A/N: …this is just a one-shot I promise.
Characters might be a little OOC. But honestly, treat it as crack more than fic anyway.
Inspired by AllHailProHeroThirteen04102016's comment over on AO3.
Ichiraku's ramen is glorious. Naruto slurps his noodles with a serene look on his face, eyes closed as he savors the food of the gods. "Maa, Uzumaki-san. Usually you have your partner with you."
Naruto is serene. He is savoring his meal. He is at peace, and life is good.
Kakashi-senpai does not exist.
Three streets down, a building explodes.
Naruto could shame a monk for how calm he is.
Two more buildings explode in quick succession.
Naruto's chopsticks snap, but his face is relaxed and peaceful. He does not open his eyes.
Maybe if he keeps them closed, this will all be a dream.
"Aah, I see. Are you going to deal with that, Uzumaki-san?"
Naruto's eyebrow twitches. He sets down his empty bowl and stands fluidly. He bows as he lays extra money on the bar. "Thank you for the meal."
Kakashi-senpai follows him as he turns and starts walking.
"The explosions were in the other direction." He offers helpfully, but Kakashi-senpai doesn't exist and so Naruto doesn't respond.
"Maa, I know you said I was dead to you before, but isn't this going a little bit too far over a measly little joke~?"
"MEASLY JOKE?" Naruto yells, turning around to face Kakashi. "WHAT PART OF, 'UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU MENTION THIS JOB TO MY PARTNER' DID YOU MISUNDERSTAND?!"
"You don't seem too worried about him."
Naruto groans, half-wanting to just fall to his knees and mourn properly. In the distance, another explosion rocks the city.
"We were doing so well… We set a new record, we finally proved he can go over a month without blowing something up we were going to have a celebration…" Tears start leaking down his face as a month and a half's worth of repressed explosions make their way out.
Now five streets over, Naruto can't bear to look up at the falling debris. "Everything was going so well…" he chokes out, staring down at the street, shoulders shaking.
Well, everything is shaking really.
Naruto's pretty sure that last explosion hit a pipeline because the only other option is that his partner's explosions triggered an earthquake.
Naruto wouldn't put anything past him, of course, but he prays to the kami-sama regardless.
Please, please just let it be a busted pipe.
"Well you can hardly blame me for this," Kakashi says cheerily. "I just thought you wanted to hog the credit for yourself. Everyone knows you want to be Chief. How was I to know you had genuine concerns?"
Naruto growls, glaring at his senpai. "You've known him for TWO YEARS!"
Kakashi shrugs, unrepentant. "Maa, well, he's your partner, so perhaps you should go put a stop to this before he destroys the city. Mm?" He turns away, slipping instantly into the crowd and fading from sight.
Naruto lets one last sniffle out before wiping his eyes, and turning towards the latest explosion.
No one even tries to run away or hide, and that alone speaks to just how common it is. Naruto's shoulders droop as he walks.
The scene that greets him as he arrives is as common as the explosions. His partner cackles as he leaps off a building, dropping two more men onto a growing pile and landing gracefully.
"Got you all!" he crows, grin wide and wild, and the pile of men cringe away, whimpering.
Naruto wants to join them.
"Ru-chan, you made it!"
Naruto glances over to his partner and sighs. "That's coming out of your paycheck, Dragneel."
Behind Natsu, a building collapses with a crash.
The suspects whimper again.
Natsu laughs.
Naruto needs a drink.
"Eh, it always does! So! What did the Chief want these guys for anyway? I totally didn't look at the briefing."
Of course not, Naruto thinks, because why would he ever be foolish enough to expect such a thing? He bites his tongue on a lecture, because lecturing Natsu gets everyone nowhere fast and it's better to just… do damage control.
"Information, actually. So thanks," he puts as much sarcasm into the last word as possible, before crouching down to meet the eyes of Takani Gura, who Intelligence labelled as the 2IC. "Your boss has some eclectic tastes, huh Taka-chan? Would you know anything about 'em?"
Natsu bounces forward, always so ridiculously fond of watching Naruto's skills as an interrogator get put to use. Takani's eyes flicker nervously up toward the pinkette, before he stutters out an obvious lie.
Naruto sighs again.
"Takani-san," he starts, more politely, and offers a friendly smile, "I know you don't like what your boss does. I understand that it might be hard to say so, because he's a brilliant man. Some of his plots…" he trails off, shaking his head, and smiles a bit self-deprecatingly. "He's better than us, that's for sure. But his latest scheme… you have a little brother. I know you can't honestly like the sort of stuff he's started doing, not when you have to go home every day and look your brother in the eye and think about what's happening to those poor kids that are just as young as he is. I'm sorry my partner hurt you, but please. Work with me. For the children, at least?"
Takani doesn't even ask how he knows about the younger brother, and just starts crying. Naruto pulls out a pad and starts taking down information as it comes out one broken sob at a time.
Natsu will say something if there's a lie, though Naruto doesn't think there will be.
"Seriously, how do you do that?! Like, every single time!" Natsu laughs, fingers laced behind his head as they walk back to the station together. "I could watch for a hundred years and never get tired of it, they just melt and tell you everything, all the time!"
Naruto groans. "Maybe next time you could let me talk to them first? Perhaps? Just once in your life?"
Natsu laughs. "But then I wouldn't get to fight them! And then what's the point?"
"The point," Naruto says with a growl, "Is to catch criminals. NOT fight them! That's a last resort!"
Natsu shrugs, tossing Naruto another wild grin.
"But it's more fun this way! I beat em up, and you take the confessions! Ahahaha!"
Naruto facepalms.
What did I do to deserve this sort of partner?!