A/N: So for this chapter, I have decided to jump back into the present for a moment that will mainly be focused on Nathan and Haley and their relationship. I know the constant back and forth is confusing but bear with me. Also, I am really sorry for not posting in a while, I have been going through mental health struggles but I thought I would hop back on and post a chapter for you guys. We'll be back into the past next chapter and we'll see everything play out. Enjoy!
"When the sun has set, no candle can replace it."
― George R.R. Martin
Chapter 21
June 20, 2010
Before Haley he liked to consider himself just a little bit broken, the type of broken where it doesn't quite work right but not useless enough to throw it away just yet.
In the grand scheme of things he'd done alright with the hand, he was dealt, especially since it was a shitty one. The point was he'd done the best he could and accepted that his life would be lonely, after all, he was an introvert, and there would probably be little to no love in it.
His mother was a handful, but she was his handful. Most of the time he knew how to react to her sleeping all day, to her getting him out of bed at three AM to go on some sort of adventure that never ended well, to his father ignoring the problem altogether.
It wasn't until he was older than he'd realized it wasn't normal, that his mother was bi-polar and not every six years old missed nearly two weeks of school because their mother decided to go to Niagara Falls. They never made it to Niagara Falls, but they did end up somewhere out west in a town he couldn't remember the name of for the life of him. What he did remember was begging his mother to get out of the hotel bed and to take him home.
That was the first time Deb had been hospitalized. She was out of his life for three months and his dad thought seeing her in rehab would do more harm than good. Of course, in true Dan Scott fashion, there was no talking about it because there was nothing to talk about. Deb was simply away getting help.
When she returned she was better than ever, healthy, happy even. She was on medication for many years and she was diligent about taking the doses when subscribed. At thirteen his mom took another turn for the worse and for a year he did his best to try and be there for her. He thought if he loved her enough that she'd get better again, be the mom who was always eccentric, but extremely lovable.
She didn't. She was sent to rehab again and one day after therapy she stole a key from an orderly and jumped off the top of the building.
Dan didn't know how to talk to him about it, so he didn't, not really.
The summer after his mother's passing he'd spent with his grandfather, trying to love him back to health too. And it'd worked, but only barely. Nathan knew his grandfather only kept his will to live because of him and he'd been grateful, knowing without him and their summer together he'd probably have lost his will too.
He wasn't a people person, a trait he'd been told he was given by said grandfather because his mother loved people. She never quite noticed how awkward situations were and maybe that was why he didn't like people because he'd grown up seeing them react badly to his mother's out-there personality. There were few people he could stand for long periods of time and during the time after his mother died and before he met Haley he'd liked no one.
He'd given up on the world, people, and love until Haley agreed to tutor him. He would always remember the day he got his first Math test back after being tutored by her.
Math was his last class of the day, much to the annoyance of Haley. She hated having to wait all day for him to take the test and hated waiting for him to get the test back even more.
The day of the test she'd found him in between every class to ask him a Math-related question. During lunch, she'd drilled him on equations. Then before the test, she'd walked him to class and just about hyperventilated before he went in. He'd spent the last two minutes before the bell reassuring her he would be fine.
It was the first time someone had so genuinely cared about him since his mother died. He was deeply touched by it and when he walked out of the classroom to find Haley standing there with an expectant look on her face he couldn't help but kiss her almost as deeply as he felt. It was that night he officially asked her to be his girlfriend.
"What did you get? Did you get them back right? She didn't forget, did she? She told me you were getting them back today," she quickly rambled on once he walked out of the classroom at the end of the day.
Nathan couldn't help but grin at his adorable girlfriend. It was an amazing feeling having someone who cared about him and his well-being on a normal basis. The simple things like asking how his day was or texting him in the morning before school to make sure he was going brightened his outlook on life. She cared and she wasn't afraid to show it. She didn't look at him as a pariah like others did after his mother killed herself or think he pulled the heads off squirrels in his spare time since he didn't like talking to anyone or play the high school popularity game. That was one of the more humorous rumours that he'd heard about himself.
"Hales," he tried to stop her, but with no paper in his hands or jump of glee upon seeing her she was convinced it was either no news or bad news. He was still trying to get used to having people to talk to, someone to share the good news with, or bad for that matter. "Haley!" he exclaimed and took her shoulders in his hands in an attempt to stop her.
"We will study harder for the next one, I promise. I've only been tutoring you for like two months and it was your first big test, it's normal to have anxiety-"
He cut her off with a kiss to the lips. Neither of them was huge on PDA, but they didn't act like a couple either. When he pulled away she was blinking and one of those oblivious smiles appeared on her face. "Hales, I got a B."
Her eyes widened at this and threw her entire body into his arms, knocking him back into the lockers. "Nathan! I'm so proud of you!" she squealed in his ear.
He was so happy that he'd made her happy he didn't even care his ear was ringing. "It's your B, Hales. After every question, I heard you in my mind teaching me how to do everything. I think even Ms. Bernard was impressed with me," he informed her as they pulled away.
"She should have been! It's amazing, Nathan, on the next one we'll get an A, I promise," she swore, her arms still around his neck.
Their noses brushed together. "Well, I do spend a lot of time with my tutor, so it could be possible," he commented, making her smile. "But I am happy with a B. I was getting F's before you; I don't need an A to feel accomplished. Your smile is enough for me."
"You're cute," she whispered before kissing him lightly. "How about dinner tonight? On me in honour of your beautiful B?" she questioned.
"How about dinner tonight on me because you're beautiful?" he countered, a grin tugging on his lips.
Red flooded her cheeks. "Tie? I'll pay for you and you pay for me?"
He knew she wasn't used to being called beautiful or gorgeous or pretty much any other adjective besides smart she was embarrassed by. He was determined that one day he could tell her just how unbelievably attractive she was to him and instead of blushing she'd just smile and kiss him.
"I think I can handle that, but you're not allowed to be a girly girl, alright? It's a celebration, you're not allowed to get a salad and you're getting dessert," he insisted.
"Mm, can we get Italian then? I could really go for some pasta," she stated, the smile never leaving her face.
Nathan kissed her cheek. "As long as it's not French,"
So before Haley James, he'd considered himself just a little bit broken because even though he hated the world and most people in it he was still managing alright. But after her, he knew he was broken beyond repair so after a while he'd just simply stopped trying to pick up the pieces. It felt like he'd lost most of the pieces anyways and he'd never be complete even if he tried.
She was the light of his life. Almost every good memory he had contained her in some way. He'd even gotten his best friend through her. It was during times like this that he could no longer ignore the guilt eating his gut, the pain coursing through his heart, and the ache that enveloped his whole being. So he gave in.
It'd been a long time since he gave in. Perhaps a little after his mother died, he supposed, but before he began to plan his re-emergence into Tree Hill, North Carolina.
Maybe he should have just stayed in New York. There was no real happiness there, but there was a routine. He learned to go through the motions, to build some sort of life, even if it was half a life, it was a life he could live with.
But his mother had died and he'd made a promise, a promise he was going to keep this time. Why the fuck did he have to make that promise?
That was how his brother found him, during his binge in the stupid fucking loft he once shared with the girl he couldn't get his mind off of.
"Ah, Nate, what the fuck?" his friend questioned his face already in a grimace at the sight of him. Nathan barely looked at him. "Did you buy a liquor store or something?"
At this, the blue-eyed man raised his glass of scotch. "No, but that would be a damn fine investment, wouldn't it?" he responded in a slight slur.
"Did you go to work today? Or this last week? I thought when you said you were busy you meant actually busy, you know, with your job, and your side project or whatever," Lucas sighed, running a hand through his hair.
Nathan stood and went to the kitchen. "Of course I went to my job, I'm not irresponsible," he insisted, pouring himself another drink. "I drink after work and go to work hungover."
"So this is how it is going to be? You hit your first roadblock with Haley and you're going to give up, drink your problems away, fuck everything up more?" Lucas questioned, walking over to his best friend.
"When I want your opinion on my life and the way I choose to live it I will fucking ask for it," Nathan replied, his eyes dark.
Lucas was used to this Nathan. This was the Nathan he'd nursed back to health after leaving Haley. Brooke thought he was with his mom, but he was really in New York trying to figure out why his best friend ruined the best thing that ever happened to him. It wasn't the real him, the Nathan he knew would do anything for a friend, would lay down his life for Haley, give up anything for her, and that was exactly what he'd done. He fucked up their future because he thought he was saving hers.
With this Nathan, he'd learned how to bring him back from the darkness that Haley had once saved him from. It took time, but eventually, he'd learned and he also knew not to get offended when his best friend said mean things. He would apologize so much later that it would get annoying actually, but he just didn't know how to handle all the dark inside him when he got like this so he drank and gave in to his demons.
"That's the thing about brothers, Nate, we tell you what's going on whether you want to hear it or not. And the truth is you look like shit, you're acting like an asshole, and you are better than this," Lucas informed him.
"I'm better than this?" Nathan laughed into his cup. "I left her at the altar. How did I ever think I could even try to get her back? I don't deserve her back. I don't deserve anything after what I've done," he went on. "So you know what I am going to do? I am going to suffer through this damn contract with Sweeney and then I am going back to New York. Well, there is nothing left for me anymore so maybe I'll go somewhere else. I hear London is nice, do you think that's far enough away from this God forsaken town?" he blubbered on in between sips of scotch.
Lucas shook his head. "So you're just going to give up?" he asked. "You're just going to lose faith in yourself and the future you two could have again?"
"I don't need this," Nathan replied, brushing by him, but before he could reach his friend took the glass from his hand and threw it across the room. "Luke, what the fuck is the matter with you, man?" he demanded, pushing on his chest.
"What the fuck is the matter with me, what the fuck is the matter with you? For months all I heard from you was this big elaborate plan you had to come back to Tree Hill and make everything right with Haley. You talked about it so much it got annoying, but I didn't say one word because I wanted you back, because with the conviction in your voice I knew you could do it. What the hell happen?ed Haley snapped at you and you run away with your balls in your hand because you're fucking afraid to use them," he stated.
"Don't act like you know what I'm going through," Nathan growled.
"I don't know what the fuck you're going through because I will never walk away from Brooke again and I know damn well that when we get married I'm not going to pussy out and run away as you did," Lucas responded.
Nathan took a swing and with his height and muscle advantage Lucas would have probably been knocked out, but Nathan also had alcohol in his system so he had the upper hand.
Lucas grabbed his arm and maneuvered his best friend across the apartment and into the bathroom. He pushed him into the shower, not caring that he tumbled into the tub and could have gotten hurt. He turned the water on and let it drench his fully-clothed best friend.
"Luke! Fuck, it's cold!" Nathan shouted, trying to fight him, but to no avail.
"Good, this is your wake up call," Lucas stated, trying to restrain his drunken friend. After another minute he slapped the water off and Nathan wiped his face with his hands. "You need to stop feeling so goddamn sorry for yourself and start trying to get your girl back. Because this Nathan is not one that Haley would love," he said and tossed him a towel.
Nathan didn't move from his position. "I don't think there is a Nathan she would love," he murmured, resting his head on the tile.
"That's bullshit. I think you're more scared of having this plan of yours work than you are of it failing," Lucas said, sitting on the edge of the basin. "Shit's never gone well for you. That is why when given the chance to run you took it, even if you immediately regretted it. I know you, you thought seven years was a good run and decided to live the rest of your life alone and miserable if it meant Haley could have an amazing life," he went on. "But you were fucking wrong. There is no amazing life for her without you."
"I want everything back the way it was but it never will be like that again. Even if I-" he stopped himself. "She deserves so much more than me. I've spent the last two years trying to make myself into something worthy of her and I'm still not even close."
Lucas nodded. "You're probably right. But I think that's how it is supposed to work. If you think you deserve her you don't. I sure as hell know Brooke is better than me. I thank God every day that I get to wake up next to her. I think it's time you wake up in the morning to more than an empty bed, don't you?" he asked.
The man in the tub was quiet, shrugged after a minute, still unsure of himself.
"Do you remember what you said to me after Dan first came in to contact with me in high school?" he'd finally spoken up after a few moments.
"I sure as hell didn't throw you into a cold shower," Nathan grumbled, drying his face.
"You said that we wouldn't be us if we didn't believe in second chances," Lucas began again. "By then I'd already fucked up with Brooke and she'd taken me back and you were with Haley, thinking you might actually have a future beyond your introverted lifestyle with friends and a girl you loved," he went on. "So I went to Montecito and for the first time in my life I had a family, real flesh and blood family." Nathan nodded, not saying anything. "And I didn't know what I wanted to do because I loved Brooke but I loved my mom too. Do you remember what you told me then?"
Nathan leaned against the tile wall. "I told you that the real saying of 'blood is thicker than water' was 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb' which means that sometimes the relationships forged by choice can hold a deeper meaning than those of biology. That even though you found your real family, you had a family here too because I considered you my brother."
Lucas nodded. "And I decided to stay here and visit my mom on and off during the year because you're a brother too. You are my family, Nate, and I am not going to stand by and watch you fuck up more of your life. I wasn't there to stop you when you walked out two years ago, but I am going to stop you from going down this path now," he stated. "So you need to get off your fucking high horse and fight for her because if you really want her that is what you're going to have to do."
"What if she doesn't want me?" Nathan asked quietly, refusing to meet his brother's eyes.
"Are you more scared that she won't or that she will?" Lucas countered. "You once told me that Haley saved you from the darkness of your past, right?"
"Do you remember every fucking thing I say?" Nathan asked, getting a little annoyed.
Lucas laughed. "The important shit, yeah, don't you listen to me?" They both smiled at each other a little bit.
"Yes, I remember," Nathan said to appease him.
"Well, it's your turn to save her from the darkness of hers and unfortunately, that darkness was caused by you," Lucas stated. "She does love you, Nathan, and you have to show her those baby blue eyes she loves so much, takes your shirt off, and do whatever it was you did that made her do that weird yelping thing we all heard through the walls to remind her."
To this Nathan couldn't help but laugh. "When did you get so philosophical and shit?" he wondered.
"Brooke makes me watch chick flicks a lot and dealing with a girl who has so many emotions makes you learn real fast about the other sex or you fight way too much, plus those Steinbeck books come in handy," he answered honestly.
"You've always been able to read Brooke though," Nathan mentioned as he let out a deep breath.
"And you've always been able to get through to Haley, whether she closed herself off because of her parents or school or whatever. You were the only person who was ever able to break her down so it's time you remember that," Lucas insisted.
"You're seriously scaring me, you know," he replied. "Like, you're becoming Yoda of dating and relationships in a weird way."
"I have ulterior motives," Lucas told him, shrugging nonchalantly. "My life would be so much easier if you were back in the clan and my sex life would be better too."
Nathan nodded in understanding. He knew he asked a lot of his brother in the past two years, the secrets and lies he had to harbour; it could not have been easy on his relationship.
"And I can't have a wedding where my bride hates the best man," he added on.
Nathan groaned. "Fuck," he swore before turning the cold water on again as his best friend laughed at him.
He was never one for cemeteries, even after his mother died.
For a long time, he was mad at her and didn't want to see her. A lot of the time death isn't chosen, it chooses you, whether it be cancer, old age, an accident. It wasn't that way for his mother. She chose to give up, to leave him alone in a world he didn't understand, to never be able to be at his graduations, wedding, or any other big life events.
It wasn't until Haley that he visited his mother's grave. It was the second time since her funeral he'd been to it.
The first time since the funeral was after his first "confrontation" with Lindsey. To him, if his mother hadn't given up Lindsey wouldn't have been in his life and he wouldn't have to deal with the hell he was living in. He'd been so upset he used his keys to carve his own name above hers because it felt like he'd died with her, especially after Lindsey. It was like a piece of him died every time he had to be inside her and for a long time, he blamed his mother.
Haley changed it for him. Of course, she had been right. By never talking about his mother's death, his anger, he was stuck in time with it, never really moving on from it. When he started being physical with her he began to move past the Lindsey debacle but never quite dealt with his mother's death. She'd made it safe for him to open up about it.
For hours they'd sit in her room barely talking, music playing the background, the house empty. She'd told him he didn't have to say anything at all, there was no pressure, but if he ever felt ready to just start. She told him to take his time because she wasn't going anywhere, but if he wasn't going to talk his anger wasn't going anywhere either. And if he didn't want to talk she was fine with cuddling with him, kissing him on and off, and just enjoying his company.
It took three attempts before he just started talking and once he'd started it was like he couldn't stop. He told her everything, the good times and bad, the hellish adventures he'd been on and the ones that went well. She'd held him tight at the right times and offered her shoulders during others. Not once did she make him feel bad about his feelings, she'd just listened and when he was done she told him she loved him. Then she got out of bed and asked him to follow her.
They ended up at the cemetery. She took him to his mother's grave and told him to tell his mom how he felt. At first, he'd felt stupid talking to a wall with his mother's name on it, but it'd helped. What also helped was him punching that wall twenty minutes into it. It took a long time but eventually, he'd come to peace with his other's passing, understanding that she didn't want to leave him, that she was sick in her own way and he had to realize that.
After that, he'd visited the cemetery every few months just to talk, sometimes with Haley, but often without. He hadn't been to visit since before he left Tree Hill, before the wedding, before everything.
So a few nights later when he felt restless in his apartment he decided to take a walk and ended up staring at his mother's name engraved in the stone, his own still etched above it. In a way, he liked that his name was above it because Nathan was dead. He'd become a better Nathan with time, with Nathan and friends, he was someone his mother would be proud of.
The Nathan he was now probably not so much.
"Hey, Mom," he greeted his hands in the pockets of his dark jeans. "I'm sorry it's been-" he stopped. "I'm fucking everything up Mom," he whispered a few moments later. "Dad always said that was what I did best, not in those words though, you know him and swearing. If I say 'suck' he still reprimands me," he continued to think out loud.
A knot formed in his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. It was times like this he needed his mother. He needed to talk to her, advice from her, that motherly hug she was so good at, even when she couldn't get out of bed she'd always hugged him.
"Do you remember how before school you used to hug me? But it wasn't a normal hug, it was long and motherly and it was always that way before school. If I missed that hug you would be so upset with me and I asked why one day," he began to ramble. "You said that the rest of the world wasn't like me, that I was sensitive and kind-hearted and people could be really mean, especially kids. So before school you'd give me that long hug for strength and send me off into the unknown," he went on. "I just could really use one of those hugs right now, Mom."
The silence around him was deafening, just a reminder that he'd never get a hug like that ever again. The only one who had ever come close was Nathan.
"I don't know what to do. I thought if I came back and saw her that she'd- I'm so stupid. I left her. I left her, I promised her I'd never do that, that I'd never turn my back on her like her family always did and I- I'm not that sensitive and kind-hearted boy anymore, Mom. I'm the person you used to wish I'd never get hurt by. God, if you were here you never would have let me leave that morning. I would be married right now, I'd be happy," he choked on his last word and placed his hands on either side of her name.
He focused on breathing so he wouldn't get too emotional.
"I need to be that man you knew I could grow up to be, the man Haley was in love with. I need to try, I need to believe that I can fix this," he began a few minutes later. "I just don't know-how. I thought- I don't know what I thought. How do you plan to make the girl you valued more than your own life fall in love with you again? The girl you'd hurt so much you don't even know if you deserve a second chance?" he stopped and sighed. "I need her, Mom, even if she can only let me back into her life as a friend I'll take it. I need her or I'm not me, at least not a me that you'd be proud of. She makes me better; she brings out all the qualities in me you loved the most."
His thumb rubbed the M in Mother underneath her name.
"So I am going to fight like hell for her. It's going to be hard and I'm going to get shot down and hurt because her verbal lashings are legendary. But I have to do it because I promised Dan and I don't know if I can handle disappointing him, you, and Haley. I need to follow through with one of my promises to make up for others. If there is one thing you showed me it was how to love and I am going to do my damnedest to love her enough for the both of us until she can attempt to really love me back again," he promised.
After another few minutes, he'd left the cemetery, having gotten too emotional and sat down on a bench outside of the iron gates. He wasn't ready to go home to the loft. It was torture living there, but it was the kind of torture he felt he deserved. Sometimes before he opened his eyes in the morning he forgot. He'd roll over to Haley's side and want to nestle into the crook of her neck and gently wake her with soft kisses. She once told him it was the best possible way to wake up. Her hand would thread into his hair and a light moan would make her neck vibrate. That soft moan did too many things to his body in the morning.
He'd rolled over almost every morning since he'd moved into the loft to wake Haley that way only to find cold sheets and disappointment.
He rubbed his eyes and rested his face in his hands. How did he manage to fuck everything up so much? He had everything, everything with her, and without her, he felt as if he had nothing.
"Nathan?"
His neck snapped to look at the voice.
"Haley," he grunted, clearing his throat. "I- um, what're you...? I mean, hi," he greeted. It was the one person he'd wanted to see, the one person he knew could help ease the pain his mother's death that he would always carry.
She approached him wearing a gold fancy dress, her hair perfectly styled, a purse in her hand. "Visiting your mom?" she questioned, ignoring the formalities. He didn't blame her, he was lucky she was even speaking to him.
"Uh, yeah. It was more intense than I thought it would be," he answered, doing his best to stay composed. "You look beautiful, I mean-"
"Thank you," she cut him off. "Work thing, the mayor was holding a fundraiser, my parents were there too," she filled in his blanks.
He grinned. "Sounds like a fun time," he chuckled. She bit her lip and hid a smile. Encouraged he asked, "Want to sit?" Wordlessly she sat. He wondered why she was bothering with him at all after their last meeting, after everything he'd put her through. It was probably that he was upset over his mom. "Hales, I- I am so sorry," he finally apologized.
She looked over at him, eyes wide. "For?"
"Everything I've done. I'm sorry for leaving you, for not giving you any answers, for keeping secrets and trying to be covert about what I was doing and why I was doing it. I'm not James Bond, I mean, I'm pretty boring and you deserve every answer to any question you ask without any hoops," he explained.
They were both quiet for over a minute. "Thank you, for apologizing," she eventually spoke up.
"I'll say it every day, every hour if that is what you want. It's what you deserve. You never deserved anything I did to you, anything bad I mean. I'd say I'm sorry to you every minute if it'd help you forgive me," he responded.
"But it won't," she whispered.
He nodded, knowing this to be true. Lucas was right, he had to try for her, not just wait for her to fall into his arms because that was not going to happen. "I know it won't, but you needed to hear it. I'll say it as many times as you need, Hales."
She nodded this time. "I want answers, Nathan, but I don't know if I'm ready for all of them yet," she admitted.
"Ask what you want. I'll answer," he replied, looking over at her. "Right now if you'd like."
Haley looked right back at him. "Why did you come back?"
It didn't surprise him she wanted answers right then. "For you," he answered easily and honestly. He was done trying to be cool with the whole thing. It was time to be real. "I messed everything up, but my feelings for you were never something that wavered."
She looked down, happy he hadn't said the words, the three words she was sure she would break down upon hearing. "Why now?"
"I finished my degree, I sold my dad's house, finally, it was time," he told her. "I've been trying to make myself into something better, something worthy of you, something your parents would approve of. I don't know," he mumbled on.
"I didn't need you to be anything more than you were," she whispered. "I didn't care if you were an NBA player or a sports agent for the rest of our lives as long as you were happy," she insisted.
Nathan nodded. "I know." She couldn't even look at him. "Because I don't think I could stay away from you any longer," he added on quietly, trying not to sound too vulnerable even though with one bad word she had the power to devour his soul right then and there. And he'd probably deserve it.
"I'm sorry your dad died," she apologized a few moments later. He looked over, wide-eyed. "Rachel told me."
He nodded. Haley would have found out about his interactions with Rachel sooner or later. "Thank you. And don't be mad at Rach, I made her not tell you we were speaking," he insisted.
"I know. She told me. I'm not mad. She was trying to help me," Haley murmured.
Nathan let out a long breath. "He left me the house but asked me to sell it. They owned it so I got a profit; it was what he wanted for me. He knew I wouldn't put him in a home no matter how difficult it got," he explained.
Suddenly she stood. "Thank you for answers, Nathan," she said softly, still refusing to meet his eyes.
He stood with her, grabbing her hand before she tried to walk away. "I'm going to fight for you Haley," he told her. "I don't care if it takes years; I am going to fight for you. I am going to do my best to make things right with you. I'm done running away with my tail between my legs. It's time I face this like a man and answer to you like one as well. I will answer any question you have but know that the one question you're dying to ask will hurt you and the blame won't all be on me, though I do carry a big share of it. I just want to warn you," he said.
Haley looked down, unable to even see his face during the admission. "Nathan, I-"
"I know you're not ready for a lot, to hear how I feel, to be around me for long periods of time, and I'm not going to push for now. But I am here, Haley," he cut her off and hooked a finger under her chin so she had to look at him. "I am here and I am not going anywhere until I feel like there is absolutely no hope for us, none at all, even if that means staying here for years and seeing you marry another man. Only then will I truly give up, but honestly then I will probably still wait around and at the first sign of marital trouble I'll be there," he stated.
For some reason she laughed, her eyes watering, knowing he was being truthful. She could just imagine having a blow out with her "husband" only to find Nathan at the door with a teddy bear and his puppy dog eyes. That was a sight she didn't know if she could resist.
A tear slid down her cheek as she simply nodded in response to him, unable to form words, too shocked to form a real answer.
He lifted his free hand to wipe it away and stepped closer to her. "I'm here, Haley, so when you're ready for answers I'm ready to give them. But until then I'm going to try and win you back."
She let out a shaky breath and sniffled. "I-I have to go home. I, um, meeting a client tomorrow," she whispered.
"Do you want me to walk you?" he questioned.
She shook her head. "No. I- it's only a few blocks."
Nathan nodded, dropping his hold on her and stepped back to give her space. "Have a good night, Hales. Good luck with that client tomorrow."
Haley turned around and walked away, overwhelmed with everything he'd told her, everything she felt, and how confused she was. She was so mad at him for the last two weeks, pissed he was keeping things from her, for what he did, everything. Then just seeing him so upset and with a few nice words it was like it melted away.
The things Nathan Scott could still do to her.
But she couldn't help but think that the Nathan back there at the bench, that was the Nathan she knew and it was nice to speak to him again.
Haley could count the number of times Nathan was formally invited over to spend time with the James's on her hand. The number of times he snuck over, however, shall be left unknown to her parents.
She shook her head as if to rid the thoughts of Nathan. She did not need to get in that state of mind in her parent's house.
Was this her home? Were these her parents? It felt like a parallel universe.
So the sudden onslaught of compliments heading her way was very welcoming, but also unsettling. Did they have an ulterior motive? Were they going to lecture her about her job again?
"I can't keep it in anymore, I'm getting married!" Quinn suddenly announced before holding her left hand out like there was a spotlight on it.
And there it was. She felt her heart stop, her lungs no longer knew how to do their job, and she sat beside her mother without saying a word.
They were trying to make her feel good before dropping the bomb on her. Quinn was engaged. They knew, at least her parents knew. It was the whole reason for this dinner.
"Haley, aren't you happy for your sister?" Jimmy questioned, his eyes flicking from sister to sister.
Haley put on her best fake smile and stood to hug the girl. "So happy. Congratulations, Quinn," she whispered and tried to keep the memory at bay.
"I am so proud of you, Hales," her boyfriend said once again as they ate the picnic lunch in the bed of his truck overlooking the town that was Tree Hill. He had picked her up after the last final of her undergraduate career and brought her home, per her request. She didn't graduate for another week and wanted to spend some time with her friends before heading back to pack up her apartment and do other last minute things.
She smiled and finished chewing the bite of her sandwich before answering. "That means the most coming from you," she whispered. "You've helped me through so much, Nathan, I feel like you should get a degree in dealing with me all these years."
He grinned at her. "You make it sound like work. It wasn't. I'd do anything for you, Haley James."
"Well, obviously Nathan Scott," she replied and he grimaced at his middle name. "Hey, you broke out the last names, buddy, no complaining," she reminded him and he smiled softly. "But I'm serious Nathan, you practically lived at Stanford with me and put so many miles on this truck I have no idea how it is still in commission. You dealt with my school craziness, my family, my friends-"
"Haley, Haley, stop," he urged. "I love you; I never minded making the trip out to see you. I mean, you had your own place so it wasn't like there was any sort of hassle. I can deal with your family and your friends are my friends, okay? There is nothing about you I would change, so don't make it sound like being with you has been some type of chore when it absolutely wasn't. I love you."
"How the hell did I end up with you?" Haley questioned, smiling widely.
She honestly didn't know what she would have done without the boy for the last six years. God, they'd been together for six years already? It seemed like yesterday she was tutoring him.
He had done so much for her. Taken local basketball contracts near her college just to be with her. Picked up and left Tree Hill at a moment's notice if she called him with any kind of problem. He made her live her life, not just suffer through it to impress her parents or feel good enough to be considered a James. He made her feel alive.
"I ask myself that same question every day," Nathan admitted. "I thank God every day you chose me."
"I don't like to think of it that way," Haley stated. "I like to think that fate chose us. That you needed a tutor right when I was available to be it." She had needed more extracurriculars at the time to build up her college application and tutoring had been approved of by her mother.
"I'm going to make you into a romantic yet, Hales," Nathan sighed and kissed her soundly on the lips. "Now, I had more of a reason than to just celebrate the end of the first part of your college career with this picnic," he informed her.
"To celebrate that I am going to law school at Duke so we can live together? Because once I have that degree in my hands I get my trust fund and am out from underneath my parent's thumb?" she questioned excitedly.
"Partly," he answered with a nod, smiling at her enthusiasm. "But did you notice what kind of food I brought to this picnic?"
Haley looked down at the simple sandwiches and chips. "Um, no? Sorry," she laughed.
"Remember when you told me how you ran away when you were little?" he asked. "You made a-"
"A chicken salad sandwich," she finished for him. "You made me a chicken salad sandwich because...?" she trailed off, a bit confused as to where this was going. "You want to run away together?"
Nathan shook his head. "No, not exactly," he answered and got on his knee in front of her in the bed of the truck. Haley's eyes widened. "Haley, I don't want to run away together. I did this as a kind of metaphor. I want to marry you, Haley James. I wanted this to be a metaphor for you leaving your family and joining mine. Well, just me, I suppose. I know you don't want to get married until you finish law school and I am fine with that, but I want you to know that this is what I want. You are what I want. I don't care if it takes me across the country or we end up in this town for the rest of our lives. I want nothing more than to marry you, Hales. And I know this probably isn't the way you envisioned someone proposing to you, but-"
"Oh, just do it already Scott!" she interrupted, tears coming down from the corner of her eyes.
Nathan shook his head at her with a smile and removed a ring box from his pocket. "Will you marry me?"
Haley nodded and catapulted herself in his arms so hard he fell backwards on the blankets in the bed of the truck. "Yes, yes I will marry you!"
It didn't matter if he proposed to her in some extravagant way. That wasn't Nathan and that wasn't their relationship. But this... this was a perfect way and she couldn't be happier.
Dinner had been hard to get through. Quinn went on and on about the wedding she was already planning and spoke of trying on their mother's dress to see how it looked on her. Lydia was ecstatic and the two raced upstairs to test it out.
Jimmy had welcomed David into the family with a hug and some of his best scotch. The two had been engrossed in the heavy conversation since.
Quinn was engaged. Haley had been engaged twice already. David was being welcomed into the family by Jimmy.
Quinn was already planning and her mother was right on board. Her parents weren't on board with her engagement but eventually had accepted it.
It was why she hadn't even told her parents they'd decided to get married early. Originally she'd wanted to wait until after law school, but the summer before her last year she'd just asked Nathan in bed one night.
"I wanna spend the rest of my life with you," Haley whispered with her eyes closed.
Nathan's finger was doodling on the small of her back as they cuddled in bed. "You're going to," he replied just as softly. "I think the proposal was the promise of that."
"No, right now," she corrected him.
"Hales, are you being serious?" he asked, his hand stopping, his voice rising to a normal tone.
She slowly opened her eyes. "I want to marry you, Nathan. This summer. I can change my name at school next semester and graduate as Haley James Scott," she assured him.
"Is this just about not being a James anymore?" he questioned.
That was something they had spoken about. He assumed that since she was a post-modern feminist, as she was frequently insisting, that she would just want to keep her last night, not that he minded. She told him that it was probably true, but she wanted to be a Scott. He was a Scott and the best person she knew, so kind and caring and sweet and everything in between.
He was a Scott and so she wanted to be one too.
"No. It's about not being able to wait anymore," she assured him. "I want to marry you, Nathan. I don't want to wait because my parents would prefer it that way or it's the responsible thing to do, I don't know. You make me spontaneous and do crazy and this is that to me. I want to do this."
Nathan looked over her face and then nodded slowly. "I only was waiting because that was what you wanted. If you want to get married this summer just give me a tux, a date, and a time," he stated.
Haley smiled. "I want it to be intimate. I want it to be just us and friends," she told him.
"As in our parents aren't invited or they don't know?" he asked hesitantly.
"Both," Haley answered. "Neither of our families have been supportive of us or even treated us well. Do you really want to bind our lives together for eternity with Dan in the pews staring at you?" she asked and he looked at her pointedly. "Metaphorically, of course."
"No. You're my family, Lucas, the girls, they are my family although I'm not sure Lucas likes me all that much," he told her.
"Lucas likes you and accepts you and approves of you. You just happened to deflower me, his little sister in a way," Haley cut in. "He's kind of protective."
Nathan smiled. "He's more than kind of protective, Haley, but I don't mind. You deserve nothing more than a best friend who wants the best for you," he insisted. "I just- I am happily marrying you tomorrow at City Hall or something. I just want to make sure this is something you truly want, not just something you're saying after mind-blowing sex," he admitted.
"'Mind-blowing?' You really think you're that good?" she teased, squeezing his cheek a little bit.
"Uh, do you want me to turn around so you can see the scratches on my back? Or how about we tape it so you can see how much you tend to scream. I mean-"
"Nathan, I was kidding!" she laughed, covering his mouth. "You're amazing in bed, the best ever and I'm not just saying that 'cause I have nothing to compare it to. I'm saying it because it's more than sex. It's making love and all that other girly crap," she told him.
He smiled and kissed her on the lips softly. "Thank you. You're right. I am amazing in bed," he agreed and she punched him lightly. "Don't worry, you're right up there with me, you're the best too."
"Thank you. Back to the point. Yes, I am sure I want this. I want to marry you. I don't care if it's at City Hall or at a beach with one of our friends officiating because that would certainly be interesting," she laughed and he did too. "I just want to marry you and only do it in front of those who love us and love us together."
Nathan nodded. "Then let's do it."
She figured it was time they talked and she couldn't think of a better, more private place than her parents' beach house. Her apartment or the loft would be too awkward, and she didn't want it to be entirely public either.
"Hi," Nathan greeted while shoving his hands into his pockets. It was hard to resist the urge to touch her. Keeping his hands confined seemed like the best solution.
Haley nodded curtly in return. "I just want to let you know that I only wanted to meet you here. We're not going to go inside or anything, that isn't what I asked you here for."
"Its fine, Hales, I figured that," he said with a nod. "I'm just glad you called," he admitted.
"It's been almost two weeks, I thought we should talk," she responded. "I know you called Brooke when you left after- I just wanted to say thank you."
Nathan shook his head. "Not necessary. I wish I could have done more. My plans for coming back haven't changed, Haley, I was just trying to give you time. I need you to know that," he told her.
"Nathan, I- I don't know where we stand," she started honestly, trying her best to stay calm and not get worked up. It took everything in her to not call this off. It had to be done and done now. "But I do know I am done with my family, all of them, I thought you should know that. I went to my dad the day after and confronted him. He didn't say sorry. He still thinks he is right. It wasn't me he was trying to protect, it was the James name, and that is what makes it so much worse."
"And your mom? Did she know?" he asked, looking into her eyes.
"No," Haley answered. "But she called a few days later. Said my dad was just trying to do what he thought was best. She is standing by him and I don't know if I can forgive that either," she explained. "I wasn't seventeen when they did this; I wasn't some teenager in love and trying to run away with you. We were in our twenties, we had made a life together and-" she stopped. She couldn't get worked up. She had more to say.
Nathan stepped closer. "Hales-"
"Please don't," she whispered, wiping her face. "What we had was real; it wasn't just hormones and the fact they tried to reduce it to that really hurts."
He just nodded in response with his hands in fists in his pockets.
"My whole life my parents have forced me into things, clubs, extracurriculars, whatever it took to make me look good on paper," Haley began when she managed to control herself again. "They always thought they knew what was best for me when in most cases they never did because they didn't know me. And being with you is the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me look good in real life too if that makes sense. You made me have fun and cut class and be spontaneous and I will be forever grateful for that."
Nathan shook his head. "No, I am not letting you do this," he spoke up. His hand found its way into his hair on it's own volition as he angrily pulled at it. He couldn't let her do this, it wasn't an option.
"You don't even know what I'm going to say," she responded.
"I know it sounds like you're thanking me for just being a chapter in your life. That is not what I am, Haley, and I am not going to let you finish me off like that," he stated.
"At least I would be giving you a goodbye!" she exclaimed, her voice cracking.
"It wasn't like that, I thought-"
"I know what you thought and it wasn't right!" she cut him off. "You of all people should have known that my parents do not know who I really am. They couldn't tell you when I stopped believing in Santa Clause, what really happened when I broke my middle finger in second grade, or what the name was of the outdoor cat I adopted without them knowing when I was eleven-"
"Simon. You named the cat Simon," Nathan broke in. "Then Quinn found out and told your parents so they had him taken to the animal shelter," he explained. "You cried for a week."
Haley nodded with tears in her eyes.
He stepped closer. "And you broke your finger in second grade by punching Jack Morris in the nose, or at least trying to, for calling Peyton fat," he went on. "Something he won't admit to, probably even today, even if his nose does curve a little to the left." He was right in front of her now, his hands resting on her waist. "And you stopped believing in Santa Clause when you were nine because personally delivered a letter to the post office addressed to him asking for only one thing that year. You didn't let anyone read it because you were ashamed of what you wanted. And when you didn't get it you knew he wasn't real."
"Nathan, don't do th-" she was full-on crying now, but Nathan shook his head and cupped her face.
"The one thing you wanted was to be closer with your sister and for your parents to stop comparing you to her," he finished and brushed the tears rushing down her face. "But when you woke up and found that they had already given Quinn her surprise trip to Washington DC, one of the presents she was begging for, you knew he wasn't real. Especially when they said you should want more practical gifts like her, ones that would be beneficial to your future, even if you were only nine."
Haley sniffled, looking him in the eye and nodded.
"I know you, Haley, I love you, and I am not going to let you close the book on me," he murmured, brushing their noses together. "I tried that two years ago for what I thought was all the right reasons, but it wasn't."
"No, it wasn't," she agreed, grabbing onto his middle. "You weren't any better than them by thinking you knew what was best for me without asking me what I wanted."
"I underestimated you, I know that, and I never will do that again," he promised.
"You underestimated us, Nathan, and that hurts more," she replied with her voice low.
He nodded. "I know and I am sorry for that," he apologized. "And I am never going to do it again, that is why I will never give up now. Whether you can admit it or accept it we still love each other as much as we did then and I am trusting in us this time. I am trusting that even though what I did was horrible and broke you that we can somehow get past it because we make each other happier than anyone else can."
"Nathan," Haley whispered and finally broke from his hold. "I came here today to tell you that I don't know where we stand because not only did you act like my parents by making decisions about me without me, you also took money from my father to do it."
"Haley, it was never about the money," he insisted, his voice sounding pleading.
"But you still took it and you still left and it took you two years to come back," she reminded him. "I don't know how to go about handling that."
"I don't know either, but we can do it, right? We can get past it, we love each other-"
"We could have gotten past my dad's threats because we loved each other, but you didn't believe that, did you?" she countered, tears still running down her face. "So I came to give you this," she whispered, handing him the velvet box tucked into her jacket.
Natha took the ring box, not having to look inside to know what it was. His mother's engagement ring, Haley's engagement ring, she was giving it back to him. "Haley, I don't want this. I still want to make good on all those promises I made when I proposed," he croaked.
"And on that day I think I fell in love with you all over again," she admitted with a smile brightening her face. "When you made me a chicken salad sandwich and metaphorically asked me to run away with you, to leave my family and join yours," she continued while nodding. "That meant so much to me because I would finally have a family that loved me for who I was, for all that I was, and would never turn their back on me because above all that person was you. But you turned you back on me too, Nathan."
"Haley, no, I thought you would turn your back on me. I was wrong, I know that, but the one person I could never have walked away from me was you. It would have killed me. It still will and I am here now. I know it took two years but I am here and I am not going anywhere," he frantically promised once more.
She nodded and took one of his hands in both of hers, unable to watch him in pain without doing something to comfort him. Seeing him hurting was one of her greatest weaknesses. He was so kind that hurting him should have been a crime, even if it was her doing it.
"When I believe that I know it will change things for me. But right now I don't know what to believe," she whispered. "I don't know what to believe will happen in the future. I am still trying to come to terms with what happened in the past."
Nathan visibly swallowed and nodded before wiggling his hand out of her grip. "I get it."
"I need more time to figure things out," Haley repeated.
"But you still don't know if you want..." he couldn't say the words only for her to say no to him.
"I need time, Nathan," she said again.
"I'm still not giving up, even if you don't want," he stated definitely, yet still unable to say it out loud. "I told you I am going to fight for you and I am. But if you need time I will give it to you."
For some reason, she smiled. "I wouldn't expect any less from you, Nathan Scott."
"Good. That means you're expecting things out of me at all," he replied one of his famous grins on his face. "I'm not going to let you down again, Haley, I refuse to."
She shook her head and turned to get into her car. Only he could make her smile right then. There was just something about that boy and that motel.
"You're hardly eating any of your pasta, are you feeling okay?" Brooke questioned a few days later.
Haley nodded earnestly as she continued to move the noodles around on her plate. "Yeah, I'm fine," she assured her friend. "Thanks for inviting me over," she added with a smile.
"Well you've been really depressed lately, so I thought if anyone needs the best Italian food in town it was you," she replied sounding more chipper than ever.
"Thanks, B," Haley laughed before taking a bite of her lunch.
"Sorry, but you have been! I just thought your favourite food and some girl time-"
"Oh, thanks," Lucas spoke up from his place on the couch behind them where he was set up playing video games and eating.
Brooke rolled her eyes. "Might make you feel better."
"I'm fine, Brooke, really," Haley insisted and forced another smile.
"Are you ready to talk about your meet up with Nathan the other day?" Brooke asked, twirling her Alfredo noodles on her fork.
"You met up with Nathan the other day?" Lucas broke in again, but this time his mouth was full.
Brooke turned. "Are you just going to listen to everything we say?"
"Uh, yeah," Lucas answered like it was a dumb question. "You met up with Nathan? What happened?" he asked Haley.
"Don't you two talk? You're supposed to be best friends," Brooke said before Haley could speak.
Lucas stood and went for the kitchen. "We are, but we're not girls. We don't share everything."
"Please, have you met Nathan? He's more of a girl than Haley is," Brooke replied.
"Hey!" Haley muttered with her bottom lip out.
Brooke laughed. "Sorry, but I recall Nathan crying during The Notebook and not you," she reminded her.
"Hey, if it said something flew into his eye, then something flew into his eye," Lucas called out while his head was in the fridge.
Brooke huffed this time. "Hey, this is an A and B conversation, you can C your way out of it," she stated.
Lucas went back to the couch with his drink refilled without a word. Brooke seemed satisfied.
"I'm fine since seeing Nathan, by the way," Haley finally answered. Both Brooke and Lucas turned to look at her. "It was hard but good," she confirmed while nodding.
Lucas went back to his video games and Brooke turned to face her again.
"He's not pressuring you to make a decision, is he?" Brooke wondered.
Haley shook her head. "No. Never. He was sweet and kind and," she stopped. "Nathan. He was Nathan."
"That's good though, I mean, after everything," Brooke commented.
She smiled. "I feel like no matter how upset I am with him or how hard the conversation we're having we always end up... close, you know?" she began. "One minute I'm crying about how hurt I am, the next he's holding me and I'm crying because it feels so good and I miss it so much." She bit her lip. "It's all just so hard, but when he touches me," she stopped. "It's like I don't care, but then I remember."
"It's gotta be hard, I can't resist that idiot and look at him," Brooke agreed, nodding towards Lucas. He was slurping noodles and furiously hitting buttons on his controller.
Haley chuckled. "Yeah. Love kinda sucks," she stated sadly.
"You can do this, girl," Brooke assured her. "You're strong and determined and got a good head on your shoulders. You'll sort through all the shit and be happy with whatever you choose," she added on confidently.
"Thanks," Haley said with a smile. "In a twisted way I can kind of understand why he left, what is really killing me is that he took that money from my dad," she mentioned a moment later. "That wasn't for my well-being that was just him being bought off."
"Yeah, that sucks," her brunette friend agreed. "It's hard to believe that Nathan of all people would just take money like that. He liked living the simple life, you know," she commented.
"I guess Jimmy James just knows everyone's price," Haley sighed.
Lucas snorted as he walked by with his empty dish.
"What does that mean?" she demanded, turning on her friend. "That noise you just made, that wasn't coincidental, that was accidental."
Lucas turned around, surprised. "Huh?"
"We were talking about Nathan taking money from my dad and you definitely made a noise that insisted I didn't know the whole story. What does that mean?" she questioned authoritatively.
"Watch out, babe, her lawyer is showing," Brooke commented from behind her.
He looked like a deer caught in headlights. "I didn't do anything, I was thinking about my game," he insisted.
She narrowed her eyes. "No, you weren't. You know something about Nathan and the money he took from my dad, so tell me," she ordered.
He brushed past her on his way back to the couch. "Sorry, but it's not my business to tell."
"Well it's my business to know!" she exclaimed and went to stand in front of him.
Lucas sighed at her blocking of the TV. "Hale-"
"It was my dad's money, my ex-fiancée's choice, I deserve to know what happened when my future is hanging in the balance because of it all," she stated, her eyes honing in on his. "I need the facts, Lucas."
He let out a long breath. "He obviously doesn't want you to know if you don't already."
"This is Nathan we're talking about," Haley replied. "He could have a serious wound and not tell you if he thought it would freak you out, and then apologize for getting blood on your shirt," she insisted.
"Didn't that actually happen?" Brooke asked from the table.
They both ignored her.
"Look, Haley, Nathan did take the money from your dad," Lucas started. She nodded, urging him along. "He did use it to pay for school, but that's it. When his grandfather he died he got everything the old man had, which was a pretty nice number and the house, which he sold and got profit from," he went on.
"What are you saying, Luke?" she questioned.
Lucas looked up at her. "When he came back he gave the money back to your dad, all of it, the whole hundred grand."
Her eyes widened. "What? When?"
"That first day you walked in on him in here. He had just left your dad's office and came here to talk to Brooke. Not about that, of course, but," he stopped there.
She ran a hand through her hair. "So you're saying he took the money, went to school with it, and then gave it all back?"
Lucas nodded. "Yeah. He said it wasn't right keeping it, that he didn't even know why he really took it in the first place. And it's not like he is hurting right now, he's got a nice job, money from his grandpa, from the house selling," he listed off. "He didn't want anything from your parents; he didn't want anything hanging over his head or whatever."
"So my dad knew he was back in town before I did? He knew he gave the money back and- fuck," Haley couldn't help but laugh. Just another thing to kick her father out of her life for. "I have to go," she said a moment later, going to the door and grabbed her purse. "Do you know where Nathan is?" she asked before she walked out of the door.
Lucas looked at the clock. "Uh, the gym I think? they will know an exact address," he answered.
Haley nodded and walked out the door. She had to find Nathan. How could he not tell her he gave the money back?
It didn't change everything, but it changed a lot of things.
Let me know what you thought of this chapter! The Jeyton wedding will be the next chapter! I'm sorry for the delay in getting that chapter up. It's been finished for a while however, I fell into a deep depression and this whole coronavirus has altered my mood significantly. But I am working on being the best version of myself, and getting motivated to write again. I'm sorry for keeping you guys waiting for a while, it's just been a tough few months hopefully you guys can understand!
With that being said, I don't know when I'll update next, hopefully soon though!
Thanks for reading! Until next time! ~Sidney