before he crawled over to her, and buried his face into her lap. Ellie stirred in her sleep, before his cries truly woke her up, and after a moment of confusion she stared down at him in astonishment.
Ellie had seen him shed a tear before, but she had never seen him openly weep like this. Joel's normal emotional defenses were severely weakened, but he was happy about this, and refused to hide anything.
"Is this your apology?" she asked after a long time, once he quieted, and he eventually looked up at her.
"I am so god damn sorry. We're gonna raise this baby. We're havin' a baby!" he urged, eyes wide, and she realized she'd never seen so much optimism from him before.
"Normally, I wouldn't let this slide, but I'm too consumed to hold a grudge at this point. I won't sacrifice my happiness to be miserable, unlike you."
"I'm gonna take good care of you...of all of us..." he added slowly.
"Okay..." she nodded.
"I mean it."
"So what happened, to make you act like this?" she questioned, and he busted out into laughter, like a fit of euphoria ran through his being.
"I...I saw her, Ellie. She was there, in the flesh... she told me it was okay to move on," he said.
He knew very well he didn't have to speak her name for Ellie to understand what he meant. She nodded, but appeared dazed.
"I'm glad for you. Really I am, but is everything supposed to be honky-dory just because you've told me this? I've been dealing with this shit by myself. That isn't fair," she asked slowly.
"I can't fix what I've done. I'll show you in time. God damn, I swear I'll show you," he added, and she would not deny she knew his promise to be real.
"You...you really hurt me. I don't know if things will ever be the same, even if we come to forgive each other," she explained slowly, eyes somewhere beyond him.
"You didn't do anything wrong. I don't have to forgive you for anything," he soothed, but was stopped.
"Yes you do, you blamed me at first. But you've already forgiven me... eventually I'll be able to do the same," she admitted with a shrug.
He nodded.
"Okay...?" she replied, face ambiguous.
"...Okay," he replied, just as jarred as he had been when they came back to Jackson.
Naturally, the conflict was far from completely solved. The sting of the wounds Joel inflicted were still very real, but if they could experience happiness in the future in exchange for letting time run its course to soothe the rest, then both of them would leave it for another day.