Chapter 16: New Beginnings ***

2041

It was time.

The town doctor had arrived earlier that morning.

Ellie had finally revealed that she had been having contractions through the night. Joel assumed that they had grown too strong for her to ignore, and it probably made her realize she couldn't prolong the event any longer. Of course, Joel did understand her hesitation to wake him and tell him the news: she was probably afraid, not only for her own personal reasons, but because she knew that fear of unknown was not something that he dealt with easily.

Once the fearful admittance escaped her mouth, he remembered vividly that he paused far too long, deep in thought, before he ran to get Cyrus for a house call.

Yet, everything since then had been calm before the storm...

Tommy and Maria waited downstairs out of the way. Joel had gotten them to come some hours after Cyrus, for what he attributed in his mind to be emotional support, though he realized that he now regretted it. Now, he waited upstairs with Ellie and Cyrus.

The three of them had essentially shacked up in what was once Ellie's old room, as it had been sterilized to the best of their abilities. She lay on the bed, somewhere consumed in her own world, probably talking herself through the process. Joel had never seen her so quiet and deep in thought, and the lack of her constant chatter was gone...for the first time, he regretted his silent habits. He realized perhaps Ellie had been forced to live in suspense like this with him since they had met.

God damn, this is uncomfortable.

Usually, he liked to be alone with his thoughts...and yet now, all he wanted was to hear her speak, to focus his attention on something else.

Joel eventually began to feel a sort of queasy sentiment in the pit of his stomach, though he knew it could be attributed to numerous reasons. Life would never be the same, and for the first time, he allowed himself to truly consider his own mortality.

In his life, he'd spent most of his time living dangerously on the edge, with too many close calls. Yet now, as he aged and was confronted with the birth of a new life, he considered death.

Not violent death, or death by infection...just... a peaceful, quiet, natural death. For some reason, it bothered him more than he would admit. Even with all his skill and experience, he knew it was unavoidable. It didn't matter that he knew how to play the game masterfully. The end game didn't care, and it would be the same whether he'd mastered survival or not. The sense that he was on borrowed time had never bothered him, but now he couldn't get it out of his mind.

How long would he have with this child? Would he be able to teach it everything that he knew to survive, violence and melancholy aside? He hoped so...if not, he knew he could never be at peace with himself. What about Ellie? He hoped he could help her raise the child for most of its life, as well as love both of them to the best of his ability. He hoped he wouldn't abandon them unfairly simply because of his age.

But, she would be fine without him, right? Right?

"Joel, she's making progress...won't be too much longer now. She's seven centimeters..." the ever helpful, ever keen Cyrus suggested quietly, and jarred Joel from his thoughts.

He had always liked Cyrus. He was an educated man who never seemed to bother anyone. Over the past few months, they had grown quite acquainted...the first person Joel even thought to consider a true "friend" since the outbreak...though "friend" seemed a little strong. Neither of them were social creatures, but they certainly bonded better together than with the others.

He noticed Ellie stir in bed, and heard her laugh nervously. He sat in the chair next to her, while Cyrus stood in position at the foot of the bed.

"Seven centimeters...holy shit," she remarked to herself quietly, without humor, and he heard her release a deep breath that she had been holding. Admittedly, he had never seen her this fearful, and internally he winced for her sake.

"You holdin' up okay..?" he mumbled softly after a moment, his customary response.

It was always the equivalent of so many emotions. Feelings he may or may not have had the ability to express fully, in such a hidden phrase: it was 'I'm worried about you','I'm here for you', 'I'm just as scared as you are', and 'I love you' all in one, and without the cliches.

He knew that she knew what his simple question meant, and he was thankful.

At the corners of her lips, he almost received a smile that she'd surely put on for his benefit, but when she struggled to turn and look at him, he reached out to touch her, and she relaxed again.

"Well, the pain is almost bearable, and apparently I'm still alive, so I'd say so," she simply replied, and he cringed, and looked away. The idea of a natural birth terrified him. Sure, Cyrus was a doctor, but childbirth at home seemed primitive even for his standards. What if there were complications? It was a very real possibility, and suddenly he felt more sick than before.

Joel did not reply.

Suddenly, a rough contraction consumed her, and she sucked air to overcome the pain. All in all, her toughness consistently surprised him, though he should not have expected any less from her. But, he felt utterly useless, and some sort of fear consumed him. He felt his lips begin to tingle as the blood left his face. Soon, he was reminded of his behavior when Sarah was born, and he realized that this was similar.

"Need some air?" Cyrus mouthed, so Ellie would not hear, and Joel nodded before he stood quickly.

"I'll be back," he choked, and stumbled quickly out the room.

With the door closed behind him, and with his brother and sister-in-law downstairs, Joel sat against the wall, head in hands. Anxiety clogged his mind, and he placed his head between his legs. Nausea consumed him. The nerves in his stomach clenched, and he quickly stifled bile, then swallowed hard, before a loud and admittedly disgusting belch escaped his lips. He tried his best to focus on his breathing, and the sweat glistened across his brow began to cool him down.

Breathe...just like the labor classes Cyrus held for new parents.

You gonna embarrass yourself and puke on your own floor, you weak fuck? What's wrong with you? It was bad enough when you were a boy...but you're an old man now. You've seen and done too damn much to react like this.

"Joel?" Tommy asked on the steps in a whisper, and his head flew up to greet his brother.

"What?" he almost spat, but Tommy's face softened, and soon he sat down next to him.

"She'll be all right, Joel," he comforted, but Joel just shook his head, before he took his hand across his brow to wipe the sweat away.

"I'm too fuckin' old. Kid's gonna be forced to grow up too fast when..." he began, but stopped with a sigh, and shook the thought away.

"Too fast when what?" Tommy asked, very softly, and Joel felt his intentions were for the best.

"Nothin'," he simply replied, and felt lost.

"You ain't too old. You were a damn good father before, and you still will be," his brother added, and Joel almost snickered bitterly, but he stifled it when he realized his brother was doing his best to calm him down.

"Tommy, you ever...you ever think about death?" he philosophized, somewhere deep in thought. Tommy frowned at his uncharacteristic behavior, almost scared of his brother's true intent, but then thought deeply in response to the question.

"All the time...especially after Emily was born. Puts things in perspective, I guess," he admitted without shame, and Joel finally looked at him.

"I just...worry," he admitted with a shrug, and Tommy nodded.

"You got plenty of good years ahead of you, Joel...plenty of time to raise this baby with Ellie, don't you worry about that," he stated firmly, and for some reason, Joel was almost comforted.

"Promise me you'll take care of them when I'm gone," he asked without fear or hesitation, and they looked at one another for a long while.

Tommy thought to ignore the request, and assure his brother that it would not come to that, but logically, he knew that would be a lie, and felt torn. After a long moment of silence, he nodded.

"I promise. You know that..." he further added, and Joel nodded to himself.

"...it, uh...it means the world. They are my world. I know you understand..." Joel opened himself willingly, and Tommy was thrilled to see him do it.

"Can I ask you a question?" Tommy began, and Joel steeled.

"Go ahead..." he led in.

"You hopin' for a boy or a girl?" Tommy questioned, and Joel allowed a small smile turn at his lips.

"I don't mind, long as it's healthy. I can't help but wonder, though, if havin' a boy would sit better on my conscience," he admitted, after a long moment of debate whether he should be honest or not. Although he had finally come to terms with Sarah's death, he could not help but to think that having yet another baby girl would unsettle him a bit.

"I can see that..." Tommy nodded in understanding, and although Joel expected to be judged, he was surprised. Tommy deserved more credit than he'd ever given him in their life together.

"Listen...I should probably get my shit together and go inside," Joel stated warmly, and he and Tommy got up to go back downstairs. Something consumed Joel, however, and he turned around before he went back inside.

"Tommy..." he called with a confused frown, and his brother turned around in surprise.

"You good?" Tommy asked, and Joel nodded.

"I just...I... I'm sorry. For everything I've ever done in the past. You've always been a better man than me," he admitted, finally at peace with himself.

Tommy's eyes widened, and he braced the stair rail as the apology sank in.

"Joel, you don't have to-"

"-no, Tommy, I mean it," he interrupted, fully truthful, and after a long moment of silence, Tommy nodded and headed back downstairs.

It was time he started to patch things up, and make good the life he'd driven to ruin so long ago.

It was time for new beginnings.

"Push, just a bit more there, Ellie, and we'll be done," Cyrus urged, and Joel stood across the room and watched the scene like a ghost.

It had been well over a day, now.

Won't be much longer my ass.

She looked like hell, and Joel looked like a haggard old dog fearful of his master.

For a while he had stood next to Ellie and held her hand, but from the way she writhed it appeared to him that in her pain she didn't want to be touched. With the stress of the moment, he felt it better to keep his emotions bottled at the far end of the room, by the door. At this angle, he could see brief glimpses of the head when Cyrus moved, and although he had been disturbed at first, he now felt moved by the scene.

All in all, she had been pushing at this stage for roughly two hours, and was absolutely past the point of complete exhaustion. One of the blood vessels in her eyes had been busted from the force of pushing, while the other was simply bloodshot from lack of sleep. At this point, she seemed ready to give up, and Joel felt his stomach tighten in fear.

She was never a crier, and although she hadn't cried yet from pain during the birth, he felt positive that she would have by now, if only it didn't require so much energy. Exhausted was an understatement. Joel wanted to do something to soothe her, but knew realistically there was nothing for him to do that could provide comfort, and felt useless again.

He also wasn't the type to coddle, although he wished now, more than ever, that he was.

In a moment that was almost missed by Joel, he got closer and saw the entire conclusion of the scene: after a loud grunt of exertion, the child was pulled from her loins, and Cyrus held it up to assess.

"A boy, Joel..." he remarked, but it went unnoticed by Joel, as he was nearly in trance as he looked at his son. Joel got closer, and felt the instinct click immediately: the same rush of pure love and affection snapped inside his heart. Time slowed again, and the world was innocent again, and love simply consumed his entire being.

Soon, however, when he reached to take the child from the doctor, he realized the baby was losing color, and very, very quiet.

My boy never cried...

"Cyrus...he ain't... he ain't breathin'..." Joel choked out in horror, and Cyrus began to work quickly.

No, no, no.

Ellie, who had been near a state of shock after the final push, finally began to speak.

"Where's my baby? Let me see," she whispered affectionately, voice nearly gone.

Cyrus began to pat the baby, in an attempt to jolt the lungs and the breathing response, but Joel continued to watch in absolute terror that nothing was happening. Simply put, he was frozen, unable to react at all. It was a nightmare.

"Joel?" Ellie called, though she seemed miles away. The tone in her voice, however, now sounded concerned.

"My God," Joel choked again, and felt tears in his eyes that threatened to spill over.

No, no, you can't do this to me.

"Joel!?" Ellie now yelled, and he heard the hysteria in her voice.

"Cyrus, you can't let this happen," he pleaded, and felt the world collapse.

"I'm doing all that I can, Joel!" he defended, and continued to maneuver the baby in a way to force the airway to function.

"... You...you cannot do this to us. No, no no," Joel now verbalized his pleas, to a God he'd never believed in, out loud, as the tears of resentment flooded down his cheeks.

This is my fault...I didn't even want him at first. This...this is my fault again.

"Joel why isn't he crying?" she yelled, as sobs of hysteria wrecked her body.

"I don't know!" he finally responded, and when she heard the tears and fear in his voice, she truly lost it to grief.

Ellie's screams filled the room, and he felt himself grow small as he sank down to the floor, head in hands, with shoulders that shook violently.

Life ain't fuckin' fair. Life is hell. Why?

Suddenly, a new sound filled the room.

Joel was convinced for a moment that it was his own muffled sobs, and was shocked, but soon he looked up, and saw the baby flail in Cyrus's arms. The unmistakable, wet cry of a newborn registered in his ears, and a gasp emitted from his mouth.

"Ellie! Ellie...my God," he praised loudly, and her hysterics ceased for a minute, only to be replaced with tearful gasps of air as she gained controlled again, understanding that her child...their child... was alive.

"Cyrus, is he okay?" she called tearfully for confirmation, and Cyrus laughed heartily.

"Yes, he's just fine. Stubborn, like his parents," he replied simply after a moment, and sighed from relief.

Joel turned to Ellie, as the child was brought to her for the first time, and he saw her undergo complete metamorphosis in a matter of seconds. Ellie, the mother, looked at the child with a sort of awe that inspired him, and he felt fully convinced that perhaps life was worth all the pain, and all the hell, if such phenomenal moments like this could instill hope inside his worn soul.

I swear, neither of you will go a day without knowing the extent of my love.

I fuckin' swear.