Chapter Five

How can one's sorrow be someone else's joy? Is it too cruel of me to be happy at this time?

A month ago, the documents have been notarized which I think is the final stage of the divorce process. Joseph's lawyer, Mr. Riley, informed him over the phone. I was there to witness how Joseph broke down in tears as his phone fell on the floor. Was he still hoping that after all the they went through, Aesop will change his mind? I wonder, what went wrong in their marriage? He's free of him, but is that even how he feels when he's still a prisoner of love for his ex-husband?

I kept frontrow seat tickets in my bag. Finally, my free tickets would be usable! I giggled at the thought. Gosh! How can I be so ruthless? Well, isn't it about time that he forget about Aesop? And I'll be here with him until that happens. He will forget about him, right? I smiled, unaware that someone was looking at me.

"Someone special?"

It's Michiko. We studied in the same performance arts school here in the capital, but we only got close when we auditioned and got a part in a musical play five years ago. She has been my closest friend ever since my bestfriend got married. She knows everything about me and my undying love for Joseph. How can she not know about him when he's all I can think, dream and talk about?

"How can I make someone fall inlove with me?" I asked with a heavy heart. I know my mood changes from one second cheerful to being sad the next second.

Narrowing her eyes on me, she removes her costume then carefully hangs it inside her wardrobe. "This is not just someone, am I right? You mean, how can you make Joseph fall inlove with you?"

She can really read me. I already told her about Joseph's divorce, but I hid what happened between us. She'll get mad for sure! So I better keep it a secret for now. "Don't you think this is some kind of a sign? You know, his divorce?"

"Here's what's gonna happen Mary. One day, he'll get over Aesop and he will find another man." She emphasized the word man. "And even if he doesn't get to be with someone right away, you can never be that man to him. As your friend, this may sound brutal but if this will keep you from self-destruct then I gotta do what I gotta do as your friend."

I don't like where this talk is going. "Maybe I have a chance-"

"You just love the chase, someone who challenges you because that gives you excitement."

"I-uh hmm you're okay um slightly right?" I hate to admit it, but she's really right. I love chasing someone, but don't we all? Our sights are set on only one person, ignoring those who love us? We're drawn to those who doesn't feel the same way for us, because we always wanted to win someone's heart. We convince ourselves that we are possible to love. We are deserving of love! Or am I wrong? Or is it just because we love hurting ourselves? "I don't want t-"

"You'll just end up hurting yourself."

What if I want the pain? "I'll take it-"

"You have loved him all the days of your life, from the moment you met him until now. It has always been Joseph. What about Mary? You have to love yourself too. You have to open your heart to someone else. Maybe ending how you feel about him, or ending this one sided love is your beginning to a love you never thought possible? If you open your heart and let somebody else inside that stupid heary, only that can happen. He's not the only man in this world you know!"

I never really looked at someone else before, to me, it has always been Joseph. I don't know but I'm under his spell.

"Should I set you up with my husband's twin brother then?" She reached for her phone then shows me a picture. "So, this is my husband's friends."

Without appearing to be interested, I looked at her phone. Her husband's friends are all goodlooking I'm not going to lie.

"So beside my hubby is his twin brother, as you know, they're both in the armed forces. Then this is Naib, he's also in the armed forces. This is Bane, a vet. And this one-"

Wait. I think I know this man. Tall. Slim. Long hair. And that face? "I've seen him somewhere before, but I'm not sure."

"Of course you know him! He's a performer!"

I saw his face in some theaters before, but I haven't seen his concertos. How come I can't remember his name?

"His name is Antonio. And lucky you, he's performing here at the capital. Oh, you two are a good match! I should check-"

"I'm not ready-"

"When will you be ready?! When Joseph got married again?"

I hope not. I cannot take another marriage of Joseph if it's not with me!

"Come on, give it a try?"

I shook my head. "Please, I-I don't want to see anyone else." At least not right now. We make our own chances. So, while Joe's here. Shouldn't I try?

What Michiko said earlier echoed in my head. What if she's actually right? Ending this one sided love is the beginning of me. Is she right about you Joe? What if the end of you is the beginning of me? These thoughts ran through my mind as I walk the lamp lit streets of the capital.

The sky is full of stars tonight, the moon wouldn't be lonely. There was a parked car in front of the apartment I noticed when I arrived. I'm hoping against all hope that it's not Aesop.

I was welcomed by Joseph and a visitor, they were drinking. Five bottles. Two opened, one almost finished and three more to go. "So, who is this?" I put down some takeouts I ordered before our dress rehearsal ended earlier today.

"Mary? This is-"

"I'm Jack, pleased to meet you!" He extended his hand, I accepted it.

"Hi! Jack?" I joined them in the table, reaching for a bottle then opened it. "I'm Mary!"

Joseph grabbed the bottle from me. "You don't drink!"

I haven't tried before. I grew up in a conservative home so yes, what would you expect? "There is a first time for everything." I'm a grown woman now so maybe I should try! And this Jack's presence is annoying me. I need this drink!

Jack grins. "Hey, allow the lady to drink."

"You won't take it, this is not for you." He warns me.

I took a sip. It was the most bitter drink I've ever tasted. How can people love drinking when it tasted this bad? Felt warmth in my throat though. Maybe I should have more? Maybe it will be sweet later? I drank more, it still tastes the same to my disappointment.

"Mary?" What? Is someone calling me?

"What?"

Jack bows his head. "I better get going. I need to finish some tests for my students so?" He leans in to Joseph for a kiss. A kiss! In front of me! I don't want to see this! Why am I seeing this! Look away! Look away! I told myself to shift my glance, but I just can't. I love this pain! Don't stop you two! Why don't you makeout? Feel free to crush my stupid heart!

I didn't realize that I finished the bottle and was holding another bottle of drink. I didn't hear what else they talked about on their way out. I bet they kissed even more when I left! He just got a divorce and yet he already has a man! He got a man before me! I felt some sweat drops on my neck. Is it hot or is it just me? Maybe it's my coat. I placed the bottle on top of the table so I can remove my coat then my dress. Why does it feel so hot? No, no, it's not just hot! It's like I'm burning! Maybe I should turn down the thermostat. Where is the thermostat when I need to adjust it? My vision blurred a little. I can't find the thermostat! What's happening? This heat that I'm feeling, it's different but it felt good. I rubbed my eyes, why is it dark here? And the thermostat! I can't seem to do anything right!

"Mary? What are you doing-"

"Joe?" What is he saying? His mouth is opening and closing but I can't hear a word. Am I dreaming? The moonlight is shining on his side. Oh yeah. This is what dreams look like.

"Gosh Mary! You're drunk already?"

I still can't hear him. "Shhh just-" I placed my index finger on his lips. "Only I will speak." I carefully scanned his face. I think this is one of the most beautiful dream in awhile. Touching his face like this felt so real. Maybe in dreams I could tell him everything I wanted to say. Maybe by confessing and letting it all out then I can move on, right?

Even after all these years,
you are still in my thoughts.

Painted on a set of pure white canvasses in my head, the only place where I can hide myself into time and again.

"I wish I 'll never wake up from this dream Joe." I traced his neck then his chest. I can feel his heartbeat under his shirt. I rested my head on it, loving the sound.

Unable to trace the reality from dreams,
I sink and swim into these canvasses.

"Remember when we were kids? We were always together. Always. And I thought we will stay that way. I've always loved you. I think I will always love you." Wow, in dreams it came out so easily. I would never say these things in reality. "I was always hoping that someday, those amazing blue eyes would look at me. Only me."

Tears fell down on my cheeks. "But you would never, you would never-" only in my wildest dreams can I get this close to him. And it's not every sleeping moment that I get to dream something like this. I cupped his face, kissing him with my eyes closed. I sniffed his neck, he didn't apply a perfume I'm sure, but he smelled naturally minty.

Ask me for whatever,
you know the answer is always a yes.

Draw me closer to your side where my heart will reside.

Allow me to cross the lines to find a haven in your world.

I removed his shirt. Why does this feel so real? I took his hand on top of my chest. "Can you feel it? This is what you do to my heart." As though it would explode!

Unravel and take me all.

Guide me through it and I'm forever be yours.

Rule me over, break me or love me, I'll take it any other way.

Own me as if I'm a part of your own body.

See me with my pair of eyes and you'll figure out how I want you.

I pulled him with me to the bed, his breathing in my ear sounded so real. His hands held my hands, then guided me to move closer as I crawled on top of him, I was on my way to to kiss him again but then my eyes felt heavy. Is this the part where the dream ends? No! I shouldn't wake up from this! If I wake up then this will end! "I love you, only you."

Dance with me through the night or day,
let's soar the same sky.

Neverland is not so far away
we can make it.

I will hold your hand,
be your wind as you are mine,
as you slowly fade into the night blue sky.