Chapter 8

A quick trip through her favorite drive-thru meant Stephanie had work to do after dinner. She set her treadmill program for a hilly run and hit the start button. Forty-five minutes later she stepped off the treadmill and peeled her sweat-soaked workout gear from her body. The guilt from inhaling the fried chicken had been obliterated by her workout.

Over the years her initial resistance to exercise morphed into a tolerance for it, and then, surprisingly, into an enjoyment of it. The martial arts training she did was an integral part of her fitness routine. She made it a point to attend several classes at Antiope on a regular basis. It was good for her clients to see that she practiced what she preached, and it was a good way to evaluate her staff. She only used her treadmill when she succumbed to the temptation for fried chicken or the occasional baker's dozen of Boston Crèmes.

She walked into the bathroom on legs that were a little shaky. She'd hoped the exercise would calm the unsettled emotions she'd had ever since she'd imagined Tank was standing behind her, but that hadn't happened. A hot shower was her next best hope.

Dwelling on what had been instead of what she now had was a rarity. Living in the present was a skill she'd had to develop to survive the early years, and now it was the norm, but today she had been remembering things from her past. It was time to shake up her thoughts and after her shower, she'd call Cally. Maybe that would help.

As the first stream of hot water hit her, she reached for the Bulgari shower gel. It wasn't the scent she'd first fallen in love with, but instead was a new offering in the company's gender-neutral fragrance line. It was getting difficult to find the older scent and so she'd opted for another that was reminiscent of it. Another reminder that her old life was only a figment of her imagination now. She poured a generous amount onto her palms and scrubbed her body, head to foot.

When she emerged from the shower the wave of weariness that washed over her seemed as tangible as the stream of warm pulsating water she'd just stepped from. She knew it was too early for bed, but still, her sanctuary beckoned. She pulled an old Antiope t-shirt from her dresser drawer and slid it on. It was her go-to nightwear. She had the traditional satin and lace gowns, but they were saved for the rare times she had company. Men responded to diaphanous fluff with more enthusiasm than they did an oversized black t-shirt.

It hadn't been easy for her. She had needs, but as a single mother with a young child those needs had been relegated to the back of her list. It was only after Cally had left for college that she'd let a man sleep in her bed. Before that, her adult times had been carefully planned, and away from home. As a child, Cally had known that her mommy had had men friends, and Stephanie had been careful to let the men know that's all they'd ever be. Friends. Sometimes with benefits, and sometimes not. There had been only a few, but she'd been lucky in that she'd had developed some lasting, if platonic, relationships.

When Cally left for college Stephanie had started her one quasi-serious relationship. Quasi, because Alan wanted way more from her than she could give. Even after all these years, after all the quiet grief and coping with loss, she was still in love. Most people who knew her knew that her husband had been killed in a car accident before she'd moved to the area. Most understood that she'd lost the love of her life and wouldn't open herself to that kind of hurt again. What no one knew was that the man she still grieved for was not her husband.

She slipped into bed and pulled her tablet and phone from the nightstand. She'd lose herself in the murder mystery she'd been wanting to read and then have an early night. But before that, she'd call Cally.

Stephanie counted the rings. Four. She should have expected she'd have to leave a voicemail. Cally's voice came on the phone and it took her a second to realize it was really her daughter and not a recording.

"Hello, Mom. Are you there?"

"Yes. Sorry, I was getting ready to leave you a message. I didn't realize you were on the line for a moment. Are you busy?"

"Uhm, no. Well, sort of. I'm with a patient, but I have a minute."

Stephanie heard a male voice in the background, muted and indistinguishable. Inexplicably, her heart began to pound. She emitted a low guttural sound, and though it was soft, Cally heard.

"Mom?"

"I'm sorry," Stephanie said. Her voice was breathy, unsteady.

"Are you all right?" Cally asked with some urgency.

"I don't know. My heart is beating so fast. I think I'm…I might be having a panic attack."

"A panic attack?" Cally asked. "I thought you quit having those years ago. Are you alone? Do you need to hang up and call 911?"

Stephanie could hear the concern in her daughter's voice. She took several slow breaths and attempted to calm herself. "Yes, I'm alone, but I'm okay. I think. And you're right. It's been years since I had one." The little hairs on the back of her neck were standing on end. Again, she could hear the murmur of a male voice in the background.

"Is that the TV I'm hearing in the background?" Stephanie asked.

"No, hang on."

There was a muffled silence and Stephanie thought Cally was holding the phone against her body.

"Sorry, Mom. My patient received a phone call just shortly before you called me. I stepped into the next room, so we wouldn't be a distraction to him."

"I didn't realize you worked in the evening," Stephanie said.

"I don't usually," Cally said. "This is kind of a special case. This patient is an outpatient and a friend."

"A friend? A man?"

"A man, but just a friend, Mom. Nothing romantic, so don't start wondering. I'm not ready for that yet. I don't know if I'll ever be."

"I understand. But do you know him well? Is it safe for you?" Stephanie's heart was still beating a rapid cadence. She wanted her daughter home, permanently. She'd had the uncharitable thought, when Ben died, that at least Cally would come home and be safe. That hadn't happened because Cally had been accepted into medical school at Rutgers. It would be better to stay than to come home and start from scratch. Even though she and her daughter agreed on that, she still longed for Cally to be closer.

"I'm completely safe, Mom. Are you sure you're okay? You sound a little shaky. Call Aunt Nora. I don't like to think of you there by yourself if you're not feeling well."

"Really, Cally. I'm fine. I worry about you, that's all. I can't help but do so. I think I just got myself all worked up." The feeling of unease began to calm. She didn't sense her daughter was in danger. But there was something…

"I know," Cally said. "I worry about you, too. Things are good here. I don't want to be short, but this is sort of a bad time. Can I call you tomorrow? We'll talk and make plans. I'm coming home soon, for a long visit."

"Yes, call tomorrow. I'll be at work all day, but I'll be available. I've got news on that front. I'm thinking of expanding to another facility down by the Marina."

"That's great! I will call. I promise. But now, my patient is waiting, so I need to go. Love you, Mom."

They disconnected, and Stephanie let the phone drop from her hand onto the bed cover. When she'd heard the indistinct sound of a man's voice her spidey senses had gone crazy. Was she going crazy? The call hadn't done anything to calm her. Just the opposite.

She'd always told people that her "attacks" were panic induced. But in her heart, she knew differently. There had been times since she gave up her old life that Ranger had seemed very near. She wondered if he was watching over her. The feelings were unsettling to say the least, and they were always followed by times of intense grief for what she'd lost. The only way she could explain it was to say she had panic attacks. It didn't happen very often, and lately it hadn't happened much at all. For a moment, though, when she'd been on the phone with Cally, she'd felt his presence so strongly. Her mind had lingered on the past all day. She thought she'd seen Tank as she left work, and now she felt, actually felt, the presence of Ranger…or of his ghost, she supposed.

There were tears on her cheeks as she pulled back the covers and got out of bed. Her evening of reading and relaxing wasn't going to happen now. Not with her nerve endings zinging like live electrical wires, and her heart beating double time. She didn't want to call Nora. They were as close as sisters, but she didn't want to have to explain something to her friend when she had no explanation for her current state.

Her phone rang, and she grabbed it thinking, hoping, it might be Cally calling back. It wasn't.

"Alan, hi. I thought you were at a family thing tonight."

"I was," Alan said. "My daughter and her mother get on like oil and water. Natalie had some big news to tell us and she wanted both her parents there. I was half expecting her to tell us that she was pregnant, but I was way off. She told us she's dropping out of school to work as a Disney princess. Her mother went ballistic, and frankly, my ex-wife in a fit of temper is something I try very hard to avoid. I excused myself and left early. I wondered if you'd be up for meeting me for a drink somewhere."

It was a timely lifeline and Stephanie grabbed at it. "I would be up for a drink," she said. "I just had sort of an upsetting phone conversation with my daughter, so we might be good company for one another. I was planning on a night in though. Would you want to come here?"

"I'd be happy to," Alan said as Stephanie heard her doorbell ring. Not thinking that all she had on was an oversized t-shirt Stephanie made her way down the stairs and to the door, looked through the peephole, and opened it to a grinning Alan. "I was hoping you'd say yes," he told her.

Alan whistled softly as he took in Stephanie's bare legs. "Going casual tonight?" he asked, grinning even wider.

"Sorry," she said. "Let me go slip into something…less comfortable."

"Please, not on my account," he continued to tease.

Later, after they'd shared concerns about their daughters as well as a bottle of gewürztraminer, Stephanie's earlier anxiety had disappeared. Ranger was no more, and Alan was warm-blooded, a part of her daily life, and he cared for her. She refused to let her thoughts wander to earlier days.

"I'm glad you called," Stephanie told him. "It's nice to have someone to share troubles with."

"You know I like to share more than troubles with you," he said. He was sitting next to her on the sofa and she didn't demur when he put his arms around her and pulled her close. They had been casual lovers for over a year. Alan had made it clear on more than one occasion he'd like their relationship to move to more solid footing, but Stephanie always pulled back.

"Are you going to send me home?" he asked her. "I've been drinking, you know. It might not be safe for me to drive."

"You don't need to use that as an excuse," she said. "I'd like you to stay. It's been a while."

"And whose fault is that, Ms. Williams? I'm a simple accountant. You're the one with the complicated business that keeps you busy."

"Speaking of that," she said. "I'm seriously considering expansion. I want to talk to you about it."

"Now?" he groaned.

"No. Not now. I'll make an appointment. Now isn't the time to talk business."

"I couldn't agree more," he said. He bent his head to hers and kissed her. His kisses were familiar and nice, and if they didn't come with the earth-shattering intensity some of the kisses in her past did, she was comfortable with him. At this point in her life, comfortable was all she wanted. She broke off the kiss and stood.

"Let's take this to my bedroom," she said softly. "We're way too old to be necking on the sofa."

"I don't know about that," he said, nibbling her neck. "But I'll never turn down that kind of an invitation from you."