The atmosphere in Starclan was tense. Cats were whispering to each other nervously, a massive battle of Go Fish was being fought in the background, and Yellowfang was forging passports to the Dark Forest.
"Yellowfang, what the heck," said Bluestar.
Yellowfang finished off the latest forgery with a flick of her wrist and handed it to Goosefeather. "Even the Dark Forest is better than being yelled at for something we can't control," she grumbled. "I'm delivering too many prophecies? Seriously? It's not like I'm the one in charge of all that garbage! Believe me, if I could stop, I'd do it in a heartbeat!"
"But the Dark Forest?" Bluestar pleaded. "You can't go there, it's full of evil people!"
"Not anymore, at the rate these authors are going," Goosefeather pointed out. "Since they're declaring every single cat who went there to be good and justified for reasons beyond my comprehension. At one point, I thought that pointless murder was something we could all agree on. Now that I've lost all my faith in humanity, everything makes sense! Murder and abuse is good, actually, and murderers and abusers deserve to go to Starclan! Why didn't I see it before!" He wandered off in the general direction of the Dark Forest, muttering crazily to himself.
Bluestar glared at Yellowfang, who shrugged.
Suddenly, the one thing dreaded by all of Starclan happened. Kits were crying; elders were screaming; the Go Fish game, which had dissolved into a brutal free-for-all ten minutes ago, broke up as cats ran for cover.
The author self-insert portal had opened.
A massive wormhole, fifteen feet in diameter and an attractive shade of gentle blue, swirled into being directly above the Great Rock (which was... just there for some reason? The author had thought it was left behind when Starclan moved, but she guesses not. Whatever). The Starclan cats screamed in terror/horror/murderous fury as the 29578179th author self-insert stepped through.
"Go away!" Yellowfang yelled, chucking a rock at the author.
"Yeah!" Whitestorm agreed. "It's not like we were in control of our actions. The people you should be yelling at are the Erins!"
"It was the Erins who gave me a different personality every time I showed up!" Ashfur said. "I have five different personalities now! Why can't they let me be dead in peace?"
The author insert stood stoically on the Rock for a moment, silently enduring the extremely justifiable rage of the belabored Starclan cats. "Silence, all of you," the insert said at last, without any vestige of emotion.
Despite their fury, Starclan shut up. Mostly because of their fear of the author's writing powers - you know, the powers that let you make characters stupidly OOC, throw in pointless plot twists, and generally drag the quality of your books down below zero? Those writing powers.
"Many of you are very angry, and that's valid," the insert said. "But I'm not here to talk to you." Abruptly, the insert's entire demeanor changed. A massive grin spread across her face, her back straightened, and she flipped her nonexistent hair (you know. Because she's a cat. I don't know who needs to hear this today, but most cats don't have full heads of human hair) as she struck a pose. "My name is Dappledlight!" she screamed, jabbing one finger (paw?) at the sky. "And today, I am here to talk... to the authors!"
Everyone was silent for a good minute.
"What," said Bluestar.
Dappledlight ignored her. With a snap of her fingers (paws?), she summoned all the Warriors-writing authors of the FanFiction Archive.
"Hello, people!" she yelled over the sounds of distress, anger, discombobulation, and the other various noises of a whole lot of very confused people. "I'm here today to yell at you! And you are here today to be yelled at!"
There was a confused silence.
"But we haven't done anything," one of the authors pointed out.
"Yeah? Well, neither did the Starclan cats, and yet you're yelling at them anyway. It's your turn now! So, what should we discuss first?" Dappledlight rubbed her hands (paws?) together with a malicious smile.
"Ah, I know. Mapleshade! She's a fun, appealing character (and one of our only three female villains, wtf Erins), so I can see why you like her! The fandom has also built up such a rabid cult mentality around her that a lot of people feel like they have to like her to be cool, and I understand that! I get it! But - and I'm going to be very clear on this - she was not justified in literally anything she did!"
Dappledlight paused to survey her audience. There were a lot of disgruntled faces, but no one had spoken up. This was probably because she hadn't written anyone to do it yet.
"Mapleshade was crazed from grief and hallucinating, sure. You say she wasn't completely in control of her actions at the time? All right, that seems reasonable. But to say she was justified? That she was right? That, my dear author friends, is completely and utterly wrong."
Someone in the crowd raised a paw. "But Appledusk was cheating with her! And Frecklewish watched the kits die!"
Dappledlight pointed finger guns at him. "You are correct! I'd like to point out, though, that Frecklewish was a Thunderclan cat who couldn't swim and the river - let me emphasize this, because it's pretty important - was flooded. Currents that strong can drown even a Riverclan cat, not to mention a Thunderclan cat who can't swim. Frecklewish said she thought the Riverclan patrol would save them - if she'd tried to save the kits, she probably would have drowned as well and gotten in the rescue effort's way! Literally how is that any better?"
She paused for effect, before adding, "And yes, Appledusk cheated on her. He's kind of a scumbag, and I'm not defending his actions here. But while cheating is a horrific breach of trust to your partner, it is not - say it with me, kids - it is not an action worthy of death. Cheating does not merit death. If you really disagree, please, for the love of Starclan, see a therapist and never enter a romantic relationship."
There were some quiet mutterings from the crowd. Some people clearly disagreed, but Dappledlight ignored them.
"And before we move onto the next topic, I'm going to run through Mapleshade's list of crimes. She murdered a medicine cat (who, yes, was a kind of a jerk, but he still didn't deserve to die), murdered a sister grieving her dead brother (Mapleshade had kids with his murderer and let Frecklewish think they were her brother's. Does that not convern any of you?), attempted to kill a pregnant woman who had nothing to do with any of this, and did murder her ex for the horrific sin of... cheating. Which, as we've covered, does not merit death."
Dappledlight paused to inhale a massive lungul of air.
"And that's only the things she did before she died! After her death, she brainwashed and indoctrinated multiple children (Crookedstar and Goosefeather), performed some... pretty horrific gaslighting and emotional abuse on Crookedstar for his entire life, attempted to drown Ivypool for literally no reason, and tried to murder Sandstorm for no reason except that she was jealous. Yes, Mapleshade tried to murder a woman because she was salty that Sandstorm's mate actually loved her. And then she murdered Spottedleaf, but I'm not complaining about that. Even if she hadn't deserved to go to the Dark Forest when she died - which, I'd argue, she did - she more than definitely deserved it by the time her run was over. Any questions?"
No one raised a paw. This was also probably because Dappledlight hadn't written them to, but whatever.
"Excellent!" Dappledlight cheered. "So, now that that rant is over, it's time for our second topic: Ashfur!"
"Oh, Starclan, not again," Ashfur muttered.
"So, if I had to pick literally anyone whose entire character and personality was completely dragged through the mud by the Erin's, I'd pick... well, actually, a lot of people, but Ashfur would definitely be up there!" Dappledlight said. "This guy has an entirely new personality literally every time he shows up. In the original series, he was a kind, desperately traumatized apprentice! In TNP, he was a nice guy who was, honestly, being treated like crap (NO, I'm not saying that justifies his later actions at all. I'm just pointing out that Squirrelflight wasn't perfect, either)! In Po3, he was a crazed revenge-seeking murderer! In Starclan, he seemed pretty normal actually, and was even able to make up eith Hollyleaf! And in TBC, he's... uh... yeah. He's something."
Dappledlight paused to shrug.
"All I'm saying is he's one of the author's favorite toys whenever they need someone to beat on, and you can't really hate him because who he is as a character changes depending on what the Erins want him to do. You're only hating on one or two specific personalities that the Erins gave him during whichever books. Anyway! Put all that aside, 'cause that's not what I'm here to talk about."
Dappledlight made a series of shoving motions as if to physically push the topic away. The crowd looked at her like she was insane.
"You guys - that's right, I'm talking about you, you over there - are complaining about how Ashfur went to Starclan. You... you realize that's old news, right? Like, that's some seriously old news. You're digging that up from the dinosaur ages, people. I know this! You know this! The fandom knows this! Heck, even the Erins know this! That's why they're - get this - working to fix it! They know Ashfur didn't deserve to go to Starclan! That's what TBC's entire arc is about - punishing Ashfur for his actions! By the end of it, I guarantee you, he will be either in the Dark Forest or, more likely, dead. That's what you want, isn't it? So I don't get why you're complaining about it."
She stopped to give everyone simultaneously (somehow) the side-eye. Some authors shuffled uncomfortably and looked down at their feet. One opened her mouth to respond, but after a moment of consideration, shut it.
Dappledlight nodded, satisfied. "Fantastic. So with this, we've come to our final topic! A round of applause, everyone!"
Crickets chirped. One author started clapping awkwardly, and eventually tapered off when she realized no one else was doing it.
From her rock, Dappledlight nodded at her. "Thanks, babe. Now, the last and final topic: this challenge!"
The crickets were very loud today. Was no one else concerned about the cricket overpopulation levels? Seriously, people.
"Are you seriously going to complain about the challenge when you're one of the people doing it?" one of the authors asked after an awkward silence.
"Absolutely!" Dappledlight said brightly. "I'm trying to get a message out to the community, after all, and the most likely method to get the other challengers to hear it is by also doing the challenge! Reverse psychology!"
Some authors swapped confused glances. "I'm pretty sure that's not-"
"So, the challenge!" Dappledlight interrupted them. "I'm going to be honest, I really don't see the point of this. It's your average rantpost thinly veiled as a fic on a platform that really isn't designed for them. Like... it's in the guidelines? 'Entries not allowed - Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges, author notes, and etc.' The key word there is challenges, folks. The FanFiction Archive is a site meant for stories; if you want to make a rantpost, post it on Amino or Tumblr or something. Pretending it's a story to dodge the mods is just... really not the same thing.
"In addition! By addressing these rants to the characters specifically, you're implying that it's their fault the books are like that. Are you hearing yourselves? Seriously? In case y'all hadn't noticed, these are fictional characters! They don't actually exist! They can't control their actions because their actions aren't even real. If you really need to be chewing out some random strawmen for your dumb story format to work, why not pick on the Erins? Since literally everything you're complaining about was determined by them? As the authors, they determine everything that happens in the books - characters, plots, all the dumb nitpicky details y'all keep crying about which shouldn't matter because this is a series for - wait for it -children."
There was a moment of silence as the audience digested this information.
"Are you saying that, this whole time, we've been picking on fictional characters that don't exist and thus can't be held accountable for their nonexistent actions?" someone asked.
"Bingo!"
"Hey, wait a minute," one of the authors broke in. "But you were just ranting about Mapleshade and Ashfur a minute ago!"
"Au contraire, mon ami!" Dappledlight raised a finger (paw?). "I was not attacking their actions. I was attacking the fandom's perception of them - specifically, the fans' tendency to excuse or outright ignore Mapleshade's many horrendous actions, and their complaints about Ashfur being allowed into Starclan. And also their attempts to attack his character, when (thanks to the Erins) he doesn't really have one. This is what happens when a bunch of kids who really don't understand the kind of books they're reading attempt literary criticism on what are, quite possibly, the absolutely worst books to critique. You'd probably know that if you expanded your literary palates to something beyond frickin' Warrior Cats."
There was a moment of angry, incredulous silence.
"I'm telling you this in a very obnoxious, condescending way because I'm a very benevolent person who only wants you to acknowledge your mistakes," Dappledlight added.
"Oh!" said one author, and then everyone began nodding in agreement.
"Well, that makes everything better!"
"Since you've just told us you're so benevolent, I guess we'll just forget every rude and personally humiliating thing you needlessly said to us before!"
"You were incredibly rude and pretentious about it, but I guess it's okay because you're just such a kind person for making fun of my personal trauma with a complete inability to understand the context or motivations of my actions!"
"Wait, what?"
"Well, that wraps that up!" Dappledlight said, clapping her hands (paws?). Now that she'd used her author powers (remember those?) to explain to everyone how benevolent and charitable she was being for bullying them, the entire audience abruptly forgot they hated her and began cheering instead.
"Wow, Dappledlight! Thanks for explaining how we were wrong about everything!"
"I just discovered my life is a lie, thank you so much! You have my eternal gratitude!"
Dappledlight took a bow amid the cheering of the crowd, and, to a raucous round of applause, ascended into the sky surrounded by beams of resplendent light and a choir of angels. A moment after she'd vanished into the golden clouds above, the snap of her author powers was heard and the author self-insert portal reopened. One by one, the still-cheering audience of authors hurtled into the roaring portal, until no one was left but the flabbergasted Starclan cats.
Then the portal winked out of existence, never to be seen again.
There was a long, confused silence.
"What the heck was that," Bluestar said.
"Hell is empty, and all the devils are here," Goosefeather wailed from somewhere in the distance.
Yellowfang shrugged and went back to her passports.