Beta'd by RhaenaTargaryen on ao3

The sound of his cell phone ringing jarred Jaime awake. Fear raced through him as he reached to answer. Late-night calls were never a good thing, especially when you didn't recognize the ring tone. Last time he had gotten such a call it had been to inform him that his father was dead.

"Hello?" He said groggily.

"Jaime! I need-"

The sound of her panicked voice jolted him awake instantly. "Cersei! Are you alright? Is everyone-?"

"I am anything but alright!"

"What's wrong?" He asked, concerned.

"I'm at the police station!"

"The police station?!" He asked, slightly shocked. Had she been drinking and driving again?

"Yes, the police station! They have treated me terribly here. I will certainly be contacting my lawyers first thing in the morning!"

"Why are you at the police station? Were you arrested again?"

"Obviously."

"I told you you need help! I will go to meetings with you. We can-"

"How dare you! I was not drinking and driving! And I'll remind you, I was only tipsy that time!"

He sighed in defeat. "What were you arrested for, then?"

"This is all the fault of that damned..." In the background cut in the voice of a no-nonsense woman, whom Jaime could only assume was a police officer, "Ma'am, you need to end this call. Others need to use the phone."

"This is my one call. You said one call. You never said anything about a time limit." He heard her reply back. He envisioned her biting her lip and flicking her hair back in that adorable way she always did when she was annoyed.

"Ma'am, tell him what police station you're at and how much you need for bail and end the call," the policewoman stated.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, it's all the fault of that...hey!"

"Cersei Lannister is being held at King's Landing police station. Bring ten thousand in cash if you wish to bail her out," the woman stated.

"You hideous..." were the last words he heard before the call cut out.

He sighed and got dressed as fast as possible. In record time he was in the car.

As he drove to the police station, he tried to think of the bright side. Perhaps she would be put under house arrest again. With her divorce to Robert having gone through months ago it would mean she would be stuck at home. With the kids now grown she would have no one to distract her. He could come over every day and keep her company. They could watch tv, play video games, take silly photos, and have sex. Lots and lots of sex. He nearly grew hard at the thought. Of course, they were supposed to be keeping their distance from each other due to the virus going around, but that had lasted all of four days before he had caved and went to go visit her. She hadn't been practicing social distance at all and had greeted him with a "You took too long." It hadn't taken much for her to forgive him though and they'd had a rather enjoyable night.

Finally, he arrived at the police station.

He went up to the front and spoke to the man at the counter. "I'm here to bail out my sister, Cersei Lannister."

"Take a seat over there. We only have one debooker on duty right now so it may be a while. It will be ten thousand cash. Unfortunately, the bailiff isn't due in for another hour so you will have to wait."

"Hello, Ser." The feminine voice from earlier that had cut in. Jaime turned to look, only to find that the voice belonged to a man.

"Your sister should be released shortly and then the two of you can wait together for the clerk. There are just two ahead of her." Jaime looked at the officer closer. Man? Or woman? He couldn't tell, as the voice indicated one thing. The way it looked, something else.

"Thank you," he said, taking a seat.

A few minutes passed and he grew bored, so he took out his phone. He scrolled through youtube looking for any funny videos to occupy his time. He spotted one that said "Trending" that seemed to have been just posted an hour ago. It was titled "Midget and crazy lady supermarket fight." Curious, he was about to click it when a voice distracted him.

"Well, hello there big woman. I'm here for my one call. I don't suppose that call can be to you?" A tall, bulky red-headed, bearded man with crazy eyes was staring at the officer with a crazy look in his eyes.

"Get on with the call," the officer replied, seeming flustered.

The man made his call, and when he finished he gave the female officer the strangest smile and look that Jaime had ever seen anybody give someone.

"What is he in for?" He asked curiously.

"That is none of your concern."

"Oh come on, humor me officer...I didn't catch your name?"

"Officer Tarth. I suggest you wait quietly."

"Please. My sister has been in here, possibly sharing a cell with that man! As her brother, I am most concerned." 'As her brother and her lover, but this woman? didn't need to know that part.'

"Men and women are kept separate."

"Ah! Still, though, I am concerned. And what could it hurt? I can probably read about it in tomorrow's paper anyway."

"There is no reason to be concerned. But if it will get you to leave me alone, fine. Public indecency."

"Really? What did he do?"

The woman's face got all red. Jaime thought she looked like Donald Trump on one of his worse days. He laughed. "That bad, eh?"

"It was a statue. A bear statue for crying out loud! How could he?! Well, I am sure now that they will fix the hole in it."

He started laughing as a voice called out, "Jaime fucking Lannister!"

"Bronn? What are you doing here?" He asked, confused.

"I'm here to bail out your brother."

"Tyrion?"

"Well fuck who do you think? You have any brothers I don't know about?"

"Watch the language," officer Tarth warned.

"Why is Tyrion here? I came to bail out Cersei."

"Didn't she tell you? It seems the two of them got into a fight at the local supermarket."

"Really?"

"Nah, I came here for the hell of it."

"Well, what in seven hells were they fighting over?"

"Take a lucky guess."

"Toilet paper?"

Bronn laughed. "Your siblings are both full of shit, but no,"

"Hand sanitizer?"

"Wrong again."

"Just tell me!"

"Wine."

"They were fighting over wine? What the hell happened?"

"Fuck if I know. That was all Tyrion had time to tell me. That, and to bring ten thousand in cash with me."

"You have ten thousand? I just brought my MasterCard with me."

"Your Mastercard?"

"You know. Credit card?"

"You can't bail her out with that."

"Why not?" He replied, confused.

"The woman on the phone said cash only."

"Really? Fuck!" He exclaimed loudly.

"If you two could please tone down both the language and your voices. Otherwise, I'm going to have to ask you both to leave," stated officer Tarth.

"Really. But I suppose I can spot you the ten thousand," Bronn offered.

Jaime thought it wise not to ask Bronn why he had so much cash money on him in the middle of the night. The less he knew, the better. "You would do that for me?"

"What else are friends for? Also, I'll be expecting fifty percent interest."

"Fifty percent?! Are you out of your freakin mind?!"

"Maybe so. But that sister of yours won't be out of jail if you don't agree."

"How about twenty percent instead?"

"Hows about twenty-five percent, 5 bottles of hand sanitizer, and two thirty six-packs of toilet paper. I know you have some of both sitting around your pretty little mansion. That's my final offer. I'm too nice. I really should get a damned castle for all I do for you damned Lannisters."

He agreed and the two made small talk for a while before Bronn went to take a piss. Bored once again, Jaime got out his phone and clicked to play the video that he had found moments ago.

"Ser. I'm going to have to ask you to wear an earpiece," officer Tarth started.

Pausing the video he replied, "Didn't bring one. I was kind of in a rush."

Officer Tarth stated, "Then turn your volume down."

"Fine. Fine."

Clicking play he watched as a cart ran down the supermarket aisle at lightning speed. He watched as customers quickly darted out of the way. The back of a blonde woman came into view. She seemed to be chasing the cart. Wait...was that...?

"Come back here you wretched beast!" There was no mistaking that voice. That was Cersei.

The cart continued to run away. Jaime could see now that it was being pushed by a small man...Tyrion?!

In shock, he watched as Cersei caught up to the cart and grabbed the wine bottle out of it.

Tyrion grabbed it back.

"Give me it!" She exclaimed, grabbing for it again.

"I grabbed it first!"

"Only because you're closer to the ground! I saw it first!"

"Sorry sister."

"Don't you sister me!"

He continued to watch as Cersei attempted to grab the bottle. Tyrion wouldn't let go and the two pulled on the bottle. By now several people in the video had stopped what they were doing and were watching the spectacle.

As the two continued to wrestle with the bottle, somehow the cork gave way and wine spilled all over Cersei.

"You little beast! You did that on purpose!"

"No! This is on purpose!" He exclaimed as he grabbed an egg out of the egg cartoon in his cart and threw it at her.

"Arrrgh!" She lunged at him, knocking him into the nearby apple bin. Jaime watched as the apples rolled out and the bin toppled over, taking several other nearby fruit bins with it. At that point, the video cut out.

Finally, just as Bronn returned, an officer came out escorting Tyrion.

"Tyrion. I got your bail money! What happened?" Asked Bronn.

"Cersei and I encountered each other in Whole Foods. There was only one bottle of wine left. I had it in my cart already, so she stole it out and tried to take it for herself. I wasn't having any of that, so I took it back. One thing led to another and here I am."

"Well, I'm glad you're both alright. Really, though Tyrion? A fight over wine? You both need to go to AA," commented Jaime.

"It will be a cold day in hell before I give up my wine."

"Cersei says the same thing. You two have more in common than you like to think," Jaime remarked, earning him a death glare from his little brother.

Twenty awkward minutes later the same officer came out with Cersei.

"Jaime! Pass me the hand sanitizer."

"Well, hello to you too."

"Just pass it! This place is disgusting!"

"I...I'm sorry. I forgot it."

"Gods dammit," she replied. Turning to address officer Tarth, she asked, "how long until the bailiff is here?"

"Unless he is early, another twenty or so minutes."

"Twenty more minutes in this disgusting place?! Ugh," complained Cersei.

"Look on the bright side, dear sister. At least this day cannot get any worse," commented Tyrion.

"That is something we can agree on. It will certainly be better once I am far away from you!"

"Umm, actually," replied Jaime, without thinking.

"What?" Tyrion and Cersei both snapped.

"Nothing," he replied, thinking it would be better if neither of them found out about the video before they left.

"Jaime, gimme your phone. I'll order some wine and have it delivered. Surely, there must be somewhere that has some still in stock," Cersei said. Without waiting for an answer, she snatched the phone out of his hands.

Nervously he watched as she began to play the video. "What is this...who took this! I will sue them into the seven hells!" She exclaimed.

By some miracle, Jaime was able to pay the bail money and get Cersei out without further issue.

Due to the coronavirus, her court date was postponed. When she finally had her court date, winter was coming. She was, in fact, sentenced to house arrest. Jaime greatly enjoyed all the time spent with her.

Twenty Twenty-one was a wonderful year for him. Cersei's house arrest lasted the better part of the year, and a month after it was completed both of them caught corona and only had mild symptoms. They self isolated together.

As for the video? It went viral, peaking at just over twenty-five million views. All of Cersei and Tyrion's attempts to have it removed were unsuccessful.

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