Chapter 17: The Hunt***
2051
Ten years...
Ten fuckin' years.
Time had gone on with little to no difficulty, as Joel reminisced.
The town did not quite know what to make of the newest member of the family, at first. The gossip had started out that Ellie had been knocked up by a boy, though no one had the faintest idea who, and painted Joel out to be the victimized father figure that had gotten stuck with raising a child that was not his. All of it annoyed Ellie to no end, and she told Joel on more than one occasion that she intended to tell them where they could put their opinions, but he convinced her that it would only make things worse of a bearable situation.
Over time, however, some undeniable traits began to show up as the infant became a toddler.
Joel was obviously proud that his son shared his jaw, nose, and what used to be of his hair color...yet, eventually, in response, the rumors began to change from obscene to correct, and yet no one had dared to accost them in person, for fear of how one of them might react. The child was Joel, up and down, and there was no way to deny it.
Motherhood suited Ellie nicely, however, and she had so naturally made the adjustment that it almost humored him. The way in which she had instantly become less reckless, and more protective, as well as filter some of her profanity, was like some magic had been cast over.
At times, Joel found himself melancholy that she could not have been with him from the very beginning, and they could have grown together before the world had gone to shit...in an idealistic situation where they were the right age, at the right time and the right place...of course, if circumstances had been different, he may not have had Sarah...but, the way in which they meshed, especially in parenting, confirmed in his mind what he had always known: they were perfect together, and apparently they made damn good-looking babies.
The age difference, and her lack of experience compared to him, had bothered her for the first few years. Raising Sarah alone meant that Joel had already been keen to the subtle needs of a child. Whenever the boy got sick, Joel had already assumed something was wrong before Ellie even had a clue. Of course, however, it did not mean she was negligent, and Joel never looked down on her or felt superior, but he knew deep down she felt he yet again held an unfair advantage. Perhaps he did, though he was not sure for how much longer he would benefit from the age gap.
Perhaps Ellie feared that when the child grew up, it would prefer the more experienced parent and look down at her in response. To both their shock, once the boy had reached the age where his personality was evident, he had taken a special shine to his mother. Probably because they were so different, while he and Joel held similar traits that were bound to clash, to an extent.
Ellie always made it apparent she loved that Holden was so similar to Joel...after all, they were qualities that she knew deeply. Yet, deep down, as Joel came to realize how similar the child was to him, and how much more he would become like his father, he feared for him.
I wouldn't wish that on anybody...especially my son.
Not to say that they had not grown close...love was always evident between them, but it was more of a competitive, lesson-based relationship, and Joel did not know if his son's personality was responsible, or if that was just how father/son relationships typically were. Joel was incredibly tender with the child, but in some way, he felt that his son almost feared him...like he saw him as some intimidating force. Perhaps it was just his role in the community. People had always been afraid of him...and when Holden started at the school a few years back, the other children were clear on their stance against his father, instilled in them from their own parents.
One day, when he was five, Joel noticed that he had gone very quiet at the dinner table after Ellie had questioned him about how he had liked starting school.
"S'okay," he simply replied, with a shrug, and instantly Joel and Ellie flashed a look between one another.
"Really...just, 'okay'? You can't expect us to believe that," she led in softly, in an attempt to pull something out of him, but he simply shrugged again, and continued to eat in silence.
Joel knew the child would not respond to such an obvious attempt to get inside his mind...because Joel knew that he himself would not have responded. Dinner continued in the same manner, but later that night, Joel knocked on his son's door before bed, after he had given him plenty of time to sort out his little feelings.
"Can I come say goodnight?" he led in, slowly, and made sure that he would be allowed to enter on his son's terms. I need to manipulate him like I'd manipulate myself...
"Yeah," a soft, almost sad voice called from in the room, and Joel entered slowly.
"Just wanted to make sure...you been a little distant tonight...I wouldn't wanna bother you," Joel began, very truthfully.
"You aren't bothering me," Holden replied, eyes wide, almost in defense, because he felt bad that he had caused his father to feel that way.
"Well, then, you wanna tell me what's goin' on?" Joel urged, gently, like he might scare him off if he pushed too hard.
"I don't know..." the boy said, after a deep sigh, as though he carried the world on his shoulders. It hurt Joel, in that very instant, as he knew that his son's demeanor was almost identical to his own...and he pitied him for it.
"Son, have the other kids said somethin' to make you like this..." Joel led in, eyes narrowed, like an ominous threat loomed around the corner for all the children who had wronged his son, if he were to agree. After a long moment of silence, where Holden had avoided eye contact and played with his hands, he finally looked into Joel's eyes, and nodded sadly.
"Yeah, but it isn't important...I'll get over it. I don't like em' anyway," he explained, almost bitter, but tough as nails. I sure hope he ain't learned that kind of animosity from me...but where else could he have gotten it from?
"So, they have done something to you..." Joel questioned in a growl.
"They just said things I didn't like..." he explained, consumed in his own mind.
"...Tell me what it is," he began, very gentle and slow.
"I don't want to..." Holden continued to close off from him.
"I can't make it better if you don't tell me...and trust me, I can make everything better," he promised, very seriously.
"Because... it was about you," Holden said, in a frustrated, forced whisper.
Suddenly, it clicked.
"About me, huh..." Joel mumbled incredulously, though he had expected something like this to happen eventually.
"They said...they were all really scared of you, and that you were older than the other Dad's...and a whole bunch of other stuff that was confusing..." he explained, face twisted as he tried to understand all of it, and Joel smiled sadly.
"Scared of me...well, I know a lot of people like that. And, well, I am older than the other Dad's...but what confused you?" Joel pressed, and knew that his feelings could very easily be demolished by one word of disappoint from his son's mouth.
"They said that you were...creepy, for being with Mom...because she's younger than you...and you were her father once?" he tried to desperately make sense of it in his young mind, and for a moment, he reminded Joel of Ellie whenever she rambled to understand something that was beyond her.
They probably out right called me a pedophile...but he won't know what that means...
"Before you were born, your mother and I lived here for a long time. We weren't always together...because, we didn't feel that way about each other yet, you see?" he tried to explain, and Holden's eyes were glued to his. "And, uh, she was pretty young. She's still young, compared to me...obviously...and, we kept our relationship a secret," Joel sputtered as he tried to explain it in a way that was easy to understand.
"People thought you were her father...but, you're my father? And why would you be with Mom if you were..." he asked, and had somewhat followed.
"It was...easier, for people to understand, if we let them think that way. One day, you showed up...so, we couldn't pretend anymore. That was one of the best days of my life... and I wouldn't trade it for the world. See, people just don't understand the circumstances, because we never let them...and they might not ever understand, but the point is, you can't let em' get you down," Joel continued honestly.
"I wasn't...sad because they had hurt my feelings...I just didn't want to hear them say things about you that weren't true," Holden tried to explain, and Joel realized that he was not in an attempt to soothe his own ego or seem brave; rather, his son cared about others more than himself, and that kind of altruism humbled Joel inside more than he had ever felt.
"You really are a special kid, you know that?" Joel had mused, with a smile on his face, and Holden allowed a small smile to tickle the corner of his lips.
Sarah and him woulda been the perfect balance between one another...
In moments like that, Joel could feel his son almost trying to gain his approval, almost like Holden was a guardian to his name. It confused him, and he never quite understood it...especially because Holden was so willing to open up to his mother whenever it suited him to do so.
Yes, he loved Joel dearly... but, it was there, in his eyes everyday, that Ellie was his world. Joel was not jealous, but rather felt she deserved that sort of idolization from their child: their relationship had reminded him of how he and Sarah used to be...full of yin and yang. He was convinced everyone should be able to feel a love like that at least once in their lifetime. The fact the Ellie could now experience that was enough to keep him satisfied, although the realization had hurt his feelings a bit in the beginning.
After all...perhaps, in the long-run, this would make his premature departure from his son's life all the easier, whenever that time would come.
It was the first snow of the year.
Winter seemed to approach earlier than usual, which Joel would normally assess as a bad omen, but this year was special. All the wood had been chopped, long ago, and he and Ellie had effectively stocked up on an eclectic collection of deer, rabbit, and squirrel. It would be a good winter, indeed...but something still remained to be accomplished.
"Dad, c'mon, you promised..." the child at his bedside begged, and Joel smiled deviously in the warmth of the blankets.
"I dunno...you sure ain't too sick?" Joel taunted, and then looked down.
"I've been fine for days... are you really not going to take me?" the child asked again, playfulness lost, and was deathly serious.
"C'mere," Joel sat up, now just as serious, and the child listened obediently, as he knew the routine well. He bowed his head for Joel to feel, and waited in anticipation at his father's response.
"You don't have to fuss over me," he grumbled softly, while his father weighed the options. Joel's eyes widened at the statement, almost hurt, but then he mused further.
Kid's just like me, whenever he ain't pickin' at things to keep himself occupied like Ellie.
"Well, fever's down...I guess we could go huntin' today," he stated after a moment of deliberation, and the child smiled, though that was as much of a reaction as he would receive.
When their son had turned ten earlier in the year, after a long discussion between Joel and Ellie on whether or not it seemed to be appropriate, they both finally agreed to teach him how to use a bow. A bow in Jackson, however, meant hunting only...the past few years had seen little to no bandit activity in the area, and for the first time since the outbreak, Joel realized that kids actually could be kids again. The town had undergone a metamorphosis as the older generation died off, and the younger generation continued to expand.
It was a relief, to say the least, as he wanted to raise their son with very little emphasis on weapons and violence, other than hunting or for minimal survival skills. After all, the world was still dangerous, and both Joel and Ellie were fearful that the younger generation would have little to no knowledge on how to use a weapon, so much so that it could pose as an unintended weakness.
Yet, Joel had noticed that ever since Holden had been little, that the boy had such a strong fascination with his Uncle Tommy's rifle and his mother's bow (he had yet to discover Joel's horde in the attic...) as though it was genetically predetermined that he wished to become a gunslinger.
So, when Holden had asked them both that summer, if he could learn how to use a bow to help them with the meat collection, they were almost stumped. One, because it was such a practical suggestion for a young boy to have made on his own, and two, because they realized that perhaps it was not a bad idea...
Ellie had insisted to him that it was a great concept, as Holden was a responsible young child, capable of the next step, and felt that his initiative should be rewarded. Joel, however, as much as he knew that she was right, struggled with the concept a bit more, but he realized that he would be able to sleep better in the future if he knew his son was capable of protecting and providing for himself.
"Mom, are you coming too?" Joel heard him ask, to Ellie next to him in bed.
Just last week, Holden had come down with a nasty flu, and had been generous enough to spread it go the rest of the family. Ellie had been the first to fall to the second hand illness, and Joel had just begun to feel it ease its way to him. Luckily, he still felt well enough to take Holden hunting, as he did not want to disappoint the child, and had looked forward to this day for a long time. If only he could get out of the house before Ellie would notice that he was soon to come down with the illness...
"No...I'm too sick. You gave me what you had last week, remember? Infected little monster," she teased, and Joel could feel his son roll his eyes across the room.
"You'll be fine, drama queen," Holden deadpanned back, and Ellie snickered in bed, before a fit of wet coughing overcame her.
"What if you guys come back to find me suffocated in my own mucous? Wouldn't that be something, Joel? I cannot believe your son got me sick..." she played with the dramatics...a favorite game between the two of them.
Joel just watched, and smiled.
"It would be pretty gnarly, if that actually happened..." Holden led in, and suddenly Ellie broke the histrionics with genuine laughter, before she pulled Holden into a tight embrace, planting kisses all over his forehead. Though he was not an affectionate child, he accepted the kisses gracefully; he knew his mother would be hurt if he did not.
"Have any last words for your good ole' mom, before you run off with your Dad and become a man without me?" she mused dreamily, almost sad.
"Oh, don't get all sappy on me. We're excited to go, Mom... I am sorry that you can't come, though," Holden admitted, almost sadly, but when he looked to his father, he perked up again.
"We'll be back in a while...you sure you're feelin' well enough to stay alone?" Joel extended to Ellie, as he buttoned his flannel shirt, and she nodded furiously.
"Go. Really. I'll be fine," she promised, and after he looked into her eyes to realize that what she said was true, he turned to his son.
"All right, then. C'mon, we're gonna go do manly stuff without your mother. Go ahead and get your shoes..." he told his son as a means to speak to Ellie privately, and Holden left the room promptly in excitement.
"Take care of him out there. Some of the guards have been complaining about the infected getting close lately. There were some about a mile out last week..." she worried openly, because her son was not in the room to hear her fear and in turn assume that she was overly-protective.
"I know...Tommy was tellin' me yesterday. But, we'll be fine. This ain't my first rodeo, ya know...you used to know that first hand. Have you forgotten that I used to be a badass?" Joel taunted playfully, and she rolled her eyes while she stifled a smile.
"'Used to be' are the key words that bother me..." she admitted. He chuckled, then turned serious.
"Listen, if you have any doubts, I won't take him. I was worried too, at first...but I think it would be a good idea for him to learn the skills. It's your call," Joel led in, and left it to Ellie. Internally, he smiled: initially, she had been thrilled that Holden had wanted to hunt, and had made fun of Joel when he was reluctant, but as the event grew closer, her instincts had kicked in.
"No...no, you're right. This is important...go ahead and go before I change my mind," she said after a sigh, and smiled.
"All right then. We'll be back," Joel called over his shoulder.
"Oh, and Joel?" she called after him, and he turned on his heels.
"Don't think for a second that I didn't notice the congestion in your chest. Go ahead, though...I know you promised him," she taunted back, and Joel almost smiled sheepishly.
"It was only a matter of time before I caught it too...you did, and you always brag about bein' invincible," he toyed back.
"Maybe so... but, my age helps. Be careful, old man. Take an extra scarf...for me, please?" she asked, and after a sigh, he nodded, and left the room.
She keeps me young, I guess.
No sooner than they had left the settlement, Holden began to ramble on in his excitement, which was very uncharacteristic, and in response, Joel was so consumed in his own happiness that he almost could not wipe the subtle grin off his face as they hiked.
The walk to the hunting area was about 45 minutes on foot, and Holden had insisted that they not take the horses, because he wanted to take his time and enjoy everything. Joel could feel his chest tighten in the cold air, and continued to resist the urge to cough, for fear that his son would find him weak. The age, after all, had always bothered Joel, and he did not want to feel more insignificant to his son because of it.
"Mom and I were talking yesterday, about our favorite things..." he led in happily, eyes wide as he looked at the trees.
"Oh, were you now? Tell me how it went," Joel edged him on, always eager to hear his son open up.
"I dunno. Good, I guess. It was fun. I wanted to ask you some of them, actually," he admitted, and Joel grinned at him.
"All right. Go ahead. Do I get to ask questions too?" he asked.
"Dad, you know everything about me. Why would you have questions?" Holden asked, seriousness painted all over his face.
"I don't know what goes on in that head of yours all the time...you're real quiet, like me," he said with a lightness in his voice, though an undertone existed.
"Oh...sorry. I didn't know that," Holden admitted, and he could see his son's mind at work.
"You don't gotta feel bad about it...just, you know, sometimes I guess I think about it," Joel admitted. He had taken steps long ago to ensure that he expressed his emotions fully to his son, even though he struggled with that in regard to other people.
"Why do you feel bad about it?" he asked, as he had picked up on his father's emotions, now intrigued.
"You talk with your mother more than me," he explained gently.
"No I don't...I mean, I physically talk to you more, I just talk to her about, you know...feely stuff," Holden tried to explain.
It was true, that he and his son spent the most time together. Joel always had him under his wing at the hydroelectric plant whenever something broke, which seemed often, and was well on the way to teaching him how to fix things. Joel had also become something of a builder in the community, as it was an activity that he could do on his own. At one point in time, only Tommy was allowed to work with him...but that stipulation now included Holden as well. The three of them had become something of a construction force in Jackson, with Holden as the young apprentice.
At times, it bothered Joel that he made a child work like that, but then he realized that not only was his son eager, but that the world was different than it used to be when he had raised Sarah. Most families worked their children in Jackson, like families had done centuries before, and he always had to remind himself that he was not robbing the child of innocence and playfulness.
"Well, why is that? Do you not...wanna talk to me about those kinds of things?" Joel asked honestly, soul laid bare.
"No, that's not it. I guess Mom is just better at forcing me to talk about things I won't bring up on my own," he said with a shrug, deep in thought. Joel actually laughed at the response.
"Yeah...you know, I can see that. Your mother's always had a way of doin' that..." he reminisced, and nodded.
"So, you wanna play or not?" Holden asked, in a change of subject.
"Yeah, I do. You go first. Ask away," Joel urged him on.
"Okay...what was your favorite song?" he asked, eyes wide.
"Uh...there was this song...Bob Dylan, which was before my time, by the way... 'A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall'. God damn, I'd kill to hear that again," he said, and shook his head in disappointment.
"Can't you play it on your guitar?" Holden inquired, deeply interested.
"Bits...I've forgotten some of the lyrics, though" he admitted with a nostalgic smile.
"All right. Do you have a question?" he asked, and Joel nodded.
"How do you and Emily really get along...? I know she can be a bit of a know it all, like her mother," Joel thought to himself, and smiled.
Emily was a year older than Holden, and they had grown close, but Joel and Ellie always worried that she might walk all over their son, because she was bossy and a perfectionist. All that being said, they loved her like family should, and accepted the flaw regardless. After all, family dinners on Sunday would be awkward if they did not, and the fact that such a deep bond had formed between all of them was a reminder that love and kinship still existed. Still, though, Joel did not want to see his son get stomped over by an eleven year old girl, just because his son was quiet and respectful of others...
"I like her just fine. She gets on my nerves, but I ignore her when it gets too bad," he said with a shrug, and Joel laughed.
"Your turn," he reminded him.
"What was Sarah like?" Holden asked. It was never a secret about Joel's life before the outbreak, and he had intentionally told Holden about his half-sister long ago, as he did not want to keep that kind of thing hidden.
"Similar to your mother, in a lot of ways. She liked to hike, and loved cheesy teen movies. Real athletic, too. Sometimes I wonder how the two of you would have gotten along," he admitted with a sad smile.
"You think we would have liked each other?" he asked.
"Yeah, I do. I can't help but think ya'll woulda been attached at the hip," he chuckled softly.
The two of them conversed back and forth for the rest of the walk, until Joel noticed that the woods were getting deeper, and the trail stopped. The snow began to fall a bit harder, and the increased moisture had given Joel a certain wetness inside his chest. A cough had formed along the way, though he hoped it would not get so bad that they would not be able to hunt. More than anything, he hoped at least Holden could snag a rabbit out here.
I might be witness to my son's first kill...
"All right, you need to be quiet out here. We're in the wild, and even though that means all the animals are here, it also means infected, and anyone who might wanna hurt us. It's a serious thing bringing you out here...I know you understand that, but I can't stress enough that things are different out here. Clear...?" Joel led in severely, and Holden gave a solemn nod.
"Clear," he replied.
The two of them stalked through the woods for a long while, crouched, and Joel explained to his son how to hunt most effectively. The bow was a bit big for him, but he was about Ellie's size when she had first used it, so Joel knew that he was capable. A few rabbits had run in front of them, and Holden had spotted them well, but had not quite mastered the aim with his weapon. Rogue arrows were scattered about, and Joel collected them while Holden moved on a bit further to search for more animals.
Then, a deer stumbled in front of him.
"Dad, look," he whispered, and Joel silently made his way toward him, before he caught sight of the buck.
"That's an eight pointer there...big fella, too. Ain't no way we can carry him back, though...he's not yours to kill today," he explained, and turned to move on.
"This is my chance..." he stopped him, and disagreed quietly, with an incredulous expression.
"Son, you wanna kill something for no good reason?" he asked.
"It is for good reason...it's practice, and it's my first time," he tried to convince him, and Joel sighed.
"You're hunting today, not killing, son, do you see the difference?" he pressed, and almost felt regret at his own hypocrisy, but refused to teach his son that kind of reckless animosity.
It is his first time though...would make one hell of a story. Tommy and I could probably come back and get it tomorrow...the cold will keep the meat fresh.
"You've killed, what's the difference?" he asked, and Joel felt like he had been slapped, but respected his son at the truth of his statement.
"You aren't me...not entirely, anyway...can't we just move on?" Joel asked, though he felt his resolve slip.
"Dad, I really want this," Holden explained, with a face so inspired and driven that Joel sighed.
"...Fine," he said, after a long moment of silence. I've gone so soft.
Joel nodded forward, as a means to show Holden where to move, and he listened intently. The buck was in plain sight, and as he urged his son to move on, the urge to cough almost overpowered him, but he stifled it in fear that he would scare the prey away. Holden arched the bow, and stared for a long time, as he tried to find the best way to line the arrow for a good shot. The slowness pained Joel, and his throat clenched as he waited for his son to hit the deer, so that he could release the breath he was holding.
Eventually, Holden released the bow. The subtle sound of the arrow going into the deer's flesh was music to both of their ears, though for different reasons. Holden was thrilled, and ran up to follow the deer, so that he could end what he had started. Joel, however, was relieved that he could finally cough...
He hacked away, with his arm to his mouth, as he trailed behind his son.
When the coughing fit stopped, however, he looked down at his arm, and was horrified: it was specked in his own blood.
To confirm, with a furrowed brow, Joel coughed again on purpose, into the other arm, and was further shocked when a similar blood pattern soon dotted along his other sleeve.
"Dad, I got it!" he heard Holden call in the distance, but could not bring himself to reply just yet, as Joel realized the weight of whatever illness had consumed him.
This ain't no flu...